Depression.

AnimateX said:
Don't have much to add at the moment, other than this song. So many things I miss and regret too, life doesn't prepare you for the loneliness when you get older and people pass on and relationships wane.

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She has a beautiful voice.
 
TribbleZA said:
And how are you feeling with that routine?
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Allows me to cope, work is a mission.
Weightlifting gives me a Dopamine/Endorphin kick so makes me feel less for a few minutes between sets but have to be careful not to overdo it.
Also been sick since last week, starting to suspect it is covid, gets worse, gets better, almost 100% then gets worse again.
Not been sick since 2022.
Couple months ago I would have maybe 2 pills total in a year, now it's 8 a day, surreal.
I do not drink, I vape and drink coffee, want to quit the vaping but yea.
 
AstroTurf said:
Allows me to cope, work is a mission.
Weightlifting gives me a Dopamine/Endorphin kick so makes me feel less for a few minutes between sets but have to be careful not to overdo it.
Also been sick since last week, starting to suspect it is covid, gets worse, gets better, almost 100% then gets worse again.
Not been sick since 2022.
Couple months ago I would have maybe 2 pills total in a year, now it's 8 a day, surreal.
I do not drink, I vape and drink coffee, want to quit the vaping but yea.
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I am glad you have found something that works. I find that going to the gym is good for your mood/outlook. And the harder you work, the less you think. And having sore muscles is a good distraction too. Work is hectic and I have not gone to the gym in a month. I need to make a plan - perhaps push the work to later in the night.

Don't be in a hurry to clean up the things that help you. Vaping is bad but then so is depression.
Go and get a blood clot test, please. Those things build without you even knowing. D-dimer Test
 
TribbleZA said:
I am glad you have found something that works. I find that going to the gym is good for your mood/outlook. And the harder you work, the less you think. And having sore muscles is a good distraction too. Work is hectic and I have not gone to the gym in a month. I need to make a plan - perhaps push the work to later in the night.

Don't be in a hurry to clean up the things that help you. Vaping is bad but then so is depression.
Go and get a blood clot test, please. Those things build without you even knowing. D-dimer Test
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Yea, had full bloodwork done last week Monday and got the results from my psychiatrist on Tuesday.
Liver, kidneys, blood sugar etcetc all good but do have slightly high cholesterol, she put me on cholesterol pills and I put myself onto a muesli/oats/nuts/chia seeds breakfast.
Till now I was eating once a day for the last 4 or 5 years (supper only).
 
AstroTurf said:
Yea, had full bloodwork done last week Monday and got the results from my psychiatrist on Tuesday.
Liver, kidneys, blood sugar etcetc all good but do have slightly high cholesterol, she put me on cholesterol pills and I put myself onto a muesli/oats/nuts/chia seeds breakfast.
Till now I was eating once a day for the last 4 or 5 years (supper only).
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That would also make your depression worse. We gain good things from food that boosts our moods. Do try and eat regularly (when you are hungry). That is an excellent breakfast. I add yoghurt too. And spoil yourself a little - have tasty foods. Add spices etc. When all you do is work, it is easy to get into a mental and emotional rut. Pamper yourself. Do things you enjoy. I find that sitting outside to drink my coffee makes the day a little brighter.
 
So this week I lifted some weights for the first time in about a year and it seems to have a positive influence on my mood. Also been getting more sleep lately (with the help of medication) and that's made me feel less anxious. It's not always easy to make changes because you get stuck in that negative mindset and don't know whether it's even possible to improve your life, but it has made a difference that I didn't notice it at first.
 
OnlyOneKenobi said:
Sometimes I worry that if I didn’t have hobbies or exercise, I’d already be gone. Even now, it feels like I’m throwing everything I have at it and I’m still sinking, just barely keeping my head above water.
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Can I ask, is it a lack of connection or circumstantial life things in the present or the past that's haunting you?
 
AnimateX said:
Can I ask, is it a lack of connection or circumstantial life things in the present or the past that's haunting you?
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It's both. The past... family issues and bullying fed into social anxiety, and that’s shaped so much of my life. I’ve lost friendships along the way, for all sorts of reasons from addiction and substance abuse to people just drifting. Death in the family, family absenteeism... All of that adds to feelings of inadequacy and never really finding recognition in work, or friendship and affection in relationships, or anywhere else. Even in marriage there are cracks. And the present just keeps pressing on those same wounds, so it often feels like I’m carrying everything, past and present, all at once. I also struggle with pretty intense emotions to the point where it's all or nothing with no middle ground, and sometimes I only see things in black-and-white terms, which makes it even harder to find balance.
 
OnlyOneKenobi said:
It's both. The past... family issues and bullying fed into social anxiety, and that’s shaped so much of my life. I’ve lost friendships along the way, for all sorts of reasons from addiction and substance abuse to people just drifting. Death in the family, family absenteeism... All of that adds to feelings of inadequacy and never really finding recognition in work, or friendship and affection in relationships, or anywhere else. Even in marriage there are cracks. And the present just keeps pressing on those same wounds, so it often feels like I’m carrying everything, past and present, all at once. I also struggle with pretty intense emotions to the point where it's all or nothing with no middle ground, and sometimes I only see things in black-and-white terms, which makes it even harder to find balance.
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I gave a up a chronic weed dependency in 2022, and while it's certainly made me more present, it didn't help with the issues I'm still experiencing today. Substance abuse is a symptom, not a cause. Have lots of family issues and am currently providing support for a schizophrenic and dementia afflicted mother. I get your feelings of inadequacy, I keep re-running my my life in my mind and having grandiose fantasies of how I could have done so much better and been the saviour.. but struggling hard with the fact that I have to accept that I'm human and that many things are/were out of my control. It's peace we are after most isn't it, that's what I am yearning for.
 
AnimateX said:
I gave a up a chronic weed dependency in 2022, and while it's certainly made me more present, it didn't help with the issues I'm still experiencing today. Substance abuse is a symptom, not a cause. Have lots of family issues and am currently providing support for a schizophrenic and dementia afflicted mother. I get your feelings of inadequacy, I keep re-running my my life in my mind and having grandiose fantasies of how I could have done so much better and been the saviour.. but struggling hard with the fact that I have to accept that I'm human and that many things are/were out of my control. It's peace we are after most isn't it, that's what I am yearning for.
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The substance abuse wasn’t on my side. Tried to support and care for someone, seemingly failed, and not for lack of trying many times over the years. Guess those were some of many failures which also factor in to the sense of hopelessness that sometimes consumes me.
 
OnlyOneKenobi said:
The substance abuse wasn’t on my side. Tried to support and care for someone, seemingly failed, and not for lack of trying many times over the years. Guess those were some of many failures which also factor in to the sense of hopelessness that sometimes consumes me.
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Oh ok, had it wrong then. Apologies. You've probably heard this too many times and it's not always true but those who don't want to be helped cannot be helped. I had to dig deep to change my own ways.

Guilt will consume you, have to ask yourself what was your responsibility vs what was the other persons responsibility in the situation, we often burden ourselves with unnecessary feelings of responsibility.
 
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OnlyOneKenobi said:
Sometimes I worry that if I didn’t have hobbies or exercise, I’d already be gone. Even now, it feels like I’m throwing everything I have at it and I’m still sinking, just barely keeping my head above water.
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I am sorry you are back here. But this often happens when we start making progress. I think it is a panic response because we don't know how to feel ok. And even though we want it, the idea is foreign and scary.
 
TribbleZA said:
I am sorry you are back here. But this often happens when we start making progress. I think it is a panic response because we don't know how to feel ok. And even though we want it, the idea is foreign and scary.
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Sometimes we just give too much control over our lives to others.
 
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