oh sorry i do realise that, just that i was in my mid 20's when i had my first. then in my 30's when i had my other 2. so call me a prude then LOL.
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very controlling parents...
- Thread starter kate9
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oh sorry i do realise that, just that i was in my mid 20's when i had my first. then in my 30's when i had my other 2. so call me a prude then LOL.
TheHiveMind
Banned
My relationship with my parents improved when I moved out. I see them rarely, and that's what makes it better when I finally do see them. They give me more slack. They treat me more like an adult, and less like a child. I moved out when I was 19. Actually, the situation called for it. It was a good thing.
Mike Hoxbig
Honorary Master
How are they going to stop you? They'll come to terms with it eventually - no good parent wants to lose a child.
My parents were similarly controlling, and as a result I didn't speak to them much while staying with them, but my relationship with them actually improved a lot after moving out.
Nanfeishen
Executive Member
First step , ............ stop feeling guilty for wanting to live your own life.
You are 22 years old, that makes you an adult in every way you are able to sign contracts, enter legal agreements etc etc, you no longer need your parents approval to do anything, however the fact that you are concerned about their approval signifies feelings of guilt for some or other reason.
Those feelings most likely stem from your parents, who have constantly forced their way of thinking on you, or guilted you into feeling embarassed or ashamed for various things throughout your life.
Its classic "cultish" type thinking, and the way many parents "control" their children.
Instil feelings of guilt for percieved bad behaviour, or for anything that they disaprove of.
The child feels guilty for not adhering to the parents wishes, for thinking differently, or choosing differently, and instead of continuing to disagree rather goes along with the parents decision out of the need for approval or the fact that the parents love or affection is withheld until the child comes around to their way of thinking.
You need to break the cycle, and stop feeling guilty.
You are 22 years old, that makes you an adult in every way you are able to sign contracts, enter legal agreements etc etc, you no longer need your parents approval to do anything, however the fact that you are concerned about their approval signifies feelings of guilt for some or other reason.
Those feelings most likely stem from your parents, who have constantly forced their way of thinking on you, or guilted you into feeling embarassed or ashamed for various things throughout your life.
Its classic "cultish" type thinking, and the way many parents "control" their children.
Instil feelings of guilt for percieved bad behaviour, or for anything that they disaprove of.
The child feels guilty for not adhering to the parents wishes, for thinking differently, or choosing differently, and instead of continuing to disagree rather goes along with the parents decision out of the need for approval or the fact that the parents love or affection is withheld until the child comes around to their way of thinking.
You need to break the cycle, and stop feeling guilty.
thatdamnJoe
Expert Member
- Joined
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22 is a young age to move out?
Start saving to move out. You cannot go live on your own with 2 cents to your name. Tell your parents that you are saving to stay on your own one day. Rather use those words then say I am saving to move out. There is a big difference. It will maybe make them think different.
They will probably try to control your money too. So be prepared. Just say that it is saved away in an investment account and cannot be withdrawn. Do your homework.
Sorry if I missed it but are you working / studying?
They will probably try to control your money too. So be prepared. Just say that it is saved away in an investment account and cannot be withdrawn. Do your homework.
Sorry if I missed it but are you working / studying?
Scooby_Doo
Honorary Master
Almost thought i knew who you were until you said you were 22, that would have been interesting.
it's the old saga: our house; our rules.
you were part of their lives for 22 years. you can't simply undo something that consumed their existence for 22 years. they need time to adjust and accept you as an adult.
it would of course help them a lot if you act like an adult. eventually they will have to let go.
but i have to mention that i kinda get the feeling that you're holding on to what you've got. you have to pretend you don't like it ... so that you can 'feel' like an adult. if you really ... really don't enjoy being controlled, you would do something more than just complaining. ;-)
you were part of their lives for 22 years. you can't simply undo something that consumed their existence for 22 years. they need time to adjust and accept you as an adult.
it would of course help them a lot if you act like an adult. eventually they will have to let go.
but i have to mention that i kinda get the feeling that you're holding on to what you've got. you have to pretend you don't like it ... so that you can 'feel' like an adult. if you really ... really don't enjoy being controlled, you would do something more than just complaining. ;-)
I have just finished studying, but have one subject to do part time.. so that will make things a bit difficult if i get a job. Anyway, I do portrait oil paintings sometimes for people, but I mean I dont get that many orders, and its very time consuming. I just do that for a little bit of extra cash.
lots of adults work full time and study part time. it's a choice. it all depends on how badly you want to be independent.
True. I regretted my parents at first for making me pay for my studies. My studies cost me R200K so far. Today at 23 I'm so happy I paid for my own studies because I've done well for myself in the process. Yes all of it was part time. Those late nights of studying until midnight.
Freeusnow
Well-Known Member
Kate9 There are many games that people play in order to score points and one needs to recognize them: for instance I am now playing the teacher/child game. You also get adult - adult; parent - child; child - child; child - parent, boss - worker and my personal favourite "now I've got you you b@stard"
in all cases you have to identify and neutralise the game ie try to bring the argument back to the adult - adult status. refer "Games people play" Eric Berne
It seems like your parents have two games at play here...1) " now I've got you you b@stard" with respect to the car and with boyfriend's position in the scenario 2) Parent - child with respect to your position in the family. You are, in this thread, playing the "poor me I am the victim" game. No disrespect intended , i am just making a point.
You always have choices in life and some of them will be very painful... If you are a student you are still being supported by them so you are under obligation to them. You need to neutralise this situation o regain the control: you can A)give back the car, quit studying get a job . OR B) live with the status quo until you qualify when you don't need them any more, pay them back for the car and the studies. (I bet they refuse the money) If you are not a student : get a job, become self sufficient, pay them back for the car - break their hold over you show them that you are an adult that does not need them but rather that you choose to value your relationship. Remember that you are an adult and responsible for your own actions now.
When I was young I was in a similar situation. I left home at 23 with great acrimony between me and my dad. My BF - a Greek ( no racism intended) moved in with me shortly after... My dad wanted to shoot him. But eventually he came around to our way of thinking when he saw he couldn't win.. It was painful then for a while, we all see the funny side now 44 years later. I married my BF after 6 years of living together, had two kids whom I love and respect and am soo proud of because that they are both freethinking balanced beautiful successful adults.
Good luck, I hope it works out.
in all cases you have to identify and neutralise the game ie try to bring the argument back to the adult - adult status. refer "Games people play" Eric Berne
It seems like your parents have two games at play here...1) " now I've got you you b@stard" with respect to the car and with boyfriend's position in the scenario 2) Parent - child with respect to your position in the family. You are, in this thread, playing the "poor me I am the victim" game. No disrespect intended , i am just making a point.
You always have choices in life and some of them will be very painful... If you are a student you are still being supported by them so you are under obligation to them. You need to neutralise this situation o regain the control: you can A)give back the car, quit studying get a job . OR B) live with the status quo until you qualify when you don't need them any more, pay them back for the car and the studies. (I bet they refuse the money) If you are not a student : get a job, become self sufficient, pay them back for the car - break their hold over you show them that you are an adult that does not need them but rather that you choose to value your relationship. Remember that you are an adult and responsible for your own actions now.
When I was young I was in a similar situation. I left home at 23 with great acrimony between me and my dad. My BF - a Greek ( no racism intended) moved in with me shortly after... My dad wanted to shoot him. But eventually he came around to our way of thinking when he saw he couldn't win.. It was painful then for a while, we all see the funny side now 44 years later. I married my BF after 6 years of living together, had two kids whom I love and respect and am soo proud of because that they are both freethinking balanced beautiful successful adults.
Good luck, I hope it works out.
j3n0va
Expert Member
I've had this happen to me. Not fun at all.
To kate - I Think moving out and making it on your own would be best. Not easy but you'll grow as a person.
Mike Hoxbig
Honorary Master
It's all about time management, and one subject isn't really that bad.