No intimacy in relationship

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unsure

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Hi forum,

I'm a regular poster on these forums and so have created this new username to post a sensitive question.

I've been in this relationship for almost three years, living together now going on one year. I really love this girl and she seems to love me too. But I have to admit, there must be a problem, as here I am on a Friday night posting this on a forum for some opinions :(

When we first started going out we were both into each other, intimate and sexually. We were happy together. It has decreased over time but only from her side. I always like to hold her but she does not do the same for me. Sex is almost non-existent. Once every 4 - 6 weeks and that is after much convincing... I always seem to initiate or even have to ask directly. Things are stressful at work for both of us, but i'm happy-go-lucky and dont let work get in the way of my relationship. This is more than just simply sex, its also about being intimate: she does not respond but more importantly its always coming from my side. I try to discuss it with her but it is very tense and i get told that she is stressed at the moment and my timing is never great...? I have not cheated on her... yet. But i am feeling hurt, frustrated and that I am wasting time with someone who can't reciprocate the feelings or sexual needs.. It started off great in the beginning, sex-wise, I couldn't keep up with her libido but now its the total opposite. What happened to her being attracted to me? I love her and am trying to make this work but something has died in the last year. I'm 28 and she is 26. I am feeling I should end it, but how and after three years and sharing a house.... or take a break?...

anyone in or been in a similar situation?

sigh....
 
Last edited:
Is the blog feature broken lately? Or is it just one guy trolling us all massively with the recent deluge of all these "I've created a new alt just for my relationship question olololo" questions?

Let's see how this pans out, boys and girls.
 
Tough one bro!

I'd say dump her and move on.
Most of these things have a time limit on them, you had fun now its time to move on and be happy with your life.
 
Communication: Speak to her and share your feelings with her whether she wants to hear it or not.

If communication is dead in your relationship then your relationship is dead, period.

unsure said:
I have not cheated on her... yet.
Click to expand...

And this says a lot.

End the relationship and move on. Perhaps after a break you guys might be ready to try again.
 
I was in the exact same situation recently.
In the end she didn't even want me to hold or touch her.
Then she told me we should just be friends while I loved her with all my heart and was busy saving for a ring.
It still hurts like a bullet through the heart.

Best end the relationship and move on. At least before you cheat on her.
Everything in your original post points to that your current relationship is coming to an end.

If you really love her and want to spend your life with her.
Then go for couples NOW. Like in Monday or else it might be to late.
Sometimes a professional will help get communication started again.

My 2c.
 
Shes just not that into you anymore. At 26 thats the only thing it can be. Maybe try to be more romantic and spontaneous? If after several efforts she still doesnt respond then its best to move on.
 
AfricanTech said:
Maybe she wants you to pop the question?
Click to expand...

Could be.she maby thinks you dont want to marry her,now shes distancing herself.you said this happened in the last year?havnt you only been living together for the last year?

just as an extra pointer-now might not be the best time to ask her.

Go for couples councelling if you cant communicate.
 
Griz said:
Tough one bro!

I'd say dump her and move on.
Most of these things have a time limit on them, you had fun now its time to move on and be happy with your life.
Click to expand...

A time limit? Are you 10?

Relationships have their ups and downs (sorry about that OP) and this may just be a down. Or she is getting it elsewhere. Or you just don't do it for her any more. Or she just isn't into sex as much at the moment, women tend to have these moments.
 
I'm assuming she's on the pill? Some can seriously fcck up a women's libido. Talk to her about it.
 
ClintX said:
A time limit? Are you 10?

Relationships have their ups and downs (sorry about that OP) and this may just be a down. Or she is getting it elsewhere. Or you just don't do it for her any more. Or she just isn't into sex as much at the moment, women tend to have these moments.
Click to expand...

I agree with Clint here, sounds like she might be getting it elsewhere.

Her not wanting to be intimate could be a manifestation of her guilt. Does she seem irritable of weird things at all?

However there is something you should take into account, stress dampens the sex drive. I find if I'm stressed my testosterone levels drop and so does my libido. So when I get stressed I take test boosters, it helps a lot. I keep my muscle mass and I stay happy, my sex drive stays on par with a 16yr old version of me :D

Maybe get her a lady vitamin like optiwoman. That might bring her sex drive back if its being affected by stress or lack of libido hormones.

But yeah sometimes relationships do have expiration dates, so if your brave enough bring it up with her. Ask her if she doesn't feel the same anymore and ask if she wants to separate. This will make her confront herself logically and you'll be able to see if she still wants you or not.


Do not try the time out thing. You'll just obsess about what she is doing with other guys and it will gnaw at you. Just don't.

Another thing, are you being like a pining puppy? Woman hate that. You must keep the power in the relationship like a wolf. I don't mean be a misogynist, but be firm, assertive, powerful. Women love that, just don't over do it. Women get tired of men who are submissive and weak. Every now and then you have to show some fire and steel.


I would say this:

Look we need to talk. I feel like this relationship is struggling, it seems as though our intimacy has faded and I need to know is this what you want? Do you think we should continue our relationship?

I love you but the thing is I also want to feel close to you and its hard when it feels like your pushing me away.

How do you feel about this?


If she gives you a runaround that's convoluted like say: I don't know, I'm so confused etc.

Then make the hard choice, she will just use that as a buffer to making her choice. Be strong and decisive. Don't fold on your decisions.

Be strong and she will respect your strength as a man, if you wimp out and beg she will wonder why she is with a boy.

Now I know some people are gonna call me a chauvinist, but hey deal with it, its the truth. We are here to help this dude.


OP I went through something similar once, trust me you don't want to make the mistakes I did. I know its horrible.
 
Couples counselling for a 3 year old relationship? If you need counselling this early on that should be a sign to move on.
 
I went through the same thing a few months ago. I sat her down and told her that we could not go on like that. We been going steady for almost three years, but something was clearly missing. It's tough, but you can't go soft in situations like these, I just broke it off and started fresh. Her attitude in the mean time has changed but I am not willing to take her back....ok not just yet anyway, but it's sometimes good to make a clean break. Like they say in Afrikaans...Moet nie van jou hart n leeukuil maak nie...TALK!!!
 
Talk to her - communication is the key factor in all relationships. Without it, its doomed. Its not a good sign that you would rather talk about it on a open forum than with the woman you are living with.
 
Keep at least 3 or 4 relationships going then shag the best one.
 
Thanks for the feedback

Based on some of the opinions, here is some more info.

Communication - she does not express herself all the time whereas I am quite chatty. So she is more reserved than me depending on her mood and situation. I usually don't ask how her day went etc, as I always get "fine" no elaborations. I have sat her down a few times before over the course of the last few years and brought up these same issues with her, her replies are, either my timing is bad [she having rough time at work - friend died, etc] [which I hardly know because she does not discuss these things or keeps them bottled up], or I am over-reacting, or I don't understand her, how must she do differently , or 'You guys always have sex on the brain." This last one really gets me pissed off, cuz looking back she was who had a higher libido than me, irony.

I am not sure she is able to handle stress,as they are restructuring at work and I guess she feels she might be let go. But sex and intimacy relieves stress, and the lack of it has been going on way before the work problems. We are financing a place together, so its not like I can just move on overnight. She is not the same bright, bubbly, adventurous person I fell in love with; like passing ships in the night. How does one cancel 3 years of relationship...

Its not the pill, she has been on that since before we were involved and her drive was higher than mine back then. Is she cheating? I don't know. nothing out of the ordinary and I don't want to be paranoid and stalk her either, we both adults. Am i cheating? no. I say not yet, because I do have girls constantly flirting with me. One of my close female friends told me to give her up as there are other girls who would kill to be with me and treat me better. She knows the situation and, no, I am not sleeping with her.

Popping the question... we discussed it and agreed we not ready to take that step.

This morning, woke up, had breakfast, not one word from her, not a good morning, but i got an sms saying she is out with the girls shopping. As Rockhound said, she doesn't hold me or make an effort, I have to do it, I have to ask...

So, yeah, she is a great girl and attractive but these low points are too long and too often, i'm doing all the communicating.... the things we do the most together = work through the expenses and pay the bills together.

Thanks for the feedback. I know what I must do but it is not going to be easy. I don't want to waste anymore time with someone who can't reciprocate. I don't know how this turned like this, because she was a loving, sensual person, now it feel like we are work colleagues living together being polite.

:?
 
That sounds like she's cheating on you dude.

Get a key logger, put it on her pc. Add an exception on her AV for it. Don't want it popping up. Get her email add, fb login and password.

I know some people are gonna bitch and moan about this, but if she is cheating this is a good way to find out. Trust me if he isn't you don't want her to think that you think she is, she will use that as artillery shells in her emotional warfare.

Its simple, no one gets hurt and if I'm wrong maybe you'll find she has told her friends the reasons why she's acting up. If not jut forget about it and don't invade her privacy further. Maybe troll her account just a little.

PM me if you need help.
 
Just some random questions:

Maybe boring routine?

Tried rekindle the spark?

Are you doing things for her?

Is she happy?

Are you doing something that is causing this?

Funny to see how most here would go QUIT at first sign of a speed bump in the road. However not totally unexpected. Nowadays everything must be instant gratification without any work from either party. One should however not be in a relationship that goes nowhere, but that doesn't mean head out at first "issue".

All couples gets to a point where things needs to be re-evaluated. Some earlier than others and this can cause " no sex ", " divorce " or " can't get along " points.

Best is that it is always the girl that is the issue, what if the OP is the issue? No woman is just going to spread and **** to put it blunt. Your partner normally " acts up " when something is amiss. The question is are you smart to see this? or are you smart to work it out?

Just because the sex has dropped doesn't mean it is ZOMG SHE IS CHEATING !!!!!!!!!
 
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