Advice on ending a long term relationship

[Mike Hoxbig]

Why do some men feel that cooking is this metaphorical mount-fecking-everest that they simply cannot overcome? You spend your Sunday preparing your meals for the week.

You grill a chicken. You make a kilo spaghetti, you add 500 grams of mince to the spaghetti. You make a 2.5 liters of lentil soup and you put 5 big regular and sweet potatoes in the microwave for 8 - 12 minutes. You can cook some frozen mixed veg in olive oil as well. Buy some good bread for the soup.

You portion your lunches and suppers. 4 chicken meals, three spaghetti meals, three soup meals. Monday's food goes in the fridge the rest of the weeks goes in the freezer. Take your food out for the day, the night before and it will be defrosted when you wake up in the morning.

Eat your oats or pronutro in the morning and you are set to go, but ffs nobody needs anybody else to cook for them. Take some peanut brittle or an oats choc bar with you if you need a pick-me-up during the day.

It's not rocket science. I would just rather not do it, and spend the time on something I enjoy more...

 

[r4nd0m]

Yep, we pulled each other out of depression. Literally.

She left cause they kept upping her responsibility and hours, for little to no benefit. So we discussed her taking a break over a December (2008) and kicking off a new job in Jan. That never happened.

You spent a lot of time with this person with so many obstacles overcome. Be very sure you want to end this.

18 years with a person isn't something to write off lightly.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

The third time I ask this.

What
Did
She
Do?!

Fraud Analyst for a bank.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this. If I'm reading things correctly you essentially have a dependant that is wholly attached to you and thats not what you want. When you got into the relationship your partner had their own identity and ambitions and you were going to be a partnership. Now you have this dependency of someone who really doesn't want to be anything of their own, but there are no kids to look after and by the sounds of things the home tasks are still a joint affair so responsibility is heavily skewed towards you. Financially, emotionally and effort wise.

I like Vikings idea of a trial separation, that should really show you their colours. Either they will put in the effort to change or they will blame everything on you. I believe you have been very clear to them that you are unhappy and they have refused to change and take your well being to heart. You are also allowed to be happy in the relationship.

Spot on. So right in so many ways. And that is currently the plan.

Thank you for your comment.

 

[skimread]

Me, it's been me all this time. For 6 years, it's been me. Her patents tried to extract money from her. I put a stop to that.

Huge red flag that her parents try get money from her and are gamblers. She has a very bad example that she is following. The parents example and her upbringing play a huge role in the values and habits of their children.

You need to think what happens when you get old. You and her don't have kids so no one to look after you when you are old. When she doesn't add anything then resentment will get 100X worse. It will be like living with a roommate or a stranger you don't like, just arguing about money issues. Now is time to work together and not against each other. If a break from both each other is needed to reflect and grow as a person then that's best. It would be cruel to leave it when she will have less time to sort herself out.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

tl;dr
get her a strapon to let her bugger you some more
joke aside;
lawyer up, she's going to suck on your tit for a long as possible - you've created her "normal". this may be exactly what she was waiting for all these years. leachy.
you will soon find out how vindictive a scorned woman can be, at least there's no kids to traumatize.
it's in your best interest to split amicably, keep emotion out of this as much as possible. record everything, get everything in writing. ensure that the split will be good for both, you could also be the "fire" extinguisher in her life
three sides, yours, hers and the truth - the internet advice will slant in your favor, your post after all

I am well aware of all of this, but it is good reading it from someone else. As sharp as your comment is, I value it, thank you.

 

[neoprema]

Howzit boys.

So about a 4 months ago, I gave the missus an ultimatum, after 10 years of trying to get her skilled up and contributing to the household in a financially meaningful way. We've been glued to each other for 18 years straight, no cheating, no missteps, no bs.

But, Sh__ got real dire about 3 years ago, and I had to pull both my thumbs out my ass, to get us back on track, almost lost the house, sold a car, and burned through most of my savings.

At no point, could she, or did she help, that's when I started thinking, this cherry won the lottery, and that ain't right by me.

We never made offspring, so it's a clean split, she goes her way, I go mine. Sure there is always paperwork, insurance and all that kak, but that is minor.

Here is the thing, on the one end, she is a financial burden, I'm paying for two, and have been for a good long while now. She helps where she can, around the house, cooks sometimes, tries to learn new skills, but nothing she has tried makes her any cash. She hasn't helped with so much as groceries for a week, in 10 years.

Now for the advice part, and where I'm like, should I just go straight Sub Zero and send her on her way. Cause when she walks out that front door she is homeless, jobless and up **** creek with no boat, paddle or family.

I sat her down 2 years ago and I warned her, it ain't always going to be moonshine and roses, and I kept reminding her, she needs to be able / capable of looking after herself, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

And then 4 months ago, I asked her to book us a weekend away, and she just made such a mess of it, it ended up with us not going, and refunds not available.

I funking lost it, and told her, she has until Jan to start contributing. Even if it's only paying for take-aways on a weekend.

It's the 25th, Xmas day. 3 guesses who bought and cooked Xmas lunch?

So, here is the question.

a) Send her packing, straight, no chaser.
b) Send her packing, but help for another 6 months
c) Try some more, and hope this time is different.

I'm going to sound very sexist here but bear with me.
It IS usually in many cultures, the responsibility of the man to provide for the household financially. And through time it has become a need for the wife/SO/partner to do the same. In many lands its also the other way around and the wife is often primary breadwinner etc. etc. I'm not saying any way is better than the other. But as a man you should be able to provide and given what you said it sounds to me that you had problems doing that and it has affected you emotionally, and psychologically and possibly you're coping by projecting that onto her to find a solution?

Either way, what i'm getting to is that you've focused on her lack of ability to provide financially but what about everything else that makes up a home? Does she clean? Does she keep the house presentable? Is she good to you? Is she loving? You mentioned she's never cheated - that's rare in these times and someting positive? Not that important in the scheme of things but still something to consider - is the sex good and does she make you feel loved?

I say all this as a single person but in my years i've seen that having a partner is oftne more than just about whether they can contribute to 1 thing, but how are they at contributing to everything. Some will excel in some places, some won't.

Perhaps you need to adjust your approach, if you want this relationship to continue, and have her focus on the things she does best and kindly, patiently tell her you'll handle all financial matters and spend etc because while she's good at (list them) - she's not too great at money and you're also not great at (list them) which is why you're letting her handle that.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

I can empathize with MND to an extent.

I chose to walk away after 14 years and R80k that I spent on courses for her over those years so she can invest in herself and eventually help me out financially.

She passed only ONE course, the others she just didn't bother attending because she lost interest.

It got to the point where we no longer had mutual friends and as a result we had very little to talk about because she would either spend time with friends or if she was home would sit on the phone all day.

Yes she did contribute by cooking and cleaning, but so did I. The connection we had just dwindled.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when she withdrew R5k from my account (we each had a card to my check account). This caused me to have too little money left over to service the bond.

I confronted her and she concocted a story about her parents urgently having needed money and she was going to tell me. A few days later I saw on her sister's FB they were having cocktails in Melkbosstrand the time the money was withdrawn.

That same day I called a lawyer friend of mine and started divorce proceedings because it dawned on me that she didn't give a shirt about our marriage anymore.

Not long after she told me she got accepted at a job at Amazon (we discussed those virtual assistant jobs on here) . It doesnt earn her much, but her eyes finally opened, but by that time I had already moved out (a year ago to the day incidentally) aand already paid the lawyer's fees.

I'm not going to struggle with someone for years and they only take me seriously once I initiated the divorce.

**** that.

Jesus Bru, Strongs. That's a hard road to walk. Good on you for making it out the other side. Thank you for sharing. This helps.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

If they aren't and dating as long as he said, then option a is still not possible. Living together for so long sets you up for awhile set of responsibilities in our law. Unless he sends her packing and she just accepts it and not see a lawyer, it's going to be a financial issue

We'll go and see a man about the law as soon as everything opens back up in Jan. I want her to sit and hear the same info I get.

Thank you for your insights.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Who's name is the property in, just btw?

Mine. I literally have to rewrite my will. But I'll wait a little before doing that.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Apart from the money issue, how's your relationship itself?

Does she at least pull her weight around the house by cooking and cleaning etc.? Is that not a contribution? When you have kids would she not be contributing by seeing to them?

Keep in mind that if she has to start working, you'll have to split the household load. Is that something you're willing to do?

Having been on both sides, I prefer my wife staying at home. I always have a lekker meal ready and the kid is seen to. When she was working we would have to split the load and it was a ballache. We had more money but at the cost of both our personal time.

Good luck. Don't rush into something over money alone, without considering all factors...

Relationship was going like gangbusters until she stopped working on herself. Imagine being able to nip out to a wine farm for a long weekend. Or fly to a game park when the mood takes you and the wife, that's what it was like. Cause we both contributed and worked / partied together.

Not going to have kids, we agreed on this from the outset. We both do housework, cleaning, laundry. Its a shared responsibility.

At the start she was working, and we shared the load, we contributed equally.

I appreciate the advice Mike

 

[MagNorthDigital]

This is some top shelf "justification" Hollywood rubbish if there ever was.

No - just be honest, you are sick of her lack of will to do anything and you want out. You're not leaving her for her sake, it's for yours. Be a man, be honest. People have done much much worse.

Those of us who get married and accept the "risk" both sign contracts and proclaim in front of witnesses "through sickness and health, until death do is part". Religious or not, if you say those words and don't live by it you are a lying SOB. And that is why it is totally understandable why many people do not do it, they want the possibility of an out both financially and I guess "ethically" since you never promise anything.

So kick her ass to the curb but don't say it's because of love.

Don't make love and commitment cheap.

Think what you will. I chose different, and I believe that "top shelf" justification.

I tried for years, NOT to let her go, I've explored every avenue to try and get her to find herself, her fire, her drive. Not cause it benefits me. Cause she needs it to survive. With or without me.

I've been honest with the 2 people that matter most to me, and here we are.

To answer you succinctly. Could I live with myself if she leaves me and makes a roaring success of herself. Hell yes! I'd be the first one to shake her hand in congratulations. Regardless of being in a relationship. That's how much I give a f*** about this person.

I just wish she would.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

I'm no expert here but as a human with feelings I would imagine the worst way to ending any relationship is the long, drawn-out, "is it on or is it off" option. For me being straight-up and to the point is painful but better in the long run for everybody.

Correct, that is not fair to either party.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Huge red flag that her parents try get money from her and are gamblers. She has a very bad example that she is following. The parents example and her upbringing play a huge role in the values and habits of their children.

You need to think what happens when you get old. You and her don't have kids so no one to look after you when you are old. When she doesn't add anything then resentment will get 100X worse. It will be like living with a roommate or a stranger you don't like, just arguing about money issues. Now is time to work together and not against each other. If a break from both each other is needed to reflect and grow as a person then that's best. It would be cruel to leave it when she will have less time to sort herself out.

This is exactly what I've been trying to avoid. Spot on 100% what I'm planning. Not interested in being cruel or unkind.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

I'm going to sound very sexist here but bear with me.
It IS usually in many cultures, the responsibility of the man to provide for the household financially. And through time it has become a need for the wife/SO/partner to do the same. In many lands its also the other way around and the wife is often primary breadwinner etc. etc. I'm not saying any way is better than the other. But as a man you should be able to provide and given what you said it sounds to me that you had problems doing that and it has affected you emotionally, and psychologically and possibly you're coping by projecting that onto her to find a solution?

Either way, what i'm getting to is that you've focused on her lack of ability to provide financially but what about everything else that makes up a home? Does she clean? Does she keep the house presentable? Is she good to you? Is she loving? You mentioned she's never cheated - that's rare in these times and someting positive? Not that important in the scheme of things but still something to consider - is the sex good and does she make you feel loved?

I say all this as a single person but in my years i've seen that having a partner is oftne more than just about whether they can contribute to 1 thing, but how are they at contributing to everything. Some will excel in some places, some won't.

Perhaps you need to adjust your approach, if you want this relationship to continue, and have her focus on the things she does best and kindly, patiently tell her you'll handle all financial matters and spend etc because while she's good at (list them) - she's not too great at money and you're also not great at (list them) which is why you're letting her handle that.

Reading this smarts so much, cause I tried all of this, 2 years ago. I've sat down with her with emotion and without. Example after example, attempt after attempt.

There was a time I felt loved and i loved, now, today, I feel like I'm looking after a family member. Zero attraction, just responsibility.

The thing she's not good at seems to be mastering herself. Taking herself forward. Why tf do I have to keep sponsoring a person and then drag them forward in life.

 

[Mike Hoxbig]

Relationship was going like gangbusters until she stopped working on herself. Imagine being able to nip out to a wine farm for a long weekend. Or fly to a game park when the mood takes you and the wife, that's what it was like. Cause we both contributed and worked / partied together.

Not going to have kids, we agreed on this from the outset. We both do housework, cleaning, laundry. Its a shared responsibility.

At the start she was working, and we shared the load, we contributed equally.

I appreciate the advice Mike

Then get her to pull her weight equally. It doesn't have to be financial, she could take over all the household stuff to make the load fair.

The problem is just being a leech who does nothing, or who still expects you to do your share around the house in addition to bringing in the money. If the relationship is fine and she's not messing around then find a way to balance it. It's a ballache to go through the dating scene again to find someone compatible...

 

[airborne]

In Afrikaans it is call die minste. Jy wees die minste. I don't know if it has any English equivalent, but it means taking care and consideration in how you deal with the people around you. My own family who I see twice a year for many years expected me to always compromise. While they as a matter of principle never did.

I always had to walk on eggshells so as to not offend there fragile egos. While they said what they ever hurtful sh@t they felt like without an ounce of consideration for what they did made me feel.

You keep doing these things for these people and they just fee there gatte af on everything you say. Then one day you just ask yourself if there is one good reason to keep on doing it. You cannot find one, so you stop.

How has that situation been working out for you?

I have the same thing, didn’t spent Xmas with the family this year because I realised wtf is the point, it’s a one way street where some members can do as they please but if I step an inch out of “line” all hell breaks loose. If I make any hint at bringing up the dysfunctional situation all I get is lip service or if that doesn’t work then they’ll lay on the gas lighting as thick af. When push comes to shove none of them have any interest in having a meaningful relationship and on top of that I’ll leave their presence feeling drained and demoralised so it dawned on me what’s the point of putting myself in their midst.

Apologies to the op for the slight derail.

 

[cguy]

Firstly, I appreciate the insight. It means a great deal.

Time, and resources is not the issue for me, I am not struggling, we are not in a situation where finances could aggravate this situation.

Reading the replies, accumulating points of view, really put everything into perspective.

This is about how long do you keep trying to carry someone past each milestone in your life, with you. More money, makes the load easier for sure, but it does not repair or improve the other person.

This, objectively, is... you can lead a horse to water...

I appreciate the clarity.

If it’s not about making ends meet, what does it matter? Why do you need her to “improve”? It sounds like you want to break up because she’s not meeting your standards of productivity.

Is the above correct?

 

[MagNorthDigital]

If it’s not about making ends meet, what does it matter? Why do you need her to “improve”? It sounds like you want to break up because she’s not meeting your standards of productivity.

Is the above correct?

Correct.

I seek to help her improve, cause if something happens to me, she is screwed. Not financially, she is screwed as a person, with no one to turn to.

She defers to me on anything important, but has an opinion about everything.

I seek to have her get back on her horse, to be self sufficient as a person. And this of course means building up her own support base, resources and confidence. Cause I can't pilot two coaches at the same time anymore. I cannot be high performance for both of us any more. It's funking exhausting.

 

[Snyper564]

Correct.

I seek to help her improve, cause if something happens to me, she is screwed. Not financially, she is screwed as a person, with no one to turn to.

She defers to me on anything important, but has an opinion about everything.

I seek to have her get back on her horse, to be self sufficient as a person. And this of course means building up her own support base, resources and confidence. Cause I can't pilot two coaches at the same time anymore. I cannot be high performance for both of us any more. It's funking exhausting.

Not to be funny but you likely an enabler - esp as we 18 years into this not a few months. If you both 40 this is literally half her life.

If something happens to you she will likely be fine - nothing "wakes" you up quicker than being thrown in the deep and and having to make things happen.

As I said sit her down chat through this set defined goals and work towards it together.