Advice on Marriage and Relocation

semaphore said:
Rubbish, whoever told you that is talking absolute ****.
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Lol you know affirmative action is no longer limited to government contracts? My own brother is extremely senior but has been told that is as far as he will go.
 
rh1 said:
You cannot be the only one to compromise. A relationship has to be a give and take. It cannot just be one person compromising all the time.

When it was just my wife and I, I did compromise most of the time, since as a guy, I did not mind. When my daughter arrived, I realised that I needed to step up as a man and make decisions in the best interest of the family even if it meant vetoing my wife choices.

This is what I am alluding to. It feels like you putting your wife happiness over everything else, without considering the true costs and or unintended consequences of taking such a stance. You may end up bitter and angry or it may be the best thing ever.

There will always be what ifs when it comes to major decisions, being man is about accepting the consequences of decisions/actions.

Some posts above gave good insights.

If I was in your shoes, I would take my wife to USA for a holiday, and locate the polish commjnities beforehand. Those areas become part of the sight seeing phase of the trip. This will allow her to view USA as a potential relocation for the family.

I would also go on an extended trip to Poland, i.e. where would we stay and work, schools, entertainment? Can you see yourself 30+ plus years in that area etc.
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I hear you, moving to Poland is definitely more of a compromise for me than it is for her. Vice versa, USA is more of a compromise for her than it is for me.

Yeah, maybe I'm putting a premium on her happiness, you're not wrong. The problem is that, if I ignore this, it could lead to us divorcing and our child(ren) growing up in a broken home. I can't ignore it, I have to take it into account.

Maybe a question could be, if we do move to Poland, how will she compromise?

Tomtomtom said:
It's super cheap, so what you save goes towards your (even earlier) retirement.

Also, I might have a funny opinion on this, but I wonder if it's not a pro to come in knowing they might have to leave. Puts the fire under you to get them through a world-class / international school programme in SA (yet probably less than the cost of an average education in UK/PL) - and then they are qualified to emigrate *anywhere* vs possibly getting dragged into a more parochial situation in PL.
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School is definitely free in PL and I think it is free in the UK. The only problem with the UK is that the quality of the free schooling can be hit or miss, but the average is probably better than the average SA school. University is free in Poland to Polish citizens.

SA isn't that cheap. The income tax is high, even by European standards, and on top of that you need to pay for private health care, private security, private everything. Property and labour is cheap though, I agree.
 
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Does the war in Ukraine not affect your decision of moving to Poland
 
Ancalagon said:
Thanks, we planned on a fact finding trip to the USA next year, but now that I'm doubting whether the USA will work at all, I'm not sure it makes sense to go at all. Mostly because its frikken expensive!
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The USA is very diverse in terms of cost of living, quality of living etc so you'd need a few months to just experience a sampling. From personal and friends you'll find your expectation vs reality almost always differs.
Ancalagon said:
In terms of other European countries, my wife is not keen because she doesn't want our children (and us) to have to learn a third language. She says there is no point, we might as well stay in the UK. It's a pity because I think I'd love the climate in Portugal. Spain is lovely, always have a good time when I've gone there.
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Kids will pick up the language very easily but don't forget there are a ton of UK expats in Portugal, France and Spain (well everywhere really) with international english-curriculum schools all over the place and an amazing quality of living. Have a look at digital nomad/expat blogs which usually give very honest first hand experiences.
 
Let me chime in with my 1 cent ;)

The elephant in the room, your wife's unhappiness and refusal/ reluctance to get help with her childhood issues. Been there, done that and the relationship (thank God I was not married then) didn't work out.

I also suggested therapy which was agreed to but she never got around to doing it. When she temporarily forgot about her issues she was an amazing woman but more often than not she was miserable and it affected me.

My point is until she gets help you are in a little hell. I really hope it works out for you but she seriously needs to get that help for both your sakes and the kid's.

The rest would and could easily be agreed upon with less drama.
 
Dups! said:
Let me chime in with my 1 cent ;)

The elephant in the room, your wife's unhappiness and refusal/ reluctance to get help with her childhood issues. Been there, done that and the relationship (thank God I was not married then) didn't work out.

I also suggested therapy which was agreed to but she never got around to doing it. When she temporarily forgot about her issues she was an amazing woman but more often than not she was miserable and it affected me.

My point is until she gets help you are in a little hell. I really hope it works out for you but she seriously needs to get that help for both your sakes and the kid's.

The rest would and could easily be agreed upon with less drama.
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Yeah, it's a problem, and I don't have many options. She isn't miserable all the time, although since having our baby... well let's just say things have been challenging.

I see it as a major driver of the issues in our relationship, and it's difficult for me to solve. I don't want to divorce her - I do see a future with her. But yes, it's challenging and it complicates our future.

I went through a difficult childhood too, although not as difficult as hers. What helped me was moving closer to family in my twenties. I spent a LOT of time with family, and I think I grew a lot as a result of it. I think part of it is also just age - a lot of people learn to handle their issues better as they get older. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

So part of me is thinking that her being closer to family is the antidote that she doesn't know she needs for her mental health issues.

That being said, I might ask her to try therapy again, but ONLY after things have stabilised for her. I asked the other day and well... It wasn't good.
 
The USA is not nearly as wonderful as you think it is. I have experience mate, I won't set foot in there again, nor work remotely for any American company. I'd rather go live in Communist China than ever have anything to do with them again. The Netherlands, can be difficult but you learn to love the place like I did
 
Ancalagon said:
I don't have many options.
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