Depression.

Grant said:
those "firsts" are difficult - a void is left behind.

a b/f of mine was killed in a motor vehicle accident some yrs back - suddenly the absence brings a different meaning to certain dates or events.
by coincidence, his funeral was held on the date of my birthday - ever since then i've ignored my birthdays - letting them slip by quietly.

my mother died christmas eve (today) a few years back.
i was on my way back to her place to get her things for her hospital stay (was an emergency admission).
just after uber arrived and we left, i got a call to return to the hospital "as she had taken a turn for the worse".
i get back and am told she had died - i'm led to the resuscitation room, and there is her dead body.
i returned to the hospital at 9pm to meet the undertakers.
the next morning - christmas day - i had to go off to the undertakers to sign docs & make arrangements.
i've never been big on christmas - but now its always a flashback to that resuscitation room & undertakers.

so for me, birthdays and christmas are days i would rather somehow skip.

interestingly many ppl having gone thru similar, prefer to be in company on those dreaded days.
for me - leave me alone to my own devices - i'm much happier that way.
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That resonates deeply. Those “firsts”, and the dates that follow, really do change shape once loss is intertwined into them. I’m sorry you carry those memories, especially when birthdays and Christmas now come with such heavy associations. It makes sense that you’ve learned what you need on those days, even if that’s being left to your own devices. Thank you for sharing it so honestly. It matters, and it’s understood.
 
Had a comprehensive chat with my GP today and settled for some anti-depressant medication. I've been taking the occasional benzos to help with anxiety but It's been 6 years since I've been on anything long-term. I had to finally concede that my life has reached a point where I need assistance and I don't think there is anything shameful in that.
 
AnimateX said:
Had a comprehensive chat with my GP today and settled for some anti-depressant medication. I've been taking the occasional benzos to help with anxiety but It's been 6 years since I've been on anything long-term. I had to finally concede that my life has reached a point where I need assistance and I don't think there is anything shameful in that.
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There definitely isn't anything shameful in it
Keep trying till you find the right one though
 
Binary_Bark said:
Today does not seem to be a good day. Been having the monster in the back of my head the entire week, saying, "end yourself." Now it's why bother with anything at all? Go to bed and do not wake up.
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Those dark times will pass eventually. I find it helps to work out what triggers it. Make notes about what has been going on in your life and perhaps you can see over time what brings it on.
It could very well be the change in season. I believe that affects many people.

We are all here - post if you find things getting really dark. Sometimes it helps to see it written down
 
You okes here "know me" & I am happy go lucky chap but this job market is brutal.

Not going to go into specifics, I may make a dedicated thread in time.

Getting a healthy amount of interviews (yay) but the market is flooded (noo)! Wont delve into my list of Dear John emails, the fact I get some feedback is good as well! lol

I know people in the US & UK & it is no joke there as well, this is not an SA-localized issue!

I also know a healthy amount of people that were laid off & "moved on" to roles with 15%, 20% paycuts...WTF 😥

I'm telling you it's brutal, at this stage of the game I am an expert job hunter, I am familiar with all the hacks, tricks & ATS-friendly tips.

Well curated CV, LinkedIn profile & a GitHub portfolio.

I interview well, I've been told that a few times but there are so so so many candidates for a single role!

Depending on the industry there are plenty of jobs (no BS) but market is flooded af.

Thank fark my severance bucks was solid & I'm a frugal farker.

I get into "depressive" states but I pick myself up & back on the horse but it is not easy.

When it gets a lot I go do a 5K (not code) & it helps greatly.

Anyhow 2 interviews lined up for the new week, we see. :)
 
Binary_Bark said:
Today does not seem to be a good day. Been having the monster in the back of my head the entire week, saying, "end yourself." Now it's why bother with anything at all? Go to bed and do not wake up.
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Fsck that shiitt bru. Get that kak out of your head.

I know where you coming from as I have been there. Many times.
There is always something to live for, to keep on trying, to keep on keeping on.

Everyone's situation is different. But at the end of the day, you just need to throw your legs out of the bed each morning and tell yourself that this is a new day, let's face it, come what may.

My father decided, "Why bother with it all? Just end the pain and suffering." And that is what he did in Jul 2024. He ended his battle with depression with a small-caliber Beretta. And I was the one who found him.

A picture that is burnt into the back of my eyelids.

My father's side of the family is cursed with depression. I myself also fight daily battles.

If at all possible, get meds if you have not already. Or get your meds right that work for you. It is a hard and difficult process, but you have to do it.

It is an illness. Fsck what anyone else says. And it can be treated.

I believe that my father died of a broken heart. He just could not live without my mother, who passed away suddenly in 2022.
He fought a mountain for 2 years and decided to end it all. Leaving my boys and me behind. They are now aged 6 and 9. And there will come a day when I will have to explain to them why Oupa passed away. And tell them the truth. When they are old enough to understand.

I have aged like a mofo the last 4 years. Since my mother passed, and then my father. The 2 years after my mother, I was on permanent damage control mode and tried everything to get my father better. Everything. It fscking sucked the life and years out of me.

You have to keep on going.

Stay strong.
 
FiestaST said:
You okes here "know me" & I am happy go lucky chap but this job market is brutal.

Not going to go into specifics, I may make a dedicated thread in time.

Getting a healthy amount of interviews (yay) but the market is flooded (noo)! Wont delve into my list of Dear John emails, the fact I get some feedback is good as well! lol

I know people in the US & UK & it is no joke there as well, this is not an SA-localized issue!

I also know a healthy amount of people that were laid off & "moved on" to roles with 15%, 20% paycuts...WTF 😥

I'm telling you it's brutal, at this stage of the game I am an expert job hunter, I am familiar with all the hacks, tricks & ATS-friendly tips.

Well curated CV, LinkedIn profile & a GitHub portfolio.

I interview well, I've been told that a few times but there are so so so many candidates for a single role!

Depending on the industry there are plenty of jobs (no BS) but market is flooded af.

Thank fark my severance bucks was solid & I'm a frugal farker.

I get into "depressive" states but I pick myself up & back on the horse but it is not easy.

When it gets a lot I go do a 5K (not code) & it helps greatly.

Anyhow 2 interviews lined up for the new week, we see. :)
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Public Holiday 5K done & dusted 👌

Feel grounded & centered for my 2 (real human) interviews on Tuesday & Thursday 😎

IMG_1772.jpeg

IMG_1773.jpeg
 
Anyone here with an avoidant personality type that can help us navigate how it feels to us when an avoidant chooses to withdraw?
 
TribbleZA said:
Anyone here with an avoidant personality type that can help us navigate how it feels to us when an avoidant chooses to withdraw?
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Not sure which aspect of avoidance you're referring to specifically, but I used to have pretty bad social anxiety in certain situations. And in those moments it's a physical sensation more than anything - and the mind reads that sensation as GTFO because I'm shutting down.

I went to an improv class once and when the attention of the whole group was on me I literally couldn't remember what the person before me said. Fortunately I mostly kept going in the direction of pushing through the discomfort, but I can imagine easily going the other way as well - of withdrawing to prevent the physical discomfort that arises from those situations.
 
saor said:
Not sure which aspect of avoidance you're referring to specifically, but I used to have pretty bad social anxiety in certain situations. And in those moments it's a physical sensation more than anything - and the mind reads that sensation as GTFO because I'm shutting down.

I went to an improv class once and when the attention of the whole group was on me I literally couldn't remember what the person before me said. Fortunately I mostly kept going in the direction of pushing through the discomfort, but I can imagine easily going the other way as well - of withdrawing to prevent the physical discomfort that arises from those situations.
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Thanks. Did not know it manifests physically - that does make sense though
 
@FiestaST

Do keep it up sir, you are doing your body and mental health a great service.

I had a stroke a few months ago. Luckily only a TIA which means the clot passed and did not do long term damage. However when I went for the head and neck CT scan they discovered I had chronic micro-vascular disease affecting my brain and extremities. I always attributed my cognitive decline to getting older but noticed things getting a lot worse the past few years.

I've struggled with depression for a long time but these past few months have been especially hard. I had to quit alcohol, reduce my nicotine intake and completely overhaul my diet. I don't always get the chance to take walks during the week but I've been forcing myself to take a 5.6km round trip to a neighbouring Spar every weekend and it's been helping. Not easy because of pain in my limbs if I haven't walked for a while but afterwards it's quite a relief and clears my head.
 
AnimateX said:
@FiestaST

Do keep it up sir, you are doing your body and mental health a great service.

I had a stroke a few months ago. Luckily only a TIA which means the clot passed and did not do long term damage. However when I went for the head and neck CT scan they discovered I had chronic micro-vascular disease affecting my brain and extremities. I always attributed my cognitive decline to getting older but noticed things getting a lot worse the past few years.

I've struggled with depression for a long time but these past few months have been especially hard. I had to quit alcohol, reduce my nicotine intake and completely overhaul my diet. I don't always get the chance to take walks during the week but I've been forcing myself to take a 5.6km round trip to a neighbouring Spar every weekend and it's been helping. Not easy because of pain in my limbs if I haven't walked for a while but afterwards it's quite a relief and clears my head.
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Thanks for the share & good words.

Looks I've waxed lyrical in the Official Apple Watch Thread that getting one in Q4 '25 was prob the best thing I did for my health, I kid you not.

My previous Huawei "smartwatch" did not have the same level functionality & goal setting ito movement, healthiness & wellbeing etc.

It's of the few Apple products that I have use 80%-90% of it's abilities. The concept of going for a walk/run/jog to just clear the mind does wonders. The body needs movement.

With the Apple Watch you just want to close those rings, get that "very good" sleep score etc.

I do my best thinking while I go for a run, planning, approach esp with current my job hunting situation.
 
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