Yet some more relationship advice needed

P

Patty

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I am young and it has been a while since I have been in a relationship. All of that changed a few weeks ago. I met a girl and we both rushed into a relationship.

I am quite a busy individual and work full time. I have a very demanding job that takes a lot out of me. Also I am busy completing a qualification that costs approximately 200K. This is not related to my job and therefore I get no study leave. I come home after a long day... traffic etc and do what needs to be done at home. Then after this long day I study till 10/11pm. The exams that I do have a pass % of 75 %. Anything below is a fail. So it is taking a lot out of me because its a case of either you know it or you don't. So on week nights I study until late at night, every night, then the next morning I'm awake just before 6a.m. to start the day again. I use most of my weekends for studying too. Weekends are great to get decent study sessions done. My desire and passion drives me to complete this qualification because it is my dream.

So you could say time is precious with me. I'm not saying that there is no time at all for a relationship but time is really scarce. The thing is, of the free time that I do have I question whether I should be using it spending time with a girl or spend time just relaxing and doing nothing, watching TV or just simply resting... clearing the mind.

I have noticed that since I have been in this relationship I have had to sacrifice a bit of study time. She undoubtedly gives me the space that I need to study and is very understanding towards my busy lifestyle but even then it may not be enough.

Then there is the other part. It's great to have a girl friend but I question myself whether this is really what I need in my life at this point of time. I know that she likes me a lot. I can see it through her actions and words. Now I do like her but im not sure I like her the same as she likes me. I question myself often and ask if this is the right girl for me. It feels like I may be getting cold feet. Isn't love suppose to be unquestionable attraction to one another or does that come with time?

This may sounds high school but its a difficult situation I have found myself in. Do I call it quits and break her heart or do I just go with the flow? What is your opinion guys n gals because im confused?
 
Well tbh, your reservations towards her could be a result of your commitment to your study. If you could find a balance of study, work, personal time and then time with her things may look up. Dont though waste your studies on a girl you are not into. If you can honestly say you wont feel any different tomorrow if you were single, then you probably should be, because those feeling wont just go away and they could effect the relationship. If this girl means a helleva lot to you, and theres a chance it could work out in the long run, then it always worth it to try make it work. I find i need a woman to provide balance in my life...

Ill re-arrange my life to be with someone if I have to. Work isnt going to bring happiness in my life, a good woman will.
 
Oh yes I forgot to mention. Also relationships cost money and besides the costs of living I do have a very expensive course (200k) that I am doing to pay off. That's another factor. I know there needs to be balance but the way I think of it is that sacrifices need to be made now to enjoy life later.
 
Sounds to me like you've made up your mind.
 
Well patty i think you need to take this post and show to your g/f and see what she says. Just tell her you really really like here but : insert post.

Thing is maybe she will understand and give you more space which by the sounds of it is what you need. Just remember though one day when you have your degree and you cannot find a good women you may regret just letting this one go. Regret is a very very horrible feeling and if this girl is amazing in your eyes it would be silly of you to break up with her.
 
In life timing is everything and this relationship happens to be bad timing. Unlucky...
 
AvatarS said:
Sounds to me like you've made up your mind.
Click to expand...

A few things come to mind

Maybe im still looking for miss perfect?
Maybe im too fussy in finding miss perfect?
Maybe the time is not right?

Maybe im just full of sh*t LOL :p :D ?
 
You are young , so you have your future to consider, and one would hope that it go's beyond the house in the suburbs with a picket fence, 2 and half kids and debt up to your eyeballs.
Consider your studies over a relationship, consider your dreams and goals as no1 priorites in your life, everything else should be placed secondary until you have acheived what you set out to accomplice.
Take the time out to explain this to her, if she is decent and caring of you and your goals and desires, she will understand, and stick around.
If there is a hugely emotional response, then get out, before it becomes an emotional distraction in your life, because then your studies really will suffer.
If you start to focus on a relationship too soon, then your studies will suffer the natural consequences, and what if it doesnt go as planned, then you will begin to resent that individual for detracting you from your studies.
Stick to your studies, stick to your plan, dont give in to outside influence at any cost to those goals.
The alternative is a life of frustration in unfullfilled dreams.
 
I also should mention that for some reason I have a slight phobia of relationships or rather commitment. This "phobia" could be screaming all the negatives to me. I think relationships scare me a little bit is because i'm scared of being used, hurt and taken advantage of? Scared of loosing out in other things in life that I mentioned above.

The more I share my story here the more I think im messed up when it comes to relationships. :confused:

Thanks for the words and advice so far.
 
Patty said:
A few things come to mind

Maybe im still looking for miss perfect?
Maybe im too fussy in finding miss perfect?
Maybe the time is not right?

Maybe im just full of sh*t LOL :p :D ?
Click to expand...

First off, decide what your actual concern is: her or your studies. I don't mean which is more important right now. I mean, which one is the reason you're actually thinking of ending it.

Imagine that you didn't have the busy life right now. Would you want her in it? If not, then it's over.

If you want to be with her, and the main reason that's making you think you can't be with her is because of time and money, then talk to her. If she understands that you can't get together much because you're usually studying or working, and also that you need to conserve cash, that works. If she isn't understanding, then it's best for both of you to end it.

Timing is never ideal. Get used to it.
 
Patty said:
I also should mention that for some reason I have a slight phobia of relationships or rather commitment. This "phobia" could be screaming all the negatives to me. I think relationships scare me a little bit is because i'm scared of being used, hurt and taken advantage of? Scared of loosing out in other things in life that I mentioned above.

The more I share my story here the more I think im messed up when it comes to relationships. :confused:

Thanks for the words and advice so far.
Click to expand...

True of most people, I think. And speaking from personal experience, something that has you making any excuse to avoid committing, which you do end up regretting.
 
Patty said:
A few things come to mind

Maybe im still looking for miss perfect?
Maybe im too fussy in finding miss perfect?
Maybe the time is not right?

Maybe im just full of sh*t LOL :p :D ?
Click to expand...

Maybe all relationships take time and effort to make them work and there is no miss perfect and happily ever after. ;)

Yes the time might not be right, but will the time ever be right?

The key to it all is finding a balance between work and play. After you have this degree it might just happen that you find a great job but it also takes a lot of your time to get to the top and that's your new goal. What then, are you just going to put it right at the top again and not have a relationship?

If you like her and you think it could actually work, then keep going out with her and make it work. Make time to spend with her etc.

If you don't like her in the same way and are just going out with her cause she's into you, then you're wasting both your and her time, then you should probably end it. But only if you actually don't feel the same way about her.

But don't end it cause you're too busy with other things. Too much of anything is a bad thing. This applies to work as well and in the end it's your happiness that's most important. Money can't buy happiness and all that.
 
Patty said:
The more I share my story here the more I think im messed up when it comes to relationships. :confused:
Click to expand...

If you havent figured out what it is you want, need, require or desire in or from a relationship other than companionship, love and sex, then you should avoid them until you are ready.
 
Patty said:
Then there is the other part. It's great to have a girl friend but I question myself whether this is really what I need in my life at this point of time. I know that she likes me a lot. I can see it through her actions and words. Now I do like her but im not sure I like her the same as she likes me. I question myself often and ask if this is the right girl for me. It feels like I may be getting cold feet. Isn't love suppose to be unquestionable attraction to one another or does that come with time?

This may sounds high school but its a difficult situation I have found myself in. Do I call it quits and break her heart or do I just go with the flow? What is your opinion guys n gals because im confused?
Click to expand...

As mentioned if you need more time to study then maybe ask for it? If she likes you she will be accommodating?

The unquestionable attraction thing may or may not ever happen but i don't think it comes with time either. I think as people get older, this becomes an ideal that's given up on to a certain extent
 
Don't waste your time now on a girl; you are still young. Concentrate on your studies, you won't regret doing it.
 
krycor said:
As mentioned if you need more time to study then maybe ask for it? If she likes you she will be accommodating?
Click to expand...

Up to a point... you can't expect her to hang around, putting her own life on hold, to wait for you. She may care for you a lot, but not seeing you often isn't easy, and it may be better for both of you in that case to declare it as bad timing and move on.
 
Balance...life is about balance :) A little bit of work, a little bit of education and a little bit of fun. Get her a hobby or something to study as well.
 
CathJ said:
Up to a point... you can't expect her to hang around, putting her own life on hold, to wait for you. She may care for you a lot, but not seeing you often isn't easy, and it may be better for both of you in that case to declare it as bad timing and move on.
Click to expand...

No doubt but if she is in it for the long haul then its not that bad, besides its not like he is being possessive either. But then he? is not as sure of her so she might be getting the short end of the stick.:rolleyes:
 
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