Marriage expectations

Sergey said:
Been married 6 years, something terrible happened in my family earlier today. Is it wrong to expect my wife to accompany to visit my family who experienced this traumatic ordeal. She didn't even offer, just allowed me to go alone. Even though it's on my side of the famil, is it too much to support her husband? Am I being over sensitive?
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Dude something is definitely not right there. Maybe you guys are having marriage problems you don't know about yet?

Sounds like she just doesn't care.
 
Why would I even have to ask, i feel it should just be no brainer. well, for me if rolls were reversed, and mind you they have been before, I just pick her up and go with to her family to be there for her
 
Sergey said:
Why would I even have to ask, i feel it should just be no brainer. well, for me if rolls were reversed, and mind you they have been before, I just pick her up and go with to her family to be there for her
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That's how you feel. If everybody felt exactly the same way, we wouldn't have any problems in this world. Instead, we see things differently.

If you don't want to talk to your wife about this, YOU are creating a rift which could blow up in the future - and your wife would not even know why. Get it out there man.
 
We have been seeing a councilor, and last week discussed this exact topic, one of support, and that's why I didn't ask her to come. If she listened to anything at all in our session with the councilor, she would not for one minute hesitate to be by my side. Even after she agreed and owned up that she has not given me the support I have wanted or needed in other things in my life like my business. Yet when a perfect opportunity presents itself like this, to be with me, she completely misses it...
 
Sergey said:
We have been seeing a councilor, and last week discussed this exact topic, one of support, and that's why I didn't ask her to come. If she listened to anything at all in our session with the councilor, she would not for one minute hesitate to be by my side. Even after she agreed and owned up that she has not given me the support I have wanted or needed in other things in my life like my business. Yet when a perfect opportunity presents itself like this, to be with me, she completely misses it...
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You my friend are a little beetch! So sensitive, if you want your wife there tell her to get in the car wtf is wrong with all these metrosexuals these days. If she has to go see the in-laws she'll bloody well have to. If she doesn't offer you tell her she has to go if she refuses you start a massive fight and have it out like a normal married couple. You tell her about the times you have to put up with her family so she must just do it and klaar. Skel, shout, scream, fight its normal... if she loves you she'll stay and fight with and against you but stay she will!
 
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People react differently to situations,she probably does not feel comfortable and well it is something that you and ur fam should deal with(not saying she doesn't want to support you,possibly doesn't know how to deal with the situation).Ask her to accompany you if you want her by your side.
 
She could have offered . . . just as easily as you could have asked.
 
Vegeta said:
You my friend are a little beetch! So sensitive, if you want your wife there tell her to get in the car wtf is wrong with all these metrosexuals these days. If she has to go see the in-laws she'll bloody well have to. If she doesn't offer you tell her she has to go if she refuses you start a massive fight and have it out like a normal married couple. You tell her about the times you have to put up with her family so she must just do it and klaar. Skel, shout, scream, fight its normal
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Sheeesh, are you married?

The most important lesson I learnt I my marriage of 3+ years so far is that I can be right, or I can have a good marriage. I.e., in Sergey's situation, he can expect his wife to automatically pick up that he wants support (perhaps because that's his belief of what a wife should do, or what the counsellor suggested) and now he isn't getting any support. He might have even suspected that she wouldn't give support and he can then say "I am right, my wife isn't supporting me". He can also confront her and tell her "you aren't supporting me and yet you should" - all of this is saying "I am right".

Alternatively, he can tell her that he really wants support in this case and that he would like her to come along. He can tell her that he did expect that she would offer it automatically and was hurt when she didn't. Then they (hopefully) start a conversation of learning and discover why they aren't thinking the same in this situation.

A good book that I suggest all married couples to read (heck, for that matter, everybody) is
http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014028852X
 
satanboy said:
NOBODY has to do ANYTHING they don't want to.
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Everyone needs to compromise. You can't have it all your way. Give and take... Sometimes you bite the bullet because you are needed, even though you'd rather not.
 
Sinbad said:
Everyone needs to compromise. You can't have it all your way. Give and take... Sometimes you bite the bullet because you are needed, even though you'd rather not.
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Don't read to much into it. You don't have to take that statement seriously if you don't want to
 
Sinbad said:
Everyone needs to compromise. You can't have it all your way. Give and take... Sometimes you bite the bullet because you are needed, even though you'd rather not.
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I do things my way and you do them your way. It has been working for me for over 20 years of marriage and we are very happy.

I never fake my feelings.
 
ebendl said:
Sheeesh, are you married?
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Yes I wouldn't be giving advice if I didn't know what I was talking about. Been together 10years now.
My wife tells me to STFU when she needs to and I don't act like a little boy that needs counseling I'm a grow-ass man for crying out loud. We play, we fight we're best friends you don't tip-toe around your friends. So don't tip toe with your wife cause she's your best friend
 
Sergey said:
We have been seeing a councilor, and last week discussed this exact topic, one of support, and that's why I didn't ask her to come. If she listened to anything at all in our session with the councilor, she would not for one minute hesitate to be by my side. Even after she agreed and owned up that she has not given me the support I have wanted or needed in other things in my life like my business. Yet when a perfect opportunity presents itself like this, to be with me, she completely misses it...
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So there are problems already...

That explains her actions a bit better, but still does not make it right.

her mistake - not thinking
your mistake - not asking
 
satanboy said:
I do things my way and you do them your way. It has been working for me for over 20 years of marriage and we are very happy.

I never fake my feelings.
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+1 I'll go with you but i'll tell you i'm only going because you nagged and I wanted you to SU and she'll do the same. And that's fine you don't need a therapist now all of a sudden.
 
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Second the theory about compromise. Compromise, Communication and Carnal knowledge :) Three C's. Sometimes the third one is mistaken for Children, but it's a chicken and egg thing...

I am married for 9 years and we both still love it. Children and all.

I suggest the OP tries at least two.
 
roadcat said:
Second the theory about compromise. Compromise, Communication and Carnal knowledge :) Three C's. Sometimes the third one is mistaken for Children, but it's a chicken and egg thing...

I am married for 9 years and we both still love it. Children and all.

I suggest the OP tries at least two.
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Communication I think is the most important. It is often too easy to just let things go rather than to talk about it. At the end of the day, if things end up in counselling, what happens is nothing more than forced communication with the therapist as instigator. I for one don't like confrontation and I forgive and forget and don't hold grudges, where my wife is quite the opposite. So just taking the blame and moving on seems easier. I have since learnt to voice my opinion and communicate more which makes a helluva difference. I think OP also avoids confrontation, thus avoids communicating his feelings. Compromise is important but you have to know why and what and why your partner values certain compromises, and vice versa.
 
If she went out partying, random night out, not a special occasion, she is doing something behind your back.
I'm not married, but if she cares about you and your dad did nothing to her or dislikes her you really have issues in your marriage.
 
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