Dysfunctional Families

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feo

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Am I the only the one that always feels that their family is completely retarded?

Fighting all the time, lots of family members not on good terms with each other, we never do things together, everyone is for themselves.

Do any of you have to live through life without a loving, caring family?

It's not healthy...:(
 
damn dude that must suck. my family is near perfect for me - my father drinks quite alot but he has never ever gotten violent or done anything stupid. my mom is just how a mom should be but is cooler....she even smokes hubbly with me sometimes :p and my bro is nothing more than id need from an older brother..... and thats about where my family ends.everyone else is overseas or just dissapeared .
 
You can marry into a functional one I guess.
 
feo said:
Am I the only the one that always feels that their family is completely retarded?

Fighting all the time, lots of family members not on good terms with each other, we never do things together, everyone is for themselves.

Do any of you have to live through life without a loving, caring family?

It's not healthy...:(
Click to expand...

For the most part my family on both sides get along. But there are niggles here and there.
 
feo said:
Am I the only the one that always feels that their family is completely retarded?

Fighting all the time, lots of family members not on good terms with each other, we never do things together, everyone is for themselves.

Do any of you have to live through life without a loving, caring family?

It's not healthy...:(
Click to expand...

Reverse-SNAP. That means I have the same situation but you get to keep all the cards. :D My family put the "FUN" back into disFUNctional. :o
 
feo said:
Am I the only the one that always feels that their family is completely retarded?

Fighting all the time, lots of family members not on good terms with each other, we never do things together, everyone is for themselves.

Do any of you have to live through life without a loving, caring family?

It's not healthy...:(
Click to expand...

No you're not. Currently going through something like that.

Basically, snapped at my mom while I was busy with work. I apologized later but heard from my dad that she said I could stick my apology where the sun doesn't shine. This happened a few months back, so yesterday we got into a fight about my sister (my mom will always bitch and moan to us and not my sister directly) and it came out that I knew what she said.

She of course immediately denied it, started crying because she would never say something like that and asked me who told me this. I told her (reluctantly) it was my dad. WTF would my dad lie to me about something like that? Plus my mom tends to say stuff when she's pissed off that she doesn't later remember, case and point. Now she's mad at my dad. "The marriage is over" and she doesn't have a husband anymore.... now she told me this, yet 5 minutes after, denied she ever did and threw hints towards the fact she doesn't have a husband anymore....

Anyway, this woman... she can't forgive...at all... she does forget though. We were in a fight a couple of weeks back and I was called an inconsiderate p**s, she doesn't remember saying that, but I asked her WHY then would I have reacted the way I did? Flat out denying she never said that, started crying and took the whole "yes, everything is my fault route"

This all happened/culminated yesterday. So now I've ruined what was between my mom and dad. Yay me. And WTF mom!??!

My sister has the exact same ****ing problem. She'll reject whatever her family says (which is mostly encouraging) listen to her ****ed up little friends and I have to constantly remind her that we, her family, will and never has been against her. Would be understandable if she was still a teenager, but she is now almost 30 with 3 kids and still have an issue trusting her family, the only ones looking out for her. Yet she has no problem sponging off of my mom or dad pulling the kids in front whenever it's not working.

My mom falls for it each and every time. Yet moans about falling for it each and every time getting mad at my sister and her husband.

Seriously thinking WTF is "family" if you can't even feel at home and be peaceful and happy with your own family... we (my dad and I) have to constantly not tell my mom the truth or else there will be **** again and she'll go off saying how bad a mother she is and then my sister always gets mention. *turn on the waterworks*

I'm seriously ****ing tired of having to please and explain my way out of these things to people who are so ****ing hard-assed that when they hear whatever you had to say, they'll immediately make up their mind about something and "that's the way it is and what you meant" by it forever.

Such stress and tension constantly is NOT what a family should be. I'm at the point now where I'm really wondering if its worth going on in life if this is what I'll have for the next 30-60 years of my life.

Sometimes feel my dad and I are the only ones who can think logically, listen to what someone else has to say and make up our own ****ing minds by finding out the two sides to the story there is.

I swear to whatever god you pray to if my wife (if I have a wife) one day does this **** I'll drop kick her ass so fast it's going to end in so much confusion she won't know her elbow from her knee.... my dad has balls for putting up with this ****. He says he's used to it by now and that the biggest fights between him and my mom always were about differing opinions on someone else's life. Love must be the conqueror of all.

Are all women like this? Because I'm starting to see this pattern too much nowadays and I'm really getting sick of this backstabbing stubbornness "I know what I said I know what I heard **** you" attitude they have towards their own flesh and blood. (Seen this last week in my gran, she'll hear one thing, assume another... then it takes 3 of us just to explain to her... yet years later... she still thinks the same way even though countless hours have been spent convincing her otherwise)

Apparently blood is NOT thicker than water when it comes to anything relating to the fact.

And I'm sitting here feeling super-depressed because I just basically ruined my mom and dad's marriage. If they get a divorce then I can safely say I caused it... that will teach me to not try and talk things out with my mom (or any other woman) and be honest and open trying to fix the relationship between us.

Yay for selective memory!
Yay for stubborn people!
Yay for people who make up their mind about how things are even though you said something completely different!
Yay for people who can't think straight and always blame themselves no matter what!

Those people... my family... I'm starting to not give a ****...

Forgive & Forget. So far most my family has the "Forget" part down... but **** me if you remind them of something they selectively remember it's all war again.

Here's hoping the marriage I ruined is stronger than this. But I know for a fact my mom would go down swinging to her grave as stubborn as she is. She holds grudges even though she puts up a "happy face" and tell you she's not mad.

Last night I asked her several times if she accepted my apology that night and EACH AND EVERY TIME she deffered and said she forgot about it already. Not once mentioning she forgave me!

I'm really at my wits end and guess what. I can't even talk to my family about this because it's BECAUSE of them so much for ****ing support.

This forum provides me with more support than they have and the support I do ask is few and far between when it concerns some real family and confusion on my side when I do need them...

I'm really tired... and TLDR if you must but **** me I just had to get this **** out on paper/notepad/whatever...
 
Last edited:
Maybe you should have started this thread :D

Women! Too emotional and irrational and too many hang-ups.

Apparently blood is NOT thicker than water when it comes to anything relating to the fact.
Click to expand...

:)
 
NoLimit said:
Women! Too emotional and irrational and too many hang-ups.
Click to expand...

You don't know my brother.

He is strong, very strong and he thinks he can resolve anything with physical intimidation and posturing.

And then he is also a schizophrenic when he is only partially drunk. He phucked up a relationship with a great girl because of this.

But when you are on his good side he is a very nice person.
 
Yo AcidRaZor, I feel your pain dude, it's a good thing that you've let all your anger out on this forum, and I hope it helps (or has helped you) a little bit. But I think talking to someone in person about what you feel will assist you even more because talking helps.

I have a pretty dysfunctional family too. My mom and my dad are unhappily married. They are both in their mid 60's, they got married about 40 years ago. According to my mom, my dad immediately changed after they got married, he became emotionally abusive, was dominant towards her since he was "heard of the family" and a breadwinner. My dad was (and still is) old school, his mentality is that women must never disrespect their husbands, even if husbands don't treat their wives right. From what my mother told me, the only thing wrong my dad did was to shout at my mom if she didn't do what my dad told her to do, he never hit her or anything like that. He just raised his voice.

Since my dad is old school, he wanted a second wife, which my mom was totally against. So my dad went ahead and got jiggy with it with another woman while I was about 2 years old, he fathered a baby with this other woman, my mom found out and she was devastated. She had enough and wanted a divorce. According to my mom, my dad threaten to kill himself if my mom left him (emotional blackmail right there), so my mom stayed since she didn't want me and my older siblings to grow up without a father. So my dad and this other woman never saw each other again, including his (my dad's) son he fathered with that other woman, well at least that's what we think.

So the marriage continued, we (my siblings and I) grew older. My mom kept all the anger she had towards my dad to herself and then she started telling us what my dad put my mom through, from my dad shouting at her and treating her like a second class citizen to not loving her and cheating on her. So my and my siblings slowly but surely started to hate our dad the more out mom talked to us. My older sister was wise enough to hear my dad's side of the story as well. And after a while she "sided" with my dad, while me and my two older brothers didn't want to hear what our dad had to say since we believed our mom is that innocent one, and we sided with my mom, the family was divided, even though we all lived under one roof (you can imagine the tension).

As I also grew older and wiser, I started to talk to my dad too and hear his side of the story, of course he denied a few things like threatening to commit suicide after he cheated on my mom and my mom wanted to leave him. He did however admit that he did cheat on my mom. But he never apologised for it because in African tradition, husbands are allowed to have more than one wife, but the wife has to agree and my mom didn't agree, so my dad being the dominant husband that he was, he went ahead and slept with another woman anyways. He also admitted to me that he did from time to shout at my mom if she didn't obey him.

After a while, the hatred and anger I had towards my dad went away. I decided to not side with anyone since both my dad and my mom raised me, and that was enough for me, what they did to each other was their business (just as long as what they do to each other didn’t break the law). So this year one of my two older brothers also took the route I took, he talked to my dad and decided not to take sides.

So the present situation is that my sister is siding with my dad, my sister and my mom aren't on good terms, even though they are speaking to each other. Me and my older brother get along with both our parents, while my other older brother doesn't get along with my dad at all, even though they do speak to each other sometimes, but only if it is necessary. My brother (who sides with my mom) and my older sister don't speak to each other anymore.

What I've learned is that my mom's plan was to turn us against our dad, that's why she told us all those things and a one time she mentioned to me and my older brothers that she was happy that we hate our dad (what f**king type of mother wants their kids to hate their dad?). Well, she didn't succeed. I decided to no get involved in my family's childish fights. These days I hardly call them anymore. I live in Pretoria in a bachelor flat while my family lives in Johannesburg. On average, I talk to my dad, mom, brothers and sister about once every 3 weeks, not good at all I know. It's just that I am tired of my family. I'm starting to not give a f**k anymore.
 
wow guys this is really heartbreaking...

I must say i have a relatively average family.

Well we have our ups and downs and i struggle to "connect" with my brother but i think it is because we are soo different.

So yeah, have any of you maybe tried family counselling?
 
With us it's the other way around. They're normal and I'm the dysfunctional one :/ I guess it's because I just like to keep to myself.
 
Sly21C said:
Yo AcidRaZor, I feel your pain dude, it's a good thing that you've let all your anger out on this forum, and I hope it helps (or has helped you) a little bit. But I think talking to someone in person about what you feel will assist you even more because talking helps.

I have a pretty dysfunctional family too. My mom and my dad are unhappily married. They are both in their mid 60's, they got married about 40 years ago. According to my mom, my dad immediately changed after they got married, he became emotionally abusive, was dominant towards her since he was "heard of the family" and a breadwinner. My dad was (and still is) old school, his mentality is that women must never disrespect their husbands, even if husbands don't treat their wives right. From what my mother told me, the only thing wrong my dad did was to shout at my mom if she didn't do what my dad told her to do, he never hit her or anything like that. He just raised his voice.

Since my dad is old school, he wanted a second wife, which my mom was totally against. So my dad went ahead and got jiggy with it with another woman while I was about 2 years old, he fathered a baby with this other woman, my mom found out and she was devastated. She had enough and wanted a divorce. According to my mom, my dad threaten to kill himself if my mom left him (emotional blackmail right there), so my mom stayed since she didn't want me and my older siblings to grow up without a father. So my dad and this other woman never saw each other again, including his (my dad's) son he fathered with that other woman, well at least that's what we think.

So the marriage continued, we (my siblings and I) grew older. My mom kept all the anger she had towards my dad to herself and then she started telling us what my dad put my mom through, from my dad shouting at her and treating her like a second class citizen to not loving her and cheating on her. So my and my siblings slowly but surely started to hate our dad the more out mom talked to us. My older sister was wise enough to hear my dad's side of the story as well. And after a while she "sided" with my dad, while me and my two older brothers didn't want to hear what our dad had to say since we believed our mom is that innocent one, and we sided with my mom, the family was divided, even though we all lived under one roof (you can imagine the tension).

As I also grew older and wiser, I started to talk to my dad too and hear his side of the story, of course he denied a few things like threatening to commit suicide after he cheated on my mom and my mom wanted to leave him. He did however admit that he did cheat on my mom. But he never apologised for it because in African tradition, husbands are allowed to have more than one wife, but the wife has to agree and my mom didn't agree, so my dad being the dominant husband that he was, he went ahead and slept with another woman anyways. He also admitted to me that he did from time to shout at my mom if she didn't obey him.

After a while, the hatred and anger I had towards my dad went away. I decided to not side with anyone since both my dad and my mom raised me, and that was enough for me, what they did to each other was their business (just as long as what they do to each other didn’t break the law). So this year one of my two older brothers also took the route I took, he talked to my dad and decided not to take sides.

So the present situation is that my sister is siding with my dad, my sister and my mom aren't on good terms, even though they are speaking to each other. Me and my older brother get along with both our parents, while my other older brother doesn't get along with my dad at all, even though they do speak to each other sometimes, but only if it is necessary. My brother (who sides with my mom) and my older sister don't speak to each other anymore.

What I've learned is that my mom's plan was to turn us against our dad, that's why she told us all those things and a one time she mentioned to me and my older brothers that she was happy that we hate our dad (what f**king type of mother wants their kids to hate their dad?). Well, she didn't succeed. I decided to no get involved in my family's childish fights. These days I hardly call them anymore. I live in Pretoria in a bachelor flat while my family lives in Johannesburg. On average, I talk to my dad, mom, brothers and sister about once every 3 weeks, not good at all I know. It's just that I am tired of my family. I'm starting to not give a f**k anymore.
Click to expand...

Yea, but my mom & dad never cheat on each other. Always there, then I open my big mouth about what my dad told me she said. And I kind of believe him over her because she's done that a few times.

Anyway. Hopefully my dad will cope and my mom would calm down and forget about this and just grow old together like intended in the first place. Knowing my mom she'll never let go of this.

If it was only between them I would take my attitude of "muis pis uit die peper uit" like I do with most situations between other people. But this time I caused it. Me.

It really is a *** feeling knowing you're responsible for something like that.

I guess all I can do now is hope for the best. I won't hope she'll come to her senses because I doubt she will. And I will try and bury this feeling I have... I'm just tired of all the unnecessary drama...

Peder said:
why you like to keep to yourself?
Click to expand...

It's easier that way. And I found my family doesn't bother me with the small stuff (like my gran dying, or my aunt or...well... yes, the "small" things)

It kept me under the illusion that everything was fine and we were a happy family.

For close on 10 years now I haven't lived at home, now that I am, it's really sinking in and I can really see my dad having to play a balancing act almost daily.

If anything, he has taught me to watch what you say before you say it. And that an open honest relationship with your wife means that you'll keep her happy by any means necessary, even if it means conveniently leaving the truth out of it or just by letting certain things slide.

My dad said, "damned if I do, damned if I don't" with regards to my sisters situation. And he just have to take it. Well... in future... I'm not going to just have to take it. If there is no woman out there that can act mature in a relationship and be (somewhat) rational when it comes to things her husband talks to her about, then I don't want one.

Why have family if you have to keep everything to yourself just to keep the peace?

Things like my sisters kid failing grade 1 and having to re-do it has to be "broken softly" to my mom over a question of a few months otherwise she'll freak. WHY. I know it's my dad's choice and he loves my mom but WHY.

I'm a sucker for abuse but WHY. I love my mom. I'll cry when she dies. I'll miss her when she's gone. I miss my family when I'm gone from home. I love my family.

BUT WHY

Keeping to yourself you avoid all these ****ing questions and live your own life as much as possible. And you can then be happy with the false sense of that your family would be there for you and that they're all happy...
 
Hectic stuff. I just wish that kids never need to suffer because of their parents, family and "friends" having issues but that is just WISHFULL thinking. The kids are ALWAYS the ones suffering and taking the Brunt/Strain. Hopefully it will shape and prepare them for later struggless in life but it does not always works that way. I will not bore anyone with my own experiences but only wish to say that there are many, too many sharing the same fate. I always looked at some communities (blacks, Indians) and wondered why they can stand together as extended families and then think back to my life as small kid, who used to love the yearly HUGE family get togethers at my grandfathers place and how that disintegrated over the years to exactly what the OP was refering too. Families drifting apart, all/each for themself and dysfuntional as an extended family in itself at best. Just sad really, must be something about our modern society. I must say that in the USA it seems so much different with my experiences over there. I guess it also depends on city/country life et al.
 
Peder said:
why you like to keep to yourself?
Click to expand...

I like it like that. That way I stay out of all the little squabbles. I'm the sort of person that gets annoyed very quickly at simple things like having to repeat what I say and being bothered by mundane things.
 
If you think your family is dysfunctional, you should watch Arrested Development :p
 
Peder said:
wow guys this is really heartbreaking...

I must say i have a relatively average family.

Well we have our ups and downs and i struggle to "connect" with my brother but i think it is because we are soo different.

So yeah, have any of you maybe tried family counselling?
Click to expand...

you have a brother :eek::confused:

Hmmm, my family pisses my the hell off, but I suppress and don't express my anger because I reckon no one needs my teenage moaning.

One such example is when I'm studying during the weekend and my parents are watching tv... now for some reason, they enjoy watching tv with volumes so loud that the windows begin to shake and if you get near the if, your ears bleed... It's obvious that I can't study with the CSI sound track rupturing my ear drums (remember, I'm up stairs and it's too loud for me), but if I turn down the sound, they get pissed off with me, so my solution is study in the car :D.

Ag, they growing pains, my dad's an alcoholic, but not really violent, and my moms also an alcoholic (but I have a terrible feeling she's slowly losing it :(). My sister, she's either the coolest person you know, or the kind of person that you'd see grab a chainsaw if you piss her off.

However, despite these annoyances, my family is rather good to me. My dad looks after me well and if I cause a bit of crap or get involved in a fight he can have his cop friends at the spot in 10 min ready to arrest :D. My mom is a good person at heart, and she's strict in some ways, but an angle in others. My sister, well, I love her to bits, even on those bitchy days :). I love my family ha ha.

Remember, a family is only dysfunctional when you see it as dysfunctional :D
 
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