Advice on Marriage and Relocation

[rh1]

My 5cents:

1: Disagree on the happy wife, happy life. More like, husband must always compromise leading to very unhappy men in relationships.
2. My focus is my daughter happiness and wellbeing and that she is equipped to face the world once I am no longer around
3. My wife decisions have mainly been from emotional basis. In the beginning I gave in her to whims, but it always left the family worse off. See point 2, since I became a father, I make decisions, that wife was not always happy with, but after time she realised was the right one because I made decisions based on considering a lot of things and removing the emotions from the decisions.
4. I am not responsible for my wife happiness. We both had crappy childhoods, however, she as an adult must take responsibility for her mental wellbeing. I will always provide support in whatever form she needs. This is a difficult one, because no ones want to see a love one unhappy. But if it is a consistent issue, your wife needs to accept some accountability and responsibility for working on her issues. Moving to Poland wont magically resolve her issues.
5. Money is important and not important. Will you have enough? Will you be able to give your daughter the start she needs in life? If yes, it is not important, if no it is important.

 

[Ancalagon]

What I don't understand is she had a difficult childhood. Who gave her the difficult childhood? Is that where she wants to move back too with your child?

Too complicated and too personal to explain.

 

[B-1]

I mean its partially that but its also the financial freedom to buy nice properties and retire early. It's also the climate - long winter days depress me and unfortunately that's what you get this far North.

You can try your luck by stalling to see if its something she really wants or take a big chance and send her to stay with family in Poland for a few months to see if its really what she is fantasising and picturing it to be like.

At the end of the day one of you is going to have to make a sacrifice and will likely resent the other for it for the rest of your life. If that's a small resentment or a big one only time can tell.

 

[Sensorei]

I want to stay married to my wife and I don't want my child(ren) to grow up in a broken home.

If we could get that plus nice weather and lots of money I'd be extremely happy, but I suspect its impossible.

I wish SA wasn't so f'ed otherwise it would be an option.

If you want to stay with her then you will have to sacrifice your own happiness for her's. I don't see any other way around it. There will be regrets, but you have to weigh it up. Do you really believe you can be happy in Poland? What if you don't get along with your mother in law and your wife sides with her?

Your marriage is still early days and you have got yourself in a situation that would end many marriages. You are the breadwinner, you do have more say in where you live to provide your family. But she clearly has a very strong personality. She''s given you an ultimatum. That's not something you do in a healthy marriage. You're in a situation where you know you either do what she wants, or she will leave you and take what she can get from you.

I totally disagree about happy wife, happy life. You're going to be absolutely miserable in Poland basically giving up on your dreams for her. There's no fair trade off.

She probably won't be happy in the US. She is somewhat motivated by money, like me. She says she will only move to the USA if I earn $500k or more.

She informed you that unless you earn more than $500K/year in the USA she is leaving you. This is not going to end well when the pink cloud fades. No women who truly loves her man says that.

 

[saor]

She informed you that unless you earn more than $500K/year in the USA she is leaving you. This is not going to end well when the pink cloud fades. No women who truly loves her man says that.

She said she won't consider moving there if earning less than that.

 

[Ancalagon]

Your marriage is still early days and you have got yourself in a situation that would end many marriages. You are the breadwinner, you do have more say in where you live to provide your family. But she clearly has a very strong personality. She''s given you an ultimatum. That's not something you do in a healthy marriage. You're in a situation where you know you either do what she wants, or she will leave you and take what she can get from you.

She hasn't given me an ultimatum but she has let me know she is unhappy living in England, and why. She has also said she would go with me to the USA but is scared to do so because she'd be lonely and isolated.

Personally, while she'd be willing to go with me to the USA, I can only see this ending in disaster. If she is struggling with her mental health in England, there is no way that this will be better in the USA and money will not help.

I totally disagree about happy wife, happy life. You're going to be absolutely miserable in Poland basically giving up on your dreams for her. There's no fair trade off.

I think I can tolerate living in Poland better than she can tolerate living in the USA. In exchange I get a massive house in the beautiful countryside and will probably be able to dictate where we go on holiday.

She informed you that unless you earn more than $500K/year in the USA she is leaving you. This is not going to end well when the pink cloud fades. No women who truly loves her man says that.

She didn't say that, she just said that she doesn't want to go to the USA and would only think it is worth going if I can actually make a lot of money.

 

[cguy]

My take: Plan to move to the US for at least 5 years.

Why:

- If you decide to stay after 5 years, great. If not, you can leave for Poland with €1m of savings.
- You will know the language after 5 years - you need to study it for 5 years while in the USA - even if you don’t go to Poland permanently, it will help you speak to your wife, her family and the locals when you visit. IMO, going to Poland without knowing the language is a huge risk in itself.
- The US is full of expats including entire suburbs of cities that are almost entirely Polish. Great for learning the language and finding community.
- Moving again sucks, but it’s a lot easier with money.
- You may also find work in the USA that allows you to work remotely from Poland at very high rates if/when you leave.
- You won’t be asking yourself “what if”

Caution:
- Deferred comp may mean that if you leave after 5 years, you lose out on ~2 years of income, so make sure you get a deal that makes sense for you.

 

[skimread]

What job gives you 8 million per year?

 

[Jola]

Hmm, very difficult.

That part of the world could become a growth point in Europe if the Ukraine war ends with the Russians out, and major reconstruction going into Ukraine.

But, of course, it could be a shitshow if Putin and his close colleagues have their way.

I am inclined to think that you are going to have to go to Poland, but it will be tough for you. I am sure that you will be able to cope with the language, after all work will always be leaning more towards English.

The way you talk it also sounds if you have a 2nd kid on the way, or are planning it.

 

[Pak Fa Fui]

What job gives you 8 million per year?

Most CEOs in SA earn that much, excluding performance bonus

 

[RedViking]

I'll add a few more reasons why my wife is unhappy.

She hates instability - she wants a permanent home in a permanent country where she never has to move again.
She can't handle raising our daughter alone - she wants to do this with family around her.
She hates uncertainty - she hates that I haven't made a decision about where to live.

There is only one thing that will resolve those three and it is NOT moving to Poland for 5-6 years and then moving again. It means moving to Poland and never moving again.

One thing I have learned:

1. Life us unpredictable and the future is uncertain.
2. Governments wage wars. Homes get destroyed.
3. No matter the circumstances. We adapt.

Sounds like wife is living in a fantasy.

 

[SauRoNZA]

Move to Poland and work for a company that pays the most remotely sounds like a good answer to me.

One of the big reasons I have moved anywhere is the lack of family with two kids and the automatic (and free) support that brings.

 

[cguy]

What job gives you 8 million per year?

It’s pretty typical for a good developer or dev manager in the US.

 

[skimread]

One thing you haven't considered is your wife's exes who lives in Poland near her family.
The village guy or her uni boyfriends she screwed and one of them she is still friends with and might continue having a friends with benefit relationship.
You could end up putting her in that environment where you lose closeness rather than becoming more close.

 

[RedViking]

One thing you haven't considered is your wife's exes who lives in Poland near her family.
The village guy or her uni boyfriends she screwed and one of them she is still friends with and might continue having a friends with benefit relationship.
You could end up putting her in that environment where you lose closeness rather than becoming more close.

Not everyone marries a slut.

 

[skimread]

Not everyone marries a slut.

He married an Eastern European. They are unique.
Eastern Europe has some of the highest divorce rates. SA has some of the lowest. SA women are sluts if they cheat. You can't call half of Eastern Europeans sluts. Rather they are not happy if they cheat.

 

[Azbubu]

One thing you haven't considered is your wife's exes who lives in Poland near her family.
The village guy or her uni boyfriends she screwed and one of them she is still friends with and might continue having a friends with benefit relationship.
You could end up putting her in that environment where you lose closeness rather than becoming more close.

He’s South African. He can knock them out with one punch in a parking lot.

 

[skimread]

He’s South African. He can knock them out with one punch in a parking lot.

When I was in Poland as tourist it struck me how many guys drive black cars.
Bunch of wannabe gangsters vs South African one puncher. I wonder who will win. I guess we have to wait for the youtube clip.

 

[Pak Fa Fui]

Tell her you want to come back to SA, she will want to come here, if she agrees, go to USA

 

[gregmcc]

She says she will only move to the USA if I earn $500k

This is a bit of a red flag. You are the one working right. Why is she telling you how much you need to earn?

I wish SA wasn't so f'ed otherwise it would be an option.

So she is happy to live in SA then and not Poland? I'm confused. Thought it was Poland or nothing?

One of you is going to have to make a sacrifice and going to have to live with what if's for the rest of your life. I guarantee this is the first thing that will be brought up in a argument.

What if you move to Poland and she is not happy?