when is too long, waaay too long

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gothcatgirl

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the short of it:
my bloke and i have been dating a year in march.
the 'i love you' bomb has only been dropped by me once, then never again, because he said, and i qoute 'i wont say anything i dont mean'. thus, never heard it from him.
we spend every weekend together. his folks like me, and i think they are awesome.
i doubt he will go out to movies or holiday without taking me along. we sms every night, email every day, and so on and so forth.
we get on like a house on fire, we laugh like kids, do silly stuff. have the same sense of humour, we are each other's best friends. like the same music.
but, he says he cares for me, and only when we argue, or i pressure him.
he first said, that it's too soon.
then, he feels numb.
then, you can't hurry it,and we should just enjoy each other's company.
blah blah blah

so now, i had a wobble, and i realised that i dont feel happy, because i know he doesnt love me. and it's became a huge thing in my mind.

so, we broke up. we both hated it, but he said, that he wasnt happy, there was no passion, and he loves me, but isnt in love with me (cliche of century, i know).
so, i went to go pick up my stuff. we had a discussion like civilized humans. he said really nice stuff, like, he wants us to remain friends, because he likes having me around, but if i left, he would get over me, he wouldnt be heartbroken, he cant see himself falling in love with me, and if after a year, he hasnt fallen in love, he cant see that i would.
well, i collapsed, and cried and cried like a pathetic child. we stood by my car for how long. i knew i had to leave, but i couldnt, and he didnt want me to leave, and he didnt know what that meant.

at the end of the night, i cried, he cried, we cried togehter, and made up.
the next day, i emailed him, asking 'so what now'. he recons he wants to see if we can make it work.
this weekend, things couldnt be more awkward. he feels like he is miles away.
i am not the most coochie-coo lovey dovey person ever, but i tried my damnest. we went out, and i kissed him and cuddled and did the whole number. he seemed about as enthusiastic about it as a dentist visit.

now.
is being 'in love' what's needed for a relationship to last?
every time i have been besotted and in love, the passionate love, turned into passionate hate and fighting.
is there merit is having a love grow quietly and with time, as opposed to this huge big bang of in-loveness.
does there need to be the in-love stage to cement the relationship?
how does one establish what is love, and what is in-love?
how do you decide if what you feel, is really deep friendship, or a fledgeling relationship?
 
Both partners need to show affection for each other.

If only one partner does it, the relationship will die.
 
You both need to love one another for a relationship to work, and it will not work if you love him and he's waiting to see if he loves you. He either loves you or doesn't and I am sure after a year he should know. To me he loves you as a friend but not as a life long partner. I would start scouting the sea for other fish.

P.S is he maybe gay?
 
If that is what you need then YES, it is important.

If all that you wanted was to be his friend (and do whatever you guys do) then it would be ok, you want love and I think that you need to seek it elsewhere.
 
if he is gay, then his web browser is very misleading, coz it's naked ladies all round. and my gay-dar is superb form, i know people are gay before they do.

he is very affectionate. just doesnt seem to translate into the eyes.

his folks arent very coochie-coo either. but mine werent either, they hated each other in fact.

i was thinking dragging us both off to a councellor, because we are both issue-ridden.
 
I think you should very carefully listen to his exact words.

but, he says he cares for me, and only when we argue, or i pressure him.
he first said, that it's too soon.
then, he feels numb.
Click to expand...

To me, that should be enough indication that this is probably at an end.
 
in-love = you think with your genitals. It's usually the "passion" part you women talk about (and are after most of the time). Also known as the honeymoon-period.

once that's over, what you're (hopefully) left with is love. something I'm thinking he is. he loves you, but not in-love with you. As a relationship grows, the whole "I need to boink you 50 times a day OMG OMG OMG" dissipates into something else. And that's what most women can't handle and makes them all psycho or whorish (and why Cosmo sells so many magazines)

My personal experience

He's had this before, the woman most probably tore his heart out, put it in a blender and hit the "saucy" button. Currently, and for the past 4 years, I've felt ****-all for no one. Weird to explain, but it's a numbish feeling, like... if you were there, or not, I'd feel the same.

So give it time. Women love rushing these things, can't understand why (because in the movies everything is so picture perfect right?) and you guys (gals) tend to forget that 20 years ago the "I love you" was kind of a big thing to happen in a relationship, almost as big as getting engaged/married/having kids. And that alone took 1-2 years.
 
gothcatgirl said:
so, we broke up. we both hated it, but he said, that he wasnt happy, there was no passion, and he loves me, but isnt in love with me (cliche of century, i know).
Click to expand...

Ja, sorry babe, but he's not that into you. A years plenty of time to know you love someone but the passions got to be there from the start. Makes me wonder why you were together in the first place. Sounds like he needed a friend or sex or both and basically led you on. Sorry, it's ****ty but you'll get over it and be stronger and wiser for it.
 
To me it sounds like he is unsure of what to expect from a relationship. He doesn't seem to know what he wants from it and how to show affection. It could be that this is a guy who is clueless when it comes to giving out the right signals. Although it is always difficult to give people one doesn't know relationship advice and I would never recommend following someones advice if the person does not have a relationship .with both of you, the following quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin gives an indication of what the difference between in love and love are:

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away..

But it could be that it is just me that thinks this is an excellent description of love! :)
 
kim_bcs said:
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away..
Click to expand...

That's a perfect description. And one that many women don't understand/grasp when a relationship "graduates" to post-earthquake-status. That's usually when they start pushing for "feelings" or think there's something wrong with THEIR feelings towards the other party. Then some **** comes along and makes them feel the earthquake again and they reckon "I should be there, not here!" and cheats on your ass.
 
Do you know what his "Love Language" is. Google that.... eat it life fish and apply it.... it can change your lives.
 
Why do those 3 words even matter so much? At first I said it to get laid (wrong, I know, blah blah :p) but now I genuinely love her.

IMO you only really know if you love someone after the infatuation phase has died down, and you have to go through the ups and downs and get through it together.
 
AcidRaZor said:
So give it time. Women love rushing these things, can't understand why (because in the movies everything is so picture perfect right?) and you guys (gals) tend to forget that 20 years ago the "I love you" was kind of a big thing to happen in a relationship, almost as big as getting engaged/married/having kids. And that alone took 1-2 years.
Click to expand...

Agreed.

these days people throw the words around so much its lost most of its meaning. I wonder if most people that say I love you know the difference between love and infatuation.
 
gothcatgirl said:
i was thinking dragging us both off to a councellor, because we are both issue-ridden.
Click to expand...

If you can't be whole on your own then you cannot be whole with someone else. Do the math...1*1=1 0.5*1=0.5 0.5*0.5=0.25
Stupid example, I know, but one needs to be whole and sorted out before including another in your life. On the other hand, I almost think that is impossible, or idealistic at the very least. Dealing with the issues could be a good start. With a counsellor, a friend, on your own. I just think it's pointless to go into something with issues if you have admitted to those issues and left them undealt with. Kudos to admitting you are issue ridden. First step to recovery is to admit that there is something broken/wrong. I think that would be a good start.

Love. In Love. Lust. In love and lust have a close connection in my mind. Sometimes that is what is needed to get things started. Love in my mind is on a completely other level. That is what happens when you move beyond the In love/lust stage. Just because you love someone does not mean you will be blind to the rest of the population. If a pretty girl walks by a guy will look(or if he googled her, in his case). Love goes beyond all that. It is not always easy, but it's solid and real. It's when you decide to love that person despite all/during all/no matter what. It's a decision.
 
Some ppl are brought up in a very non-affectionate environment which sounds like this maybe the case - I know from experience that you can't judge people from a cold, aloof family background on their outward displays of affection - sometimes they do care very deeply, even "love" but lack the capacity to express it. It would be a tragedy to misunderstand this...
 
garp said:
Some ppl are brought up in a very non-affectionate environment which sounds like this maybe the case - I know from experience that you can't judge people from a cold, aloof family background on their outward displays of affection - sometimes they do care very deeply, even "love" but lack the capacity to express it. It would be a tragedy to misunderstand this...
Click to expand...

+1 Very true!
 
gothcatgirl said:
the short of it:
<snip>
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Sounds terribly emo and, frankly, if you need to seek online advice for your relationship then chances are pretty good that it's already over and you're flogging a dead horse.

Love has to come both sides otherwise it's over before it even started.

Stop wasting your time and move on.
 
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