Am I right?

superB said:
I also know that, in light of what has transpired, she has offered to cut all ties with the support group in order to spend more time with you and to eradicate the possibility of any untoward behaviour arising from the social connections that the support group encourages.
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You're right : she has offered to give up the support group. But that's not good at all (for her) and I do know this. She says she's strong enough to cope without it - but she hasn't been strong enough in the past - so I know she can't do it now.

It boils down to if she goes, then she's happy and I'm unhappy. If she stops, then she's unhappy and possibly worse consequences for her. There's no middle ground.

Hosehead said:
Not uncommon for someone in a support group to be very close to others in that group- even if with the opposite sex -as they do have shared experiences which bond them very close on a friendship level outside of relationships with their partners- especially if the partners are not involved with their recovery process.
However, there is something- a danger zone in early recovery concerning friendships of the opposite sex- which is called 13th stepping,
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Spot on! Initially when she said she needed to go twice a week, I was all good with it and encouraged it.

I even went to two of these meetings to see what they're about. However, just over a month later I realised how close they are ... heard about the flirting ... was told she needed them to chat because they understand ... the late nights started happening etc. I also noticed that when I went to the meeting, people weren't really paying attention and chuckling at private jokes between each other and rather looked forward to the social aspect.

That's when things changed on my feelings for the gorup : it may start as a support group but soon afterwards it emerges it's a 'social club'.

What makes the 13th stepping even more real, is that she can point out people who have slept together, going out, got engaged or are married. Often people jump from a partner (in the group) to the next partner (in the group).

killadoob said:
Can i ask how you found out she was deleting messages because if you have some magic way of getting them back i would be very grateful for a pm :), o wait im assuming she told you about deleting them right?
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The received messages (unnamed) were still there - but the ones sent to that person were deleted. All other SMS's sent to anyone are saved so I assumed they had been purposely deleted. I did approach her and she said she had deleted them, as I'd flip if I saw the SMS's.

She has told me what the SMS's said, but since they're gone there are only 2 people that really know what was in them. What could the reply be to 'damn ... I was really hoping to ;)' be? Anything really! It could be totally innocent ... or not :/
 
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Dolby said:
...
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That's when things changed on my feelings for the gorup : it may start as a support group but soon afterwards it emerges it's a 'social club'.

What makes the 13th stepping even more real, is that she can point out people who have slept together, going out, got engaged or are married. Often people jump from a partner (in the group) to the next partner (in the group).


...
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Alright dammit!!!!!!

WTF group is this?????

I wanna join.

TALK!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!
 
Dolby said:
Can't realy say :/ Sorry ...

But it's started 3 months ago with a a gorup meeting twice a week for 1-2 hors after work - and escalated to helping with events, picnics, assisting with the newsletter and from 9pm till betweeen 22:20-00.00 ...



I snoop now - yes. I have to ... recently the only way of knowing what's going on in her life (for various reasons)
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Sounds to me like she is already having an affair.

its like watching a movie where the husband works later and later each night and bussiness trips become more frequent and then the wife finds out later he seeying the secretary.

I'd hire an investigator to follow her or do it myself, or atleast show up un anounced at one of the meetings, or sit outside and wait for her to come out (pretending to offer a lift home or something). just something to catch her by surprise to put my mind at ease.

If she is having an affair you cant trust anything she says, she already lied about the sms's.

Pitty we dont have a local cheaters crew in S.A. , they'd make a killing in this country ....
 
amaedict said:
Sounds to me like she is already having an affair.

its like watching a movie where the husband works later and later each night and bussiness trips become more frequent and then the wife finds out later he seeying the secretary.

I'd hire an investigator to follow her or do it myself, or atleast show up un anounced at one of the meetings, or sit outside and wait for her to come out (pretending to offer a lift home or something). just something to catch her by surprise to put my mind at ease.

If she is having an affair you cant trust anything she says, she already lied about the sms's.

Pitty we dont have a local cheaters crew in S.A. , they'd make a killing in this country ....
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I agree...

I can recommend a good P.I if you'd like.
 
The messed up thing about trust is that you spend so much time building it and the next person does something that will make you loose trust in them. And when that happens it's hard for people to go back to the way things were. Trust is something that you don't want to mess with.

Another thing about people loving each other is that we sometimes let other people treat us badly because we love them. you need to show her how to treat you, to show her what's acceptable and what's not.
 
You'll find for the most part these support groups are not founded as social groups nor are they permitted to become social groups by their Head Office. That's not their purpose. These groups usually have strictly observed rules and traditions for conducting meetings. If they are being run as social groups then that group should be reported to the Groups Head Office and action is taken.However - common to nearly all support groups, it is just before and after official group meetings that most socialising takes place- usually but not limited to coffeeshops-
New members, particularly attractive females are most vunerable to preying members of the opposite sex. Always has been that way. Even if the partner is in a strong relationship with a partner outside the group, the pressures can be immense. Your best bet would be to try and limit your partners time spent outside of the meeting times (let her only attend official meetings and get a timetable) because outside of that-(bar one or two meetings with her temporary same sex supervisor) that's the time she's supposed to be spending with you isn't it?
 
Hosehead said:
You'll find for the most part these support groups are not founded as social groups nor are they permitted to become social groups by their Head Office. That's not their purpose. These groups usually have strictly observed rules and traditions for conducting meetings. If they are being run as social groups then that group should be reported to the Groups Head Office and action is taken.However - common to nearly all support groups, it is just before and after official group meetings that most socialising takes place- usually but not limited to coffeeshops-
New members, particularly attractive females are most vunerable to preying members of the opposite sex. Always has been that way. Even if the partner is in a strong relationship with a partner outside the group, the pressures can be immense. Your best bet would be to try and limit your partners time spent outside of the meeting times (let her only attend official meetings and get a timetable) because outside of that-(bar one or two meetings with her temporary same sex supervisor) that's the time she's supposed to be spending with you isn't it?
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Yup - you sure do know alot about support groups and how they work ;)
 
Hosehead said:
You'll find for the most part these support groups are not founded as social groups nor are they permitted to become social groups by their Head Office. That's not their purpose. These groups usually have strictly observed rules and traditions for conducting meetings. If they are being run as social groups then that group should be reported to the Groups Head Office and action is taken.However - common to nearly all support groups, it is just before and after official group meetings that most socialising takes place- usually but not limited to coffeeshops-
New members, particularly attractive females are most vunerable to preying members of the opposite sex. Always has been that way. Even if the partner is in a strong relationship with a partner outside the group, the pressures can be immense. Your best bet would be to try and limit your partners time spent outside of the meeting times (let her only attend official meetings and get a timetable) because outside of that-(bar one or two meetings with her temporary same sex supervisor) that's the time she's supposed to be spending with you isn't it?
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Thing is (and you've mentioned before) that friendships will inevitably bloom within that environment. There is definitely a sense of community / belonging in those groups because of the lack of judgement and shared experience. I attend the same meetings and know how it feels to be drawn into this seemingly loving group of people who only seem to have your best interest at heart. I don't see that one can attend these meetings without forming some form of social connection and I'm pretty certain that is why the GF in question has chosen to cut ties altogether in an attempt to prioritise her BF.
 
superB said:
Thing is (and you've mentioned before)... I'm pretty certain that is why the GF in question has chosen to cut ties altogether in an attempt to prioritise her BF.
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It doesn't sound to me like thats what she wanted to do though.

Okay I don't personally know Dolby or his girlfriend but from what I could gather of her behaviour through his and even your earlier description she sounds like she was just trying to manipulate him by playing on his feelings with her threat to leave the group and blame him for the potential affect it would have on her.

Now I dunno about other people but me and my girlfriend don't go snooping through each others phones(although we don't really use only our own phones, we just use which ever phone is closest when at home) the idea of her doing it doesn't make me want to run to my inbox(or sent box) and do some cleanup. The same is true with her.

The mere fact that this girl is spending less and less time with Dolby, had a flirty incident with some guy at this group and then suddenly starts sms in secret and DELETING the evidence is a reason for concern. Imho she is already cheating. She's just trying to figure out if the new guy is really a better replacement. She's hedging her bets at the moment.
 
Seems most of you were correct ; she does have some type of connection with this guy. When she didn't know anyone was at home, my brother overheard a conversation between them. We broke up last night but here's my question :

She wants us to try again. Why do women do this? Why not take the opportunity and go to the other guy? She's free now - and she hasn't shown me any careing recenly ... but she wants me back :/

Women are odd
 
Dolby said:
She wants us to try again. Why do women do this? Why not take the opportunity and go to the other guy? She's free now - and she hasn't shown me any careing recenly ... but she wants me back :/

Women are odd
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Don't take her back.
 
Don't do it! Your trust has been broken and putting that, along with everything else that's happened on your back makes it really difficult to "try again". Besides, in the other thread you mentioned some things she called you and said that would've driven me away immediately! Move on with your life and find the right person for yourself.
 
Oh that was her mom ;)

Her mother HATES me ...
 
Dolby said:
Seems most of you were correct ; she does have some type of connection with this guy. When she didn't know anyone was at home, my brother overheard a conversation between them. We broke up last night but here's my question :

She wants us to try again. Why do women do this? Why not take the opportunity and go to the other guy? She's free now - and she hasn't shown me any careing recenly ... but she wants me back :/

Women are odd
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Sorry to hear Dolby....but maybe take this opportunity to move onto a more "normal" relationship with someone who has less issues. I know it sounds cruel but ultimately you need to look at your own happiness...people are suckers for punishment and have a tendency to go back into these kinds of relationships.....rather suffer a bit now and stick it out and look for someone that YOU connect with like your ex did.
 
Dolby said:
Seems most of you were correct ; she does have some type of connection with this guy. When she didn't know anyone was at home, my brother overheard a conversation between them. We broke up last night but here's my question :

She wants us to try again. Why do women do this? Why not take the opportunity and go to the other guy? She's free now - and she hasn't shown me any careing recenly ... but she wants me back :/

Women are odd
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Like I said, she's hedging her bets. She wants to keep you around in case this new "pet" is not all he seems to be. She can then keep you until a better option comes round.
 
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Relationships suck. You've got to do what is right for you Dolby.
 
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