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Question of the Day: Have you ever been to an airshow?
Do you Fap?
- Thread starter scotty777
- Start date
- Status
BinaryJack
Spam
And you solo it daily? Kage, I'm so sorry... I never knew
I only do because no one seems to be able to keep up.
The fapping is only due to an somewhat superherolike level of friskyness.
ChilliGirl
PopCornPeddler
Alone or with help?
Thread is a spin-off of Djtay's idiot thread. Along with this one... and this one... Did I miss any?
offer djtay a pair of tweazers....
then he MIGHT be able to fap....
oh & don't forget the microscope
Lycanthrope
Honorary Master
BinaryJack
Spam
LOL.
Go to any beach in cape town and you will be able to get tanned and fapped at the same time,
HavocXphere
Honorary Master
The confusion is strong with this one.
How do the tanning products fit into this?
How do the tanning products fit into this?
scotty777
...doesn't know
crap, ran out of Djtay posts to mock 
. Sigh, well, it was fun while it lasted next time I'll use viagra
. Sigh, well, it was fun while it lasted next time I'll use viagrascotty777
...doesn't know
Dixie, same man, looks like Djtay was a meany to you
.Hmmm, I still remember that story where some half ape, half gorilla half testosterone injecting man tried his luck with you
Lycanthrope
Honorary Master
http://www.filehurricane.com/viewerthumbnails/714200841640PM_srynocaption.jpgIt's actually lame, don't click...
BinaryJack
Spam
crap, ran out of Djtay posts to mock
Yes and now the mocking of scotty777 shall begin.
:twisted:
So Scotty...tell us more about your fapping.
scotty777
...doesn't know
Hey, it's my penis and I can wash it as fast as I like in the shower/bed/couch/in front of the pc....
ChilliGirl
PopCornPeddler
Dixie, same man, looks like Djtay was a meany to you
Hmmm, I still remember that story where some half ape, half gorilla half testosterone injecting man tried his luck with you
bwhahahahahaha,
I am not Dixie. She's someone else.
I'm sure that she would agree with me that toys would be better entertaining & stimulating that djtay could ever dream of being.
tsume
The Pervy Sage
This thread shows reason not to leave your pc unattended
ErEkTiLe_DySfUnKsHuN
Senior Member
Sometimes attempting to fap is futile. Not even slapping it against the showerdoor helps...
Lycanthrope
Honorary Master
Who? Kage? Naah, he's way too old for me
/moves swiftly to the exit, stage left :erm:
MickeyD
RIP
Onanibics - Male Masturbation Diet
The male masturbation diet, also known as Onanibics, was developed to help men across the world lose weight through masturbation. The word Onanibics originated in Japan and it's English translation is "masturbation aerobics".
Onanibics was developed to help men lose weight and promote male masturbation as a normal, healthy function. It is widely known that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, making it easier to trim down.
Exercising while using these male masturbating techniques has helped thousands worldwide lose weight while having fun! Exercise and masterbation professionals from around the world have collaborated on a list of proven male masterbation techniques. These techniques were created specifically for all types of men and can be done in the comfort of your own home.
In Japanese the word "onani" means to masturbate whereas "bics" stands for aerobics. These two words together create the male masturbation techniques we know today as Onanibics. These masturbation exercises suggested were developed for the novice masturbator as well as for the professional.
Curled Masturbation Technique (CMT)
Instructions: Sit in a comfortable position, preferably on your butt, with your heels touching the ground, and legs bent up. Then curl you back forward, like you are trying to suck your own penis (but don't actually suck it), then grip you penis with your hand (left or right which ever you prefer), then point you elbow directly in front of you, To do this you will have to curl your arm, once elbow is pointing directly in front of you, and arm is curled, commence masturbation. By now your back should be curled forward, and you arm should be curled, this will supply a good orgasm, but beware, the curled arm causes inaccurate cum shots, and also remember to straighten your back right before ejaculation, because you do not want to cum in your face, unless of course your into that type of thing, then feel free to do it. Also doing this with different expressions makes it fun and more enjoyable, such as a serious face, angry face, or sad face.
Muscles worked: Whole Arm, and lower back muscles.
There's quite a bit of literature on the subject.
SHOWER MASTURBATION (HITLER STROKE)
Instructions: Fairly simple, really - jerking out your filthy, filthy desires while cleaning yourself in the shower, thus creating a pleasing juxtaposition. The so-called "Hitler Wank" comes from the stance taken, using your spare hand to steady yourself against the wall of the shower cubicle, imitating the (in)famous "Heil" gesture.
Don't: Slip on the soap or take things too far and commit religious genocide.
Muscles worked: Both biceps and the "Main Muscle" if you catch my drift.
ANAL MASTURBATION
Instructions: Slowly stroke in a circular motion around the anus, then slowly raidiate away from it. After you get at least three inches away from the anus, slap your ass, say "PUBIC HAIR" as loud as you can. Crawl onto your knees, then attempt to do a sexually explicit version of the hokey pokey, involving penises. Once you are done, place your pointer and index finger on the tip of your penis and face the ceiling. Stick your tongue out and try and think as hard as you can of an armadillo with giant tits. Then take a potato and rub it back and forth on your ballsack then take the potato and make some chips while still thinking about the armadillo with its big tits eat the chips and you should eventually ejaculate.
Muscles Worked: Fingers, Anus, Ballsack, Potato, Armadillo(with huge tits, deep fryer)
BACKHAND STROKE
Instructions: A slight variation of the normal Strokin exercise, this method requires the arm to be inverted to target the Tricep muscle. As with the Strokin exercise, wrap desired hand around penis and move back and forth in stroking motion. To provide a more balanced workout, alternate strokin arm between sets.
Don't: Don't overindulge in the basic strokin exercises, you will not reap the benefits of the Onanibics workout until you progress to the more advanced exercises!
Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Triceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
BURNING THIGH STROKE
Instructions: For this exercise you will need to find a flat wall to lean your back against. With your back against a wall, crouch down so that your waist is level with your knees. While in this position begin stroking and remain there until intense burning is achieved in the Quadricep Muscle of your leg. Please remember that burning in this instance is good and not a sign of an STD.
Don't: Don't bend your back or penis when doing this exercise, you don't want to strain vital body parts.
Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Calves, Hamstrings, Tibialis Anterior, Forearm Flexor, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
STROKE-A-SQUAT
Instructions: Standing upright with your feet a few inches apart, hold onto a bench, chair or something to support your balance. Keeping your back straight, and head up, bend your knees and lower yourself towards the floor while beginning the strokin motion. Once your thighs are just below parallel to the floor, push yourself back up to the starting position while flexing your Quad muscles. Please remember to alternate and invert strokin arms to enhance and balance workout.
Don't: Remember don't let your back round or put your head down. Your penis does not need to be stared at while performing exercise.
Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Forearm Flexor, Triceps, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
DOUBLE BARREL STROKE
Instructions: The most advanced of the general strokin exercises, this involves the use of both arms at the same time. While in a comfortable sitting position being stroking with one arm while developing a rhythm to the motion. When rhythm is achieved, begin alternating between arms with each stroking motion and continue until desired effect is achieved. Please remember this exercise demands intense concentration to prevent injury to penile region.
Don't: Do not attempt this exercise until you have perfected a rhythmic stroking motion, failing to do this will result in injury!
Muscles Worked: Forearm Flexors, Triceps, Biceps, Trapezius, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
MASTURCRUNCHES
Instructions: Lie down on the floor and bend your knees while placing your feet flat on the ground. Place one hand behind your head and the other on the penis. Using your abdominal strength, curl your shoulders up and off the floor towards your hips and begin your stroking motion. When your shoulders cannot come up any higher, pause for one second and contract your abdominals. Return to starting position and repeat for desired number of reps or until ejaculation occurs. Remember to alternate arms between sets.
Don't: Don't pull your head up with your hand as this may cause neck injury. The only head you should be pulling during this exercise is on your tallywhacker.
Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
ONA-HOLE JOGGING
Instructions: Being the most advanced exercise in the Onanibics Workout, Ona-Hole Jogging requires that you be proficient in all other exercises. This exercise will require the use of a treadmill unless its done under the cover of night at a safe locale. Begin jogging slowly and rather than swinging your arms in normal fashion, concentrate on developing a rhythmic stroking motion that coincides with the motion of your legs. Slowly begin accelerating to a comfortable speed where both your legs and arms are moving in perfect rhythm. Continue Ona-Hole Jogging until desired effect is achieved.
Don't: We advise that you DO NOT try this exercise while sprinting, the accelerated rhythm of the stroking motion will cause damage to the penile region.
Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Calves, Quadriceps, Tibialis Anterior, Hamstrings, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
Wake Up Call
Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your arm, until it goes numb. Then stroke your cock, and it will feel like somebody else is wanking you off.
Reverse Wake Up Call
Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your cock, until it goes numb. Then stroke it, and it will feel like you are wanking somebody else off.
STRANGER
Instructions: Go to your local 24-hour supermarket late at night and wait in the parking lot until a lone person (gender does not matter) comes out. After luring them with candy and/or "candy", steal them, masturbate them, and return to their original location. This can also be performed at a bar or night club, actually, that's probably a better idea. Drunk people don't remember things.
Don't: Try to have them masturbate you.
Muscles Worked: all or most of the pollicis brevis muscles, social skills, criminal record.
Alternatively: Dig up the corpse of absurdist philosopher Albert Camus, ensnare his hand in a makeshift sling, and thrust your pingas through his hand while reciting passages from his seminal novel,
The Stranger. If you wish to do a facial, you must then deliver an essay on the merits of absurdism and existentialism.
BACKSEAT TECHNIQUE
Instructions: First, find a parking space relatively free of passers by. After doing so, enter the backseat of your car, then begin your pre-masturbating preparations like covering front and side windows. Lie on your stomach, think of your preferred fantasy, and then use pelvic thrusts to rub your penis against the seat cushion. Repeat until orgasm. For best results, place a cloth or a tissue paper between your penis and your underwear.
Muscles worked: Gastrocnemius, soleus, pectoralis minor
The male masturbation diet, also known as Onanibics, was developed to help men across the world lose weight through masturbation. The word Onanibics originated in Japan and it's English translation is "masturbation aerobics".
Onanibics was developed to help men lose weight and promote male masturbation as a normal, healthy function. It is widely known that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, making it easier to trim down.
Exercising while using these male masturbating techniques has helped thousands worldwide lose weight while having fun! Exercise and masterbation professionals from around the world have collaborated on a list of proven male masterbation techniques. These techniques were created specifically for all types of men and can be done in the comfort of your own home.
In Japanese the word "onani" means to masturbate whereas "bics" stands for aerobics. These two words together create the male masturbation techniques we know today as Onanibics. These masturbation exercises suggested were developed for the novice masturbator as well as for the professional.
Curled Masturbation Technique (CMT)
Instructions: Sit in a comfortable position, preferably on your butt, with your heels touching the ground, and legs bent up. Then curl you back forward, like you are trying to suck your own penis (but don't actually suck it), then grip you penis with your hand (left or right which ever you prefer), then point you elbow directly in front of you, To do this you will have to curl your arm, once elbow is pointing directly in front of you, and arm is curled, commence masturbation. By now your back should be curled forward, and you arm should be curled, this will supply a good orgasm, but beware, the curled arm causes inaccurate cum shots, and also remember to straighten your back right before ejaculation, because you do not want to cum in your face, unless of course your into that type of thing, then feel free to do it. Also doing this with different expressions makes it fun and more enjoyable, such as a serious face, angry face, or sad face.
Muscles worked: Whole Arm, and lower back muscles.
There's quite a bit of literature on the subject.
SHOWER MASTURBATION (HITLER STROKE)
Instructions: Fairly simple, really - jerking out your filthy, filthy desires while cleaning yourself in the shower, thus creating a pleasing juxtaposition. The so-called "Hitler Wank" comes from the stance taken, using your spare hand to steady yourself against the wall of the shower cubicle, imitating the (in)famous "Heil" gesture.
Don't: Slip on the soap or take things too far and commit religious genocide.
Muscles worked: Both biceps and the "Main Muscle" if you catch my drift.
ANAL MASTURBATION
Instructions: Slowly stroke in a circular motion around the anus, then slowly raidiate away from it. After you get at least three inches away from the anus, slap your ass, say "PUBIC HAIR" as loud as you can. Crawl onto your knees, then attempt to do a sexually explicit version of the hokey pokey, involving penises. Once you are done, place your pointer and index finger on the tip of your penis and face the ceiling. Stick your tongue out and try and think as hard as you can of an armadillo with giant tits. Then take a potato and rub it back and forth on your ballsack then take the potato and make some chips while still thinking about the armadillo with its big tits eat the chips and you should eventually ejaculate.
Muscles Worked: Fingers, Anus, Ballsack, Potato, Armadillo(with huge tits, deep fryer)
BACKHAND STROKE
Instructions: A slight variation of the normal Strokin exercise, this method requires the arm to be inverted to target the Tricep muscle. As with the Strokin exercise, wrap desired hand around penis and move back and forth in stroking motion. To provide a more balanced workout, alternate strokin arm between sets.
Don't: Don't overindulge in the basic strokin exercises, you will not reap the benefits of the Onanibics workout until you progress to the more advanced exercises!
Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Triceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
BURNING THIGH STROKE
Instructions: For this exercise you will need to find a flat wall to lean your back against. With your back against a wall, crouch down so that your waist is level with your knees. While in this position begin stroking and remain there until intense burning is achieved in the Quadricep Muscle of your leg. Please remember that burning in this instance is good and not a sign of an STD.
Don't: Don't bend your back or penis when doing this exercise, you don't want to strain vital body parts.
Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Calves, Hamstrings, Tibialis Anterior, Forearm Flexor, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
STROKE-A-SQUAT
Instructions: Standing upright with your feet a few inches apart, hold onto a bench, chair or something to support your balance. Keeping your back straight, and head up, bend your knees and lower yourself towards the floor while beginning the strokin motion. Once your thighs are just below parallel to the floor, push yourself back up to the starting position while flexing your Quad muscles. Please remember to alternate and invert strokin arms to enhance and balance workout.
Don't: Remember don't let your back round or put your head down. Your penis does not need to be stared at while performing exercise.
Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Forearm Flexor, Triceps, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
DOUBLE BARREL STROKE
Instructions: The most advanced of the general strokin exercises, this involves the use of both arms at the same time. While in a comfortable sitting position being stroking with one arm while developing a rhythm to the motion. When rhythm is achieved, begin alternating between arms with each stroking motion and continue until desired effect is achieved. Please remember this exercise demands intense concentration to prevent injury to penile region.
Don't: Do not attempt this exercise until you have perfected a rhythmic stroking motion, failing to do this will result in injury!
Muscles Worked: Forearm Flexors, Triceps, Biceps, Trapezius, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
MASTURCRUNCHES
Instructions: Lie down on the floor and bend your knees while placing your feet flat on the ground. Place one hand behind your head and the other on the penis. Using your abdominal strength, curl your shoulders up and off the floor towards your hips and begin your stroking motion. When your shoulders cannot come up any higher, pause for one second and contract your abdominals. Return to starting position and repeat for desired number of reps or until ejaculation occurs. Remember to alternate arms between sets.
Don't: Don't pull your head up with your hand as this may cause neck injury. The only head you should be pulling during this exercise is on your tallywhacker.
Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
ONA-HOLE JOGGING
Instructions: Being the most advanced exercise in the Onanibics Workout, Ona-Hole Jogging requires that you be proficient in all other exercises. This exercise will require the use of a treadmill unless its done under the cover of night at a safe locale. Begin jogging slowly and rather than swinging your arms in normal fashion, concentrate on developing a rhythmic stroking motion that coincides with the motion of your legs. Slowly begin accelerating to a comfortable speed where both your legs and arms are moving in perfect rhythm. Continue Ona-Hole Jogging until desired effect is achieved.
Don't: We advise that you DO NOT try this exercise while sprinting, the accelerated rhythm of the stroking motion will cause damage to the penile region.
Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Calves, Quadriceps, Tibialis Anterior, Hamstrings, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle
Wake Up Call
Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your arm, until it goes numb. Then stroke your cock, and it will feel like somebody else is wanking you off.
Reverse Wake Up Call
Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your cock, until it goes numb. Then stroke it, and it will feel like you are wanking somebody else off.
STRANGER
Instructions: Go to your local 24-hour supermarket late at night and wait in the parking lot until a lone person (gender does not matter) comes out. After luring them with candy and/or "candy", steal them, masturbate them, and return to their original location. This can also be performed at a bar or night club, actually, that's probably a better idea. Drunk people don't remember things.
Don't: Try to have them masturbate you.
Muscles Worked: all or most of the pollicis brevis muscles, social skills, criminal record.
Alternatively: Dig up the corpse of absurdist philosopher Albert Camus, ensnare his hand in a makeshift sling, and thrust your pingas through his hand while reciting passages from his seminal novel,
The Stranger. If you wish to do a facial, you must then deliver an essay on the merits of absurdism and existentialism.
BACKSEAT TECHNIQUE
Instructions: First, find a parking space relatively free of passers by. After doing so, enter the backseat of your car, then begin your pre-masturbating preparations like covering front and side windows. Lie on your stomach, think of your preferred fantasy, and then use pelvic thrusts to rub your penis against the seat cushion. Repeat until orgasm. For best results, place a cloth or a tissue paper between your penis and your underwear.
Muscles worked: Gastrocnemius, soleus, pectoralis minor
MickeyD
RIP
THE BOB DYLAN
Instructions: Mastubating into your partner's hair while she sleeps. If done correctly she will wake up with a hairstyle similar to that of legendary folk singer/songwriter Bob Dylan in the late sixties. Also known as a Ken Dodd, after not-so-legendary british "funny"man with a similar hairdo.
Don't: Wake her up - it's not an easy situation to explain. Trust me. I know.
Instructions: Mastubating into your partner's hair while she sleeps. If done correctly she will wake up with a hairstyle similar to that of legendary folk singer/songwriter Bob Dylan in the late sixties. Also known as a Ken Dodd, after not-so-legendary british "funny"man with a similar hairdo.
Don't: Wake her up - it's not an easy situation to explain. Trust me. I know.
MickeyD
RIP
THE BERNARD - THE III
Instructions: This one is requires preperation.
Step one: Buy an alligator from the black market.
Step two: Get a shot-gun (it has to be new) Step three: Get make in the colors of red, purple, and orange. This was an ancient ritual performed by negros back in the late yesterdays. The negros wore the make up to avoid confusion because they performed this at night.
Basically what you have to do is eat a lot of corn. Then you take a schit on the roof. You tie the shot-gun around your waist so that the butt of the gun is in your crack. You climb up on the roof wearing the make-up for rituals sake. The alligator begins to climb on the wall to eat the corn-filled loaf.
The moment the gator gets to the chumminy you jump off the roof falling towards the gator. on the way down you fart causing the gun to go pff and it shoots far into your anus. The guns warmth causes an instant warming sensation through out your body. You instantly get a boner. Then you fall into the alligators guts, causing you to break every bone in your body.
The gator's blood soaks into your injured anus, and the blood mixes with yours. It instantly causes the greatest orgasm in the world. You then die, but the cum shoots so far up it lands in your eye in heaven.
Muscles Worked: well your dead so...
Instructions: This one is requires preperation.
Step one: Buy an alligator from the black market.
Step two: Get a shot-gun (it has to be new) Step three: Get make in the colors of red, purple, and orange. This was an ancient ritual performed by negros back in the late yesterdays. The negros wore the make up to avoid confusion because they performed this at night.
Basically what you have to do is eat a lot of corn. Then you take a schit on the roof. You tie the shot-gun around your waist so that the butt of the gun is in your crack. You climb up on the roof wearing the make-up for rituals sake. The alligator begins to climb on the wall to eat the corn-filled loaf.
The moment the gator gets to the chumminy you jump off the roof falling towards the gator. on the way down you fart causing the gun to go pff and it shoots far into your anus. The guns warmth causes an instant warming sensation through out your body. You instantly get a boner. Then you fall into the alligators guts, causing you to break every bone in your body.
The gator's blood soaks into your injured anus, and the blood mixes with yours. It instantly causes the greatest orgasm in the world. You then die, but the cum shoots so far up it lands in your eye in heaven.
Muscles Worked: well your dead so...
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