@|tera|
I'm sorry you feel that way buddy. I wish I could say that its all in your head and all it takes is a positive mindset blah blah blah, but some people really do have difficult lives. Mine has not been easy, but then sometimes I hear what other people have gone through and I'm like MAN I am glad that is not me.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to belittle your pain or make it seem irrelevant. It also is not so trivial as just waking up one day and being happy. If it was that easy, everyone would do it. The reality is that life is hard, for all of us, but for some it is just much harder. You are playing Dark Souls 3 on nightmare mode.
Nonetheless, while your life may be difficult, its also worth saving. You only have one of them. Trust me, you will be missed.
My mother committed suicide, so I do know what I'm talking about. And I've thought about it before - one April around 3 years ago, I made serious plans to kill myself. I thought I'd never be happy, so why bother staying around? 3 years later... let's say I've been lucky and things have gone well. I would never have got to that point if I had ended it right then and there. And I was seriously tempted, I was so sick of being in pain all the time. I don't even think I was going through as rough a time as you are, but nonetheless... it hurt.
I think what people don't get about emotional pain and depression is how physical it can feel. I find it hard to explain, but when I'm hurting emotionally, its almost physical. The word "pain" really applies here.
So what saved my life? It was understanding why I was suffering. I'd gone through a traumatic childhood, the details of which don't really matter. But I'd developed psychological scars because of my childhood, and these scars were still causing me pain as an adult. I couldn't understand why they didn't heal, why I still struggled so many years later. Why was life so hard? My parents had been dead for nearly a decade by that point (my father died of natural causes a few years before my mother killed herself) - why had I not got over it and just gone back to being a regular human?
I didn't understand why I was suffering and I was tired of being in pain all the time. The weekend that I decided to off myself, I went for a walk. I tried to meditate on this walk, trying to keep my mind quiet. It was then that it occurred to me that I'd had a traumatic childhood. For some reason, it had never occurred to me. My father died when I was young, and my home life was a nightmare of constant stress, my mother had mental illness for my entire life and later committed suicide, and yet it never occurred to me that I'd gone through a traumatic childhood. That night I bought a book on my kindle about childhood trauma called Childhood Disrupted, and it changed my life, because it explained why it is so difficult to recover from childhood trauma. At last I understood why I was suffering.
I don't know why you are suffering. I don't know if you know why you are so suffering. I don't know what trauma and horrors you have faced. Has it occurred to you to wonder why you are still alive? Why, despite everything you've been to, you haven't died yet? I wager you might be tougher than you think.
I'd ask two things of you. It sounds like you are already in touch with a mental health professional, which is good. Please be honest with them. Tell them... what you are thinking about doing.
Two, don't forget the kindness of random strangers. If there is something you need, just ask. You'll get some dickheads who will say things that won't help, but you'll also get people who may be willing to help. Not only in words but some times actions.
just shows you how screwed up some people are.
