Divorced and Coparenting

[Steamy Tom]

So have I cheated? Absolutely. I cheated on both of them with the other and told them about it.

Have I cheated while married? Almost, call it emotional cheating. Have I started a physical intimate relationship with anybody outside my marriage?

so how long before this conversation did you start chatting to the ex again?

 

[Crayons]

Invite your ex over and make dinosaur sounds in the bedroom. This way your wife will know you won the divorce.

 

[Sepeng]

I think I get it but... so many questions...
I mean do your children know about what the parents are going through? If the wife is sleeping in another room I'm guessing yes they do? If not, is the point of still living together so that they they never find out till much later? I can kinda wrap my head around that - I've seen many a divorce that happens when the kids move out the house, parents don't hate each other, over time they just became friends that are raising children, or they wait till the children are older.
But dunno, think I'm with Fulcrum29 on this one - if things are amicable rather make a clean break now. I reckon part of our ability to be a good parent is our mental health - how happy will either of you be in a situation like this? Will you both start seeing other people? If so, rather your own spaces.
Can this arrangement work, sure, maybe. Which arrangement is better for your children? No cooking clue to be honest.
This of course assumes there's no going back.

 

[Hemi300c]

So the wife and I have sat down and decided things aren't working out.

We both want the best for our (underaged) kids and have decided - at least for the time being - that we will cohabit and co-parent purely for their sake, but also because it will be easier on the kids since they won't have to travel from parent to parent every weekend or school holiday. And it eliminates the need for a fight for custody; and since we're married COP, even though we've agreed on who will take what, it pushes forward and postpones the date for the division of assets.

We love each other, it's just we've outgrown each other and we've both agreed that things are not working out. She's got nobody, I know this for a fact.

Here's the thing. I've recently started talking to my ex and she wants us to give it another go. Yes, I've confided in her that I'm in the process of getting divorced. The problem for me is I'd have to move provinces since she does not want to be too far from her sickly mother. This is a bit of an issue since I would see my kids much less should I eventually move out and join the ex.

But I digress, as that is not an immediate problem.

My question is this: Are any of you co-parenting from the same household - even if it's from different rooms? She's the one who moved out of our matrimonial bedroom to a spare bedroom.

Things seem fine now but unfortunately will go south soon.

Get all agreements of the settlement in place asap and signed before the "relationship" goes south.

Then in a few years all will be good again.

 

[Zukat]

Bad, bad idea to cohabitate after a break up as much as it feels right for the kids, there will be constant tension between you two arising from small things and that's not even taking into consideration if one of you decides to start seeing someone else, it will end up being just a nightmare for your mental health and for the kids, so don't delay the inevitable and just explain it to them and move out.

With regards to your ex, don't do it! Apart from the common "she is an ex for a reason", women are programmed to value and respect high status man desired by other women, so after the honeymoon is over, you will be a beta in her eyes who wasn't desired by anyone else that you had to go back to her (I know it might seem irrational, but women don't make decisions based on logic). Lastly, her value depreciated on the marketplace with age, while yours improved (unless you are broke with no goals in life), so find someone new.

 

[r4nd0m]

Spitting out some red pills @Zukat

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Bad, bad idea to cohabitate after a break up as much as it feels right for the kids, there will be constant tension between you two arising from small things and that's not even taking into consideration if one of you decides to start seeing someone else, it will end up being just a nightmare for your mental health and for the kids, so don't delay the inevitable and just explain it to them and move out.

With regards to your ex, don't do it! Apart from the common "she is an ex for a reason", women are programmed to value and respect high status man desired by other women, so after the honeymoon is over, you will be a beta in her eyes who wasn't desired by anyone else that you had to go back to her (I know it might seem irrational, but women don't make decisions based on logic). Lastly, her value depreciated on the marketplace with age, while yours improved (unless you are broke with no goals in life), so find someone new.

Wow that ex bit seems rather extreme.

 

[Alton Turner Blackwood]

so how long before this conversation did you start chatting to the ex again?

Well, it was actually a coincidence in that not long after lockdown started, the wife moved into a different room and a few days ago my ex sent me an invite on FB. Ordinarily I would have rejected the request since my wife would have been livid, but since I was pissed off I couldn't care less so I accepted and we exchanged numbers.

The wife actually only brought up the intent on divorce this January.

 

[Alton Turner Blackwood]

Wow that ex bit seems rather extreme.

I was going to tag you in this thread based on something you've mentioned some time ago about you and your ex still being very good friends.

Make no mistake. I have no reason to hate my wife, it's just things are absolutely not working and she seems to make some rather stupid decisions to which I have no input and I'd rather not want to be with her anymore in the form of a spouse, but rather as a friend.

 

[Tjoker]

I was going to tag you in this thread based on something you've mentioned some time ago about you and your ex still being very good friends.

Make no mistake. I have no reason to hate my wife, it's just things are absolutely not working and she seems to make some rather stupid decisions to which I have no input and I'd rather not want to be with her anymore in the form of a spouse, but rather as a friend.

living in the same house with this trigger for you is ONLY going to make it worse, move out, or she needs to

 

[Steamy Tom]

Well, it was actually a coincidence in that not long after lockdown started, the wife moved into a different room and a few days ago my ex sent me an invite on FB. Ordinarily I would have rejected the request since my wife would have been livid, but since I was pissed off I couldn't care less so I accepted and we exchanged numbers.

The wife actually only brought up the intent on divorce this January.

convenient coincidence...

 

[John Tempus]

It is going to be more harmful for your kids if you stay together but "mentally separated" just for the kids. This is going to give the most confusing signals for your kids that mommy and daddy don't show any affection assuming you end up doing this "mentally separated" co-parenting in the same household for a long period of time.

Kids are very resilient and young or old its going to be sad or traumatic initially but if you explain the situation appropriately and still put effort in to be part of their lives as much as possible then it will be fine.

 

[Alton Turner Blackwood]

convenient coincidence...

I have no reason or any gain in the form of positive reinforcement to my decision by lying to you. You can either believe me or not.

 

[Alton Turner Blackwood]

It is going to be more harmful for your kids if you stay together but "mentally separated" just for the kids. This is going to give the most confusing signals for your kids that mommy and daddy don't show any affection assuming you end up doing this "mentally separated" co-parenting in the same household for a long period of time.

Kids are very resilient and young or old its going to be sad or traumatic initially but if you explain the situation appropriately and still put effort in to be part of their lives as much as possible then it will be fine.

There are a lot of things that will be difficult to manage for the wife. The most important of which is the fact that I now WFH fulltime and usually go fetch the kids from school (she's a lecturer, so obviously needs to be in her classes). She takes them to school, I fetch them.

I'm willing to let her keep the house. I'm willing to pay the bond until she gets to a point where she can pay it on her own. Yes, I still love her that much not to be bitter toward her. We struggled a schitload to get the kids in the schools (one is still in primary and the other in secondary school). So I want them to stay at the same schools.

They've already picked up that things are not what it used to be because the 10 year-old asked me the other day how many girlfriends I have. I have no idea where that question came from, but I reassured myself, to my dismay later on, that it's just childish ignorance speaking since I've never spoken about girlfriends to them. I then realised later on that they must have picked up the vibe in some way, shape, or form.

 

[The_Mowgs]

This is sad to read but it could have been avoided have you just listened but you had other priorities which you believed to be more important.

I dont have any advice but even if I had I would unfortunately just keep it to myself.

I feel bad for your kids.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

I was going to tag you in this thread based on something you've mentioned some time ago about you and your ex still being very good friends.

Make no mistake. I have no reason to hate my wife, it's just things are absolutely not working and she seems to make some rather stupid decisions to which I have no input and I'd rather not want to be with her anymore in the form of a spouse, but rather as a friend.

Should have gone ahead and tagged, we're all here to offer our own experiences of it can help someone in some way.

As of my situation, she cheated and I caught her and loverboy kissing. Naturally I was pissed and sent her packing, at one point felt like shooting her until a friend handed me the gun and said I can go ahead and he has my back. The question that followed got ne thinking straight... "and then what after".

So immediately I had to start thinking about my daughter and my own life. Did not stay angry for too long and just made sure that I get my daughter and nothing else. We agreed that my daughter would stay with me and I was happy. Things went well between us and we never argued at all... until I started seeing someone years later. She made things difficult and was always trying to start a fight or make sure my plans were ruined if I asked her to have our daughter on a weekend which was not hers (previously wasn't an issue). She would badmouth my gf (now wife) to make things uncomfortable for her. I tried speaking to her and it became about another woman trying to be her daughter's mother.

We moved in together a year later and this pissed my ex off even more... despite the fact that my daughter had gained a person in her life who loved and treated her like her own.

Now keep in mind my daughter stays with me full time and goes to her mom every 2nd weekend. My wife was practically her mother teaching her all the things I would never have known.
Eventually my wife went and told her off. Not rude things, but explaining how she is selfishly spoiling her daughters upbringing with all the childish behaviour and fighting. She offered to step back and not do anything for our daughter and let my daughter figure things out on her own while she's home with me. I think that eventually got to my ex, finally she saw what silly behaviour she had and it stopped. Now years later we have an awesome relationship and she even contacts my wife for things regarding my daughter instead of asking me. They're also on good speaking terms and my wife has helped her with plenty other things not relating to our daughter. Its gotten to such a point that her daughter she has with loverboy was staying at our place for the first few months of lockdown as she didn't have anyone to look after the kid, and now that kid wants to practically live with us.

To summarize, things can get better in the end regardless of what difficulties comes your way. Something I personally live by is to always keep my side clean (or at least try). So I don't retaliate to remarks or try to get revenge by being spiteful (I have beat up loverboy after the initial cheating, but he deserved it). I have a firm belief that people see more than we think and clearly see where the trouble comes from in situations like these. Had I been the spiteful revenge type we would probably still be having fights going back and forth over the same silly things day in and day out and I could easily have looked like the cause of these fights.

As for advice, personally haven't lived with an ex in the same circumstances so cannot really comment. I cant see it being easy though. Would also be confusing for the kids who think that you guys are still together and then start feeling awkward when one of you starts seeing another person and that parent becomes the enemy.
I would probably try to get through the divorce while things are still good and hope the actual divorce process doesn't turn ugly (have heard from others that this is where things get really ugly). Also wish you luck through this time as it sure as hell can't be an easy time for you.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Also, if I did not see DMX in your avatar you would not have gotten such a detailed response Haha

 

[RedViking]

she seems to make some rather stupid decisions to which I have no input

This is really ironic.

 

[Alton Turner Blackwood]

This is sad to read but it could have been avoided have you just listened but you had other priorities which you believed to be more important.

I dont have any advice but even if I had I would unfortunately just keep it to myself.

I feel bad for your kids.

I have no response to you.

Actually, rethinking that statement, I probably do, but you don't deserve it because you took her wine during the alcohol ban and nothing for me!

 

[3WA]

Pics of the wife?