Parenting failure

Carol35 said:
That's an incredibly horrible response. Alot of people send their kids to boarding school for different reasons. He gets ample attention, he doesn't feel abandoned, he is a weekly boarder and spends his weekends with my mom in an awesome town that he loves. He doesn't enjoy comming back to the city during school holidays. We make every effort to regularly travel up to see him and spend tome with him. And really, he hasn't had a hiding in many years, maybe that was our big mistake. Next time I'm out, will pop in at the library for the parenting manual 101 that I clearly forgot to read that tells us how to do everything right and be perfect parents.
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Read to the end:

Anyhow not enough info to actually give an opinion...

But from what you are saying looks like everything is hunky dory, oh wait, its not....... :confused:

Library's are so outdated.
 
Garyvdh said:
Massive Intervention and Radical Life Change are needed. But the question is are you willing to do what it takes? As someone said above you need to get involved in his life again and basically retrain him from the ground up. It sounds like he has no anchors in his life. Who are his parental figures? You? His father? How active and present have you been in his life up to this point? Are you willing to admit that you have failed as far as discipline goes? You will probably have to retrain yourselves as you go along in order to retrain him.

Give up your job and go live on a farm somewhere in the Karoo or some other remote place. Spend every day with him at your side breaking your backs together and teach him what are the most important things in life. It might mean doing without a lot of comforts, but those are kind of irrelevant to your situation now anyway.

If you are not willing to go to those lengths to help him find a real Anchor in his life, then you might as well give up and write him off right now.
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Thank you Gary, some food for thought. I wish it was as easy thou, as packing up and starting again but think I agree we need regroup somehow and start again. I don't know how or from where at this stage. This boy will make something of his life if it kills us.

For the record, we have successfully managed to produce 3 x girls, 2 of whom are already making their marks in the world and the little girl child currently a straight A student with not a days problem yet.
 
uhm what did he actually do to get expelled ? This must be quite serious for a school to expell a student.

Have you ever considered he is depressed ? and responds with rebellion and a lack of care. Most teenagers that suffer from depression are like this and they wear a mask of happiness. "no mom everything is good I love it here" but when they own their own their mind goes wild with thoughts and they do things to distract themselves from the inner deepest reality

used to see it all the time. You get these kids collecting their meds from psych and you wonder why they are depressed. So you pull up the reports from the psychiatrists and psychologists its amazing how well some of these kids can hide their mental state. Lots of them also feel extremely ashamed to tell anyone or they dont want to because people dont understand the disease.

Maybe thats why he doesnt care about the consequences of his actions as long as his actions are getting him noticed and make him feel good it doesnt matter. Perhaps seek a few therapy sessions with a child psychologist ?

EDIT:

the most important thing is not for you to consider yourself a failure of a parent. The minute you lose hope in your ability to be his mother is the day you will stop being his mother. Never give up there is always a solution.
 
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You are not a failed parent. He is a failed child. He will see it eventually. I just wish he had seen you crying in the toilet, but sadly that never seems to happen.

By virtue of the fact that you wrote this letter, you are doing your best as a mom. I am younger than you, so I can't offer any advice, but I wish you the best of luck sorting it all out. We can be real arzeholes sometimes.
 
lived666 said:
Read to the end:

Anyhow not enough info to actually give an opinion...

But from what you are saying looks like everything is hunky dory, oh wait, its not....... :confused:

Library's are so outdated.
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Thanks for taking the time to respond but your opinion will not be relevant to me now. I didnt really post for sarcasm and judgement, just some advice or encouragement that maybe, just maybe someone else here would say "you know what, my kid was also a little shyte but he turned out OK". I have already admitted we have done something wrong along the way, hence the thread title and obviously...its not hunky dory. :)
 
Carol35 said:
Thanks for taking the time to respond but your opinion will not be relevant to me now. I didnt really post for sarcasm and judgement, just some advice or encouragement that maybe, just maybe someone else here would say "you know what, my kid was also a little shyte but he turned out OK". I have already admitted we have done something wrong along the way, hence the thread title and obviously...its not hunky dory. :)
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Not a problem, been holding back anyhow.....

On a positive note, most of today's billionaires also flunked school and varsity, maybe he will join their ranks.

Don't bite Riax head off as well, he is just asking....:D
 
RiaX said:
uhm what did he actually do to get expelled ? This must be quite serious for a school to expell a student.

Have you ever considered he is depressed ? and responds with rebellion and a lack of care. Most teenagers that suffer from depression are like this and they wear a mask of happiness. "no mom everything is good I love it here" but when they own their own their mind goes wild with thoughts and they do things to distract themselves from the inner deepest reality

used to see it all the time. You get these kids collecting their meds from psych and you wonder why they are depressed. So you pull up the reports from the psychiatrists and psychologists its amazing how well some of these kids can hide their mental state. Lots of them also feel extremely ashamed to tell anyone or they dont want to because people dont understand the disease.

Maybe thats why he doesnt care about the consequences of his actions as long as his actions are getting him noticed and make him feel good it doesnt matter. Perhaps seek a few therapy sessions with a child psychologist ?

EDIT:

the most important thing is not for you to consider yourself a failure of a parent. The minute you lose hope in your ability to be his mother is the day you will stop being his mother. Never give up there is always a solution.
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Thanks Ria, he was expelled from his hostel, the school hasn't officially expelled him from the classroom but we were told/asked to please remove him from the school immediately. He was collected last night already. I don't really want to mention what he did but he broke hostel rules that are obviously in place for a reason. I understand that. I don't blame them.

I don't know if he is depressed, I have no experience with depressed people. I don't think he is. The only time I have seen a significant change in his personality was when he was on Ritalin for 3 months. He wasn't his usual self at all, it made him feel sick and he was just miserable. His school work showed no improvement nor classroom behavior so IMO, he was misdiagnosed as being ADD. (Officially diagnosed by an educational psychologist.)
 
Carol35 said:
Thanks for taking the time to respond but your opinion will not be relevant to me now. I didnt really post for sarcasm and judgement, just some advice or encouragement that maybe, just maybe someone else here would say "you know what, my kid was also a little shyte but he turned out OK". I have already admitted we have done something wrong along the way, hence the thread title and obviously...its not hunky dory. :)
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Ignore the @sses. I would like to hear his life story and how many kids he raised under what condition....or rather not.

Do not feel bad. He will turn out OK if he is a good child. Sounds not to bad from what you posted. Maybe he is screaming for attention but I would still be firm with him but make him realise it's done with love. Maybe it's time for a gap if you cannot resolve conditions at school then the best would be to bring him back and get him some help. Your son is not the only one we all have our problems. It's how you handle them that makes the difference. What your son needs now are some support and love but very strict limitations as well as counselling. I would address and confront the whole issue directly with the school master and boarding school and determine the real circumstances. Sometimes we do not know our kids are not real angels. There just may be something amiss.
 
bromster said:
You are not a failed parent. He is a failed child. He will see it eventually. I just wish he had seen you crying in the toilet, but sadly that never seems to happen.

By virtue of the fact that you wrote this letter, you are doing your best as a mom. I am younger than you, so I can't offer any advice, but I wish you the best of luck sorting it all out. We can be real arzeholes sometimes.
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Thanks so much, that's very sweet! But he is not a failed child, he is just different and a little more spirited than the norm I guess.
And damn straight, you can be real arzeholes sometimes but I know for certain I myself added a few gray hairs to my own mothers head! :p
 
Carol35 said:
Thanks Ria, he was expelled from his hostel, the school hasn't officially expelled him from the classroom but we were told/asked to please remove him from the school immediately. He was collected last night already. I don't really want to mention what he did but he broke hostel rules that are obviously in place for a reason. I understand that. I don't blame them.

I don't know if he is depressed, I have no experience with depressed people. I don't think he is. The only time I have seen a significant change in his personality was when he was on Ritalin for 3 months. He wasn't his usual self at all, it made him feel sick and he was just miserable. His school work showed no improvement nor classroom behavior so IMO, he was misdiagnosed as being ADD. (Officially diagnosed by an educational psychologist.)
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psycologist or psychiatrist ? Ive delt with a lot of depressed people.

Now I know you might be ashamed of what he did or you just dont want to tell us because it hurtful but its important you tell us because how are we going to offer constructive advice without detail ?

Now was he always like this or is this a new thing ? I take it he has been this way since puberty right ?

also how long ago did he stop the ritalin ? was his behavior the same before ritalin, during ritalin and after cessation of ritalin ?

EDIT:

for any parents reading this. Do not put your child on ritalin unles a person with the qualification "MbChB FC Psych" says so
 
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RiaX said:
psycologist or psychiatrist ? Ive delt with a lot of depressed people.

Now I know you might be ashamed of what he did or you just dont want to tell us because it hurtful but its important you tell us because how are we going to offer constructive advice without detail ?

Now was he always like this or is this a new thing ? I take it he has been this way since puberty right ?

also how long ago did he stop the ritalin ? was his behavior the same before ritalin, during ritalin and after cessation of ritalin ?

EDIT:

for any parents reading this. Do not put your child on ritalin unles a person with the qualification "MbChB FC Psych" says so
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Oh god, the judgement is thundering in my ears already :p ...he drank alcohol at hostel with a group of boys during the week in the middle of his exams. (Abzo, not a word!! :p ) This was the straw the broke the camels back. It was one of the boys birthday and they thought it was a great way to celebrate. In his defence, he was not drunk, falling over, wasn't aggressive or acting like an idiot, i confirmed this with the housemaster...the outcome would have been the same regardless if he drank 1 bottle of brandy or a sip of beer. ( he claims he had half a glass of some unpronounceable stuff, obviously something cheap.)

Regarding the Ritalin, he was diagnosed by the Ed psychologist. On her recommendation, the Ritalin was administered by the education department and his teacher. He has been this way his entire life. Actions before thinking. He has always underachieved at school.
 
LOL ... he went drinking with his buddies ? SO ?!? this is what boys do. I did the same in high school. I got a tertiary qualification (B-Pharm) and im getting MMDSC Pharmaceutical chemistry soon. For a school to expell on this grounds is utterly ridiculous. A suspension perhaps but not an expulsion.

Next the ritalin. He may be an under achiever because A) he is simply not intelligent - sorry or B) academia might not be his forte or C) He has ADHD

Now this really gets my goat. WHO THE **** does the teacher think they are to recommend a schedule 6 drug reserved for specialist doctors only to a student ? This really pisses me off. Sometimes when parents tell me this I feel like driving to the school and slapping the damn teachers silly. ONLY A PSYCHIATRIST MAY ADVISE YOU ON RITALIN FOR YOUR CHILD END OF STORY NO IFS NO BUTS
 
Carol35 said:
he drank alcohol at hostel with a group of boys during the week in the middle of his exams.
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In my day that got you 6 lashes from the headmaster & probably a few more when you got home. I suppose lashes are no longer an option so they use what's available to them.
 
ponder said:
In my day that got you 6 lashes from the headmaster & probably a few more when you got home. I suppose lashes are no longer an option so they use what's available to them.
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same. Sjoe I collected hiding at school and at home for naughty things D: ...
 
RiaX said:
LOL ... he went drinking with his buddies ? SO ?!? this is what boys do. I did the same in high school. I got a tertiary qualification (B-Pharm) and im getting MMDSC Pharmaceutical chemistry soon. For a school to expell on this grounds is utterly ridiculous. A suspension perhaps but not an expulsion.

Next the ritalin. He may be an under achiever because A) he is simply not intelligent - sorry or B) academia might not be his forte or C) He has ADHD

Now this really gets my goat. WHO THE **** does the teacher think they are to recommend a schedule 6 drug reserved for specialist doctors only to a student ? This really pisses me off. Sometimes when parents tell me this I feel like driving to the school and slapping the damn teachers silly. ONLY A PSYCHIATRIST MAY ADVISE YOU ON RITALIN FOR YOUR CHILD END OF STORY NO IFS NO BUTS
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Sorry to imply it was a teacher, the psychologist was independent from the school, he went for a full assessment, cost us a small fortune and he was there for a few hours daily over a period of days. She sent the report the school, the Ed department dropped off a 3 month supply of Ritalin and it was administered by his teacher. After the 3 months, the was no improvement in his behavior nor his school work besides the fact, it effected his character, no longer generally happy but plain miserable and nausea. Because of it doing nothing to help, I refused for him to continue on it. This was 3 years ago. Lol, I wish he was simply not intelligent but his IQ score was above average. He's not really hyper so not sure about ADHD. I think he just cant tolerate school, rules, and dare I say it, authority. :)

I guess it does seem trivial but I guess if they don't make an example of boys drinking at hostel, they will all be running off to the bottle store on their town day, coming back pissed! I understand that. The son knows the rules, in fact, he should have known better.
 
well I can understand making an example. Though how can you expect a child to learn and grow if you going to give the student a harsh penalty that they absolutely cannot recover from ? This makes so sense as you are damaging the child's future. This is not what an education department should be doing. Their job is to educate and education extends further than mathematics biology and physics.

EDIT:

and why were you crying that your boy went drinking ? did you not do crazy things when you were young ? yes different day and age and all that blah blah stories but at the end of the day a child is curious and will be curious for a long time.

I could say in my school and varsity days I could be labelled a drug addict, an alcoholic and a mad man. Today im a professional and im a damn good one :D
 
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The problem is you keep defending his actions Carol. If he takes the car its ok he had a friend in need. If he trows a ball its ok he can always use his shoe. He can drink at school, its ok it was a friends birthday.
What i am trying to get at is that your not teaching him cause & affect, his actions has to have consequences. If i took the car i would have been donered same goes for the drinking.
Sometimes we need to teach our children that its not right to do certain things.
Perhaps this is a good time now for your son to learn that. If i may ask is he going to be in trouble for the drinking or are you going to let it slide like the car? Maybe now is the time to be firm before its to late?
Deep down you know he messed up, thats why you didnt tell your husband & tell us from the start what he did.
 
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Rules are rules - if the kid was drinking on school - and the parents and kid knew that these rules are enforced - then what else should the school do? Give the child a free pass?

If so. Does that give the rest of the kids free reign to drink on school and then to just have the parents come in and say, "In his defence, he was not drunk, falling over, wasn't aggressive or acting like an idiot, i confirmed this with the housemaster...the outcome would have been the same regardless if he drank 1 bottle of brandy or a sip of beer."

See, I don't have an issue with the kid partying it up - I'm all for being a liberal, rebellious person, expressing yourself, yada-yada.
But if the kuk comes your way - you'll have to deal with it.
The kind of attitude to let it slide sets him up for always thinking he can get an easy ride - and in today's world, that could be destrcutive.

I wonder what the rest of the conservative crowd would have to say - those people whom go up in arms for speedsters on the road and lash out at those trying to get out of fines, etc.

Anyway - when I drank the occasional beer on school premises - it was right at the principal's office.
Trick is - don't get caught.
Its part of my Cop Dodger classes I offer.

Can't do the time - don't do the crime or whavtever :rolleyes:

I mean no ill will to you or your kid Carol - but if he'd already been testing the limits of the camel's back - then yourself along with the school may be at wits end. Thereby now resulting in having to part ways.

Fight the good fight and I hope everything works out for the best.
 
Besides the supposed adhd that the head doc missdiagnosed, did the person find any other learning difficulties or issues?
 
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