Decided to post this under my real account instead of an alt because A) I don't use it anymore B) who cares.
Gather round, this will be a long story. I am writing it partially because writing it down will help me think about it and because I could geniunely use some advice.
I'm South African, living in the UK. I met my wife a few years ago - she is Polish. We got married last year after being engaged quite a short time, and our baby daughter was born this year. She was unplanned. She's lovely, she's amazing, but as everyone knows, having a baby is hard work. Our baby is 5 months old.
I work from home full time and my wife is on maternity leave for a year. When our baby was born, I took 8 weeks of paternity leave, and I'll have got another 9 weeks or so coming up in December and January. My wife looks after the baby during the day, we split bathtime and bedtime roughly 60/40 (with her doing more of it), and I help her out on weekends. We also have a cleaner that comes twice a week who takes care of most household cleaning duties but there is still some stuff for my wife to do.
Our baby is a well behaved baby by the standards of babies. She sleeps well at night for her age - like from 7PM until 4:30AM, sometimes even right through (but not often). She is horrible at napping though. Its got better, but it tends to be difficult to put her down for naps, and she doesn't nap for that long. That's probably the most difficult part of having her, for my wife and I. Otherwise she was never colicky, and recently we've noticed that she gets bored easily and it can be difficult to keep her entertained (we don't want to give her screen time which would be the easy answer).
The biggest problem we have is deciding where to live. I want to go to the USA, because I love warmer climates (so does my wife, she doesn't like winter but doesn't want to make a decision on where to live based on climate) and also because I'd earn much more money over there. We're talking an easy doubling of my current salary and a much higher ceiling. So, to give concrete numbers, I earn around R4.5 million per year now, in the USA I should get at least R8 million per year and pay less income tax on that.
She wants to live in Poland because she has family there. I have family in the UK, but not much - most of mine is in South Africa. I have no parents - they are both dead. One brother lives in England, the other lives in SA but is probably emigrating to another European country soon (not the UK and not Poland). I've been to Poland, and I like some aspects of it. I like that the houses are far more South African-like than English houses. We could get a decent house even by South African standards in Poland. The weather is a mixed bag. The summers are nicer than the UK, but the winters are longer and harsher. So about the same. The language is incredibly difficult, but I'll eventually get there if I keep learning it and maybe using it more often than I do now. I estimate about 5 years until I'd be able to join a social conversation in Polish. Right now I understand enough to know what some basic conversations are about but I get totally lost in most social situations.
Downsides of Poland besides the language and weather - my income would take a hit. Difficult to know exactly how much but I'd estimate down to 50-60% of what it is now. Cost of living is lower in Poland, but maybe not as low as it used to be. We went there recently and my wife was surprised at how much things cost now. With that being said, I'd expect hiring a nanny to be much cheaper, property is definitely much cheaper, and eating out is cheaper.
I don't love the food but I can live with it - even my wife says eating Polish food for 3 weeks straight gets a bit much.
Could we stay in the UK? Yes, but neither of us love it here. I don't like the weather and I prefer Polish countryside - its a lot more beautiful. England is so overcrowded, I never find myself amazed at the beauty of it. You just don't have those same beautiful views that you get in Poland or South Africa. The other problem with England is that both of us want a nice standalone house with a decently sized garden, and even with my impressive salary, that's out of our reach for a few years. We could get that in Poland tomorrow.
Some other important background - my wife had a terrible childhood, and she's had a lot of mental health issues since she gave birth. In fact, that's what drives most of our conflict although our wife doesn't want to admit it. She suffers from anxiety a lot. She did see a therapist (basically at my insistence) who helped a bit, but she doesn't want to continue seeing a therapist. This therapist helped her with particular issues she was having at the time, but she still hasn't dealt with that difficult childhood of hers. I mean worse than mine and I had a parent die young with the other parent being abusive.
So she wants to move back to Poland so that our daughter is around family who love her. Fair enough, I get it, it makes a difference. I have family in South Africa but I don't want to move back because, well, the ANC. The issue is that she's super incredibly unhappy. Like mega unhappy, living in England, raising our daughter without family living literally next door. Her ideal would be able to just drive to family in the afternoons to spend some time with them while I'm working. That's her ideal.
The reality is, if we do move to Poland, I'm not sure we can move to where her family lives. One, its risky because if the remote job market dries up we are screwed, but two, there is nobody nearby who speaks English for me to befriend. Everyone around me would speak very limited English (most would speak none at all).
Personally, I think what's driving this is that she didn't get enough love as a child, and she wants to make sure our daughter will get enough love. I get it, but our daughter will get enough love with two married parents who love each other and her. I think not dealing with her childhood is making my wife put the idea of living near family as the most important thing in the world. It's important, sure, but I think the level of unhappiness she has considering things are otherwise not bad is maybe out of balance.
She is also upset that we haven't made a final decision on where to live. I haven't made this final decision because I don't know what to do. If we move to the USA, we'd earn enough that we could hire a full time nanny and retire early, maybe when I'm 55. I get the chance to grow my career. Maybe I could become a director of engineering at a well known company? If we move to Poland, career takes a serious backseat for family.
My wife has expressed that she is worried about moving to the USA because neither of us know anyone there. I'm thinking that, based on this, I have to rule it out. I'd love to move there, but I don't think she is up for the adventure. She is worried that if we move to Poland, I'll resent her for the rest of my life.
The thing that really hurts is that she said maybe we should not have married each other if we can't decide where to live. This hurts because... I've always put us ahead of everything else. Ahead of the country we live in and ahead of each other's family. It's our immediate little family that matters, and if we stick together, everything will be fine.
Quick summary of options and then I'll stop writing:
Option A): Move to the USA. Great climate, double the income, retire early, big house, holidays all over the world, full time nanny. Would likely include investing in property in Poland and spending a few weeks there every year. Easy to do when earning dollars.
Option B): Move to Poland. Climate about the same, if not worse than England. Income takes a hit, but cost of living drops too. Probably a full time nanny, big house. Family nearby and not too far to my own European family. But we might have to live close to Warsaw so still 1-2 hours from her family meaning she can't just drop in every afternoon.
Option C): Stay in England. Climate sucks, natural beauty sucks, overcrowded. Income remains good, with a higher ceiling. Can't afford a full time nanny right now but she doesn't have to work either. Could buy a holiday home in Poland and spend a few weeks there over the summer, and have her family stay with us instead of the other way around.
Gather round, this will be a long story. I am writing it partially because writing it down will help me think about it and because I could geniunely use some advice.
I'm South African, living in the UK. I met my wife a few years ago - she is Polish. We got married last year after being engaged quite a short time, and our baby daughter was born this year. She was unplanned. She's lovely, she's amazing, but as everyone knows, having a baby is hard work. Our baby is 5 months old.
I work from home full time and my wife is on maternity leave for a year. When our baby was born, I took 8 weeks of paternity leave, and I'll have got another 9 weeks or so coming up in December and January. My wife looks after the baby during the day, we split bathtime and bedtime roughly 60/40 (with her doing more of it), and I help her out on weekends. We also have a cleaner that comes twice a week who takes care of most household cleaning duties but there is still some stuff for my wife to do.
Our baby is a well behaved baby by the standards of babies. She sleeps well at night for her age - like from 7PM until 4:30AM, sometimes even right through (but not often). She is horrible at napping though. Its got better, but it tends to be difficult to put her down for naps, and she doesn't nap for that long. That's probably the most difficult part of having her, for my wife and I. Otherwise she was never colicky, and recently we've noticed that she gets bored easily and it can be difficult to keep her entertained (we don't want to give her screen time which would be the easy answer).
The biggest problem we have is deciding where to live. I want to go to the USA, because I love warmer climates (so does my wife, she doesn't like winter but doesn't want to make a decision on where to live based on climate) and also because I'd earn much more money over there. We're talking an easy doubling of my current salary and a much higher ceiling. So, to give concrete numbers, I earn around R4.5 million per year now, in the USA I should get at least R8 million per year and pay less income tax on that.
She wants to live in Poland because she has family there. I have family in the UK, but not much - most of mine is in South Africa. I have no parents - they are both dead. One brother lives in England, the other lives in SA but is probably emigrating to another European country soon (not the UK and not Poland). I've been to Poland, and I like some aspects of it. I like that the houses are far more South African-like than English houses. We could get a decent house even by South African standards in Poland. The weather is a mixed bag. The summers are nicer than the UK, but the winters are longer and harsher. So about the same. The language is incredibly difficult, but I'll eventually get there if I keep learning it and maybe using it more often than I do now. I estimate about 5 years until I'd be able to join a social conversation in Polish. Right now I understand enough to know what some basic conversations are about but I get totally lost in most social situations.
Downsides of Poland besides the language and weather - my income would take a hit. Difficult to know exactly how much but I'd estimate down to 50-60% of what it is now. Cost of living is lower in Poland, but maybe not as low as it used to be. We went there recently and my wife was surprised at how much things cost now. With that being said, I'd expect hiring a nanny to be much cheaper, property is definitely much cheaper, and eating out is cheaper.
I don't love the food but I can live with it - even my wife says eating Polish food for 3 weeks straight gets a bit much.
Could we stay in the UK? Yes, but neither of us love it here. I don't like the weather and I prefer Polish countryside - its a lot more beautiful. England is so overcrowded, I never find myself amazed at the beauty of it. You just don't have those same beautiful views that you get in Poland or South Africa. The other problem with England is that both of us want a nice standalone house with a decently sized garden, and even with my impressive salary, that's out of our reach for a few years. We could get that in Poland tomorrow.
Some other important background - my wife had a terrible childhood, and she's had a lot of mental health issues since she gave birth. In fact, that's what drives most of our conflict although our wife doesn't want to admit it. She suffers from anxiety a lot. She did see a therapist (basically at my insistence) who helped a bit, but she doesn't want to continue seeing a therapist. This therapist helped her with particular issues she was having at the time, but she still hasn't dealt with that difficult childhood of hers. I mean worse than mine and I had a parent die young with the other parent being abusive.
So she wants to move back to Poland so that our daughter is around family who love her. Fair enough, I get it, it makes a difference. I have family in South Africa but I don't want to move back because, well, the ANC. The issue is that she's super incredibly unhappy. Like mega unhappy, living in England, raising our daughter without family living literally next door. Her ideal would be able to just drive to family in the afternoons to spend some time with them while I'm working. That's her ideal.
The reality is, if we do move to Poland, I'm not sure we can move to where her family lives. One, its risky because if the remote job market dries up we are screwed, but two, there is nobody nearby who speaks English for me to befriend. Everyone around me would speak very limited English (most would speak none at all).
Personally, I think what's driving this is that she didn't get enough love as a child, and she wants to make sure our daughter will get enough love. I get it, but our daughter will get enough love with two married parents who love each other and her. I think not dealing with her childhood is making my wife put the idea of living near family as the most important thing in the world. It's important, sure, but I think the level of unhappiness she has considering things are otherwise not bad is maybe out of balance.
She is also upset that we haven't made a final decision on where to live. I haven't made this final decision because I don't know what to do. If we move to the USA, we'd earn enough that we could hire a full time nanny and retire early, maybe when I'm 55. I get the chance to grow my career. Maybe I could become a director of engineering at a well known company? If we move to Poland, career takes a serious backseat for family.
My wife has expressed that she is worried about moving to the USA because neither of us know anyone there. I'm thinking that, based on this, I have to rule it out. I'd love to move there, but I don't think she is up for the adventure. She is worried that if we move to Poland, I'll resent her for the rest of my life.
The thing that really hurts is that she said maybe we should not have married each other if we can't decide where to live. This hurts because... I've always put us ahead of everything else. Ahead of the country we live in and ahead of each other's family. It's our immediate little family that matters, and if we stick together, everything will be fine.
Quick summary of options and then I'll stop writing:
Option A): Move to the USA. Great climate, double the income, retire early, big house, holidays all over the world, full time nanny. Would likely include investing in property in Poland and spending a few weeks there every year. Easy to do when earning dollars.
Option B): Move to Poland. Climate about the same, if not worse than England. Income takes a hit, but cost of living drops too. Probably a full time nanny, big house. Family nearby and not too far to my own European family. But we might have to live close to Warsaw so still 1-2 hours from her family meaning she can't just drop in every afternoon.
Option C): Stay in England. Climate sucks, natural beauty sucks, overcrowded. Income remains good, with a higher ceiling. Can't afford a full time nanny right now but she doesn't have to work either. Could buy a holiday home in Poland and spend a few weeks there over the summer, and have her family stay with us instead of the other way around.
