Advice on ending a long term relationship

Snyper564 said:
Also 4th time what did she do for work in the past?
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He did answer in #114.

I still don't get OP's logic w.r.t leaving her in order for her to improve. I mean he says that he loves her, but he's ready to bolt.

Either this isn't the complete story or OP hasn't explained all of it well. If he's just unhappy and can't tolerate her, there's no need to sugar coat it.

If you love someone, you stick with them and guide them even though they're an idiot. She would be better with your guidance than without.
 
r4nd0m said:
He did answer in #114.

I still don't get OP's logic w.r.t leaving her in order for her to improve. I mean he says that he loves her, but he's ready to bolt.

Either this isn't the complete story or OP hasn't explained all of it well. If he's just unhappy and can't tolerate her, there's no need to sugar coat it.

If you love someone, you stick with them and guide them even though they're an idiot. She would be better with your guidance than without.
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Missed it thanks!
 
Snyper564 said:
Not to be funny but you likely an enabler - esp as we 18 years into this not a few months. If you both 40 this is literally half her life.

If something happens to you she will likely be fine - nothing "wakes" you up quicker than being thrown in the deep and and having to make things happen.

As I said sit her down chat through this set defined goals and work towards it together.
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Bru, what is an enabler? By your definition.

Cause I hooked up with this chick when I was 22, we hit it off like crazy. Grew through our 20s, and 30s. I thought okay, this is my life partner, no bs, no ****, just life and all its beauty and thorns.

Then hard times rolls around, and I'm standing there holding the bag. So I do my duty, and pull us through. And do so well that I can afford a house even after being deep in the kak. A few years prior.

The only thing I enabled was for myself and my life partner to try and live a semblance of a decent life. I absolutely tried to enable that.

She's about to wake up as you call it. But not cause I want her to have one. Cause life is far from easy.

I have sat her down, more than once, with no aggression, I have given her no reason to stop working on herself. It's always been respect and support. I've tried my dude. Honest to goodness.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Bru, what is an enabler? By your definition.

Cause I hooked up with this chick when I was 22, we hit it off like crazy. Grew through our 20s, and 30s. I thought okay, this is my life partner, no bs, no ****, just life and all its beauty and thorns.

Then hard times rolls around, and I'm standing there holding the bag. So I do my duty, and pull us through. And do so well that I can afford a house even after being deep in the kak. A few years prior.

The only thing I enabled was for myself and my life partner to try and live a semblance of a decent life. I absolutely tried to enable that.

She's about to wake up as you call it. But not cause I want her to have one. Cause life is far from easy.

I have sat her down, more than once, with no aggression, I have given her no reason to stop working on herself. It's always been respect and support. I've tried my dude. Honest to goodness.
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Reading through some of the posts seems like you have likely been working on it for quite a while actually. Apologies missed this. Been a crazy last few days - my bad.

All I can suggest is maybe kicking it up a notch. Thats why I said sit down set goals and make them small and attainable and work together on them.

You gonna need to be a little tougher not aggressive but tougher. Also figure out what you want. If its not financial only then maybe say im happy to pull all the weight financially but then I want you to solely run the house.


Polymathic said:
Did the OP tell us his and her partner's age?
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40
 
r4nd0m said:
He did answer in #114.

I still don't get OP's logic w.r.t leaving her in order for her to improve. I mean he says that he loves her, but he's ready to bolt.

Either this isn't the complete story or OP hasn't explained all of it well. If he's just unhappy and can't tolerate her, there's no need to sugar coat it.

If you love someone, you stick with them and guide them even though they're an idiot. She would be better with your guidance than without.
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I have come to the conclusion that trying to show her how to swim, loading her onto my back and paddling like hell and literally paying someone to teach her (hardware and online courses) has done f***all but made her more afraid of water.

I'm not "ready to bolt" I would be bolting to empty loneliness. That's not something to look forward to, for anyone. I got here cause you can only think of one other option, and that's for her to sink or swim on her own, and find me if she wants to. Regardless.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
We've been glued to each other for 18 years straight, no cheating, no missteps, no bs.
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Legit sounds like she's the ideal partner. Never cheats, not ambitious which also means she won't try go for a man more attractive/successful than you.

Wife her up already, pop out a kid and let her play housewife forever.
 
Snyper564 said:
Reading through some of the posts seems like you have likely been working on it for quite a while actually. Apologies missed this. Been a crazy last few days - my bad.

All I can suggest is maybe kicking it up a notch. Thats why I said sit down set goals and make them small and attainable and work together on them.

You gonna need to be a little tougher not aggressive but tougher. Also figure out what you want. If its not financial only then maybe say im happy to pull all the weight financially but then I want you to solely run the house.



40
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I don't want her to run the house, I want her to run herself. That's the crux of the matter. She has given up on making anything of herself without me being the driving force behind it, me being responsible for it.

Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate it.
 
NR7 said:
Legit sounds like she's the ideal partner. Never cheats, not ambitious which also means she won't try go for a man more attractive/successful than you.

Wife her up already, pop out a kid and let her play housewife forever.
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I prefer someone with a backbone, and they do be rare. I'm not looking for a mother, I'm looking to be the corner stone to someone who is strong in their own way.

**** having kids, not my vibe, not hers either. We both not interested.

As much as this is considered "the life" its not my idea of one. :)
 
Snyper564 said:
Reading through some of the posts seems like you have likely been working on it for quite a while actually. Apologies missed this. Been a crazy last few days - my bad.

All I can suggest is maybe kicking it up a notch. Thats why I said sit down set goals and make them small and attainable and work together on them.

You gonna need to be a little tougher not aggressive but tougher. Also figure out what you want. If its not financial only then maybe say im happy to pull all the weight financially but then I want you to solely run the house.



40
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At that age the OP should ask himself whether her not working is enough of a reason to disrupt his life.
In general, though women in their 40s tend to get more set in their ways and current style of living. There's no surprise that the OP's partner feels the way she does.
 
NR7 said:
If that's his age then this thread makes even less sense. The dating pool at that age is mostly those who couldn't make marriage work or that have some other guy's kids that are going to cost more than this guy's current partner.
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Not interested in anyone else, raising another mans kids or a baggage from a previous relationship. its this chick, or no one, end of. I'm well aware of that. Brutally so.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
I prefer someone with a backbone, and they do be rare. I'm not looking for a mother, I'm looking to be the corner stone to someone who is strong in their own way.

**** having kids, not my vibe, not hers either. We both not interested.

As much as this is considered "the life" its not my idea of one. :)
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Doesn't she have a backbone by telling you "No" when you tell her to make money?

Why not try something that's not strong arming her into more studying/actual job. Try get her involved in the chilled stuff most unemployed women do, like selling Avon and Tupperware.
Not going to be bringing in much money at all but it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully calm the section of your brain that woke up a decade late wanting a strong successful woman.
 
Polymathic said:
At that age the OP should ask himself whether her not working is enough of a reason to disrupt his life.
In general, though women in their 40s tend to get more set in their ways and current style of living. There's no surprise that the OP's partner feels the way she does.
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How would you feel about having to live two lives, constantly amping up someone else out of low self esteem, cause they try half heartedly and fail. You have to be the broad shoulders, always. End of the month swings around, and big eyes staring at me to go buy groceries, to pay for everything. Everything.

How would you feel giving your wife money to buy you a birthday present? And then taking her to the shop and picking it out for yourself.

How would you feel saying the same funking **** over year in, year out. And getting exactly the same result.

At some point something has to change.
 
NR7 said:
Doesn't she have a backbone by telling you "No" when you tell her to make money?

Why not try something that's not strong arming her into more studying/actual job. Try get her involved in the chilled stuff most unemployed women do, like selling Avon and Tupperware.
Not going to be bringing in much money at all but it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully calm the section of your brain that woke up a decade late wanting a strong successful woman.
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She doesn't say no, she just fails, repeatedly.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
How would you feel about having to live two lives, constantly amping up someone else out of low self esteem, cause they try half heartedly and fail. You have to be the broad shoulders, always. End of the month swings around, and big eyes staring at me to go buy groceries, to pay for everything. Everything.

How would you feel giving your wife money to buy you a birthday present? And then taking her to the shop and picking it out for yourself.

How would you feel saying the same funking **** over year in, year out. And getting exactly the same result.

At some point something has to change.
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Sounds like she lost the will to even breath for herself.
 
NR7 said:
Doesn't she have a backbone by telling you "No" when you tell her to make money?

Why not try something that's not strong arming her into more studying/actual job. Try get her involved in the chilled stuff most unemployed women do, like selling Avon and Tupperware.
Not going to be bringing in much money at all but it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully calm the section of your brain that woke up a decade late wanting a strong successful woman.
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She has zero social life. That dropped off the map when she left a stable job.

Yeah a decade of hope, a decade of trying, and a decade of wasting resources.

Don't make that mistake. It's costly.
 
RedViking said:
Sounds like she lost the will to even breath for herself.
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Har har. She is happy being at home, and getting wined and dined. Visiting places and buying ****. Those needs are definitely still there, and I was still trying to at least try and be a little suave. Thinking, maybe if we revisit some of our old haunts, I could catch a glimpse of the fire she had in her.

Nope. The kudu fillet was great tho!
 
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