Advice on ending a long term relationship

Hamster said:
Well, thing is there are people who manage to sue and get a claim on assets in relationships like this. Cohabitation might not be recognized by law but it's probably done under some other law or technicality.

EDIT: Universal partnership



Cohabitation & Universal Partnership - Van Heerdens Attorneys

Cohabitation, which has also been referred to as “living together” or “common law marriage", is not recognised as a legal relationship by South African law.
vhlegal.co.za vhlegal.co.za

The links to the articles pro say the same thing.
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Instead of speculating here, I'll sit us both down in front of a lawyer. And we draw up a legal statement, each. Neither of us are interested in screwing the other one over. This much we've established.

But thanks anyway.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Instead of speculating here, I'll sit us both down in front of a lawyer. And we draw up a legal statement, each. Neither of us are interested in screwing the other one over. This much we've established.

But thanks anyway.
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Good call. The cases I (who happen to not be a lawyer) know about had kids involved which obviously makes things a whole lot more complicated.
 
Polymathic said:
You're describing at least 85% of women there.


This seems like a red flag, makes me wonder if she has somebody else on the side. If there any female forumites lurking, your input would on this would be great.

Change comes at a price though.
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IMO OP taking his wife to the shops and picking out his own gift raises no red flags but to be honest it had occured to me she might have something going on on the side. Maybe an affair, maybe not.

EDIT: Situation might have changed since Poly's post, I haven't read the entire thread yet.
 
maumau said:
IMO OP taking his wife to the shops and picking out his own gift raises no red flags but to be honest it had occured to me she might have something going on on the side. Maybe an affair, maybe not.

EDIT: Situation might have changed since Poly's post, I haven't read the entire thread yet.
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Usually when there no kids involved when a woman show's that level of can't be bothered for a partners birthday, they are emotionally invested in another guy and they are just going through the motions of their partners birthday with as little emotional investment as possible.

Then again I've only seen this in couples much younger than the OP in my experience.

It seems like the OP is in a type of late stage marriage where your partner is just the person who sleeps in your bed who helps you raise your kids and helps you pay the bills.

Except that they aren't married, they don't have kids and she doesn't help pay the bills. :p
 
maumau said:
IMO OP taking his wife to the shops and picking out his own gift raises no red flags but to be honest it had occured to me she might have something going on on the side. Maybe an affair, maybe not.

EDIT: Situation might have changed since Poly's post, I haven't read the entire thread yet.
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Not a red flag on any level.

Quite the contrary. If you bought me something random I’d likely never use for my birthday and just wasted money that would deeply annoy me.

I can’t remember a birthday where I didn’t choose my own gift by making it known or literally buying it for myself.

If anything it’s an indication of knowing the person.
 
SauRoNZA said:
Not a red flag on any level.

Quite the contrary. If you bought me something random I’d likely never use for my birthday and just wasted money that would deeply annoy me.

I can’t remember a birthday where I didn’t choose my own gift by making it known or literally buying it for myself.

If anything it’s an indication of knowing the person.
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spot on for example my wife wants to get me a Kenwood Chef I would rather be there picking the right one than the wrong one. Her idea but the model for something like this is important and we can make a trip out of it.
 
Snyper564 said:
spot on for example my wife wants to get me a Kenwood Chef I would rather be there picking the right one than the wrong one. Her idea but the model for something like this is important and we can make a trip out of it.
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Same with my KitchenAid.

Bought myself months in advance of my birthday and put in the cupboard for her and the kids to wrap come birthday time.
 
Polymathic said:
Usually when there no kids involved when a woman show's that level of can't be bothered for a partners birthday, they are emotionally invested in another guy and they are just going through the motions of their partners birthday with as little emotional investment as possible.

Then again I've only seen this in couples much younger than the OP in my experience.

It seems like the OP is in a type of late stage marriage where your partner is just the person who sleeps in your bed who helps you raise your kids and helps you pay the bills.

Except that they aren't married, they don't have kids and she doesn't help pay the bills. :p
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A type of relationship fatigue, if you will. I can absolutely see that being a thing.

In my experience, I was "away" from her more than she was from me. When she traveled, it was always with me. I distinctly remember feeling lonely and missing her, on my way back from the a trip. My environment changed much more than hers, and she always had a constant in her changing environment, me. To navigate, to decide, to haphazardly fumble my way through a foreign language.

Lesson learnt I guess.
 
Corelli said:
So best to get a good lawyer. Why?

Are you married?
She can claim half your pension etc (no matter if in community of property or not)
She can claim maintenance going forward. Yip you will still have to cover for her. Ie at the same level as when you are together.
Its going to suck, but thats how life goes.

I know how you feel. Mine believes it the man's job to cover all the costs, and she shouldnt have to waste her money on household stuff.

Now she wants to buy a 2nd property (which I will have to pick up a R2 million bond for). Just so that she can retire with a 2nd income one day. I will finish paying the bond when I'm about 65.
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Sounds like you could use a sit-down with your missus too. Good luck. It ain't easy, fighting is far easier, fighting cause you believe that you are fighting to keep that person, when all you're doing is adding more layers of prison bars around you and her.

I am still truly, madly, deeply in love, with the woman she was. And that's what kicked all of this off for me. Now I realise no amount of fighting will return her to me. I have to let go of her, and see who comes back to me, and I have to be ready to deal with that event, and everything around it.

It was incredible while it lasted. And I don't regret a single moment.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Sounds like you could use a sit-down with your missus too. Good luck. It ain't easy, fighting is far easier, fighting cause you believe that you are fighting to keep that person, when all you're doing is adding more layers of prison bars around you and her.

I am still truly, madly, deeply in love, with the woman she was. And that's what kicked all of this off for me. Now I realise no amount of fighting will return her to me. I have to let go of her, and see who comes back to me, and I have to be ready to deal with that event, and everything around it.

It was incredible while it lasted. And I don't regret a single moment.
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Curious how day zero is essentially going?
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Either 6 months from now, or when I drop dead, whichever comes first :laugh:
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I have a sneaky suspicion that this will all end before the end of next month or that +-20th day. This might have been the wake up call she needed and doesnt end up moving out.
 
Snyper564 said:
I have a sneaky suspicion that this will all end before the end of next month or that +-20th day. This might have been the wake up call she needed and doesnt end up moving out.
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Either way, I'll post the abridged resolution here. Every story needs an ending. Even if it is a cliffhanger.
 
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