Parenting failure

[Carol35]

Im so sorry but this is going to be long. I think today was my lowest low of being a parent, I have never in my life felt I was a failure at being a mother but today was it. I don't know why I'm posting this tonight in light of the other Glenvista debacle(nothing to do with us btw) but I found out yesterday my boy child was expelled from his hostel and today, we have been asked to find a another school to educate him for the rest of the year. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement and I went and cried in the loo at work like a 12yr old for 30 mins. He broke a stringent rule at the hostel where no exceptions are made(understandably) and the school feels there is nothing more they can do for him. His walks to the beat of his own drum and doesn't follow rules, acts without consequences, doesn't complete tasks asked of him etc etc.

Don't get me wrong, he is nothing like the Glenvista boy, he is incredibly compassionate, likeable and a happy go lucky but that seems to be his downfall. He does shyte without thinking and when he gets into trouble for it, he is a deer in the spotlight with a "what did I do" look on his face. At this stage of the year, I'm besides myself. I actually feel like we are standing in glue, I honestly don't know where to turn. He hasn't been formally expelled from the school so my mom is going to make an impassioned plea tomorrow for them to just allow him to finish the year (grade10) so that we can get him to do a trade next year but apparently they were pretty adament that he is not welcome back after holidays. I don't believe there is any school that will take him at this time of year. If he drops out now, college type school will not be an option as I know he will never open a book etc. I've made no secret here of the face that he is not very academically inclined. He is not stupid, has no learning disability but he is just not interested.

I don't know if anyone else here has raised a "difficult" child with success, we are desperate to get him educated to some degree but we seem to fail at every turn. I don't know how to get it to sink in that life is about rules and we have to follow most of them to get ahead in life kwim? He doesn't seem to get it and just smiles and cuddles me saying all will be good when I try talk to him seriously.

Small examples of the stuff he has done recently: mother wakes in the middle of the night and sees her car is missing, she panics and calls the police, the sons waltzes in a short time later without a care in the world, a friend needed a ride so he borrowed the car...he will only be 17 next week and then he was all " huh..what's the matter, what I do??" Wtf???? Hostel tell him he is not allowed to throw a rugby ball in his dorm, they catch him a few days later with the ball in the dorm so they confiscate the ball. A few days after that, the bright spark decides to toss his shoe around the dorm because he has no ball, breaks the bloody light fitting on the ceiling...etc, I could go on...lots of small stuff that has just eventually added up I guess. (He wasn't expelled for breaking the light btw).

Any constructive advice for any potential way to move forward would be most welcome from any seasoned parent....and not boys town or the likes as he is not criminally minded, and no Abzo, he doesn't smoke pot, do steriods or anything like that before you ask .

The cherry on my pitiful cake, I haven't told the husband about today's events, he is still comming to terms with the hostel saga from yesterday that I just couldn't do it when I got home tonight. He is going to have a heart attack I'm sure. Totally freak out.

TL/DR: parenting is not for sissies.

 

[reactor_sa]

Parents, beat those kids!

(parenting advice from Russel Peters)

 

[Carol35]

Parents, beat those kids!

(parenting advice from Russel Peters)

Lol, he is very familiar with the belt, he wouldn't know what a naughty corner is if I asked him.
Sadly, when your child stands 2 heads taller than you, you have to change strategy.

 

[Seriously]

Sorry to hear about your problem. Best is to get professional help that you would not find here on MyBB easily unless there are someone that can PM you details to make contact. I have four kids and they all turned out different re school commitments. Friends play a major roll in it all and the fact that any form of corporate punishment is taboo. It's all a balancing act! Life suck sometimes but NEVER give up on the child. Be firm but collected and maybe some form of showing your disappointment like removing some privileges. Get someone to council him and make him understand that he is on the path of self destruction. There are not many second chances in life and he must realise it and understand the consequences before it's too late!

 

[reactor_sa]

Yeah, it's true that peer pressure is huge factor, I believe kids don't have as much independence/own identity as they used to. I'm not sure why this is.

 

[DerpiesFreud]

Military school

 

[Azbubu]

, and no Abzo, he doesn't smoke pot, do steriods or anything like that before you ask .

The first thought that came to mind when reading this thread was whether he was the same one you caught with weed

 

[lived666]

Lol, he is very familiar with the belt .

Well that didn't work out too good for you did it?


Why is he in a hostel and not living at home with his parents?

 

[nfbs]

Is this one of those exclusive private schools ?
Also depends on his culture. Some Indians boys can be naughty as hell.
If the father is absent, too strict or not involved in the son's life?

Kids who stay away from home i.e. in school hostel can be the biggest troublemakers as it their friends and environment, not you that bring them up and shape their identities. Punishment isn't going to help. You have to start being actively involved in his upbringing. It is going to be so much more difficult since he already has ingrained bad habits.

 

[Carol35]

The first thought that came to mind when reading this thread was whether he was the same one you caught with weed

Lol, it is! But I think that was just a experiment thing, he takes his health very seriously, works out, he is too vain to take drugs.

Yes, peer pressure is huge and his expulsion was group related but his general behavior is not, it's like something is short circuiting in his mind, he has no sense of responsibility...he literally just coasts along all calm and happy without a care in the world. I honestly don't have problems with him when he is home, he doesn't throw teen tantrums, not cheeky, respectful of his elders, in fact.. alot of people tell us he is an awesome kid and nice to have around. I don't know what it is about his schooling and just obeying rules, do his work he doesn't seem to understand. This is a long standing issue, we have had him assessed, he was on Ritalin but it didn't help him focus, his IQ is above average. I do feel disappointed he has once again let us down when he is so close to the end of his schooling. He honestly genuinely didnt think he was doing anything wrong when he took my mothers car..I mean...I don't know what to say actually!

 

[Outlaw]

I broke tons of stuff in school.
Fire hydrants, doors, windows, toilets, taps, chairs, tuck shop trolley, trees, the pond ... Was caught red handed in most cases.
Never got expelled.

 

[Carol35]

Is this one of those exclusive private schools ?
Also depends on his culture. Some Indians boys can be naughty as hell.
If the father is absent, too strict or not involved in the son's life?

Kids who stay away from home i.e. in school hostel can be the biggest troublemakers as it their friends and environment, not you that bring them up and shape their identities. Punishment isn't going to help. You have to start being actively involved in his upbringing. It is going to be so much more difficult since he already has ingrained bad habits.

Nope, it's a normal school. And we sent him to a boarding school after all else failed and we thought the structure,routine and discipline would benefit him. We both work so I couldn't be with him 24/7 to make sure he was doing all he was supposed to. If we didn't try, we wouldn't have known if it would be good for him or not.

Lived, i'm not going to justify the fact that we are spankers. We all parent differently. We didn't send him away to boarding school because we gave up on him or didn't want him around, we did it simply because we love him and thought it would be best!

 

[LazyLion]

Massive Intervention and Radical Life Change are needed. But the question is are you willing to do what it takes? As someone said above you need to get involved in his life again and basically retrain him from the ground up. It sounds like he has no anchors in his life. Who are his parental figures? You? His father? How active and present have you been in his life up to this point? Are you willing to admit that you have failed as far as discipline goes? You will probably have to retrain yourselves as you go along in order to retrain him.

Give up your job and go live on a farm somewhere in the Karoo or some other remote place. Spend every day with him at your side breaking your backs together and teach him what are the most important things in life. It might mean doing without a lot of comforts, but those are kind of irrelevant to your situation now anyway.

If you are not willing to go to those lengths to help him find a real Anchor in his life, then you might as well give up and write him off right now.

 

[Lycanthrope]

Well that didn't work out too good for you did it?

Would like to find one person that this has ever worked on, where it didn't just have the complete opposite effect of what was intended.

Why is he in a hostel and not living at home with his parents?

I'd like to know this too. I can only think parents with these sorts of kids (good at heart, but do stupid things) don't communicate enough with their kids, don't try to reason with them on a level that they understand so that they can grasp the consequences of their actions and understand how their actions affect those around them.

I can only assume some parents (and I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with Carol) think that everyone else (schools, teachers, friends, the world, etc) will teach their children morality, consequence and be involved in their lives.

 

[DrJohnZoidberg]

Massive Intervention and Radical Life Change are needed. But the question is are you willing to do what it takes? As someone said above you need to get involved in his life again and basically retrain him from the ground up. It sounds like he has no anchors in his life. Who are his parental figures? You? His father? How active and present have you been in his life up to this point? Are you willing to admit that you have failed as far as discipline goes? You will probably have to retrain yourselves as you go along in order to retrain him.

Give up your job and go live on a farm somewhere in the Karoo or some other remote place. Spend every day with him at your side breaking your backs together and teach him what are the most important things in life. It might mean doing without a lot of comforts, but those are kind of irrelevant to your situation now anyway.

If you are not willing to go to those lengths to help him find a real Anchor in his life, then you might as well give up and write him off right now.

A MyBB intervention

We'll all get together in a room and wait for him to come home. Just make sure there is an open bar

 

[Centronix]

knock his lights out once and dare him to stuff up again.

A good start would be a weekend away. Go camping with him as a family. Do stuff together.

A friend took his son away for a weekend and they did competitive events with other families in the wild. They were forced to work together like partners sort of and she says their relationship is stronger.

You son needs to learn life skills

 

[lived666]

Lived, i'm not going to justify the fact that we are spankers. We all parent differently. We didn't send him away to boarding school because we gave up on him or didn't want him around, we did it simply because we love him and thought it would be best!

Looks like maybe you were wrong?

Maybe all the little issues that you mentioned were a cry for some attention, maybe he feels abandoned, and didn't understand your reasoning.

I never understand why people have kids and then send them away...for their own good, oh yeh, ok:erm:

Anyhow not enough info to actually give an opinion, hopefully you guys talk it out instead of trying to beat sense into the kid.

 

[RiaX]

what did he actually do to get expelled ?

 

[Carol35]

Looks like maybe you were wrong?

Maybe all the little issues that you mentioned were a cry for some attention, maybe he feels abandoned, and didn't understand your reasoning.

I never understand why people have kids and then send them away...for their own good, oh yeh, ok:erm:

Anyhow not enough info to actually give an opinion, hopefully you guys talk it out instead of trying to beat sense into the kid.

That's an incredibly horrible response. Alot of people send their kids to boarding school for different reasons. He gets ample attention, he doesn't feel abandoned, he is a weekly boarder and spends his weekends with my mom in an awesome town that he loves. He doesn't enjoy comming back to the city during school holidays. We make every effort to regularly travel up to see him and spend tome with him. And really, he hasn't had a hiding in many years, maybe that was our big mistake. Next time I'm out, will pop in at the library for the parenting manual 101 that I clearly forgot to read that tells us how to do everything right and be perfect parents.

 

[nfbs]

Your son took your car without a license and is under 18 and didn't care about the consequences after being caught out.
I am guessing the husband you refer to is not his father and you are remarried and it's stepfather as there is no way a kid would do that if he had a active father in his life.

Don't tell him what to do. Ask him what he wants to do. If he says he doesn't know or care or he wants to jol tell him he has to stay inside the house and may not leave at all or watch TV until he writes down everything what he is feeling, how he experienced what has occurred and what his hopes and dreams are. Tell him he isn't allowed to watch TV or leave the house until you have at least 5 pages written down. Then if he listens then sit with him afterwards and you go through with what he has written ,discuss with him and set up a plan and work off of that. Treat him like an adult.

If he doesn't listen in that case there is nothing you can do. The only way he will learn consequence is by himself and not by being told Let him fail early in life do drugs, knock up a girl, get arrested, whatever. He has to make a conscience decision to change but he hasn't reached that point of realizing there are consequences and he is still testing his limits.