Advice on ending a long term relationship

We gonna have a problem with this thread as OP went mia at 3am... Till he pops up all we do is speculate
 
Doesn't work that way. Court is gonna make you pay for her for a long time. Of course we give the best advice on the internet, specially relationship advice, but do go see a good lawyer. Lawyer will also help you write a resignation letter.

I'm afraid you stuck with that madam, financially . So might as well help her bring out the best of her.

For a long time she didn't have to work. You allowed it. So now technically you are to blame for this as well. It only became a problem when things got a little bit tough. Doesn't it usually?
 
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If she’s not working then she should be maintaining close to 100% of the house in order to free up time and energy for you to work and relax.

What does she do while doing nothing? You need to take control of these enablers in order to focus her mind elsewhere.

What is she good at?

What are her reasons for underperforming?
 
The situation you're in OP is why I don't date anymore or have a relationship.

It's difficult to thrive in this world on a sole income and getting a partner who is not contributing anything (work, income, motivation, aid) makes you bitter (special circumstances aside).

People want a lot of you, but they give so little.

The problem here is you've let this carry on for 18 years and only now realized and had enough. In a marriage there must be some sort of recompense for the time she has spent with you.

If she is incapable as you say, part of that reason is because she was with you the whole time. Whether you enabled it or tried to guide her, 18 years is a long time. She will need assistance (financially), especially if you "took" her "good years" (youth, fertility, etc...).
 
When I was still in SA, I was making 4x what my wife was making and was also looking after my in-laws. This was rather painful (they could really have done more to support themselves). These financial issues were causing a lot of relationship stress/friction.

I decided to take the approach of just tackling my finances (job change took my income up nearly 2x, and a bit later move overseas another 3x), and the support costs quickly became vanishingly small (and consequently I felt less taken advantage of).

Obviously one can’t just make more money on a whim, but there are usually such paths available given enough motivation. It may be worth looking into whether or not there are things you can do financially given that your current stressful situation can certainly serve as motivation to make career changes or take a leap of faith career wise.
 
One other thing to add - if she is useless in terms of earning an income, then make her into a housewife/partner that is supporting you in your endeavors.

You say she has been loyal, so that counts for something.

Also consider dating today. If you think it's easy to find something fulfilling and meaningful in today's times, you need to think again. I can't even find a chick with prospects (any). A lot of them come with a premade family and emotional baggage. If you date enough of them, they start to become like carbon copies of each other, yet each one thinking they're so unique.

Right now, you have someone with history, loyalty and no kids. By today's yardstick, that is pretty good.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
It's the 25th, Xmas day. 3 guesses who bought and cooked Xmas lunch?
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As other pointed out contributing does not have to be monetary and I think you would be ok if she at least contributed in any other way which I assume from your comment she is not.

Tough one because you have been so long together , if nothing changed and it seems did not after all the talk option a might be best solution. Other wise it will drag forever.
 
mojoman said:
Answer = A

Sounds like you know its now time to move on and you have done what you could and realise its not going to change, otherwise it would have by now...

Its going to be tough all round but sometimes we have to do things in life that are not nice.

Best of luck.
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Thanks mojo, it's hard standing at the bottom of the hill trying to imagine what the view from the top looks like.

I appreciate the consideration.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Nope, we never got married. Easier that way.
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Silly girl. Now she will get nothing after being allowed to do nothing for so many years.
I think the laws are gonna change with regards to that soon.

Still get a lawyer, I would say.

I have been caring for my family since I was a teenager. Not always to the same capacity of course, but emotionally, physically and later financially. When ever there was a crisis, I had to solve it for them. I blame myself for allowing it for so many years. I don't know about a partner, mine is very sick and had to stop working but she is far from lazy, but I had to step back from my family, as much as it hurt, I realise me controlling their problems and bad decisions just enabled them to not think for themselves because when there is a problem Young Viking will solve it. Amazing what they can do when they need to solve problem, which they created, themselves. Also amazing the difference it makes on my marriage, which again, I blame myself for allowing it for so many years.


Maybe a period of seperation is a good idea? See if she is willing to wake up. But think about it carefully....
 
bromster said:
If you haven't done it yet, you're probably not going to. Coming to ask the anonymous internet is just trying to grow a pair.

The second biggest scare you can give a girl is the prospect of being single and alone over 35.

The biggest is being a single parent over 35.

My only advice is not to ruin your relationship with her through whatever you decide. Considering the good nature of your interpersonal relationship, you have the responsibility to her, that if she does get scared straight after a year or two without you, that making amends with you isn't off the table.

And consider that there are many ways to measure a relationship. Money is only one way, and not a very good one. Unfortunately, it has become so intertwined with everyday life that it's hard to overlook.

Good luck sir
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As much as i see your point, i dont agree, i know i am snow blind to my situation, i know im not seeing all the angles, cause i'm standing in the middle of it.

asking the anonymous internet, gives me bi-focals.

i have zero intention of sending her away angry, or causing either of us any more pain than what a breakup would already cause.

I have also been trying to coach her, on how to be self reliant. How to develop repore, people skills and not be a recluse.

Making amends, i want to see her make her own bread, if she can do that, i'd happily sit around the same fire.

i appreciate the point of view.
 
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SauRoNZA said:
Don’t you think you are somewhat responsible for having fostered this for 18 years?

Now you expect 2 years to turn it around.

All things considered this is as much your fault as hers.
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Agree. I think a period of separation is fair at the least. Step away for maybe 3 - 6 months. Cut all financial ties. Keep the honesty and integrity and loyalty to each other. If nothing has changes after 3 - 6 months..... then consider a different approach. It will give you both time to reflect on the relationship and situation and make a decision with a clear mind.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
As much as i see your point, i dont agree, i know i am snow blind to my situation, i know im not seeing all the angles, cause i'm standing in the middle of it.

asking the anonymous internet, gives me bi-focals.
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It sounds like you are a people pleaser which many of us suffer from so no need to feel ashamed of it. I am the same way sometimes.

You really need to put your own hapiness first here.

Cut her off. If you want to be nice, you can offer to pay for her councilling after this (because it sounds like she might need it) but ideally, stop giving her money ASAP.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Nope, we never got married. Easier that way.
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Ah, ok. So you enjoyed one another's bodies without anything more than a sentimental attachment of convenience.

There is only one solution that has half a chance of staving off unevitable decay into a lonely, unfulfilled and deeply forlorn old age for both of you: muster up the love and courage to make the serious, deep and liberating commitment that is marriage. You have to risk everything for the sake of the other, for nothing ventured nothing gained. It'll be very hard work, since you have at least 18 years of uncommitted living to make up for. It's late in the day, but perhaps there's still time for both of you to develop the courage to live your lives with purpose.
 
Arthur said:
Ah, ok. So you enjoyed one another's bodies without anything more than a sentimental attachment of convenience.
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I think you need to realize the times you're living in Arthur.

While I am not against what you say (regarding vows and marriage), the institution it once was is vanishing.

The traditional relationship/nuclear family is going away.
 
Snyper564 said:
It's a very tricky situation.

But let me give you another scenario to try paint a clearer picture. You now have kids she still brings in no income but essentially takes care of the house and kids (stay at home mom). Would you still have a problem?

I think the biggest issue isn't the money she brings in or not but what was the expectation? You can't really really be annoyed if this was not discussed upfront before you guys got married etc. I mean she can learn a skill and it brings in money it takes up time for example art but barely anyone buys only brings in R100 a month would you still be annoyed.

I think you need to be clearer on what she does around the house because if she cooks cleans etc these are all jobs that you or someone else that is paid would have to do.
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I've toured this line of thought so many times, trying to justify it by thinking, okay, maybe if i add more love, more patience, more resources, more advice, more tutoring to her situation it would make her step up.

For a decade, I gave her everything I had, For two decades we ate, drank, traveled and lived wherever, whenever we wanted.

At the start of our journey, she worked, we both saw the fire in the other person, we both contributed equally. And that has always been the agreement, until she decided it wasn't.

Its not just "money", it's value. She stopped bringing value to our relationship. Your question made that crystal clear in my mind.
 
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