Advice on ending a long term relationship

[r4nd0m]

At some point something has to change.

You say that this is what you want her to be, and you cite some valid reasons for her to become that, but if she doesn't want to or cannot, why don't you rather focus on what she can be?

She doesn't say no, she just fails, repeatedly.

Clearly this isn't for her, so why hammer the point home?

It seems like YOU are the one wanting her to be like this and she cannot. You either need to accept that and keep going forward or you need to let her go.

Don't make this about her 'finding her way' and 'becoming strong'. These are qualities YOU want her to manifest and become.

I think whatever you have gone through has changed your definition of what [your] woman should be and now you want her to follow suite.

Har har. She is happy being at home, and getting wined and dined. Visiting places and buying ****. Those needs are definitely still there.

This is how it always has been for the majority of women. YOU are the provider, and they are the homemaker.

Why is this no longer sitting well with you?

 

[Polymathic]

How would you feel about having to live two lives, constantly amping up someone else out of low self esteem, cause they try half heartedly and fail. You have to be the broad shoulders, always. End of the month swings around, and big eyes staring at me to go buy groceries, to pay for everything. Everything.

You're describing at least 85% of women there.

How would you feel giving your wife money to buy you a birthday present? And then taking her to the shop and picking it out for yourself.

This seems like a red flag, makes me wonder if she has somebody else on the side. If there any female forumites lurking, your input would on this would be great.

How would you feel saying the same funking **** over year in, year out. And getting exactly the same result.

At some point something has to change.

Change comes at a price though.

 

[richjdavies]

... just me or is this starting to sound more and more like depression.

 

[NR7]

This seems like a red flag, makes me wonder if she has somebody else on the side. If there any female forumites lurking, your input would on this would be great.

Nah, she probably doesn't drive. The guy mentioned he had to sell cars and stuff a few years back so I doubt she has any means of transport so obvs she would have to go with him.

 

[Thugscub]

OP
Go out.
Klomppomp.
Go and enjoy your life. You only live it once.
Fek the miserable Idiots.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

You say that this is what you want her to be, and you cite some valid reasons for her to become that, but if she doesn't want to or cannot, why don't you rather focus on what she can be?

Clearly this isn't for her, so why hammer the point home?

It seems like YOU are the one wanting her to be like this and she cannot. You either need to accept that and keep going forward or you need to let her go.

Don't make this about her 'finding her way' and 'becoming strong'. These are qualities YOU want her to manifest and become.

I think whatever you have gone through has changed your definition of what [your] woman should be and now you want her to follow suite.


This is how it always has been for the majority of women. YOU are the provider, and they are the homemaker.

Why is this no longer sitting well with you?

It is what both of us signed up for, and what both of us where.

I didn't assume her goals and ambitions in life, we talked about it many times. At many stages of our lives.

I kept working on myself, she fell behind. I tried to help her forward, she did less, cause I'm pulling harder.

How is me expecting the context she set for me unfair?

 

[NR7]

... just me or is this starting to sound more and more like depression.

I'd agree with you. From the sounds of it, this guy was fine with what his partner was doing when everything was grand and they were touring the world.
Now when things have been tight for a few years and he has had to give up stuff like a car etc, deep down he hates the fact that nothing has changed for her as she is at home without much stress and hasn't had to give up anything while he has to slave the whole week to make ends meet.

I bet that even if she did get a job making minimum wage it would still not be good enough for him because she would only be contributing 20% instead of 50/50 or some kak like that.

I think that to fix this relationship the OP needs a lot more couples therapy than just a thread on MyBB.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

... just me or is this starting to sound more and more like depression.

Been there, got the t-shirt, I know what her depression looks like. She is not currently depressed.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Nah, she probably doesn't drive. The guy mentioned he had to sell cars and stuff a few years back so I doubt she has any means of transport so obvs she would have to go with him.

She never learnt to drive, I tried to teach her, (manual and auto) but it gave her serious anxiety, due to some **** prior to our relationship. So uber is pretty much her go to.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

I'd agree with you. From the sounds of it, this guy was fine with what his partner was doing when everything was grand and they were touring the world.
Now when things have been tight for a few years and he has had to give up stuff like a car etc, deep down he hates the fact that nothing has changed for her as she is at home without much stress and hasn't had to give up anything while he has to slave the whole week to make ends meet.

I bet that even if she did get a job making minimum wage it would still not be good enough for him because she would only be contributing 20% instead of 50/50 or some kak like that.

I think that to fix this relationship the OP needs a lot more couples therapy than just a thread on MyBB.

Bru, I'd be happy if she bought groceries one week in a month. Don't assume you know me. Just ask.

I want her to stop having me drive her life. I want her to not need me.

 

[backstreetboy]

 

[airborne]

She never learnt to drive, I tried to teach her, (manual and auto) but it gave her serious anxiety, due to some **** prior to our relationship. So uber is pretty much her go to.

Not wanting to even learn how to drive, that's a pretty sad and does indicate a serious lack of ambition or even adventure in her life, which is a personality trait that is not flattering. I can imagine coupled with the other factors after all is said and done the spark is properly gone.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Not wanting to even learn how to drive, that's a pretty sad and does indicate a serious lack of ambition or even adventure in her life, which is a personality trait that is not flattering. I can imagine coupled with the other factors after all is said and done the spark is properly gone.

Has been for close on 3 years. Even after 2 european holidays. Fun for sure. But no flame.

 

[airborne]

Not too bad actually. I cook for myself, I do laundry myself, I clean my living spaces myself. I live within my means and to be honest I'm happy.

I don't actually hate my family, to the contrary I have nothing but peace towards them. I actually told my mother that she has given me plenty reasons to hold a grudge. In certain ways I think I may be entitled to one, but I'm choosing to let all my resentment and anger just go. Being bitter just like being offended is a choice.

Still, I have to take them in small doses. If time spent with my family is short and infrequent enough then it can stay civil, but boy after the second brandy and coke the whole affair turns to sh@t. I just need to sod off before the alcohol removes everyone's inhibitions and I become the convenient punching bag

I'm also fortunately past the resentment stage, it's really tiring and heavy to carry that. Thank god that's over because it keeps you stuck in a really miserable self perpetuating loop.
The small doses thing and not having too many of them in one place is the reason I gave Xmas a miss, all of them at once is too much negativity to handle and then they start ganging up on each other, ai.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Thing is, I have given her all the support, love and resources anyone could for her to build herself into a better person. I've been intense, I've backed off completely. I've said lots, I've said little. And nothing motivates her like she was motivated in her 20s.

She has no reason to be depresses, she has zero stress, and her life was easy. Maybe she needed those things all along? Which would be a complete find muck.

 

[airborne]

Has been for close on 3 years. Even after 2 european holidays. Fun for sure. But no flame.

Have you sat her down before and told her straight how you feel, that the spark is gone, the relationship feels hollow and that you can't carry on just going through the paces?

 

[airborne]

Thing is, I have given her all the support, love and resources anyone could for her to build herself into a better person. I've been intense, I've backed off completely. I've said lots, I've said little. And nothing motivates her like she was motivated in her 20s.

She has no reason to be depresses, she has zero stress, and her life was easy. Maybe she needed those things all along? Which would be a complete find muck.

Depression isn't just related to stress, her situation as you have outlined is perfect conditions for depression to settle in, lack of drive or need to provide, meaninglessness etc. I'd say a good kick in her pants right about now would help show what she is really about, either way - depressed or she's just let herself become lazy and boring.

 

[B-1]

Thing is, I have given her all the support, love and resources anyone could for her to build herself into a better person. I've been intense, I've backed off completely. I've said lots, I've said little. And nothing motivates her like she was motivated in her 20s.

She has no reason to be depresses, she has zero stress, and her life was easy. Maybe she needed those things all along? Which would be a complete find muck.

You cant make someone do things. They either want to or have to out of necessity. Sounds like she wants to be a kept woman and not have any responsibilities or drive. Thats something you will have to press to find the answer to and then decide if you are OK with whatever she really wants. I think the biggest problem here is she isn't willing to be honest with you and leads you on these wild goose chases where you try and pave the path for her to stroll down to become whatever the latest thing is but she really is just doing it to give you hope. You say you have had lots of conversations from your side has she ever been honest with you about what she wants from life?

 

[Snyper564]

Just curious what does a typical day look like for her then?

Wake up eat breakfast lunch dinner and do nothing?

 

[RedViking]

Just curious what does a typical day look like for her then?

Wake up eat breakfast lunch dinner and do nothing?

I know someone of the opposite sex who is like that. Wife is working. Difference is he had an inheritance in the millions. Now he has nothing. Literally sit at home and play playstation while wife has to work and take care of the little kids. She used to sit at home doing absolutely nothing while he wasted away the inheritance on junk, until they had nothing and the kid(s) has to eat. The idiot also went ahead and married the useless thing after all his money was gone, you know, because of the kids. However, I do think she and the mother is to blame as well for the current situation, especially the mother. Once the mother is dead, both of them is gonna be in big poo poo. The poor sot won't be able to feed his wife or kids.

Some people are perfectly happy sitting at home doing nothing. Also great for the depression.