Wife cheated

pb41 said:
A truly horrible situation and I wish you all the strength to get through it. I can recommend the following very helpful website which includes a section on understanding and dealing with infidelity :

Marriage Builders® - Successful Marriage Advice : Marriage...

Insightful answers to questions about sex, affection, conversation, honesty, anger, disrespect, resentment, conflict resolution, and surviving infidelity in marriage
www.marriagebuilders.com www.marriagebuilders.com
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Thank you very much
 
skimread said:
If she had a lust for someone that grow over time it means at no moment did her commitment to you stop her from that lust growing for someone else. That's not a drunk mistake. You also had to raise it with her. Her conscious didn't make bring it up first and beg for forgiveness. She has a polygamous nature. Some marriages can have those relationships and allow both sides to have an open relationship as they acknowledge each other's nature. But the one thing you can't do is change her nature. That has been conditioned into her from before you met her. That is who she is. What she says she is, is just a mask. Talking is not going to fix it.
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Lust? So many apparent experts here it’s laughable.

Has no one heard of an emotional affair? They are more powerful that any physical act, and they usually fizzle out as soon as it becomes sexual.

The mind is a powerful thing. It’s pretty sad that a random online forum is giving this guy advice on something they know ****all about.

The best thing OP can do is go speak to a therapist, a marriage counsellor, and I’m not saying with the wife, or for the marriage. But for himself. This forum is filled with scorned men it seems.
 
RedViking said:
Clearly you are the expert. Please present to us your qualifications, honorable Expert Member.
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Like I said in the post before that, close Friends have been though it. Both husbands and wives. I think there’s even a Wikipedia page dedicated to emotional affairs. That’s how the majority of affairs take place.

I see it unfold in the workplace too, it is so obvious, and the old saying goes. Where there is smoke there is fire. This is more common than what people think, or maybe it’s because I’m just older now and being married for a long time helps too.
 
roadcat said:
Could be that after 3 years of marriage she was longing for the old days of being free and succumbed to temptation. Then realised it wasn't for her and what she already had what she wants? Feels guilty hence giving you a way out.

Just a possibility..

Been married for 18 years+, and still very happily married, but always wonder what I would have done if I had been subjected to serious temptation in the 1st few years..
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It could be, I’ve had a few temptations in the past. But I cut them of as I have an obligation towards my marriage, and I love my wife ofcourse
 
johnjm said:
Lust? So many apparent experts here it’s laughable.

Has no one heard of an emotional affair? They are more powerful that any physical act, and they usually fizzle out as soon as it becomes sexual.

The mind is a powerful thing. It’s pretty sad that a random online forum is giving this guy advice on something they know ****all about.

The best thing OP can do is go speak to a therapist, a marriage counsellor, and I’m not saying with the wife, or for the marriage. But for himself. This forum is filled with scorned men it seems.
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He said his wife said it was lust and not an emotional affair. Yes, there is chance an emotional affair can be resolved through therapy. A lust affair with no meaning cannot because it is her polygamous nature. He married a slut who is conflicted not knowing what she wants. You can't change her nature if it wasn't emotional.
 
johnjm said:
I have some very personal friends whose wives and husbands did something similar.

At the end of the day you make a choice, to walk away or to mend it. Believe it or not, it is fixable and those that I know went through the process of repair (includes counselling) have the strongest marriages now.

It seems people are so quick to walk away, not realising that its usually a symptom of something else that is the root cause. That’s why counselling is important.

The irony is that those that are on the receiving end of physical abuse stay in that marriage when they should not. But I digress.

OP needs to make a decision. If there are kids I would urge him to at least try. If not then meh, his choice. Hopefully both find happiness.
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It’s true, you don’t walk away. After everything I was willing to forgive her. But the way she handled it is atrocious. She refuses counselling as well.
 
I'm sorry it happened to you dude. Same thing happened to me and it messed me up big time especially since we had a son together. We tried to fix things and it didn't work (mostly my fault in that respect though). You will never trust her again and that's no way for you to live. Get out now with a clean break and move on is my advice.
 
johnjm said:
Lust? So many apparent experts here it’s laughable.

Has no one heard of an emotional affair? They are more powerful that any physical act, and they usually fizzle out as soon as it becomes sexual.

The mind is a powerful thing. It’s pretty sad that a random online forum is giving this guy advice on something they know ****all about.

The best thing OP can do is go speak to a therapist, a marriage counsellor, and I’m not saying with the wife, or for the marriage. But for himself. This forum is filled with scorned men it seems.
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It was emotional, turned sexual and ended up a sh@tshow.

She still chose to talk to him, rather than me. And no matter what nothing can change it.
 
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Norrad said:
I'm sorry it happened to you dude. Same thing happened to me and it messed me up big time especially since we had a son together. We tried to fix things and it didn't work (mostly my fault in that respect though). You will never trust her again and that's no way for you to live. Get out now with a clean break and move on is my advice.
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Thank you, I agree. If we had kids it would’ve been 10 times harder. But things between us were going good. So I can just imagine in tough times how easy it would be for her to stray. Trust gone. Respect none
 
RedViking said:
NO NO NO! It was an emotional affair stupid. Trust me, I have friends.
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Yes, she trusted that guy more by her conscious not coming clean by herself but only when confronted. If it was an emotional affair then let those two then get together as she trusted him more than her husband as he knew she was married. Those two can go to a therapist and hookup. A happy fairytale ending.
 
James 77 said:
It’s true, you don’t walk away. After everything I was willing to forgive her. But the way she handled it is atrocious. She refuses counselling as well.
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Well if she indeed refuses counselling then it won’t be fixed. Good luck, it’s a **** one.

Just don’t become like most divorced men on this forum, sour and cynical. **** happens, especially nowadays with the generation of instant gratification. I’d hate to be single out there. Sure it would be filled with meaningless sex, but oh so hollow and depressing in the end.
 
johnjm said:
Well if she indeed refuses counselling then it won’t be fixed. Good luck, it’s a **** one.

Just don’t become like most divorced men on this forum, sour and cynical. **** happens, especially nowadays with the generation of instant gratification. I’d hate to be single out there. Sure it would be filled with meaningless sex, but oh so hollow and depressing in the end.
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Its true. Meaningless sex will be great in the moment, but afterwards it’s empty. Was at varsity for 6 years, and it was always empty.
She was in varsity for 4 years before we started dating, so she had time to play around. Just a pity she messed it up for something like this
 
James 77 said:
Its true. Meaningless sex will be great in the moment, but afterwards it’s empty. Was at varsity for 6 years, and it was always empty.
She was in varsity for 4 years before we started dating, so she had time to play around. Just a pity she messed it up for something like this
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Yes, she is human like everyone else. Humans make mistakes. Rather move out than continue what sounds like a pretty dysfunctional arrangement.

I don’t know you, but no one is perfect, and i highly doubt you were the perfect husband either way. I’m not saying you brought this onto yourself, I’m saying instead of making more kak than there already is, just move on then.

What do your parents say?
 
James 77 said:
Me speaking with the professional and my friends came to the following :
From her actions and words
-she says she wants to go back home to her parents, and that’s why she wants to get a divorce.
-she had an affair
-she doesn’t love him and isn’t in love with him (she says) (apparently it was stupidity)
-she still loves me
-she is still living here and even started cooking (i used to do all the cooking)

From my side:
-I do still love her. I will always.
-I’m not sure I can trust her with regards to what she’s saying, and I won’t be able to trust her fully ever again.
-There are many contradictions in what she says.
-I’m not sure she loves me.

What is weird is it seems she hasn’t found closure yet, we had coffee outside and talked and she was sad when I spoke about my future plans and moving on etc.

Divorce is definitely the one and only thing to do.
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So I take it her folks live in another province?
Her attachment to her parents makes me wonder if you guys are Indian. :p
 
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