Single and happy?

[Kitten]

Suggest you have a look here

Good find, however along with that post came disaster I soon gave up on it.

 

[Alan]

Maybe all kitten needs is another kitten

 

[CathJ]

Don't be too hard on Kitten, she may not be to blame as much as she thinks...

One benefit of being alone is that I get to do a great deal of random pondering and I've thought about this same topic:

When you are alone, you get used to your own company, your own way of doing things, your own way of dealing with friends, family and strangers, your own way of presenting yourself, your own way of dealing with enjoyment and misery...

Now you find love and all of a sardine your singularity gets shattered. You have to re-acquaint yourself with you as a partner, no longer a rogue entity. For obvious reasons you can no longer conduct yourself and all above-mentioned topics in exactly the same fashion as you used to.

This is where problems arise and people say "you've changed, you were so much cooler when we met" - yes, because you met as singularities. Not as partners...

-flip side of the coin-

If you've constantly had boyfriends/girlfriends since early school days and you jumped from one relationship to the next without a real moment of personal growth in between, then it would make logical sense that you have acquired the skill/feel for co-existence. Ergo, when you are single - you feel out of place. Your comfort zone is not your own company, but that of others.

Please tell me if I'm completely wrong here, as I'd love input from differing perspectives.

Exactly! You've hit my other worry - am I so used to being alone and doing things the way I like, that I wouldn't be able to adapt to having a partner around?

 

[killadoob]

Kitten to me is sounds as if your being alone has more to do with other people being with someone.

One thing though if your a hermit you cannot complain about being alone, hit the clubs or pub and let it all hang out so as too speak

 

[Kitten]

Voicy, I haven't really spent a lot of time alone ... so all it does is confuse me, perhaps I need to be alone to figure out who I am. Circumstances have scared me into staying in unwanted relationships.

 

[wishblade]

Um, what ever happened to truly getting to know oneself, know truly who you are? You'll only be able to do this if you're single, and once you do know yourself and what makes you tick, then happiness within a relationship is natural, as the relationship becomes more relaxed and easy. You don't have to worry about pleasing yourself, because having found yourself, you would have known before entering the relationship if it was something that would be conducive to your happiness!

Sorry for jumping in now, just thought I would share...

EDIT: sorry, didn't read the above posts, which pretty much says what I've said...

 

[AvatarS]

Don't be too hard on Kitten, she may not be to blame as much as she thinks...

One benefit of being alone is that I get to do a great deal of random pondering and I've thought about this same topic:

When you are alone, you get used to your own company, your own way of doing things, your own way of dealing with friends, family and strangers, your own way of presenting yourself, your own way of dealing with enjoyment and misery...

Now you find love and all of a sardine your singularity gets shattered. You have to re-acquaint yourself with you as a partner, no longer a rogue entity. For obvious reasons you can no longer conduct yourself and all above-mentioned topics in exactly the same fashion as you used to.

This is where problems arise and people say "you've changed, you were so much cooler when we met" - yes, because you met as singularities. Not as partners...

-flip side of the coin-

If you've constantly had boyfriends/girlfriends since early school days and you jumped from one relationship to the next without a real moment of personal growth in between, then it would make logical sense that you have acquired the skill/feel for co-existence. Ergo, when you are single - you feel out of place. Your comfort zone is not your own company, but that of others.

Please tell me if I'm completely wrong here, as I'd love input from differing perspectives.

You're both correct and incorrect there.

Sure, people change. Regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not. There's a lot of influencing factors. A relationship is one of those factors. But it's not the only one.

And I do know many people who've gone from relationship to relationship, and can't seem to cope when they're alone (constant emotional rollercoasters). I know people who've gotten married, for whom I think a very large part of it was the fear of being alone.

I disagree with the part that states that the comfort zone is either that of your own company or that of others. I am ridiculously sociable and love being around other people. But I also enjoy my own company, to the point where I will sometimes deliberately avoid other people so I can be alone. I am either comfortable in either zone (to use your wording). I think you should be able to hold your own in both zones.

 

[Pitbull]

Voicy, I haven't really spent a lot of time alone ... so all it does is confuse me, perhaps I need to be alone to figure out who I am. Circumstances have scared me into staying in unwanted relationships.

Seriously, and this is my honest advice.

Go out and meet people, men. Let them know you are not looking for a boyfriend but friends. Obviously it will lead to more, but the hit and run guys will drop out of the friendship as time goes on. Build a big friends circle and then see how things work out. By this I mean at least 6 - 12 months before you commit to something again.

 

[AvatarS]

I was doing that on purpose just to [-]erk[/-]irk you

Good find, however along with that post came disaster I soon gave up on it.

Details?

Voicy, I haven't really spent a lot of time alone ... so all it does is confuse me, perhaps I need to be alone to figure out who I am. Circumstances have scared me into staying in unwanted relationships.

And there you have hit the nail on the head.

 

[koeks]

Kitten, I'm offering my sexual services free of charge, no strings attached. you can commit when you are ready...

 

[Voicy]

Voicy, I haven't really spent a lot of time alone ... so all it does is confuse me, perhaps I need to be alone to figure out who I am. Circumstances have scared me into staying in unwanted relationships.

Um, what ever happened to truly getting to know oneself, know truly who you are? You'll only be able to do this if you're single, and once you do know yourself and what makes you tick, then happiness within a relationship is natural, as the relationship becomes more relaxed and easy. You don't have to worry about pleasing yourself, because having found yourself, you would have known before entering the relationship if it was something that would be conducive to your happiness!

Sorry for jumping in now, just thought I would share...

Dear miss Kitten,

Wishblade makes a valid point ... and as AvatarS was getting to, if you can't
make yourself happy, how fair would it be to expect someone else to make you happy - and how can you enjoy being with someone who doesn't enjoy their own company? It would be smothering.

The way I've always understood it - and I believe this addresses one of the problems of the fear of being alone and/or being controlled:

A relationship should not be based on need, but rather affinity. You shouldn't NEED someone in your life - you should WANT them. The moment you rely on something/someone, you become enslaved.

Example: I don't WANT my job, but I NEED it. Would a waiter be as courteous and humbling to you, the paying customer, in his personal capacity? Hell no, he is doing it against his own will based on the necessity of money. Get the idea?

 

[Kitten]

Ava the disaster from my previous post is not something I can really post on here sorry :/ needless to say the single world is not what it used to be.

Pitbull its very hard making new friends at my age, people all have their circles and thats that. Sure at school and that age its easy to make new friends and join new circles, but you'd be surprised at how men react when a single woman attempts to strike up a friendship. Other thoughts definitely interfere from their side.

 

[Kitten]

Kitten, I'm offering my sexual services free of charge, no strings attached. you can commit when you are ready...

sex? no strings attached?! Where and when! .. sorted.

 

[Pitbull]

Ava the disaster from my previous post is not something I can really post on here sorry :/ needless to say the single world is not what it used to be.

Pitbull its very hard making new friends at my age, people all have their circles and thats that. Sure at school and that age its easy to make new friends and join new circles, but you'd be surprised at how men react when a single woman attempts to strike up a friendship. Other thoughts definitely interfere from their side.

Bullshyt.

You just need to get someone to help you into these groups

Too bad I'm from PTA or else I could have helped you into a massive friends circle. But PTA might be a little to far for you to go social on ocassions.

Sure someone in Jo'Burg can hook you up with their local friend circles.

 

[Voicy]

I disagree with the part that states that the comfort zone is either that of your own company or that of others. I am ridiculously sociable and love being around other people. But I also enjoy my own company, to the point where I will sometimes deliberately avoid other people so I can be alone. I am either comfortable in either zone (to use your wording). I think you should be able to hold your own in both zones.

I was listing the two extremes, Kitten's being the latter ... and you're 100% correct once again. My view is that you need to find a balance in order to make a success of it - as with so many other aspects in life.

 

[koeks]

sex? no strings attached?! Where and when! .. sorted.

you name the place and time. I'm a guy and I'm not gay. just so that we don't get our wires twisted...

 

[CathJ]

Dear miss Kitten,

Wishblade makes a valid point ... and as AvatarS was getting to, if you can't
make yourself happy, how fair would it be to expect someone else to make you happy - and how can you enjoy being with someone who doesn't enjoy their own company? It would be smothering.

The way I've always understood it - and I believe this addresses one of the problems of the fear of being alone and/or being controlled:

A relationship should not be based on need, but rather affinity. You shouldn't NEED someone in your life - you should WANT them. The moment you rely on something/someone, you become enslaved.

Example: I don't WANT my job, but I NEED it. Would a waiter be as courteous and humbling to you, the paying customer, in his personal capacity? Hell no, he is doing it against his own will based on the necessity of money. Get the idea?

Awesome, voicy. That describes it perfectly.

 

[blunomore]

Bullshyt.

You just need to get someone to help you into these groups

Too bad I'm from PTA or else I could have helped you into a massive friends circle. But PTA might be a little to far for you to go social on ocassions.

Sure someone in Jo'Burg can hook you up with their local friend circles.

I thought you lived on the West Rand

 

[Pitbull]

I thought you lived on the West Rand

I do.

But I came here from PTA. Wife I met here and I work here so now I stay here. But My friends are all from PTA. I go there just about every weekend

Here in Jo'burg it's just co-workers, not Friends

 

[Voicy]

sex? no strings attached?! Where and when! .. sorted.

It's so weird to see girls act promiscuous like that

I don't even like the idea of no strings attached. But then again my female friends treat me as their "gay best friend"