Divorce Issues

[Saltex]

Hi Guys, So my father sends me a message last night and it sounds like my parents are on the verge of maybe getting a divorce, now my dad isn't really internet savy and i'm no longer in the country to give some kind of help. Obviously I will be siding my dad on this as my mom really has problems with her moods and burst out over the smallest things, she has been in and out of jobs for the past 20 years, literally not keeping jobs for longer than a year, so she pretty much has nothing towards her name, no pentions etc.

Now my father on the other hand has been working at the same company for 35 years, accumulating himself a good pension and other benefits and is wanting to retire anytime now. His really always supported the family well and has always had to live with that stress of never knowing when my mom was just gonna pack up and leave her job as this happened all time, made a miserable childhood for me.

This was all started just because he couldn't pick her up from a bus that had broken down and she had to wait for another one because he had to work,so he couldn't really see the big deal in her just having to wait for the next bus to arrive, and this just set her off. I do seriously think that she has some kind of mood disorder, she has an attitude problem where it has just gotten to a point for me that I have just lost all respect for her.

Now they are married in community of property, so I know that there is usually no way around this whole "things get split between eachother" , but I just feel really angry at the moment because I know how hard my dad has worked to get to where he has, and to just watch my mom take half of everything, for making hardly any contributions in the married time is making me really angry about this, and am really feeling sorry for my dad about this.

So now I am not all clued up on divorces etc. which is why I am here, so can anyone give me some sort of advice that I could pass on to my dad, maybe lawyers he could go to, legal advice, just anything I guess? Or is it just pointless and he just has to accept that he will have to give half everything.

Thanks in advance.

 

[boxerulez]

I cant give advice but ****. Sorry guy. Sounds hectic...

 

[Arthur]

First try to help them save their relationship. Counselling. Marfam. Retrouvaille. Even living apart for a while. Working through things is one of the hardest things they'll ever do - and one of the most rewarding. Love is worth it. Sorry for the pain for everyone involved.

 

[Xena1]

Hi Guys, So my father sends me a message last night and it sounds like my parents are on the verge of maybe getting a divorce, now my dad isn't really internet savy and i'm no longer in the country to give some kind of help. Obviously I will be siding my dad on this as my mom really has problems with her moods and burst out over the smallest things, she has been in and out of jobs for the past 20 years, literally not keeping jobs for longer than a year, so she pretty much has nothing towards her name, no pentions etc.

Now my father on the other hand has been working at the same company for 35 years, accumulating himself a good pension and other benefits and is wanting to retire anytime now. His really always supported the family well and has always had to live with that stress of never knowing when my mom was just gonna pack up and leave her job as this happened all time, made a miserable childhood for me.

This was all started just because he couldn't pick her up from a bus that had broken down and she had to wait for another one because he had to work,so he couldn't really see the big deal in her just having to wait for the next bus to arrive, and this just set her off. I do seriously think that she has some kind of mood disorder, she has an attitude problem where it has just gotten to a point for me that I have just lost all respect for her.

Now they are married in community of property, so I know that there is usually no way around this whole "things get split between eachother" , but I just feel really angry at the moment because I know how hard my dad has worked to get to where he has, and to just watch my mom take half of everything, for making hardly any contributions in the married time is making me really angry about this, and am really feeling sorry for my dad about this.

So now I am not all clued up on divorces etc. which is why I am here, so can anyone give me some sort of advice that I could pass on to my dad, maybe lawyers he could go to, legal advice, just anything I guess? Or is it just pointless and he just has to accept that he will have to give half everything.

Thanks in advance.

Hey Saltex

So sorry to hear this. It would have been a good thing if they could just sort out the problem after having been married for so many years. It seems as if your mother is acting very irrational. Are you sure she is not just threatening your dad with divorce? On the other hand, how long can your dad stay strong in a marriage like that? It would really help to know more or less where your dad stays. This is a very unfair situation. Being married within community of property means everything will go half-half I don't think there is a way around that, but with your mom being in and out of jobs maybe your dad would not have to pay her anything else on top of that.

 

[upup]

There is this joke, parents don't see there children anymore and wants to see them, the parents saying they are getting divorce, so the children come home to visit.

 

[HavocXphere]

Sorry to hear that. I'm inclined to agree with Arthur - try and fix it first as impossible as that sounds.

You're not going to get around the 50/50 thing unfortunately.

 

[Saltex]

Hey Saltex

So sorry to hear this. It would have been a good thing if they could just sort out the problem after having been married for so many years. It seems as if your mother is acting very irrational. Are you sure she is not just threatening your dad with divorce? On the other hand, how long can your dad stay strong in a marriage like that? It would really help to know more or less where your dad stays. This is a very unfair situation. Being married within community of property means everything will go half-half I don't think there is a way around that, but with your mom being in and out of jobs maybe your dad would not have to pay her anything else on top of that.

My dad really deserves some kind of medal, no jokes, I mean when you are kid you don't see these things, but when you get older and you mature etc. you start to see things for what they really are, and I have much respect for my dad to be able to cope his life through that. If it were me I would have been long gone, but I think the only reason he has only bothered to not leave is because he doesn't wanna part with half of what he has.

I mean my mom is not always a bad person, she is actually a really good person to, but it's that the smallest of things that trigger her, and I mean she really blows things out of proportion to very bad extents, and I am not even exaggerating . It can lead to her being in a sulking mood for a week all because we maybe said "a bit too much salt in the rice" or some really other silly stuff.

As nasty as this may be of me, I will tell her that if she goes through with a divorce I will threaten her with me "disowning" her and never wanting to have contact with her again, or she must get some kind of psychiatric help because I genuinely feel there is something wrong, this is not normal human behavior, all couples fight I understand that, and many times it's with reason, or it's over something small but the sulking or whatever doesn't last for days on end.

I mean I was diagnosed with a mood disorder about 2 years back, and ever since that day it made more sense to me why my mother probably behaves the way she does, and if mood disorders or genetic which I am sure they are, then I am pretty convinced she has a problem, but it is her stubbornness that gets the best of her that refuses to go for help and that she thinks she is fine, that is why I will unfortunately have to threaten her, either she loses her family and stays the way she is or she seeks help and keeps the family.

I'm 24 now and not dependent on my parents anymore, it's just that being in a different country now and knowing my dad might grow old alone and may lead a future sad life without me really being able to ever really be there, really hurts me alot.

 

[chrisc]

He needs to salt some money away before the day of reckoning arrives. One way is to "lend" it to a trusted friend. I was one of those once and had R4m in my account for several months. I got to keep the interest

 

[HavocXphere]

I'd take care not to make the situation worse with threats of never talking to her again etc. Generally people respond to threats badly and if they aren't 100% stable then even more so.

Which side is the hinting at divorce coming from?

He needs to salt some money away before the day of reckoning arrives. One way is to "lend" it to a trusted friend. I was one of those once and had R4m in my account for several months. I got to keep the interest

I've seen people attempt similar schemes. Judges tend to take a very dim view of this and will go out of their way to level the playing field in a harsh manner.

 

[DJ...]

No getting around what amounts to a contractual obligation unless he can convince her otherwise...

 

[DJ...]

He needs to salt some money away before the day of reckoning arrives. One way is to "lend" it to a trusted friend. I was one of those once and had R4m in my account for several months. I got to keep the interest

Any divorce attorney worth his salt would have that nailed in a heartbeat. It's in the attorney's best interests to do so. If the funds have been sitting in an account that is trackable locally in any way, there's no way that he can get away with this sort of thing. The money would have had to have been "hidden" in the first place.

I'm not 100% sure about this, but I'm not sure the pension is necessarily split upon divorce...

 

[biometrics]

Wow, really harsh towards your mom!

 

[HavocXphere]

Any divorce attorney worth his salt would have that nailed in a heartbeat. It's in the attorney's best interests to do so. If the funds have been sitting in an account that is trackable locally in any way, there's no way that he can get away with this sort of thing. The money would have had to have been "hidden" in the first place.

I'm not 100% sure about this, but I'm not sure the pension is necessarily split upon divorce...

Now that is a good point. A quick google suggests mixed outcomes with the majority going in favour of the non-member (your mom).

http://www.iol.co.za/business/personal-finance/retirement/splitting-a-pension-on-divorce-1.1218453

 

[Lycanthrope]

Out of curiosity... Ever just consider getting the family to sit down with your mom and get her to understand that she has a mood disorder, that it's ruining her life and that of those around her, how it has affected her children, her husband, etc and talk her into seeing a therapist?

Perhaps getting put on some sort of mood stabilisers or antideps will help her and her relationships?

If she has a problem, which it seems that she does, she needs treatment, understanding and support.

And, most importantly, she needs help realising that she has a problem.

 

[bwana]

@OP - why do you feel the need to take sides at all? They're both still your parents.

 

[Saltex]

@OP - why do you feel the need to take sides at all? They're both still your parents.

Thing is it's not about taking sides, it's about standing up to what I believe is right or wrong.

 

[maumau]

There are two sides to every story. Perhaps your mom had something urgent to do when her bus broke dowm, or maybe it was raining. If they've been married over 24 years your dad should be able to say he's leaving work for a while to fetch his wife. Unless he's a doctor, dentist or is really needed all the time.

maybe your mom just wants more attention, however if she's really a difficult lady your dad might be happier without her. Don'tworry about them sharing everything, your dad's got a job.

Horrible situation, sorry about it.

 

[Saltex]

Out of curiosity... Ever just consider getting the family to sit down with your mom and get her to understand that she has a mood disorder, that it's ruining her life and that of those around her, how it has affected her children, her husband, etc and talk her into seeing a therapist?

Perhaps getting put on some sort of mood stabilisers or antideps will help her and her relationships?

If she has a problem, which it seems that she does, she needs treatment, understanding and support.

And, most importantly, she needs help realising that she has a problem.

These are things we have tried to do countless times, but she is really a stubborn person, which is unfortunately why I said I would have to threaten her, it's not because I really want to and want her out of my life, but I feel this is the only way to maybe get her to realise. She always has an answer for everything, that towards the end of an argument she is losing she starts to make ridiculous acquisitions and go right off topic saying that my dad is sleeping is around with the neighbor or something, and I know my dad, and I am around my dad alot and this is something he would never do, the most conservative and old school guy you will ever meet.

 

[CamiKaze]

I think that the first one that files for divorce has a greater chance of keeping the house and other stuff. That's what happened to my parents. Mom got everything...all of my fathers life savings are gone now. It's a very messy predicament to be in, and I think that the best thing that your father can do is to fix all of his money in some account until this thing blows over. That way, mom won't get it.

 

[IzZzy]

I'm not 100% sure about this, but I'm not sure the pension is necessarily split upon divorce...

Section 37C of the Pension Funds Act AFAIK. If married in COP, she will be entitled to half the pension immediately i.e. the pension fund must liquidate half his pension and pay her on the date of the divorce. His remaining half is still subject to the normal rules and he won't be able to draw any out until retirement age.