Please help :( i dont know what to do anymore

Stillie

Stillie

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hi forumites,

Please can you help me. This is the situation:

I am married with an 8 year old daughter and my wife, on Friday last week told me she doesnt know if she still wants to be with me after dating for 12 years and married for 3 as of 1st Feb. Our "Relationship anniversary" was on Wednesday.

Wednesday I needed to get out the house for a bit after having an argument, i went for a walk for about an hour and half and when i got back my wife had called all my friends to see if i was there or they had seen me, this was at about 1930 that i went for a walk.

When i got back one of my closest friends and his wife was at my place and my wife told me to go stay with them for a couple days because she needs space. Which i did and its been getting harder and harder to cope with life. Im not talking about suicide or anything, just battling on a day to day basis. My friends that know whats going on have been amazing and so supportive, i would hate to imagine what it would be like with out this support.

Anyway i noticed a decline in her happiness and stuff since about Oct last year and i have constantly asked her about it trying to find out what the problem is and if its something we can work through. We have been through so much cr ap over our relationship its amazing that we have even lasted this long. Anyway! There has been this work colleague that she works with thats her friend and we have had him over for a couple braais and as time went on i started having friends ask me about whats happening with them, do i see whats going on and stuff like that. I have noticed that she is really friendly with him, the one braai it made it really awkward with everyone there. Not touching or anything like that, just kept to themselves most of the night. Now i trust her so i didnt think anything of it at the time, but when my friends started asking me about it, i started questioning it and i confronted her about it. She said no they just really good friends ect etc.

Now its on the 3rd day that i have not been home, seen my wife nor my daughter. I called last night to talk to my daughter and f*** was it so hard to keep it together on the phone with my daughter that i had to cut it short.

Her reason for needing the space is that she wants to figure things out and be alone. We have been together since she was 16 and i was 18 and she said: i just sat one day and thought about how tied down ive been for so long and what it would feel like to be on my own. Then i started getting unhappy coz i wanted to know."

I seriously have the feeling this is it, we are over, she just hasnt come to the realisation.

Please help! i dont know what to do anymore, i miss my girls so much and dont know how long i can go on like this. Thankfully though i get to see my daughter tonight for the weekend.:cry:
 
why must you leave when she needs space. put her out. wtf haven't you been to see your daughter. no matter whats happening with you two, she takes priority. put on your big boy pants and go back home.

friends se moer. single work colleagues of the opposite sex shouldn't be invited over for social time. work is work. married couples i can still understand but single opposite sex. nee boeta.
 
akescpt said:
why must you leave when she needs space. put her out. wtf haven't you been to see your daughter. no matter whats happening with you two, she takes priority. put on your big boy pants and go back home.

friends se moer. single work colleagues of the opposite sex shouldn't be invited over for social time. work is work. married couples i can still understand but single opposite sex. nee boeta.
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its not that she has prevented me from seeing my daughter, i am just giving her the space she needs and plus its been school etc
 
Sorry to hear this Stillie. Strongs Brother.

Some things you MUST understand and remember:

This pain WILL end.
There ARE other fish in the sea.
Not every lid fits every pot and forcing them together never ends well.
It is better for a child to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.

You guys got together very young. Same situation for my ex wife and I. Spent many years regretting our decision to get married early. Always felt like I had lost out on the opportunity to explore. That regret never went away. It led me down some regrettable paths.

From the brief outline of your situation - I'd say somethings up with you SO and her colleague. Maybe not sex or a sideline romance at this point. But something is up.
How often do you have intimacy a month (average). And who initiates this? You or her mostly?
 
skeptic_SA said:
Sorry to hear this Stillie. Strongs Brother.

Some things you MUST understand and remember:

This pain WILL end.
There ARE other fish in the sea.
Not every lid fits every pot and forcing them together never ends well.
It is better for a child to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.

You guys got together very young. Same situation for my ex wife and I. Spent many years regretting our decision to get married early. Always felt like I had lost out on the opportunity to explore. That regret never went away. It led me down some regrettable paths.

From the brief outline of your situation - I'd say somethings up with you SO and her colleague. Maybe not sex or a sideline romance at this point. But something is up.
How often do you have intimacy a month (average). And who initiates this? You or her mostly?
Click to expand...

intimacy has been lacking for a long time, sometimes not for a couple months at a time, and i have been trying to talk to her about it but its always "tired" "got a lot on my mind" "not in the mood" etc and when it did happen it always felt like she wasnt really interested and it was always me initiating which in turn made me not feel wanted.

EDIT: im also not the guy to wham bam thank you ma'am i make sure she has been pleasured
 
Stillie said:
its not that she has prevented me from seeing my daughter, i am just giving her the space she needs and plus its been school etc
Click to expand...

been school?

Also, it's because you give in to her demands. F### that, go home.
 
Stillie said:
She sleeps at 7 etc dont want to mess with the routine, i want things to be as normal as possible considering
Click to expand...

wtf man you not home. things couldnt be more abnormal. go home.

the lack of intimacy is not good. is she being totally honest about this colleague. the body needs to be serviced. if its not you....

go home for your daughters sake. if she still needs space, tell her to go find some.
 
Stillie said:
hi forumites,

Please can you help me. This is the situation:

I am married with an 8 year old daughter and my wife, on Friday last week told me she doesnt know if she still wants to be with me after dating for 12 years and married for 3 as of 1st Feb. Our "Relationship anniversary" was on Wednesday.

Wednesday I needed to get out the house for a bit after having an argument, i went for a walk for about an hour and half and when i got back my wife had called all my friends to see if i was there or they had seen me, this was at about 1930 that i went for a walk.

When i got back one of my closest friends and his wife was at my place and my wife told me to go stay with them for a couple days because she needs space. Which i did and its been getting harder and harder to cope with life. Im not talking about suicide or anything, just battling on a day to day basis. My friends that know whats going on have been amazing and so supportive, i would hate to imagine what it would be like with out this support.

Anyway i noticed a decline in her happiness and stuff since about Oct last year and i have constantly asked her about it trying to find out what the problem is and if its something we can work through. We have been through so much cr ap over our relationship its amazing that we have even lasted this long. Anyway! There has been this work colleague that she works with thats her friend and we have had him over for a couple braais and as time went on i started having friends ask me about whats happening with them, do i see whats going on and stuff like that. I have noticed that she is really friendly with him, the one braai it made it really awkward with everyone there. Not touching or anything like that, just kept to themselves most of the night. Now i trust her so i didnt think anything of it at the time, but when my friends started asking me about it, i started questioning it and i confronted her about it. She said no they just really good friends ect etc.

Now its on the 3rd day that i have not been home, seen my wife nor my daughter. I called last night to talk to my daughter and f*** was it so hard to keep it together on the phone with my daughter that i had to cut it short.

Her reason for needing the space is that she wants to figure things out and be alone. We have been together since she was 16 and i was 18 and she said: i just sat one day and thought about how tied down ive been for so long and what it would feel like to be on my own. Then i started getting unhappy coz i wanted to know."

I seriously have the feeling this is it, we are over, she just hasnt come to the realisation.

Please help! i dont know what to do anymore, i miss my girls so much and dont know how long i can go on like this. Thankfully though i get to see my daughter tonight for the weekend.:cry:
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My 2cents, im thinking its since around October last year when things started brewing between the colleague? I mean like really brewing, when they realise they're falling/have feelings for each other. Hence, the different attitude towards you.(Possibly guilt as well)

On the other hand, get back to your house bro. Like today. If she wants the space, tell her go somewhere.
 
Stillie said:
intimacy has been lacking for a long time, sometimes not for a couple months at a time, and i have been trying to talk to her about it but its always "tired" "got a lot on my mind" "not in the mood" etc and when it did happen it always felt like she wasn't really interested and it was always me initiating which in turn made me not feel wanted.
Click to expand...

Seems you guys have some fundamentally damaging issues at play. I suspect some may not be known to you. Arrange for a day out. Just you and her. Ask a friend or relative to watch your daughter.

Two options as I see it:

1. Then lay it all on the line. Speak your heart. Don't pull punches. Communicate as brutally honestly as you can. Give ultimatums. Set deadlines. Get commitments. Work at fixing things you both agree on.

or

2. Be a d00s and try trap her. Tell you her know what up. But you cant believe it. You want to hear it from her mouth. Watch her as you say this. Watch her CLOSELY. Ears turning red. Eyes averting. Then reach out and hold her hand. Sweaty? Her physiology will tell you what her mouth wont. If she denies but shows the tell-tales signs - you will know. If she doesn't have any adverse reaction to your statement... You can always tell her that you are desperate for answers and then carry on with the heart to heart. Risky... But it worked for me.
 
Stillie said:
its not that she has prevented me from seeing my daughter, i am just giving her the space she needs and plus its been school etc
Click to expand...
Who pays the bond/rent?

If it is you she has no say.
Go home, sleep on the couch if you must.

If she really feels such a great need for freedom then she can spread her wings and fly away.

And you and the daughter can live happy in a stable home.

With you moving out she can use that as you walking out on them = abandonment.

That can be used to claim the home, its content and sole custody.


Move back. If she shouts or swears just stay calm. Use earphones and music on your phone to calm down. Sleep on the couch if you must.

Be the better person. Even if your daughter cannot see the poison the mom is dishing out right now, she will see it some day.
 
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Venomous said:
Who pays the bond/rent?

If it is you she has no say.
Go home, sleep on the couch if you must.

If she really feels such a great need for freedom then she can spread her wings and fly away.

And you and the daughter can live happy in a stable home.

With you moving out she can use that as you walking out on them = abandonment.

That can be used to claim the home, its content and sole custody.


Move back. If she shouts or swears just stay calm. Use earphones and music on your phone to calm down.

Be the better person. Even if your daughter cannot see the poison the mom is dishing out right now, she will see it some day.
Click to expand...

i pay the rent.
 
Venomous said:
Who pays the bond/rent?

If it is you she has no say.
Go home, sleep on the couch if you must.

If she really feels such a great need for freedom then she can spread her wings and fly away.

And you and the daughter can live happy in a stable home.

With you moving out she can use that as you walking out on them = abandonment.

That can be used to claim the home, its content and sole custody.


Move back. If she shouts or swears just stay calm. Use earphones and music on your phone to calm down. Sleep on the couch if you must.

Be the better person. Even if your daughter cannot see the poison the mom is dishing out right now, she will see it some day.
Click to expand...

Exactly this.
 
Stillie said:
i pay the rent.
Click to expand...

Then you stay under the roof YOU pay for. Let her make another plan.

Don't even tell her. Just go back and once there you can tell her that you will sleep under the roof you pay for.

Hell I'd even get into the bed. She can have the couch. She's the one that "claims the want for space" then let her make space.
 
Stillie said:
and school fees, insurance petrol...............
Click to expand...

Now you see... people think that I'm an AHole because I want someone in my life that contributes just as much... Buuuut no, she is a female and it is the role of the man to provide and offer a free ride through life. :erm:

Then you still get thrown out of your own house... nah dude... go home.
 
CamiKaze said:
Now you see... people think that I'm an AHole because I want someone in my life that contributes just as much... Buuuut no, she is a female and it is the role of the man to provide and offer a free ride through life. :erm:
Click to expand...

no she does contribute in other areas, like food, paying for the car and med aid, that aspect has never been an issue with me, ever! i earn double what she earns so i understand
 
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