Should I or should I not

[zll]

I don't know why you'd want to leave your support networks after you've just started getting back on your feet. Rather stabilise your life first.

I only say this because I have dealt with someone who also had a very rocky life (she's had a lot of bad luck, has physical/mental health issues that flare up from time to time, and made some not great decisions) and the one thing that kept her from going completely off the rails is a stable job which I helped get her. You don't go into much detail but I'd be surprised if there aren't a few similarities between you and her.

 

[UIT]

Here is my thought...

Will the "fresh" start in Cape Town be all that amazing? I don't think so. You will still be the exact person you are in CPT as you are here in JHB. Once in CPT you may feel that you miss your now ex girlfriend and your family. You may start to wonder what if the ex was THE girl and you cocked it up as she is now with someone else.

Look to the future. Where would you like to be in 5 years time? Where does your heart truly lie? Do you love your current gf, do you see yourself getting married to her? Do you want to live in JHB or CPT... or anywhere else for that matter.

Make sure you fix yourself first before making big decisions otherwise 5 years will surely come and go and you will still be unhappy

Part of me feels like in order to fix myself I need to distance myself from everyone. I am a very introverted person, yes I may seem the opposite in crowds I get on with, but for the better part prefer my own space. And this is the other thing as well, I have always been independent and the last 2 years has seen that independence totally disappear...this may sound extreme but to get my point across, I cannot do anything that I personally want to do...be it as simple as take a walk or go to the mall. It all has to go through the gf or folks. Like i said, it sounds extreme, but it is borderline as I have just explained. I cannot even watch a TV channel of my liking if it is not something the gf wants to watch...

 

[UIT]

I don't know why you'd want to leave your support networks after you've just started getting back on your feet. Rather stabilise your life first.

I only say this because I have dealt with someone who also had a very rocky life (she's had a lot of bad luck, has physical/mental health issues that flare up from time to time, and made some not great decisions) and the one thing that kept her from going completely off the rails is a stable job which I helped get her. You don't go into much detail but I'd be surprised if there aren't a few similarities between you and her.

Cause my support structure is smothering me and controlling me all the way. I get shouted at, told how I am of no use if I do something wrong or not to the standards that folks or gf require/deem fit. And yes anyone in this position would move in a heart beat, but I just feel so guilty as if I am running away after all these people helped me out.

I dont know if I am just naive or down right stupid, but when things were good for me, and believe me, they were very good! I helped people out all the time, either financially or assisting out with transport or whatever the case may be, sometimes even inconveniencing myself, but I never had any expectation from those I helped. They were never obligated to me or had to pay me back. Yet I am constantly told when things are not so good that I must not forget what everyone has done, and be grateful. Is going to work at 6 in the morning, coming back at 5 and then making tea for everyone, making supper, bringing them water/snacks/etc, massaging their feet/head/shoulders(or whatever is sore), more tea after meals and finally getting to put my feet up around 9pm and doing this 5 days a week and lets not even get into what I need to do every weekend....is all this not being grateful or showing gratitude? If I am wrong and this does not show my gratitude, can someone please tell me....

 

[The_Ogre]

Stockholm - Syndrome, GTFO... NOW!

 

[bokdrol]

Based on the above, I think you need a fresh start. You don't seem to be particularly happy within the "support structure" and the relationship with GF, which seems to be a major part of your hesitance to move, is smothering you. You will also have more space for yourself if you leave, something essential to introverts.
It seems you are being guilted into a life of servitude and groveling.
I can relate, I am a very independent person myself.

 

[saor]

I cannot do anything that I personally want to do...be it as simple as take a walk or go to the mall. It all has to go through the gf or folks.

It's quite clear you know what you need to do .

 

[UIT]

Based on the above, I think you need a fresh start. You don't seem to be particularly happy within the "support structure" and the relationship with GF, which seems to be a major part of your hesitance to move, is smothering you. You will also have more space for yourself if you leave, something essential to introverts.
It seems you are being guilted into a life of servitude and groveling.
I can relate, I am a very independent person myself.

Its exactly this and I dont have the b@lls to tell everyone thank you, but F@%* off and I am not your little b!tch and I will pay you back and I am not running away...just need to be alone....

 

[pinball wizard]

Don't know if it was covered, but how old are you?

I cannot do anything that I personally want to do...be it as simple as take a walk or go to the mall. It all has to go through the gf or folks. .

Based on the above (and a lot of your other posts) I would be wondering what else psychologically is going on? As in what exactly led to your meltdown that has made your family so protective?

 

[saor]

Its exactly this and I dont have the b@lls to tell everyone thank you, but F@%* off and I am not your little b!tch and I will pay you back and I am not running away...just need to be alone....

It's either the next ten years being uncomfortable,
or a moments discomfort (telling them you're leaving) and ten years of (hopefully) happiness and personal growth.

Your parents should be the easiest to talk to.
Not sure why your girlfriend has so much rule over your life.

 

[UIT]

Don't know if it was covered, but how old are you?



Based on the above (and a lot of your other posts) I would be wondering what else psychologically is going on? As in what exactly led to your meltdown that has made your family so protective?

Im 35, and thats the thing, there is no reason for them to behave this way, their reasoning is that I am very quiet and let people take advantage of me...which is true to an extent, but after having lost it all, I trust no one and no more Mr Nice guy(not to sound cliche).

They are just being over protective and I do not know why...

 

[cupcake]

What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness | Robert Waldinger | TED Talks
[video=youtube;8KkKuTCFvzI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI[/video]

 

[UIT]

It's either the next ten years being uncomfortable,
or a moments discomfort (telling them you're leaving) and ten years of (hopefully) happiness and personal growth.

Your parents should be the easiest to talk to.
Not sure why your girlfriend has so much rule over your life.

I think it is because she helped out when I needed the help(financially) and she has the support of my folks(in their eyes she is a saint sent from heaven itself).

 

[bokdrol]

I think it is because she helped out when I needed the help(financially) and she has the support of my folks(in their eyes she is a saint sent from heaven itself).

But the point of helping support someone in hard times to help them back on their feet, not to bind them.

 

[saor]

But the point of helping support someone in hard times to help them back on their feet, not to bind them.

Probably an inadvertent side-effect of helping someone financially: The person you help might feel the only way to show gratitude is to maintain the most meaningful thing between them: the relationship. He likely feels that by stepping away from the relationship he's doing something wrong.

Not sure what the stronger force is: His sense of obligation to the relationship or her wanting him to stay.

 

[cupcake]

But the point of helping support someone in hard times to help them back on their feet, not to bind them.

If she helped him because she loves him it is understandable that she won't want him to leave that doesn't mean she is trying to bind or trap him. He seems to have someone here who cares enough to see him through a hard time in his life, that is valuable and I wouldn't advise throwing that away on a whime unless he genuinely doesn't feel the same.

 

[notice.me.senpai]

So so I have read thru the entire thread & here are my thoughts.

Get all your ducks in a row first.

Is it even financially possible to relocate to Cape Town? , I dont know how much debt you are in. Rent in Cape Town is a biatch but it is doable. I suggest seeking advice from somebody with a financial background and trying to live off as little as possible.

Are you in a situation whereby you will be forever renting or can you eventually pay off your debt and buy property?

Ok, these things need to happen regardless of where you live.

Break up with your girlfriend : I know it seems harsh but this relationship isnt healthy for either party. Your entire relationship seems to be based on codependency. She seems to enjoy treating you like her child and you seem to depend on her as an emotional crutch. It isnt healthy. She might not be as understanding 5 years down the line, hold some kind of resentment and possibly use your current situation in future arguments.

Talk to your family : Open up to them about your plans, make a plan on paying them back gradually and show them you are responsible. I dont know how close you are to your folks but my mom will forgive almost anything I do Most parents genuinely love their kids unconditionally. Show them you are dedicated to getting your stuff together and move on in life. They will understand on condition that you show growth, maturity and are willing to take responsibility of your life.

Seek counselling : Make an appointment with a psychologist, counsellor etc. Part of your journey will be about figuring out who you are, getting your life back on track and figuring out what you really want out of life. Financial counselling will also be of benefit to you. You need focus on paying off your debts, spending as little money as possible but also having a manageable life. Set a budget and stick to it.

Take the job in Cape Town, only if it is possible financially. Are keen on sharing a flat or will you live alone? Any decent area in Cape Town will cost you an arm and a leg.

Crunch the numbers and if it is possible then start packing your bags. It sounds like you need to get away and figure out who you are.

 

[notice.me.senpai]

I have lost loved ones to illness and due to crime in SA.

Right now there are terminally ill kids and adults in hospital.

There will be a day when you are place in a coffin, buried underground or from coffin to oven. People mourn, gradually deal with their loss and the cycle of life continues.

Be grateful you are alive and healthy. Get you life back on track, commit to a plan and dont remain stagnant. Each and every one of us has an expiry date, so you need to figure out what you want from life before your time is up.


Own your stuff and move forward.

 

[CamiKaze]

I have lost loved ones to illness and due to crime in SA.

Right now there are terminally ill kids and adults in hospital.

There will be a day when you are place in a coffin, buried underground or from coffin to oven. People mourn, gradually deal with their loss and the cycle of life continues.

Be grateful you are alive and healthy. Get you life back on track, commit to a plan and dont remain stagnant. Each and every one of us has an expiry date, so you need to figure out what you want from life before your time is up.


Own your stuff and move forward.

Strong and true words.

 

[The_Mowgs]

Nike

 

[UIT]

So so I have read thru the entire thread & here are my thoughts.

Get all your ducks in a row first.

Is it even financially possible to relocate to Cape Town? , I dont know how much debt you are in. Rent in Cape Town is a biatch but it is doable. I suggest seeking advice from somebody with a financial background and trying to live off as little as possible.

Are you in a situation whereby you will be forever renting or can you eventually pay off your debt and buy property?

Ok, these things need to happen regardless of where you live.

Break up with your girlfriend : I know it seems harsh but this relationship isnt healthy for either party. Your entire relationship seems to be based on codependency. She seems to enjoy treating you like her child and you seem to depend on her as an emotional crutch. It isnt healthy. She might not be as understanding 5 years down the line, hold some kind of resentment and possibly use your current situation in future arguments.

Talk to your family : Open up to them about your plans, make a plan on paying them back gradually and show them you are responsible. I dont know how close you are to your folks but my mom will forgive almost anything I do Most parents genuinely love their kids unconditionally. Show them you are dedicated to getting your stuff together and move on in life. They will understand on condition that you show growth, maturity and are willing to take responsibility of your life.

Seek counselling : Make an appointment with a psychologist, counsellor etc. Part of your journey will be about figuring out who you are, getting your life back on track and figuring out what you really want out of life. Financial counselling will also be of benefit to you. You need focus on paying off your debts, spending as little money as possible but also having a manageable life. Set a budget and stick to it.

Take the job in Cape Town, only if it is possible financially. Are keen on sharing a flat or will you live alone? Any decent area in Cape Town will cost you an arm and a leg.

Crunch the numbers and if it is possible then start packing your bags. It sounds like you need to get away and figure out who you are.

Thanks for the advise, a lot of sense there. It will be tough financially from the number crunching I have done, but it is possible, will take some dedication from my side and I am capable of that.

I get on well with 99% of people so sharing or living on my own does not really phase me...I saw flat/house shares are quite decently priced and surprisingly affordable.

Just to fill everyone in on how my afternoon is going/gone so far...and tell me if I am being dramatic or this is the norm...take into account the fact that gf did not work today and was at home....

got home at 4:30ish...put bag down, had a wash and had to go take out clothes from the line and sort out and fold everything(no biggie). Once done, she was looking for something and found carriers for shoes...so she empties a cupboard and tells me to fill those carriers with all her shoes that she does not use, while she does....nothing
Once done, I had to find a place to store all of that. Then I had to go all close everything that was for no specific reason and bring in clothes that were not dry as yet. I found a pair of sneakers that I had forgot to lace up and thought it would be a good idea to do so, so I can use them tomorrow and once I started, I got asked why am I fooling around and not helping?
So I stopped, and helped get ready for dinner, and we ate(oh got scolded at because while I was getting the plates out I was also suppose to have cleared the table at the same time cause I can split in 2). Once done, guess who had to wash up? once done washing, I was on tea duty and asked if there is movies to watch, thus me being able to write this now and during this time of posting, I had to stop twice to go find her cellphone cause she took shoes off and its cold and go switch the TV on cause the remote was too far away and would mean getting up. And I have been asked about 5 times already what is taking so long to find a movie a watch.

So am I being dramatic and looking for excuses to leave to help with the guilt of leaving I guess or is this not normal?