The whatnow dilemma:

Nick333 said:
Why do guys put up with **** like this from their wives? Your wife is so insecure that you have debate telling her things for fear of the fall out? Send her for therapy.
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I do not have enough time on my hands to explain to you how many different type of women exist out there
 
I think the OP really needs to consider the basic cost-benefit dynamics of disclosing this incident to his wife. What does he have to gain by doing it? He'll show his wife he's loyal and noble and that even though he's desired by other women he's remained loyal to her. Well, okay, but he's demonstrated this already by turning the ex down. He's admitted a previous affair affected his wife badly, so he knows that even by alluding to flirtatiousness could cause her pain.

What is he worried will happen if he does not tell her? Perhaps she will find out? What is it that she will find out- that he turned down another woman and did not tell her so his justification is quite succint: he did not tell her because he knew the matter was superfluous and would hurt her so his silence was an act of care. It's not lying if you simply don't say anything, after all.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, friend, so this forum is a good enough kind of catharsis. Spare your wife anguish. If she does find out it is up to her to reconcile her issues because you are in the right.
 
whatnow34 said:
(Posting under a new/fake account for reasons that should be obvious below)

When I was in 'varisty (about 12 years ago) I dated a girl for 6 months. We broke up and did not keep in contact after we studied. The same girl, now all grown up, recently joined the company that I work for. We're colleagues in different teams but in the same division and at similar level in the business. In the past month we've had to work together on a piece of work so each each other at least twice a week. The meetings are normally 1-on-1 so we tend to chat about the past in-between getting the work done.

Last week she told me directly that she thought we should have a no-stings, just physical affair. She's single at the moment, never been married and she said she looking for just the s3x part - I think I believe her about that. I turned her down. An affair is completely OUT of bounds for me but she's made a few hints since then that she's still game if I change my mind.

My dilemma now is whether or not to tell my wife about it. My wife is extremely sensitive about other women. She's not jealous but she was very badly hurt by an affair type situation in the past and she takes serious strain over this kind of thing. It would mean at least a few weeks of strained relations at home. It may not be fair on me etc but it's how it is and I've learned how no to rock the boat. This would would equivalent to capsizing the boat. We'd be able to right the boat and get back in but we'd get very uncomfortable in the process. (At least it wasn't a car analogy!).
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Ask yourself this :

How would my wife react if she heard this from someone else?

Once you've established that, it'll be pretty clear which route to go...after all...the truth has a way of ALWAYS coming out.
 
Ignore it, move on. You are not doing anything wrong and its pointless telling your significant other about every time someone flirts with you unless you want to create a jealous spouse.
 
DJ... said:
Oh fine, I'll get involved before the details (but I expect them soon.)

I'm siding more with keeping this to yourself to be honest. If she's been as hurt as you claim, then all that this will do is plant the seed of doubt in her mind. She will also have to put on a brave face every single day knowing full-well that you're about to go spend a few hours with a woman who wants to have sex with you. I don't see what there is to gain by telling her, but it could have repercussions. She will overthink this to the nth degree, especially considering that the woman in question is an ex of yours.

If you're a solid enough bloke to not give it a second thought, then rather just keep it to yourself...
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I agree With President DJ over here.
Do you Run and tell Your Partner every time you go have a few drinks with your mates and a girl says "hay sexy " ??
Nothing happend and by your own statement nothing will, so there is nothing to tell. Woman Dont think like us, you tell her and she'll convince herself something did happen .
Tell her and what shell think your telling her is that your considering it, and looking for permission.
 
I see no reason why you should tell her. It will just put thoughts in her head everytime you are at work. You've already done the noble thing by turning the chick down (kudos for that), which makes it a non-issue.
 
Sometimes it is better that some things stays unsaid. Nothing happened. So ban it out of your mind. Warn the ex that you will lay charges of sexual harassment if she continuous and see if you can improvise so that you are not alone in her company.
 
I wouldn't say anything.

She made a move ; you said no ... that's it.

As someone said above, some things need not be said
 
Taking your account of what happened at face value I don't see why you would tell your wife knowing full well it would cause her so much angst.
 
bwana said:
Taking your account of what happened at face value I don't see why you would tell your wife knowing full well it would cause her so much angst.
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Unless, he was trying to score brownie points or salve a guilty conscience.

Or something sinister that should perhaps not be voiced outside the confines of my cynical and jaded mind.
 
Treat it the same way you treat any other flirting. If you normally tell your wife every time someone flirts with you, tell her. If you don't normally tell her, don't (as has been pointed out, while your motives are pure she may wonder why you're going out of character to tell her).

Just make it very clear to your ex that it's never going to happen. She'll either stop, or she may go back to more harmless flirting, or she may well be *that* woman who tries to force the issue at which point you get HR involved and tell your wife (although at that point I'd make it clear you view it as harrasment, not flirting)
 
I've been in this situation several times.
In each case I told my wife immediately. There were no repercussions, apart from her being angry and wanting to go beat the other woman up!
 
Threesome, that way everybody gets to know everybody and everyone's happy. In a perfect world of course.
 
Don't ask don't tell like them yanks roll
Knowing women, your wife will probably demand you find a new job away from this ex.
 
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