Depression.

Jan van Riebeeckstad said:
You're gay?
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iu
 
W@P said:
I have had some major ups and downs over the last 2 months. Major.

Every year when winter starts showing itself, I see this mountain coming up in the distance that I know I have to climb.
The effects of winter just amplify my emotions and put a damper on my mental health in a big way. The 2-year mark of my father's suicide is also coming up in a month. And for me, it's a biggie.

I have come to the conclusion that I am lonely AF!

Since getting divorced, I have relied on my mother and father's presence and the relationship that I had with them a lot more than I actually knew. With both of them passing away within 2 years and having the rug pulled out from under me, I realised how much they actually meant in my life.

Yes, I have my 2 amazing boys. I get along excellently with their mother. I have a couple of friends who understand me when I only pop by for 1 drink or very short visits every now and again, and they never question me or lose thier shiit about it. Or when I am very bad company, they know I am having a bad day/week/month.

But I am so lonely. After my first marriage, I said to myself, no way in hell I am doing that again. Still not sure I would.
The problem is. In my head, I am sick and a bit broken. And I can not engage or get involved with someone when I know I am not well.

I have accepted that I have commitment issues. I am too afraid of letting anyone get too close to me and developing feelings for someone, just because I might lose them in the future. Having lost so much in my life.

I am truly blessed and privileged in other aspects of life. For which I am very thankful and grateful.

Time waits for no one.
Tomorrow is a new day, with new obstacles or none at all. Take it as it comes.
I have a close friend who pops by twice or so a week, and on weekends we do the outdoorsy stuff.
Fishing, hunting, going to the gun range, shooting clays and birds with the shotguns, etc., and he told me the other day that there is not one week that goes by that I don't have another blunder/fsckup to sort out in my life. And we just laughed our arses off.

Having inherited so many properties and the family trust of which I am now the chieftain. There are just so many hurdles and issues popping up in my life. But I take it as it comes and am sure I will find my rhythm once everything settles down.

There is always something to live for. Always.


Just blowing some steam off here.
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We do get really lonely as people leave us. I am so glad you have your boys and friends that understand you. Keep them close and be there for them as they are for you. We never know what people are going through, and they might need you as much as you need them.

I can understand not wanting to commit to someone - it is a huge change to the life you are now getting used to and there is always that future pain in the background. We should take a page out of Grant's book and get FWBs. Multiple, so that you don't get too close to any one. I do admire your positive outlook, it will help you get through this. And even another sunrise, or moorise, is worth being here for. It is the small things that make life worth living.
 
In My Opinion… since there is nothing else to measure experience in this world.

I see it all as a test of will. That’s why I love “The Feather of Ma’at”. No point doing everything on cruise control.

Genuinely no idea what happens here after. All that I know is that it takes effort to get up every day.

I hope to go down with a middle finger raised.
 
W@P said:
I have had some major ups and downs over the last 2 months. Major.

Every year when winter starts showing itself, I see this mountain coming up in the distance that I know I have to climb.
The effects of winter just amplify my emotions and put a damper on my mental health in a big way. The 2-year mark of my father's suicide is also coming up in a month. And for me, it's a biggie.

I have come to the conclusion that I am lonely AF!

Since getting divorced, I have relied on my mother and father's presence and the relationship that I had with them a lot more than I actually knew. With both of them passing away within 2 years and having the rug pulled out from under me, I realised how much they actually meant in my life.

Yes, I have my 2 amazing boys. I get along excellently with their mother. I have a couple of friends who understand me when I only pop by for 1 drink or very short visits every now and again, and they never question me or lose thier shiit about it. Or when I am very bad company, they know I am having a bad day/week/month.

But I am so lonely. After my first marriage, I said to myself, no way in hell I am doing that again. Still not sure I would.
The problem is. In my head, I am sick and a bit broken. And I can not engage or get involved with someone when I know I am not well.

I have accepted that I have commitment issues. I am too afraid of letting anyone get too close to me and developing feelings for someone, just because I might lose them in the future. Having lost so much in my life.

I am truly blessed and privileged in other aspects of life. For which I am very thankful and grateful.

Time waits for no one.
Tomorrow is a new day, with new obstacles or none at all. Take it as it comes.
I have a close friend who pops by twice or so a week, and on weekends we do the outdoorsy stuff.
Fishing, hunting, going to the gun range, shooting clays and birds with the shotguns, etc., and he told me the other day that there is not one week that goes by that I don't have another blunder/fsckup to sort out in my life. And we just laughed our arses off.

Having inherited so many properties and the family trust of which I am now the chieftain. There are just so many hurdles and issues popping up in my life. But I take it as it comes and am sure I will find my rhythm once everything settles down.

There is always something to live for. Always.


Just blowing some steam off here.
Click to expand...
"The problem is. In my head, I am sick and a bit broken. And I can not engage or get involved with someone when I know I am not well."

There's two kind of men in this world, those who are a bit broken, and liars.

Everyone has a problem of some kind. Everyone. I'm not saying it to downplay your issues, i'm saying it so you understand you're not alone in this. The fact that you're pushing through is also admirable.
 
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