Advice on ending a long term relationship

[Snyper564]

I was there, supporting her, trying to get her to step up, for herself. I've been asking her to be my equal since her "good years".

I've been assisting her this entire time. Not only financially, but in terms of time, connections and space.

18 years is a long time for sure.

The third time I ask this.

What
Did
She
Do?!

 

[MagNorthDigital]

When I was still in SA, I was making 4x what my wife was making and was also looking after my in-laws. This was rather painful (they could really have done more to support themselves). These financial issues were causing a lot of relationship stress/friction.

I decided to take the approach of just tackling my finances (job change took my income up nearly 2x, and a bit later move overseas another 3x), and the support costs quickly became vanishingly small (and consequently I felt less taken advantage of).

Obviously one can’t just make more money on a whim, but there are usually such paths available given enough motivation. It may be worth looking into whether or not there are things you can do financially given that your current stressful situation can certainly serve as motivation to make career changes or take a leap of faith career wise.

Firstly, I appreciate the insight. It means a great deal.

Time, and resources is not the issue for me, I am not struggling, we are not in a situation where finances could aggravate this situation.

Reading the replies, accumulating points of view, really put everything into perspective.

This is about how long do you keep trying to carry someone past each milestone in your life, with you. More money, makes the load easier for sure, but it does not repair or improve the other person.

This, objectively, is... you can lead a horse to water...

I appreciate the clarity.

 

[SauRoNZA]

Thing is, no it wasn't just when things where going tough. After she left a decent job, I was interested in getting her another one, she wasn't. Things went smooth as silk, as long as I was working, hoping and supporting her. When all my time was going into making us better, building a long term future, her time was going in to herself. And failing to generate value.

Hard times just drained my resources, not hers, cause she had none.

Sounds like she may be suffering from depression.

Has she ever seen someone regarding mental well-being?

Why did she leave the job?

 

[B-1]

I'll get in touch with him, just to make sure. Thank you.

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this. If I'm reading things correctly you essentially have a dependant that is wholly attached to you and thats not what you want. When you got into the relationship your partner had their own identity and ambitions and you were going to be a partnership. Now you have this dependency of someone who really doesn't want to be anything of their own, but there are no kids to look after and by the sounds of things the home tasks are still a joint affair so responsibility is heavily skewed towards you. Financially, emotionally and effort wise.

I like Vikings idea of a trial separation, that should really show you their colours. Either they will put in the effort to change or they will blame everything on you. I believe you have been very clear to them that you are unhappy and they have refused to change and take your well being to heart. You are also allowed to be happy in the relationship.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

One other thing to add - if she is useless in terms of earning an income, then make her into a housewife/partner that is supporting you in your endeavors.

You say she has been loyal, so that counts for something.

Also consider dating today. If you think it's easy to find something fulfilling and meaningful in today's times, you need to think again. I can't even find a chick with prospects (any). A lot of them come with a premade family and emotional baggage. If you date enough of them, they start to become like carbon copies of each other, yet each one thinking they're so unique.

Right now, you have someone with history, loyalty and no kids. By today's yardstick, that is pretty good.

Which is exactly why I gave it everything I had. She was, is and will always be my only option. If it's not her, then it's literally no-one. AlI've fought with her, for her and about her.

My dude, I know this all too well, I've heard it from my friends all too often. And for a long time, that motivated me to try harder, to support her in whatever she wanted to attempt, to get her mentorship, to talk to her.

As far as future goes, I have made peace with the fact that'll die with her, or alone.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[chuckles_the_cnt]

tl;dr
get her a strapon to let her bugger you some more
joke aside;
lawyer up, she's going to suck on your tit for a long as possible - you've created her "normal". this may be exactly what she was waiting for all these years. leachy.
you will soon find out how vindictive a scorned woman can be, at least there's no kids to traumatize.
it's in your best interest to split amicably, keep emotion out of this as much as possible. record everything, get everything in writing. ensure that the split will be good for both, you could also be the "fire" extinguisher in her life
three sides, yours, hers and the truth - the internet advice will slant in your favor, your post after all

 

[MagNorthDigital]

- Nord of the South, the Black Book of a Reformed Viking Wisdom

It's not a crisis, I'm doing this at a time of peace. A time of rest. The crisis merely lit the fire a long time ago.

 

[AfricanTech]

I would want her to step up to the plate, even if I won the lottery yesterday. I've tried everything to get her to generate value for herself, but that seems to be my duty. She is happy hanging onto my back, emotionally.

We share duties around the house, we both cook, and clean.

If money was no object, i'd give her the same ultimatum.

Fair enough.

18 years is a long time to realise that she's not 'the one' but if that's where it's at then it's time to move on.

 

[Hamster]

a) Send her packing, straight, no chaser.

After 18 years of marriage I think the only way you'll get to not financially support her is after her death or if she messes up the divorce.

What's your marriage contract say btw (you have one right?). Even if it was outside + with accrual, given nearly two decades, she'll have claim to basically half your stuff.

Im not a lawyer, but get a good lawyer.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

As other pointed out contributing does not have to be monetary and I think you would be ok if she at least contributed in any other way which I assume from your comment she is not.

Tough one because you have been so long together , if nothing changed and it seems did not after all the talk option a might be best solution. Other wise it will drag forever.

The ship does seem to be heading for that harbour. I tried to get her to be her own captain, to take the wheel. But she was just happy to be on the boat.

Obrigado / Gracias for the insight.

 

[Hamster]

Did you not freely make a solemn and public vow to her and to Almighty God that you would remain faithful and united to her for the rest of your life no matter what the circumstances?

Luckily God forgives and I suspect He'll have sympathy in a case where a woman messed up the whole garden paradise everything.

 

[Dan C]

After 18 years of marriage I think the only way you'll get to not financially support her is after her death or if she messes up the divorce.

What's your marriage contract say btw (you have one right?). Even if it was outside + with accrual, given nearly two decades, she'll have claim to basically half your stuff.

Im not a lawyer, but get a good lawyer.

They never got married.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Silly girl. Now she will get nothing after being allowed to do nothing for so many years.
I think the laws are gonna change with regards to that soon.

Still get a lawyer, I would say.

I have been caring for my family since I was a teenager. Not always to the same capacity of course, but emotionally, physically and later financially. When ever there was a crisis, I had to solve it for them. I blame myself for allowing it for so many years. I don't know about a partner, mine is very sick and had to stop working but she is far from lazy, but I had to step back from my family, as much as it hurt, I realise me controlling their problems and bad decisions just enabled them to not think for themselves because when there is a problem Young Viking will solve it. Amazing what they can do when they need to solve problem, which they created, themselves. Also amazing the difference it makes on my marriage, which again, I blame myself for allowing it for so many years.


Maybe a period of seperation is a good idea? See if she is willing to wake up. But think about it carefully....

Viking, We've sat in the same boat, strained against the same currents. Blamed ourselves for not rowing hard enough.

And come to the same conclusions.

 

[backstreetboy]

The situation you're in OP is why I don't date anymore or have a relationship.

It's difficult to thrive in this world on a sole income and getting a partner who is not contributing anything (work, income, motivation, aid) makes you bitter (special circumstances aside).

People want a lot of you, but they give so little.

The problem here is you've let this carry on for 18 years and only now realized and had enough. In a marriage there must be some sort of recompense for the time she has spent with you.

If she is incapable as you say, part of that reason is because she was with you the whole time. Whether you enabled it or tried to guide her, 18 years is a long time. She will need assistance (financially), especially if you "took" her "good years" (youth, fertility, etc...).

Chatting strangers up in Woollies / Checkers didn't work out?

 

[Hamster]

They never got married.

That counts squat if you've lived together that long.

EDIT: wait, let me Google that just in case

EDIT 2: guh, seems like it's one of those false facts some of us believe in for some reason and that in RSA you can make a clean brake? And obviously I misread because I thought he was married.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Don’t you think you are somewhat responsible for having fostered this for 18 years?

Now you expect 2 years to turn it around.

All things considered this is as much your fault as hers.

2 years? I wish it was 2 years. I started talking to her a decade ago. But youth and hope blinded me to the obvious for a long time.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Chatting strangers up in Woollies / Checkers didn't work out?

Woolies cherries are expensive, and checkers cherries, hit and miss.

 

[r4nd0m]

Chatting strangers up in Woollies / Checkers didn't work out?

Getting an intro and dates isn't the problem. It's getting to know them and their personality.

My requirements aren't just something pretty to look at and be responsible for, but like OP has stressed, they have to bring something to the table other than fukky fukky and good looks.

Also, I don't want to be responsible for another man(men?)'s kids and emotional trauma he left her with. So many single moms, jeez. No thanks.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

The sex must have been REALLY good...

This gentleman will just straighten his blazer and say nothing.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Agree. I think a period of separation is fair at the least. Step away for maybe 3 - 6 months. Cut all financial ties. Keep the honesty and integrity and loyalty to each other. If nothing has changes after 3 - 6 months..... then consider a different approach. It will give you both time to reflect on the relationship and situation and make a decision with a clear mind.

This is basically what we agreed on. (Hence option B, being an option)