Asking the parents...

[jacodebeer]

To those saying 25 is too young and 2 years is too short: It's different for everybody.

I got married at 22. I met Jan at 19 and we knew within a few weeks that we were going to get married. However we were both students, so it made no sense to get hitched right away.

Less than 3 months after meeting me, Jan took my dad out to coffee and instead of asking permission to marry me, instead asked for permission to date me with the intent of marrying me. My dad was chuffed to bits at being asked permission to go out with me and impressed with Jan for clearly stating his intentions. I lived in my fathers' house and I didn't need his approval, but it was a courtesy and act of respect that Jan showed him which goes a long way to establishing their relationship too. After all, when you marry you become a part of the other person's family.

When our circumstances had changed to ones more suitable to being married, Jan did not have to ask permission to marry me. We could just inform the family that we were engaged and had officially begun making preparations for the wedding.

These days, people date one another to get to know one another. I believe dating should be with serious intent to pursue a long-term relationship, and should only happen once you've already gotten to know the other person informally. Jan and I spent 2.5months getting to know each other before we started dating.

My dad loves Jan to bits and will always regard him as a son, not just "that dude who married his daughter".

In other news, it wouldn't hurt if your GF were to ask your mother/father/parents if they're okay with her marrying you either. My mother-in-law was also all smiles when I dropped into casual conversation "Would you mind if I married him?" and informed me that she had adopted me as her daughter before we even officially started dating.

Family is important. You'd be surprised at how much insight parents can offer regarding your readiness to be married. You're not asking for permission, you're actually asking "Do you think I'm ready to marry your child?". You need to want to hear the answer though.

We have been married for over 5 years now and life is great.

Awesome advice, thank you!! I kind of makes me think if she will also ask my parents, maybe I should throw it casually at her in a conversation...

 

[Carol35]

no man, not a douche at all, you see, a lot of my friends, already have kids and is married, I for one would like to have that and the privileges that comes with it... nudge nudge wink wink...! but mainly its because I love my GF very much

Lol@nudge nudge..thanks for not being offended, I really didn't want to derail your thread.

However, yes, there may be privileges that comes with being married but in reality, with marriage/kids comes huge responsibility, true commitment and hard work. You and your friends are still young, it's not to say that in 10 years time when they are all in their late 30's, your friends will still be married to the same people they are now!

Anyway, you could still happily get engaged, live together and have the same privileges
Good luck with the parents thou..you have some great advice here!

 

[AfricanTech]

you are right, I do feel a bit uncertain, but only regarding our age, my mother asked me when we first started dating that is this the girl I would like to marry and my first answer was definitely a yes!

Hey man - really best of luck.

If you've found the right person, life-long commitment is amazing.

First rule for me was "are we friends" - i.e. outside of love, romance, passion, do we enjoy being in each other's company, just talking, discussing, debating - like friends do.

That will sustain you through the inevitable tough times - you will disagree, you will sleep on the couch at least once - that's normal.

Wishing you a long and happy relationship.

 

[Lordpiet]

Without a doubt, ask her father. I didn't do it and it caused havoc. I didn't realize we still lived in times where you have to ask for permission to marry someone but it seemed i was wrong and i had to go and apologize for my lack of respect.

Wasn't fun, way worse than asking upfront i think.

one good thing I learned is that you never ask you just apologize. . .

 

[Lordpiet]

Ask her first because it will be kuk if you ask them first and she says "Nee, jammer Jaco"

For some reason I think this has happened to you

 

[TJ99]

Very strange idea, asking the parents.

If she were a kid, sure...

Wait, what?

This. I thought we were well past the stage where women were considered property. I thought they were humans who could make their own decisions. Silly me.

 

[F1 Fan]

I din't ask her parents, seemed like I should have though. It just confused me, because they knew about us and so I figured a proposal would be expected eventually?

But, I suppose you could ask the paretns first.....spoils the surprise with the gf though....unless you can do it without her knowing?

 

[ShaunSA]

Ask the parents? In this day and age? Surely that should be inform the parents? And both sets at that.

 

[RazedInBlack]

Hi guys,
So I have this girlfriend that I really like and love, we are both 25 years of age and we have been dating for 2 years about, and I have been saving up to buy a ring to ask her to marry me, but I think that I should ask her parents first right! what must I do? I'm a shy guy and stumble very easily over my words when I'm nervous. Anyone who has done it or who is a parent that was on the recieving end that has got a few pointers for me?

Smoke a zol first. That should ease you into it.

 

[Rocket-Boy]

If you arent sure that she will say yes then you should be reconsidering the whole thing.
When you are sure then ask her parents, its the right thing to do. You lose nothing by doing it but you could lose a bunch of respect from them by not asking.
Sure we live in modern times but most parents still have older ideas about those things so dont risk it.
I was living in the opposite side of SA when I wanted to propose so I had to ask them over the phone. Trust me it isnt any easier doing it that way, I stuttered and stammered like a moron and eventually her dad just laughed at me and said it was cool.

 

[Cicero]

I was so nervous, pacing around until I just thought **** it, and asked.
It was so chilled and awesome, and it was such a worthwhile relief. Straight afterwards I left their house, whilst driving to my next appointment I must've gone into shock or something because I almost crashed my car. Had to pull over because I went all dizzy and threw up.

 

[Rocket-Boy]

I was so nervous, pacing around until I just thought **** it, and asked.
It was so chilled and awesome, and it was such a worthwhile relief. Straight afterwards I left their house, whilst driving to my next appointment I must've gone into shock or something because I almost crashed my car. Had to pull over because I went all dizzy and threw up.

Hahaha!
I felt a bit sick afterwards too, way too much stress. Still im really glad I did it.

 

[RazedInBlack]

Hahaha!
I felt a bit sick afterwards too, way too much stress. Still im really glad I did it.

I was so nervous, pacing around until I just thought **** it, and asked.
It was so chilled and awesome, and it was such a worthwhile relief. Straight afterwards I left their house, whilst driving to my next appointment I must've gone into shock or something because I almost crashed my car. Had to pull over because I went all dizzy and threw up.

I don't get it! Why would this whole situation make you sick? Marriage is a death sentence yes I understand that. Maybe its that?

 

[Cicero]

I don't get it! Why would this whole situation make you sick? Marriage is a death sentence yes I understand that. Maybe its that?

Lol, its not logical no, but it is nerve wracking. You get yourself so pshyced out.

 

[noxibox]

I'd consider it a bit of an insult if someone were to ask my permission. Like an adult woman can't make her own decisions.

"Sir, I would love to marry your lovely daughter. Could we have your blessing?"

Don't you still have to pay for her? I don't know if prices are negotiable or there's a standard price.

What happens if she's like 40 and it's her second marriage, do you still ask the parents?

I think ownership reverts to the father/brothers after divorce, although it's possible she's still the property of her ex-husband's family (since he presumably paid a fair price for her).

 

[TheGuy]

Good luck OP. I'm 29 and not even close to ready.

 

[giovannidc]

Cool. Out of interest, if he had said no would you still marry her?

Probably would of asked him why and try be civil to resolve any misunderstanding or conflict. If that didn't work and he was just being an ass, then he is the only one who is coming of second best. My fiance and I would get married anyway, and he would of put unnecessary strain on the relationship between his daughter and himself.

 

[GreGorGy]

I agree with mike - I've never asked (shoulda the last time - but to get the warnings instead of blessings).

Very old-fashioned as far as I am concerned. BUT, and this is the thing, many south africans (Dare I say most?) probably still live in old-fashioned, traditional value systems. And considering this, I'd go with the biltong peace maker suggestion above.

Be cool and good luck.

 

[luxe]

Not old fashioned at all, I asked my wife's father out of respect for him.

He raised her and even though I wasn't asking permission, I was saying " Thanks for doing such a good job, I'd really like to marry to your daughter"

Do the right thing and talk to her dad, there is no downside to being respectful / courteous.

 

[syntax]

I didnt ask per say, I did invite the dad for a beer and told him I was going to marry his daughter.
Showed him the ring and all that.

I didnt ask permission, because i would have done it no matter what. Instead, I just let him know first. Which he appreciated and i felt was good enough