Advice on Marriage and Relocation

koffiejunkie said:
Why is she unhappy? Do you think she'll be happy in the US? Unless she's unhappy because of your meagre £200,000 odd income? I can promise you, the extra money isn't going to help in that department. Putting your materialistic desires before your wife's happiness is only going to end one way.
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She probably won't be happy in the US. She is somewhat motivated by money, like me. She says she will only move to the USA if I earn $500k or more.
koffiejunkie said:
You two need to make that decision together. And if it's a compromise, you need to have a clear understanding of what each of you are willing to give up and compromise on, and how you're going to fill those gaps. So back to my earlier comment, you need to understand why she's unhappy. "I think what's driving this" isn't any good. You need to be able to articulate the problem in a way that she agrees with. And make sure whatever you propose, addresses this in a way that you both agree is worthwhile. You're practically in still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship - it's not going to last forever. Unhappy wife, unhappy life.
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I do understand why she is unhappy - its because she wants to live closer to family particularly when the children are young.

koffiejunkie said:
A few thoughts:

1. You don't have to make a decision now that's set in stone forever. Things change, and if you're in engineering, you'll always have options. If being close to her family is really important, while the kid is young, and particularly if there are unresolved issues with the family that will require face to face time, then this is what I propose: Agree to give Poland a try for 5 or 6 years. Pick a city close enough to her family so it's a reasonable drive/train ride away. Lots of British and American companies have operations or contracts all over Eastern Europe where you'll be able to work in English. A gree on what you two want to get out of the time there. Relationship goals with the family, etc. Your reasons for being there. Then, when the time is up, you can decide to stay if it worked out or decide where you want to go next. Five years from now, the world will probably look a bit different.
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Won't work. My wife doesn't want to move again, ever. She hates moving, its like she has a phobia of it. If we move now, I guarantee we'll never move again. If I even suggest that Poland will not be a permanent move (ie 5 or 6 years) she will throw a fit.

koffiejunkie said:
2. Learn the language. You're married to a pole. And make sure your kid learns the language too. I know the slavic languages are hard, but if even the dumbest Polish idiot could learn it, so can you.
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Have been learning it for over a year. It's hard.

koffiejunkie said:
3. It really sounds to me like US is your obsession and it doesn't really have much to do with your wife. This seems a bit selfish. But if you wife is mega unhappy in the UK and wants to be in Poland but somehow is OK with the US, you should seriously consider a few other places. Australia has all the good parts of the US minus all the awful stuff. Much better working culture and work life balance too. Lots of British and Polish and South African immigrants - you'll be able to find likeminded people easily. This thread should give you some ideas.
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As I mentioned, Australia is too remote, pay is crap, and the Australian lockdown scared us. We value liberty and freedom, hence why America is even an option.

It's more my dream than hers, yes, but that doesn't mean our interests don't align in some respects here. She wants me to earn a lot of money, she wants a nice house with a garden, she wants a rural lifestyle, she wants to not have winter. It's just that those things are all below family on her list of priorities, which is fine.
 
I'll add a few more reasons why my wife is unhappy.

She hates instability - she wants a permanent home in a permanent country where she never has to move again.
She can't handle raising our daughter alone - she wants to do this with family around her.
She hates uncertainty - she hates that I haven't made a decision about where to live.

There is only one thing that will resolve those three and it is NOT moving to Poland for 5-6 years and then moving again. It means moving to Poland and never moving again.
 
Mate, you probably don't want to hear this, but sounds like you will have to move to Poland.

Take the financial hit, learn to love the dreadful food, and try to learn the language.

One not-so-far-fetched reason you could use to persuade your wife not to move there is that Putin is not going to stop looking Westwards.
 
Could you not work in Poland for your current UK employer - solving the cost of living / money worry AND be closer to family. You may also find that being surrounded by her family (whom i hope you get along with) can help with your language challenges?
 
Mzezman said:
Could you not work in Poland for your current UK employer - solving the cost of living / money worry AND be closer to family. You may also find that being surrounded by her family (whom i hope you get along with) can help with your language challenges?
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I would definitely continue working for my current employer. The problem is, my company is international - they just have corporate entities in a variety of different places. So I'd be employed by the Polish entity and paid in local currency. I'd estimate that I'd take a 30-40% hit on my salary but still be paid well by Polish standards.
 
Naks said:
Mate, you probably don't want to hear this, but sounds like you will have to move to Poland.

Take the financial hit, learn to love the dreadful food, and try to learn the language.

One not-so-far-fetched reason you could use to persuade your wife not to move there is that Putin is not going to stop looking Westwards.
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Poland is a part of NATO.
 
prod said:
Bruh this is some wild sh*t
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Okay okay she said $400k now that I think about it. But the point is she would only consider moving there if they pay me a metric ton of money that enables us to buy a big house and hire a housekeeper/nanny.
 
Reading through the lines I think you are more worried about losing out on your career than money.

Have you tried broaching the idea of giving it 5 years for you to give your career a go and then when the little one is ready for school move to Poland?

And of course regular holidays to Poland to visit family until then.
 
I spoke to the US (there was a zoom call)... go to Poland.

It was unanimous.
 
Ancalagon said:
that enables us to buy a big house and hire a housekeeper/nanny.
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Why the nanny....does your wife intend working full time if you move to the US? The way you're describing it sounds like you must earn $400k, get a nanny and wife is living lavida loca.
 
I'm going to say the opposite of most people here. What do you want to do and is best for you? Do that. She can go along with it or go her own way. You are the one working and bringing home the bacon.

As for Poland, all I know its currently right next to a boiling cauldron.
 
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B-1 said:
Reading through the lines I think you are more worried about losing out on your career than money.

Have you tried broaching the idea of giving it 5 years for you to give your career a go and then when the little one is ready for school move to Poland?

And of course regular holidays to Poland to visit family until then.
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I mean its partially that but its also the financial freedom to buy nice properties and retire early. It's also the climate - long winter days depress me and unfortunately that's what you get this far North.

saor said:
Why the nanny....does your wife intend working full time if you move to the US? The way you're describing it sounds like you must earn $400k, get a nanny and wife is living lavida loca.
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No, she is worried about working in the USA because of the work culture there - limited time off etc. The assumption is that I'd earn enough money that she could find a chilled job if she wanted to, like a teacher or something.

She would probably go back to work if we lived in Poland but I don't know when or where. Not while we have tiny children I think.
 
Nuke said:
I'm going to say the opposite of most people here. What do you want to do and is best for you? Do that. She can go along with it or go her own way. You are the one working and bringing home the bacon.

As for Poland, all I know its currently right next to a boiling cauldron.
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I want to stay married to my wife and I don't want my child(ren) to grow up in a broken home.

If we could get that plus nice weather and lots of money I'd be extremely happy, but I suspect its impossible.

I wish SA wasn't so f'ed otherwise it would be an option.
 
What I don't understand is she had a difficult childhood. Who gave her the difficult childhood? Is that where she wants to move back too with your child?
 
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