Advice on Marriage and Relocation

capd said:
A difficult decision to make with the stress of a young child on top of existing/worsened mental issues.

And things don't get easier. Your child will continue taking more of your time for a good while longer.

Have you considered moving to the Republic of the Western Cape while retaining your GBP salary? That would be wise, IMO. Excellent quality of life, great nannies and housekeepers on tap, etc.
Click to expand...

and lots of europeans
 
Move to Poland. Forget about personal ambitions and retiring early etc., focus on your family and what makes them happy. Our job is to provide, the wife's is to look after the household and bring it together. Without a wife/mother, your family is doomed and your kid will turn to the stripping pole.

No dude is going to be able to provide the comfort and grounding to their kids that a mother does, so you need to make sure your wife is happy. When the kid is more grown and her family isn't needed as much, you can reassess your living arrangements...
 
Tough decision to make but it sounds like wife wouldn't be happy anywhere else except Poland so choice is pretty much made up.

Where about in the UK do you live - sounds like in London. If you move further north it's a lot less crowded and a lot greener. I'm near Manchester and the countryside is greener than in SA. (I wouldn't work in London again for all the money in the world)

Not much you can do if you hate the weather though. However do you get used to it - I now hate any temp > 25 :)
So looking forward to winter.

Moving to USA would be a great unknown.
 
saor said:
And promise yourself you'll never hold this over her head no matter the argument.
Click to expand...

Covered in the second part. He needs to do this because he wants to

It's part and parcel of being married. Otherwise he may as well call it quits now and be done with it
 
Ancalagon said:
My wife has expressed that she is worried about moving to the USA because neither of us know anyone there. I'm thinking that, based on this, I have to rule it out. I'd love to move there, but I don't think she is up for the adventure. She is worried that if we move to Poland, I'll resent her for the rest of my life.
Click to expand...
The upshot of the US, depending what state you're in is you can stay on a big property near the woods and be immersed in wildlife while your kids grow up. But that solitude probably isn't what your wife wants.
 
Do you what you want to do, if she likes Poland so much she should have stayed there
 
  • Like
Reactions: rh1
Tomtomtom said:
Move to Poland.

Happy wife, happy life.

What's the worst that can happen? She'll love it no matter what, but maybe you'll need to spend a few months of the year elsewhere? Or move back eventually when the kid's a bit older?

Also going by the subtext from your wife, you don't really have the options A, B & C that you think you do. It sounds like the options are:

A. Move to Poland
B. Wait for your marriage to fall apart.
Click to expand...
9ed33713f11c79e6bf8c37a5a5285cc7.jpg
 
How much time have you spent in Poland? Seems like you don't really like the thought of it much, but you have the advantage of being married to someone who knows the place, the culture, the language, the people, etc.
You don't need to eat Polish food every day just because you live in Poland. I'm sure they have McDonalds over there too? ;)
Anyhow, marriages are all about compromise and your family doesn't necessarily have to live there forever. If she wants it really badly now, move there for a few years, see how things go and then take it from there.
 
capd said:
A difficult decision to make with the stress of a young child on top of existing/worsened mental issues.

And things don't get easier. Your child will continue taking more of your time for a good while longer.

Have you considered moving to the Republic of the Western Cape while retaining your GBP salary? That would be wise, IMO. Excellent quality of life, great nannies and housekeepers on tap, etc.
Click to expand...

Thought about it, still worried about safety, politics, future etc. We're going there end of this year so will be interesting to see. Kids will all have 3 passports (British, Polish and SA) so at least nobody will be stuck.

animal531 said:
If you can earn pounds or euros working remotely from Poland then that should still put you way ahead of the locals financially.
Click to expand...

I can only do this if I become a contractor. As a permanent employee I'd earn local currency which is not great and income tax is higher than I'd like.
 
Move to King’s Lynn. Same same. :)

Best of luck with all that, chances are by December 2024 your decisions won’t even be the same as you may think they will be.
 
Mike Hoxbig said:
Move to Poland. Forget about personal ambitions and retiring early etc., focus on your family and what makes them happy. Our job is to provide, the wife's is to look after the household and bring it together. Without a wife/mother, your family is doomed and your kid will turn to the stripping pole.

No dude is going to be able to provide the comfort and grounding to their kids that a mother does, so you need to make sure your wife is happy. When the kid is more grown and her family isn't needed as much, you can reassess your living arrangements...
Click to expand...

Yeah, true. By the time our kid is grown enough, I'll be close to retirement age. Currently 38 so by the time she is 20 I'll be 58.

saor said:
The upshot of the US, depending what state you're in is you can stay on a big property near the woods and be immersed in wildlife while your kids grow up. But that solitude probably isn't what your wife wants.
Click to expand...

Actually we both want rural living. We don't want to live in a city.

kolaval said:
@Ancalagon What work do you do?
Click to expand...

Software engineering manager at medium tech.
 
Ancalagon said:
The issue is that she's super incredibly unhappy. Like mega unhappy, living in England, raising our daughter without family living literally next door. Her ideal would be able to just drive to family in the afternoons to spend some time with them while I'm working. That's her ideal.
Click to expand...
Why is she unhappy? Do you think she'll be happy in the US? Unless she's unhappy because of your meagre £200,000 odd income? I can promise you, the extra money isn't going to help in that department. Putting your materialistic desires before your wife's happiness is only going to end one way.

Ancalagon said:
She is also upset that we haven't made a final decision on where to live. I haven't made this final decision because I don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
You two need to make that decision together. And if it's a compromise, you need to have a clear understanding of what each of you are willing to give up and compromise on, and how you're going to fill those gaps. So back to my earlier comment, you need to understand why she's unhappy. "I think what's driving this" isn't any good. You need to be able to articulate the problem in a way that she agrees with. And make sure whatever you propose, addresses this in a way that you both agree is worthwhile. You're practically in still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship - it's not going to last forever. Unhappy wife, unhappy life.

Ancalagon said:
Quick summary of options and then I'll stop writing:
Option A): Move to the USA. Great climate, double the income, retire early, big house, holidays all over the world, full time nanny. Would likely include investing in property in Poland and spending a few weeks there every year. Easy to do when earning dollars.
Option B): Move to Poland. Climate about the same, if not worse than England. Income takes a hit, but cost of living drops too. Probably a full time nanny, big house. Family nearby and not too far to my own European family. But we might have to live close to Warsaw so still 1-2 hours from her family meaning she can't just drop in every afternoon.
Option C): Stay in England. Climate sucks, natural beauty sucks, overcrowded. Income remains good, with a higher ceiling. Can't afford a full time nanny right now but she doesn't have to work either. Could buy a holiday home in Poland and spend a few weeks there over the summer, and have her family stay with us instead of the other way around.
Click to expand...

A few thoughts:

1. You don't have to make a decision now that's set in stone forever. Things change, and if you're in engineering, you'll always have options. If being close to her family is really important, while the kid is young, and particularly if there are unresolved issues with the family that will require face to face time, then this is what I propose: Agree to give Poland a try for 5 or 6 years. Pick a city close enough to her family so it's a reasonable drive/train ride away. Lots of British and American companies have operations or contracts all over Eastern Europe where you'll be able to work in English. A gree on what you two want to get out of the time there. Relationship goals with the family, etc. Your reasons for being there. Then, when the time is up, you can decide to stay if it worked out or decide where you want to go next. Five years from now, the world will probably look a bit different.

2. Learn the language. You're married to a pole. And make sure your kid learns the language too. I know the slavic languages are hard, but if even the dumbest Polish idiot could learn it, so can you.

3. It really sounds to me like US is your obsession and it doesn't really have much to do with your wife. This seems a bit selfish. But if you wife is mega unhappy in the UK and wants to be in Poland but somehow is OK with the US, you should seriously consider a few other places. Australia has all the good parts of the US minus all the awful stuff. Much better working culture and work life balance too. Lots of British and Polish and South African immigrants - you'll be able to find likeminded people easily. This thread should give you some ideas.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X