Advice on ending a long term relationship

RedViking said:
I know someone of the opposite sex who is like that. Wife is working. Difference is he had an inheritance in the millions. Now he has nothing. Literally sit at home and play playstation while wife has to work and take care of the little kids. She used to sit at home doing absolutely nothing while he wasted away the inheritance on junk, until they had nothing and the kid(s) has to eat. The idiot also went ahead and married the useless thing after all his money was gone, you know, because of the kids. However, I do think she and the mother is to blame as well for the current situation, especially the mother. Once the mother is dead, both of them is gonna be in big poo poo. The poor sot won't be able to feed his wife or kids.

Some people are perfectly happy sitting at home doing nothing. Also great for the depression.
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Play them this song on repeat.

 
Only on page 4 of the thread so far but I'll offer my 2c anyway...

To OP, it sounds like you could have a high expectations of yourself coupled with bad experiences in "looking after yourself" with potentially a small sprinkle of trust issues as well. I'm making potentially wild claims but I will elaborate with a personal story.

I was dating a women a couple of years ago. She was literally a 9.5 out of 10, blonde haired blue eyed babe. About a year after we moved in together, she lost her job. I was doing relatively well enough for myself so I told her no worries, I'll sort all the finances out while you look for another job. In the beginning she did send out her CV, go for interviews etc but none of them panned out.

She started becoming despondent with finding a job in her industry so I started "guiding" her to a place where she could study whatever else it is she wants to do. I got her text books, taught her the math she needed for her new interest etc etc but each of them fizzled out over a month or three. After many conversations about it, I really just started to realize that she was not a "go getter". She was more than happy to be at home everyday.

Throughout this, she cooked, cleaned, did my basic admin and all the rest. I was relatively happy with that aspect. What really started bugging me was questions like what happens if my arms get chopped off and I can't make a living as an example. Similar to some of the concerns you've mentioned as well. I know there's insurance for this etc etc but I realized there's much deeper seated issues at play here. Similar to your holiday example, she would also make a mess of anything of moderate complexity. She didn't really have any hobbies and just seemed to lack curiosity in life.

One day there was a large fire in a field behind our house. Neighbor phoned me and let me know, I went outside to check. It was serious and reasonably close to the house. I ran inside, told her to come and look and that we need to f*** off out of here immediately. I told her to grab clothes for tomorrow and went to find the dog. By the time I got the dog together and back to her, she hadn't done anything and was essentially paralyzed with fear. I had to scream at her like I've never screamed at anyone before to get her to get the f*** up and move.

For me personally, I realized that as much as women want security, as a man, I want security as well. This goes almost more to the emotional side than the financial side. I started to feel like I couldn't trust her to handle an emergency situation well. Personally, I have no family and I've been my own responsibility for around half of my 30 years so far.

After that I just knew 100% we were not compatible. I want to build, grow, improve etc. I also want to know if sh** hits the fan, I can trust my partner to handle it.

I can relate so well to where you're coming from with this. Unfortunately I don't think there's a way to make someone "get it". You're going to have to move on if you want the security you're looking for.
 
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Harmonic said:
Only on page 4 of the thread so far but I'll offer my 2c anyway...

To OP, it sounds like you could have a high expectations of yourself coupled with bad experiences in "looking after yourself" with potentially a small sprinkle of trust issues as well. I'm making potentially wild claims but I will elaborate with a personal story.

I was dating a women a couple of years ago. She was literally a 9.5 out of 10, blonde haired blue eyed babe. About a year after we moved in together, she lost her job. I was doing relatively well enough for myself so I told her no worries, I'll sort all the finances out while you look for another job. In the beginning she did send out her CV, go for interviews etc but none of them panned out.

She started becoming despondent with finding a job in her industry so I started "guiding" her to a place where she could study whatever else it is she wants to do. I got her text books, taught her the math she needed for her new interest etc etc but each of them fizzled out over a month or three. After many conversations about it, I really just started to realize that she was not a "go getter". She was more than happy to be at home everyday.

Throughout this, she cooked, cleaned, did my basic admin and all the rest. I was relatively happy with that aspect. What really started bugging me was questions like what happens if my arms get chopped off and I can't make a living as an example. Similar to some of the concerns you've mentioned as well. I know there's insurance for this etc etc but I realized there's much deeper seated issues at play here. Similar to your holiday example, she would also make a mess of anything of moderate complexity. She didn't really have any hobbies and just seemed to lack curiosity in life.

One day there was a large fire in a field behind our house. Neighbor phoned me and let me know, I went outside to check. It was serious and reasonably close to the house. I ran inside, told her to come and look and that we need to f*** off out of here immediately. I told her to grab clothes for tomorrow and went to find the dog. By the time I got the dog together and back to her, she hadn't done anything and was essentially paralyzed with fear. I had to scream at her like I've never screamed at anyone before to get he f*** up and move.

For me personally, I realized that as much as women want security, as a man, I want security as well. This goes almost more to the emotional side than the financial side. I started to feel like I couldn't trust her to handle an emergency situation well. Personally, I have no family and I've been my own responsibility for around half of my 30 years so far.

After that I just knew 100% we were not compatible. I want to build, grow, improve etc. I also want to know if sh** hits the fan, I can trust my partner to handle it.

I can relate so well to where you're coming from with this. Unfortunately I don't think there's a way to make someone "get it". You're going to have to move on if you want the security you're looking for.
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9.5/10 blonde cant get a job
What movie is this
 
radicalRaspberry said:
Why do some men feel that cooking is this metaphorical mount-fecking-everest that they simply cannot overcome? You spend your Sunday preparing your meals for the week.

You grill a chicken. You make a kilo spaghetti, you add 500 grams of mince to the spaghetti. You make a 2.5 liters of lentil soup and you put 5 big regular and sweet potatoes in the microwave for 8 - 12 minutes. You can cook some frozen mixed veg in olive oil as well. Buy some good bread for the soup.

You portion your lunches and suppers. 4 chicken meals, three spaghetti meals, three soup meals. Monday's food goes in the fridge the rest of the weeks goes in the freezer. Take your food out for the day, the night before and it will be defrosted when you wake up in the morning.

Eat your oats or pronutro in the morning and you are set to go, but ffs nobody needs anybody else to cook for them. Take some peanut brittle or an oats choc bar with you if you need a pick-me-up during the day.
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As far as cooking goes etc, I see it this way as well. Cooking unfortunately can't replace a deeper seated desire to achieve something in life.
 
Mike Hoxbig said:
Then get her to pull her weight equally. It doesn't have to be financial, she could take over all the household stuff to make the load fair.

The problem is just being a leech who does nothing, or who still expects you to do your share around the house in addition to bringing in the money. If the relationship is fine and she's not messing around then find a way to balance it. It's a ballache to go through the dating scene again to find someone compatible...
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This is literally the worst reason in the book to stay with someone
 
radicalRaspberry said:
Why do some men feel that cooking is this metaphorical mount-fecking-everest that they simply cannot overcome? You spend your Sunday preparing your meals for the week.

You grill a chicken. You make a kilo spaghetti, you add 500 grams of mince to the spaghetti. You make a 2.5 liters of lentil soup and you put 5 big regular and sweet potatoes in the microwave for 8 - 12 minutes. You can cook some frozen mixed veg in olive oil as well. Buy some good bread for the soup.

You portion your lunches and suppers. 4 chicken meals, three spaghetti meals, three soup meals. Monday's food goes in the fridge the rest of the weeks goes in the freezer. Take your food out for the day, the night before and it will be defrosted when you wake up in the morning.

Eat your oats or pronutro in the morning and you are set to go, but ffs nobody needs anybody else to cook for them. Take some peanut brittle or an oats choc bar with you if you need a pick-me-up during the day.
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You posting from prison?
 
OP you don't need someone to acknowledge your feelings for them to be valid.
You are not married but living together and need a break. She is just a financially dependent roommate She has given up on life and life is about living. Your presence in her life is not improving her but worsening her. You two both collectively are worse than added individually. As simple as that. She has to sort herself out. Her parents have to sort themselves out. Things are going to get 100X times worse with age if you let it continue. Dependence will get so much worse. You tell her you need to go on a break. Deep down she probably resents you. You also will resent her more and more.

She isn't close to the person you entered the relationship. She does the bare minimum and doesn't even fill the role of a housewife. Tell her you want a break so both you guys can sort each other out. This is the best time to do it.
 
Harmonic said:
This is literally the worst reason in the book to stay with someone
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It's not a reason to stay with someone. If the relationship is fine in all aspects apart from financial contributions, do you really need to go through the dating kak again...
 
Mike Hoxbig said:
What does the lack of happiness stem from? That she's not contributing as much financially - then that's equally a kak reason to leave someone...
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Not necessarily. It doesn't have to be "as much". Financial success often follows what I would call "mental success". You can have "mental success" without the financial success part. Outside of winning the lottery or getting a solid inheritance, it's almost impossible to have financial success without the "mental success" coming first.

"Mental success" is what the OP is after. It's a requirement for me personally as well. Finances mean nothing at the end of the day. It's not neccessarily finances that are the problem. It's attitude to life. Finances, however, are reflected in the daily hustle of life. It's a secondary thing and not the root cause
 
Harmonic said:
If you're not happy, yes!
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Yeah, but in OPs case, I'd question this particular aspect of unhappiness.

He has 18 years with this woman, and he met her in his 20s. They're probably both towards/in their early 40s. He says she is loyal, and they had great chemistry earlier on. You can rekindle that.

Have you seen the dating pool these days? What exactly is he going to find? Single moms with kids (the exact thing he does not want) and past trauma/baggage? A woman who doesn't want kids (like his current spouse)? A woman who is going to have a career and build something with him? They're going to expect him to foot the bill! They're looking for a provider.

He is dropping her all because of 1 quality she doesn't have, but forgets the qualities she does have (which mirror his) and the time spent together.

I'm all for getting out and realizing the sunk cost fallacy, but he has, by today's fscked up dating pool, a decent contender (based on his preferences) with 18 years of history and loyalty.
 
r4nd0m said:
Yeah, but in OPs case, I'd question this particular aspect of unhappiness.

He has 18 years with this woman, and he met her in his 20s. They're probably both towards/in their early 40s. He says she is loyal, and they had great chemistry earlier on. You can rekindle that.

Have you seen the dating pool these days? What exactly is he going to find? Single moms with kids (the exact thing he does not want) and past trauma/baggage? A woman who doesn't want kids (like his current spouse)? A woman who is going to have a career and build something with him? They're going to expect him to foot the bill! They're looking for a provider.

He is dropping her all because of 1 quality she doesn't have, but forgets the qualities she does have (which mirror his) and the time spent together.

I'm all for getting out and realizing the sunk cost fallacy, but he has, by today's fscked up dating pool, a decent contender (based on his preferences) with 18 years of history and loyalty.
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This is irrelevant to be blunt, honest and frank. Rather be alone than settle for something that makes you unhappy. Lot's of what-ifs here. What if the dating pool is shallow, what if you can't find something etc

These rationalizations are all driven by fear.

It's this exact type of fear, if I understand and identify correctly, the OP is trying to escape.
 
Harmonic said:
"Mental success" is what the OP is after. It's a requirement for me personally as well. Finances mean nothing at the end of the day. It's not neccessarily finances that are the problem. It's attitude to life. Finances, however, are reflected in the daily hustle of life. It's a secondary thing and not the root cause
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You have been able to put into words exactly what I was trying to form in my head.

It feels like I could have written half the posts in this thread.
It's soul destroying to watch a clever, knowledgeable person regress back to basically childhood.
 
Harmonic said:
This is irrelevant to be blunt, honest and frank. Rather be alone than settle for something that makes you unhappy. Lot's of what-ifs here. What if the dating pool is shallow, what if you can't find something etc

These rationalizations are all driven by fear.

It's this exact type of fear, if I understand and identify correctly, the OP is trying to escape.
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I agree with you that solace is a valid path, but it's not so much fear, rather realizing what you have and knowing it's pretty good.

The unhappiness is on OP's end and most likely within himself because he's tired of being pappa provider. That's fine, but he went along with this for a good number of years. She's resigned herself to her gender role (sans kids).

If hypergamy were a man, it would be OP. It's no different than a chick wanting her partner to earn more and be more ambitious. The gender roles are turned on their heads. He now wants a modern setup but lived a traditional lifestyle for how long? 18 years he says.

He should have gunned for this back in his 20s when the working women didn't have kids to go with them.
 
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r4nd0m said:
I agree with you that solace is a valid path, but it's not so much fear, rather realizing what you have and knowing it's pretty good.

The unhappiness is on OP's end and most likely within himself because he's tired of being pappa provider. That's fine, but he went along with this for a good number of years. She's resigned herself to her gender role (sans kids).

If hypergamy were a man, it would be OP. It's no different than a chick wanting her partner to earn more and be more ambitious. The gender roles are turned on their heads. He now wants a modern setup but lived a traditional lifestyle for how long? 18 years he says.

He should have gunned for this back in his 20s when the working women didn't have kids to go with them.
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Then why isn't she taking care of the home? He's mentioned they share cleaning, cooking responsibilities. He has to do most of the shopping etc. If she was a slippers and whiskey in hand when he got home partner and everything from cleaning to admin was done. I'm sure he would have been happy.
 
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