Advice on ending a long term relationship

D said:
This thread did not exist yesterday (or for the first 7 hours of today) and now it has way over 200 comments already.

I guess a lot of people are revealing that they are constantly thinking of breaking up! ;)
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I read study a couple of years ago, can't exactly remember where or by who, but apparently they found that divorce rates peak around the December holidays. Sort of makes sense
 
D said:
This thread did not exist yesterday (or for the first 7 hours of today) and now it has way over 200 comments already.

I guess a lot of people are revealing that they are constantly thinking of breaking up! ;)
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I think it's more a case of how other people deal with the rough patches in their lives.
skimread said:
Well done. Taking steps forward is much better than living a life of quiet desperation.

It's really the best time of the year to have done it. Everyone is on holiday so she won't feel guilty for not working as no one else is. She has the start of the year to begin something new and sort herself out and create new years resolutions. Also the time of the year where she can reconnect with her parents and get finality there as they are a bad example to her. She might see what she could end up by living with them which will also change her.

In 6 months you will have totally different perspective and can then reassess. In the meantime you could try and see what online dating or in person events are to test the market. Just meeting people. Not entering into relationships.
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My sentiments with regards to timing. And thus being the time of the year to reach out.

As far as dating, and looking at the market. I rate I'll wait a year. Keep my head down and grind. Rebuild some of my friendships, go visit a faraway land or two. But I'm truly not even remotely interested in even connecting until I know we are done or back on. I'll give it some honest to goodness healing time.

I know you're saying this for me to build up my confidence. And I think travel will facilitate that for me.

Thank you skimread, you really knocked it out the park.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Howzit boys.

So about a 4 months ago, I gave the missus an ultimatum, after 10 years of trying to get her skilled up and contributing to the household in a financially meaningful way. We've been glued to each other for 18 years straight, no cheating, no missteps, no bs.

But, Sh__ got real dire about 3 years ago, and I had to pull both my thumbs out my ass, to get us back on track, almost lost the house, sold a car, and burned through most of my savings.

At no point, could she, or did she help, that's when I started thinking, this cherry won the lottery, and that ain't right by me.

We never made offspring, so it's a clean split, she goes her way, I go mine. Sure there is always paperwork, insurance and all that kak, but that is minor.

Here is the thing, on the one end, she is a financial burden, I'm paying for two, and have been for a good long while now. She helps where she can, around the house, cooks sometimes, tries to learn new skills, but nothing she has tried makes her any cash. She hasn't helped with so much as groceries for a week, in 10 years.

Now for the advice part, and where I'm like, should I just go straight Sub Zero and send her on her way. Cause when she walks out that front door she is homeless, jobless and up **** creek with no boat, paddle or family.

I sat her down 2 years ago and I warned her, it ain't always going to be moonshine and roses, and I kept reminding her, she needs to be able / capable of looking after herself, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

And then 4 months ago, I asked her to book us a weekend away, and she just made such a mess of it, it ended up with us not going, and refunds not available.

I funking lost it, and told her, she has until Jan to start contributing. Even if it's only paying for take-aways on a weekend.

It's the 25th, Xmas day. 3 guesses who bought and cooked Xmas lunch?

So, here is the question.

a) Send her packing, straight, no chaser.
b) Send her packing, but help for another 6 months
c) Try some more, and hope this time is different.
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So best to get a good lawyer. Why?

Are you married?
She can claim half your pension etc (no matter if in community of property or not)
She can claim maintenance going forward. Yip you will still have to cover for her. Ie at the same level as when you are together.
Its going to suck, but thats how life goes.

I know how you feel. Mine believes it the man's job to cover all the costs, and she shouldnt have to waste her money on household stuff.

Now she wants to buy a 2nd property (which I will have to pick up a R2 million bond for). Just so that she can retire with a 2nd income one day. I will finish paying the bond when I'm about 65.
 
Corelli said:
So best to get a good lawyer. Why?

Are you married?
She can claim half your pension etc (no matter if in community of property or not)
She can claim maintenance going forward. Yip you will still have to cover for her. Ie at the same level as when you are together.
Its going to suck, but thats how life goes.

I know how you feel. Mine believes it the man's job to cover all the costs, and she shouldnt have to waste her money on household stuff.

Now she wants to buy a 2nd property (which I will have to pick up a R2 million bond for). Just so that she can retire with a 2nd income one day. I will finish paying the bond when I'm about 65.
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He's not married. Just cohabiting. No separation support laws in SA if you were never married.
 
B-1 said:
.


Then why isn't she taking care of the home? He's mentioned they share cleaning, cooking responsibilities. He has to do most of the shopping etc. If she was a slippers and whiskey in hand when he got home partner and everything from cleaning to admin was done. I'm sure he would have been happy.
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Silly question - has he tried talking to her and having a discussion about who's in charge of what?
 
Pak Fa Fui said:
There is a law about this
I wonder if she knows about it
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This?

www.divorcelaws.co.za

The law on cohabitation

The laws of cohabitation in South Africa and the common law marriage. Information about universal partnerships and parties are living together and how these relationships are governed by South African law.
www.divorcelaws.co.za

www.moneyweb.co.za

Your rights as a cohabiting partner

Contrary to popular opinion, living together or cohabitation is not a recognised legal relationship in this country.
www.moneyweb.co.za www.moneyweb.co.za

or this?

www.divorcelaws.co.za

Cohabitation and Maintenance

The laws of cohabitation in South Africa and the common law marriage. Is there a duty of support? Can I claim maintenance if the relationship ends.
www.divorcelaws.co.za
 
r4nd0m said:
One other thing to add - if she is useless in terms of earning an income, then make her into a housewife/partner that is supporting you in your endeavors.

You say she has been loyal, so that counts for something.

Also consider dating today. If you think it's easy to find something fulfilling and meaningful in today's times, you need to think again. I can't even find a chick with prospects (any). A lot of them come with a premade family and emotional baggage. If you date enough of them, they start to become like carbon copies of each other, yet each one thinking they're so unique.

Right now, you have someone with history, loyalty and no kids. By today's yardstick, that is pretty good.
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100% true and it's scary to see that even the younger ones are the same.
 
Snyper564 said:
This?

www.divorcelaws.co.za

The law on cohabitation

The laws of cohabitation in South Africa and the common law marriage. Information about universal partnerships and parties are living together and how these relationships are governed by South African law.
www.divorcelaws.co.za

www.moneyweb.co.za

Your rights as a cohabiting partner

Contrary to popular opinion, living together or cohabitation is not a recognised legal relationship in this country.
www.moneyweb.co.za www.moneyweb.co.za

or this?

www.divorcelaws.co.za

Cohabitation and Maintenance

The laws of cohabitation in South Africa and the common law marriage. Is there a duty of support? Can I claim maintenance if the relationship ends.
www.divorcelaws.co.za
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Well, thing is there are people who manage to sue and get a claim on assets in relationships like this. Cohabitation might not be recognized by law but it's probably done under some other law or technicality.

EDIT: Universal partnership

Although legally cohabitants do not have the same rights as spouses in a marriage, our courts have on occasion come to the assistance of cohabitants by deciding that a universal partnership exists between them.

...

To prove the existence of a universal partnership is very difficult.

...
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Cohabitation & Universal Partnership - Van Heerdens Attorneys

Cohabitation, which has also been referred to as “living together” or “common law marriage", is not recognised as a legal relationship by South African law.
vhlegal.co.za vhlegal.co.za

The links to the articles pro say the same thing.
 
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purple face said:
what if she meets someone else?
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Then more power to her. That has always been the agreement between us. No cheating, if you want to start something with someone else, you tell the other person, and that's that. No chains, no bonds, no rings, no papers, just honesty. If you can't be honest, it's done anyway.

We rocked and rolled like that since 22. Neither of us cheated, of this I am 100% sure. We know each other well enough. I know her, I walked every path with her, faced every demon with her.

Trust is earned once. And only once.
 
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