Should I or should I not

notice.me.senpai said:
I have lost loved ones to illness and due to crime in SA.

Right now there are terminally ill kids and adults in hospital.

There will be a day when you are place in a coffin, buried underground or from coffin to oven. People mourn, gradually deal with their loss and the cycle of life continues.

Be grateful you are alive and healthy. Get you life back on track, commit to a plan and dont remain stagnant. Each and every one of us has an expiry date, so you need to figure out what you want from life before your time is up.


Own your stuff and move forward.
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Im trying to do just this...Im ambitious and built a pretty decent life from nothing once...so Im sure I can do it again.
 
I'd say go for it. It will be a good experience in your life and save your sanity.

Good luck.
 
purpleheart said:
If she helped him because she loves him it is understandable that she won't want him to leave that doesn't mean she is trying to bind or trap him. He seems to have someone here who cares enough to see him through a hard time in his life, that is valuable and I wouldn't advise throwing that away on a whime unless he genuinely doesn't feel the same.
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Wow, more sensible advice from purpleheart! Seriously dude, make up your mind about your so-called 'girlfriend'. If she's just somebody to keep you warm at night, then do the honourable thing and break up with her whatever your ultimate decision is. If she's somebody you love, then stop being an idiot and stay with her! A loving, supportive partner is more valuable than anything.

Also, for the record, Cape Town is NOT all that. I moved down from JHB to CPT chasing that dream, and after two years I'm now moving back to JHB ... CPT people are generally rude and self-entitled, customer service is worse than in JHB, the traffic is horrific, rental costs are through the roof (two months deposit - yeah right), there are fewer 'decent' jobs and the salaries are less. Oh yes, and there's a nice mountain to look at in the distance, if your cubicle office has a window to let you view it lol (probably why all the Cape Town people are so grumpy). *shrugs* Your mileage may vary if you're really into cycling or hiking, but if you're not a nature buff then a mall in Cape Town is much like a mall in Johannesburg, and you'll be giving up valuable career growth opportunities you'll just never experience here.

So you're broke already, why the hell would you want to be incurring more expenses relocating and leaving the only support networks you have? I think you need to get over the whole "Yeah, just go do your own lone cowboy routine" described on this thread by some, and realise that you just need to find a job that offers a fair salary for your skill level (and fair isn't necessary as much as you'd always like) and then stick with it and be frugal until you pay off your debt.

The LAST thing you need is to go deeper into debt to isolate yourself in Cape Town away from somebody who cares for you (and maybe you care for her?), in another dead-end job in a culture that is very different to Johannesburg (and not necessarily in a good way). Your life here is not going to be all wine farms and expensive hobbies, which is only going to make it even more frustrating for you.

Hope that helps :)
 
y2468 said:
Thanks for the advise, a lot of sense there. It will be tough financially from the number crunching I have done, but it is possible, will take some dedication from my side and I am capable of that.

I get on well with 99% of people so sharing or living on my own does not really phase me...I saw flat/house shares are quite decently priced and surprisingly affordable.

Just to fill everyone in on how my afternoon is going/gone so far...and tell me if I am being dramatic or this is the norm...take into account the fact that gf did not work today and was at home....

got home at 4:30ish...put bag down, had a wash and had to go take out clothes from the line and sort out and fold everything(no biggie). Once done, she was looking for something and found carriers for shoes...so she empties a cupboard and tells me to fill those carriers with all her shoes that she does not use, while she does....nothing
Once done, I had to find a place to store all of that. Then I had to go all close everything that was for no specific reason and bring in clothes that were not dry as yet. I found a pair of sneakers that I had forgot to lace up and thought it would be a good idea to do so, so I can use them tomorrow and once I started, I got asked why am I fooling around and not helping?
So I stopped, and helped get ready for dinner, and we ate(oh got scolded at because while I was getting the plates out I was also suppose to have cleared the table at the same time cause I can split in 2). Once done, guess who had to wash up? once done washing, I was on tea duty and asked if there is movies to watch, thus me being able to write this now and during this time of posting, I had to stop twice to go find her cellphone cause she took shoes off and its cold and go switch the TV on cause the remote was too far away and would mean getting up. And I have been asked about 5 times already what is taking so long to find a movie a watch.

So am I being dramatic and looking for excuses to leave to help with the guilt of leaving I guess or is this not normal?
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No man seriously. If you read what you jusy wrote, read it 2 or 3 times your answer will be as clear as day as to what you should do.
 
YingYang said:
After reading your last couple of posts I think you should stay with her, being psychologically abused seems to be your thing.
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Ja I also don't get the point of this thread anymore. The real issue isn't the move. The real issue is the g/friend.
 
Oh, on the whole 'my girlfriend makes me do x', if you've been any any sort of long-term relationship you'll know that no matter how many weird stories there are about what your partner does or doesn't do, there is always a single truth that you know in your heart about your partner: do they really love you, and do you really love them? I've been married for six years, which is nothing compared to some marriages, but I think it's enough to qualify me to talk about long-term commitment. I can quote you reams of examples of crazy things my wife does or has asked me to do, or weird arguments we've had about really insignificant stuff. Conversely, I can quote you reams of the most heart-rending emotional and cutesy things that happen in our relationship, so you'd believe that everything is sunshine and roses. Newsflash: real life IS NOT sunshine and roses, it's just authentic and real. When you try to understand why your partner is acting in a certain way, you can usually figure out whether you've done something to deserve it, or whether you're deliberately ignoring something you know upsets your partner (for example). The real secret to a long-term relationship is communication: have arguments when you need to, defend your territories, kiss and make up. Don't be so introverted that you let your girlfriend walk all over you while you just rack up crazy examples to share online ... presumably there must be some positive things she does too, or are you only with her for her financial support (and what does that say about you)? You need an honest look at yourself, and so far I haven't seen anything like that in this thread ... only a failure to engage, and a desire to change scenery rather than actually solve your real problems (financial and emotional). Whatever is wrong with you and the people around you, take ownership of it. You're not going to find those answers in Cape Town - you'll find them in a mirror.
 
y2468 said:
Cause my support structure is smothering me and controlling me all the way. I get shouted at, told how I am of no use if I do something wrong or not to the standards that folks or gf require/deem fit. And yes anyone in this position would move in a heart beat, but I just feel so guilty as if I am running away after all these people helped me out.

I dont know if I am just naive or down right stupid, but when things were good for me, and believe me, they were very good! I helped people out all the time, either financially or assisting out with transport or whatever the case may be, sometimes even inconveniencing myself, but I never had any expectation from those I helped. They were never obligated to me or had to pay me back. Yet I am constantly told when things are not so good that I must not forget what everyone has done, and be grateful. Is going to work at 6 in the morning, coming back at 5 and then making tea for everyone, making supper, bringing them water/snacks/etc, massaging their feet/head/shoulders(or whatever is sore), more tea after meals and finally getting to put my feet up around 9pm and doing this 5 days a week and lets not even get into what I need to do every weekend....is all this not being grateful or showing gratitude? If I am wrong and this does not show my gratitude, can someone please tell me....
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From what you've written so far it sounds like your family don't respect your boundaries (unless they have reason not to because of whatever you did that ****ed up your life), and you are in a relationship that you don't really want to be in.

When it comes to these issues... I don't know. We don't know your whole story and there might be a reason why people are on your case. If you tell everyone here why your entire life fell apart maybe people can advise you on whether to cut ties or stay, but as it stands for all we know you could have cheated on your ex-wife while doing cocaine and doritos off a hookers butt and that's why your life fell apart.

Assuming your past mistake was one you are not going to repeat again, I would:

1) Thank your gf for all she's done for you and then break up with her.
2) Live/deal with your family until you have eliminated all of your debt.
3) Move out and put some distance between them if you need it.
 
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Foxhound5366 said:
Also, for the record, Cape Town is NOT all that /snip.
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Cape Town is far from the hell hole you make it sound like. Sure, some of the things you mention are true (traffic, living expenses being more as two examples), but even I've made friends down here and I'm no social butterfly. Not sure what part of Cape Town you lived in but I don't find people here that rude or entitled. But then again I move around in creative circles where most people do not earn that well compared to most of the people here on MyBB.
 
zolly said:
Cape Town is far from the hell hole you make it sound like. Sure, some of the things you mention are true (traffic, living expenses being more as two examples), but even I've made friends down here and I'm no social butterfly. Not sure what part of Cape Town you lived in but I don't find people here that rude or entitled. But then again I move around in creative circles where most people do not earn that well compared to most of the people here on MyBB.
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Zolly, I never claimed Cape Town is a hell hole. I said that it's not all that it's painted to be. NO place is amazing, just like no person is unique and no job is fantastic all the time. The problem that our friend here has is that he's placed Cape Town on a magical pedestal to help distract him from what he feels is his mundane life, but it is NOT where you live that improves your quality of life but the choices you make wherever you are. Which I think I've already explained in my previous posts.
 
Foxhound5366 said:
Zolly, I never claimed Cape Town is a hell hole. I said that it's not all that it's painted to be. NO place is amazing, just like no person is unique and no job is fantastic all the time. The problem that our friend here has is that he's placed Cape Town on a magical pedestal to help distract him from what he feels is his mundane life, but it is NOT where you live that improves your quality of life but the choices you make wherever you are. Which I think I've already explained in my previous posts.
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Ah ok. It sounded like you were very unhappy here yourself :/

But yeah, it's not a perfect place. Moving here is not going to make his issues disappear.
 
Morning all,

Thanks for all the feedback and comments...I think its clear now, the issue is me and my failure to confront my issues and the people in my life and tell them what I am thinking and feeling...Im just letting everyone do that for me...

I wish I could share what led to my downfall, but its in the past and I dont want to re-visit it again. What I can say, is that it had nothing to do with drugs, cheating, gambling or any other nefarious activities. It was just me trusting people I should not have and my lack of b@lls to confront people and tell them what I thought at the time. Good news is though I will never do that again. :)

Now I guess I have to just apply that same principal to my personal life and not second guess myself. Once again, thanks for all the replies and advise. I really do appreciate it. I needed perspective and finally got it...Thanks again...
 
Ok cool y2468, good luck mate. To quote John Lennon: "“Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." There are plenty of inspirational quotes like that ... how about "It's always darkest before the dawn." The bottom line is you musn't let a sense of drama get in the way of just taking the common sense actions you need, which you've clearly identified.

Here's a plan of action:
1: Speak to your girlfriend honestly about what she does that hurts or annoys you, but do this sensitively. Tell her how you feel about her (figure it out first yourself!), and through that discussion reach whatever conclusions result. Don't take decisions for her: any relationship affects two people, so man up and talk it out.
2: Speak to your family about what's going on in your life. If you feel you can't trust or don't need them, then just ask them respectfully to give you space and then distance yourself from them.
3: Get a budget together to pay off your debt. The sooner the better. Don't make excuses for your financial situation, the banks and your credit record don't care. Just get on with it. If you need a new higher-paying job as part of that, go for it ... that's more likely going to be in Johannesburg than in Cape Town.

Only after the above three steps, figure out whether a move to Cape Town will be good for you. Don't put the cart before the horse, to quote another proverb. Fix that main stuff up, and the path forward will be clear(er) to you.
 
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20k net salary is not enough if you are moving from jhb. A flat in surrounding areas will set you back around 6k atleast and public transport currently is a mess as a result of the ct station fire.

This excludes living expenses and so on.
 
Foxhound5366 said:
Oh, on the whole 'my girlfriend makes me do x', if you've been any any sort of long-term relationship you'll know that no matter how many weird stories there are about what your partner does or doesn't do, there is always a single truth that you know in your heart about your partner: do they really love you, and do you really love them? I've been married for six years, which is nothing compared to some marriages, but I think it's enough to qualify me to talk about long-term commitment. I can quote you reams of examples of crazy things my wife does or has asked me to do, or weird arguments we've had about really insignificant stuff. Conversely, I can quote you reams of the most heart-rending emotional and cutesy things that happen in our relationship, so you'd believe that everything is sunshine and roses. Newsflash: real life IS NOT sunshine and roses, it's just authentic and real. When you try to understand why your partner is acting in a certain way, you can usually figure out whether you've done something to deserve it, or whether you're deliberately ignoring something you know upsets your partner (for example). The real secret to a long-term relationship is communication: have arguments when you need to, defend your territories, kiss and make up. Don't be so introverted that you let your girlfriend walk all over you while you just rack up crazy examples to share online ... presumably there must be some positive things she does too, or are you only with her for her financial support (and what does that say about you)? You need an honest look at yourself, and so far I haven't seen anything like that in this thread ... only a failure to engage, and a desire to change scenery rather than actually solve your real problems (financial and emotional). Whatever is wrong with you and the people around you, take ownership of it. You're not going to find those answers in Cape Town - you'll find them in a mirror.
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You were nice about this I was just going to tell him: SUCK IT UP PRINCESS you sound like a 12 year old who doesnt want to clean his room! He should definitely leave her even if he stays in JHB. Stop waisting her time for his own selfish gain and make way for some one who actually wants to be there.
 
purpleheart said:
You were nice about this I was just going to tell him: SUCK IT UP PRINCESS you sound like a 12 year old who doesnt want to clean his room! He should definitely leave her even if he stays in JHB. Stop waisting her time for his own selfish gain and make way for some one who actually wants to be there.
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Is she big ?
 
purpleheart said:
You were nice about this I was just going to tell him: SUCK IT UP PRINCESS you sound like a 12 year old who doesnt want to clean his room! He should definitely leave her even if he stays in JHB. Stop waisting her time for his own selfish gain and make way for some one who actually wants to be there.
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Oh snap, kick a man while he's down, lol. It's the truth though, but then again I think he always knew this anyway. The easiest truths to ignore are the ones we wish didn't apply to us.
 
Foxhound5366 said:
Oh snap, kick a man while he's down, lol. It's the truth though, but then again I think he always knew this anyway. The easiest truths to ignore are the ones we wish didn't apply to us.
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Its called TUFF LOVE! Most people wont change unless they have something to think about and pshycothearaphy is expensive so i just cut to the chase. They can imagine me flying off on my broom I don't care but IMO it's the people that enable their BS that do the most damage.
 
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