Marriage expectations

[ebendl]

If she went out partying, random night out, not a special occasion, she is doing something behind your back.
I'm not married, but if she cares about you and your dad did nothing to her or dislikes her you really have issues in your marriage.

Yes, if she didn't care, then it would be an issue.

However, people are NEVER as black&white as that - there's way more issues and complications underlying. We like to jump to conclusions that are black & white, though: "she doesn't want to go along, so she must not care". BIG assumption!

That's what the book that I recommended explains - it explains the type of assumptions you are making, the role of feelings and how your identity influences what you say (or don't say). It isn't a book about marriage - just difficult conversations.

 

[Azbubu]

Maybe she's deliberately doing it because she knows it bothers you and doesn't want things to work out?

 

[Chevron]

It looks like she's in a sort of a comfort zone. Where she isn't happy, but hasn't had the courage to leave yet. Hence her not really caring about supporting you.

 

[Roxi_B4b3]

It may just really be that she felt she didn't need to be there. You have the support of your brothers and sisters and your mother, and she felt she had no place there. I have actually been in the same situation that I did go with my partner to the family in their time of need, but I didn't feel I contributed in any way to the situation and I actually felt out of place. I think you should have asked her to go with if it is that important to you

 

[Sinbad]

It may just really be that she felt she didn't need to be there. You have the support of your brothers and sisters and your mother, and she felt she had no place there. I have actually been in the same situation that I did go with my partner to the family in their time of need, but I didn't feel I contributed in any way to the situation and I actually felt out of place. I think you should have asked her to go with if it is that important to you

I hear you. However, if I was in the same situation I would have asked "Would you like me to come with you?"
Leave the choice to the person who may be in need. Just make the offer.

 

[blunomore]

It obviously depends what kind of relationship she has with your family.

I am not close to my in-laws at all, so I would visit them socially on occasion, but not attend family gatherings, weddings, funerals, etc.

 

[proxilin]

Option 1: Before you left to your family, telling her that you would really appreciate her support during the traumatic time since you love her and want her by your side

Option 2: After you came back, telling her you realised you needed her there

Option 3: Asking her why she didn't want to go, maybe she felt awkward, maybe she didn't feel it was her place, maybe she didn't get how traumatic the experience was.

Option 4: Not saying anything to her, going to your family, coming back and posting the question on the internet before talking to her. This maybe so that people can tell you that she should have been there, and allowing you to use this against her in future arguments/counselling sessions

Not good.

 

[AstroTurf]

Been married 6 years, something terrible happened in my family earlier today. Is it wrong to expect my wife to accompany to visit my family who experienced this traumatic ordeal. She didn't even offer, just allowed me to go alone. Even though it's on my side of the famil, is it too much to support her husband? Am I being over sensitive?

My Wife's sisters finance died a few months back (about 6 weeks before the wedding).
I went and gave my condolences but after that I did not go around when my wife did simply because I felt that she needs her family around her and I would be an outsider and perhaps force the conversation.
I left it for a week.

 

[Fuma]

Nope.

I didn't accompany her when her parents died (two separate occasions).

Why not if I may ask?

 

[Ho3n3r]

I do not see how it would've helped if she was there to be honest. But that's just me, I do not understand how you feel as me and my dad have issues. And I love my wife so I will never expect her to do something she doesn't want to, for whatever reason. I'm not the boss of her.

But it's really different for everyone. You might be closer to your dad than your wife (seems so anyway), while for me it's the opposite.

 

[Ho3n3r]

Let me ask this way: would you have expected your dad to be there at your home in a hurry if the same happened to your wife?

 

[I.am.Sam]

from what i have read it seems not many people here have relationships with the in-laws family

cause if something happened to my SO family i would be there in a flash

and same with friends ...

so is this normal with alot of you that you tend to stay away from family in that case or something like that

 

[akescpt]

just talk. i hate hospitals personally. but when my wife needs my support, i go. and vice versa. when you see her just ask her nicely.

 

[mich_m]

Sheeesh, are you married?

The most important lesson I learnt I my marriage of 3+ years so far is that I can be right, or I can have a good marriage. I.e., in Sergey's situation, he can expect his wife to automatically pick up that he wants support (perhaps because that's his belief of what a wife should do, or what the counsellor suggested) and now he isn't getting any support. He might have even suspected that she wouldn't give support and he can then say "I am right, my wife isn't supporting me". He can also confront her and tell her "you aren't supporting me and yet you should" - all of this is saying "I am right".

Alternatively, he can tell her that he really wants support in this case and that he would like her to come along. He can tell her that he did expect that she would offer it automatically and was hurt when she didn't. Then they (hopefully) start a conversation of learning and discover why they aren't thinking the same in this situation.

A good book that I suggest all married couples to read (heck, for that matter, everybody) is
http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014028852X

Well said!

 

[akescpt]

from what i have read it seems not many people here have relationships with the in-laws family

cause if something happened to my SO family i would be there in a flash

and same with friends ...

so is this normal with alot of you that you tend to stay away from family in that case or something like that

wait till you married then reality will hit! lol. we have good relationships both sides. in todays life its easy to get isolated though.

 

[I.am.Sam]

wait till you married then reality will hit! lol. we have good relationships both sides. in todays life its easy to get isolated though.

haha no no i also hate going to family gathering and stuff but at the moment i have a good relationship with the SO immediate family

and the isolation yeah everyone has they issues aka money issues and stuff

 

[zippy]

You need to think about why you asking mybb and not your wife.

Not communicating in a marriage is the first sign that it won't last.

 

[Sinbad]

You need to think about why you asking mybb and not your wife.

Not communicating in a marriage is the first sign that it won't last.

True, however I think in this case the OP wanted to get an idea whether he had unrealistic expectations. I think that's fair enough, assuming it's then used as a base for communicating with his wife. If things are a little bit shaky, the last thing you want to do is charge in expecting unrealistic actions...

 

[b_crazy]

Men always complain that women expect them to be able to read their (women's) minds. It just so happens that this role has been reversed here. It's not that she refused, you just didn't say anything.

 

[ebendl]

I love going to my inlaws - they are truly family to me. One of the main reasons why I am staying in SA is because of them - even though I could have gone to the US. My wife, on the other hand, find my side of the family less enjoyable/tolerable. My mom was the same with my dad's side - I wonder if this is generally the case?

In either case, I would also expect my wife to be there when something happens to my side of the family, and she was there when my mom died (took leave and everything).

EDIT: We did discuss a lot of it, though!