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What have I done?? :(
- Thread starter thesadguy
- Start date
Ha ha ha so much for the advice we gave him on this forum!!
By my count there was only one vote for tell her.... glad to see thesadguy values our advice!!
I'll sit back and wait to say "i told you so".... unfortunately it may be weeks, months or years until she gets a chance to use this in her favour. Perhaps she snogs a guy and then says, "oh but you did". Or you argue and she says "well at least I did not kiss someone".....
Your count was wrong:
You have to tell her I am afraid.. And face the consequences.. It is going to take months for her to trust you again.. my now husband cheated on me, and told me 4 months later.. I was mad for almost a year.. But now that we are married, and he has proved he was really sorry and understood every time I questioned him, gave me his passwords for his emails even to prove how sorry he was.. But now that we are married everything is out there, open and honest..
If you don't come clean it will be an injustice to your relationship..
It is your choice though if you can handle the consequences
I'm also sorry to hear that you have such a pessimistic view on life, and a poor opinion of women.
In the end, I just felt that she deserved to know.
I realised that my thinking on the role reversal was warped. If the roles were reversed, I would want to know about it. Yes I'd be upset (and would have every right to be), but if I thought the relationship was worth fighting for, then I'd stay with her.
I also feel that it was "only" a kiss. Gazer said it was only a "small transgression", which was in line with how I already felt. As such, I thought I could be forgiven. It'll be a long time before that happens.
A short while ago, she txt'd me. I'm feeling much better. Bit more at ease than before, when I was in COMPLETE limbo.
At least I've learnt a lesson.
This was something I was extremely worried about. If she found out through other means before I told her (even if I had every intention of telling her), it would be interpreted as my trying to hide it.
And especially since the friends I asked advice from on the situation were her friends too (wtf was I thinking??
)
daveza
Honorary Master
You had already learnt the lesson before you told her.
We were trying to prevent the second lesson.
LancelotSA
Banned
Who says I have a poor opinion of women? I love women! My understanding of how their mind's work probably comes with age.....
Ha ha ha and you are new to this forum so I will forgive your comment about me having a pessimistic view on life. Become more acquainted with this forum and myself in particular and then take another swing!
LancelotSA
Banned
Yip, that is the lesson that the OPs girlfriend needs to learn....
Who says I have a poor opinion of women? I love women! My understanding of how their mind's work probably comes with age.....
Ha ha ha and you are new to this forum so I will forgive your comment about me having a pessimistic view on life. Become more acquainted with this forum and myself in particular and then take another swing!
Actually, I'm a long-time reader, and I know that you're very pro-SA and all. But in my experience, you preach that everyone else is pessimistic from atop your soap box, but then you go on to make comments like
Lance is right though.. Women do conjure up all sorts of things, that men probably wouldn't and see it completely differently to how you would.. And I think he was also right in saying that the guilt you were feeling might destroy your relationship..
I am glad you told her though.. I think you had made up your mind before you posted here though You seem truly remorseful and I hope she does *see* that!
Good luck..
I am glad you told her though.. I think you had made up your mind before you posted here though
You seem truly remorseful and I hope she does *see* that! Good luck..
Lance is right though.. Women do conjure up all sorts of things, that men probably wouldn't and see it completely differently to how you would.. And I think he was also right in saying that the guilt you were feeling might destroy your relationship..
I am glad you told her though.. I think you had made up your mind before you posted here though
Good luck..
Hmmmm... You're probably right on all counts.
I just had to see what others thought about the situation.
I'm really glad that I told her. Not only was it a weight off my shoulders (ok, that was a bit selfish, then), but I think she appreciates my honesty. She's asked me over to her place later to discuss further. She was a little worked up when I initially told her, and asked me to leave
But hopefully this is a good sign?
LancelotSA
Banned
Um, I fail to see where those bold comments are pessimistic?
Let's tackle the first one... telling someone something like this WILL change the relationship. It has to. Everything that happens in a relationship molds it. This is one of those things.
Second one, I do not care who you are, male or female, you are going to want to know exactly what happened. You may not ask it but you will wonder... was it just a little peck, was it a full on lustful snog, was there any other actions involved, did you encourage it, were you reluctant.... it is human nature to wonder. So although in this case I said "in that female mind of hers", as it was your situation we were discussing, the same applies to both sexes. I do not see how saying that is pessimistic?
Finally, this again is not pessimistic! I questioned whether this would end up being a bigger problem for you. Guilt is one of the biggest killers in a relationship. You may not tell her but over time you will feel so guilty about what you did that it will eat away at you. This happens... believe me! I know many people who have happily done something but afterwards the guilt of what they did eats away at them! YOU are a prime example! You felt the need to come on here and share what you did as you obviously felt extremely guilty about it!
Now show me again where I was pessimistic?
EDIT : Well this was partly discussed by Natasha already while I was typing this.... but I'll still let my comments stand for the record.
Let's tackle the first one... telling someone something like this WILL change the relationship. It has to. Everything that happens in a relationship molds it. This is one of those things.
Second one, I do not care who you are, male or female, you are going to want to know exactly what happened. You may not ask it but you will wonder... was it just a little peck, was it a full on lustful snog, was there any other actions involved, did you encourage it, were you reluctant.... it is human nature to wonder. So although in this case I said "in that female mind of hers", as it was your situation we were discussing, the same applies to both sexes. I do not see how saying that is pessimistic?
Finally, this again is not pessimistic! I questioned whether this would end up being a bigger problem for you. Guilt is one of the biggest killers in a relationship. You may not tell her but over time you will feel so guilty about what you did that it will eat away at you. This happens... believe me! I know many people who have happily done something but afterwards the guilt of what they did eats away at them! YOU are a prime example! You felt the need to come on here and share what you did as you obviously felt extremely guilty about it!
Now show me again where I was pessimistic?
EDIT : Well this was partly discussed by Natasha already while I was typing this.... but I'll still let my comments stand for the record.
It is not so much WHAT you said, but HOW you said it. "it is all lies" vs "which may not be true". "eats away" and "destroys" vs "damages". These are all phrases that make your comments "feel" pessimistic. Although one could now argue that my "pessimistic" view of your comments means that I'm the pessimistic one, while your comments were perfectly fine
One thing I will say, though, is that your comments are true (pessimistic or not)
blunomore
Honorary Master
That was a really stupid thing you did. Please do not blame alcohol. Take reponsibility for your actions.
brixton tower
Expert Member
I have a gf that I love very much. I went out last night with a friend, had a few too many. A girl approached me and we started chatting. One thing led to another, and we kissed. Not made out or anything. Just kissed. Some of my friends that I've described it to said it doesn't even really count, but in my eyes it was a kiss
I really love my girlfriend. This whole thing really snuck up on me. I don't know what to do
I know what I did was wrong, but I honestly had no intention of it happening. I'm broken
Help please?
Don't say *****. Dunno why you even feeling guilty, you're man FFS!
I hope you're joking
Tell her.
but:
1) Blame the other girl. Make it all her fault. All girls know that women are the true enemy.
2) Blame alcohol but don't promise to stop drinking. Rather promise to work on building up a resilience to it's effects by regular practice.
but:
1) Blame the other girl. Make it all her fault. All girls know that women are the true enemy.
2) Blame alcohol but don't promise to stop drinking. Rather promise to work on building up a resilience to it's effects by regular practice.
Dolby
Honorary Master
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Voicysaurous
Expert Member
Dude .. be a man.
If she kissed some guy, would you want her to tell you? It's going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship if you don't. The second you start making excuses and pretending it's ok, you fall into a spiral of cheating "as long as you don't get caught".
the truth AAAAALWAYS comes out. Would you rather have her hear it from someone else?
If you have half the amount of respect for her as you say you do, you'll treat her with the honesty she deserves.
The future of your relationship lies with her ... not you.
If she kissed some guy, would you want her to tell you? It's going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship if you don't. The second you start making excuses and pretending it's ok, you fall into a spiral of cheating "as long as you don't get caught".
the truth AAAAALWAYS comes out. Would you rather have her hear it from someone else?
If you have half the amount of respect for her as you say you do, you'll treat her with the honesty she deserves.
The future of your relationship lies with her ... not you.
Nocturnity
Expert Member
Eish, that was a bad mistake, buddy. You're going to feel this one for the rest of your relationship. Nothing you can ever do will erase the past and now that you've chosen to share, you're the one with a minus to your name. You're going to spend your foreseeable future trying to rectify the situation but no matter what you do and how you see it in your mind, that little fact will linger in her mind. Years from now, if you manage to maintain the relationship, this will be brought up again.
I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do but I feel you need to know what you've let yourself in for.
On the flip-side, the fact that you managed to share a kiss with another woman reflects a missing element in your relationship. People do not cheat "just because". They cheat because they have a void that they need filled and person-X is there to fill that void at that moment. If everything was going well in your relationship at the time, you wouldn't even have noticed the other girl.
This may sound a bit harsh and I may be lambasted for my comments but think about this a little deeper and you'll realize that it's all true. I prefer not to live in a little bubble, cut off from the real world.
I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do but I feel you need to know what you've let yourself in for.
On the flip-side, the fact that you managed to share a kiss with another woman reflects a missing element in your relationship. People do not cheat "just because". They cheat because they have a void that they need filled and person-X is there to fill that void at that moment. If everything was going well in your relationship at the time, you wouldn't even have noticed the other girl.
This may sound a bit harsh and I may be lambasted for my comments but think about this a little deeper and you'll realize that it's all true. I prefer not to live in a little bubble, cut off from the real world.
PsyWulf
Honorary Master
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2006
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I remember a wise man that once said
"if you tell her because you feel guilty you're being selfish,if you tell her because you being open to eachother is more important than your future together then tell her"
I'm not defending what you did but if you told her purely out of guilt you did it for the wrong reasons. Imagine you not having guilt,would you have told her then? If not then there's your answer
"if you tell her because you feel guilty you're being selfish,if you tell her because you being open to eachother is more important than your future together then tell her"
I'm not defending what you did but if you told her purely out of guilt you did it for the wrong reasons. Imagine you not having guilt,would you have told her then? If not then there's your answer