Advice on ending a long term relationship

[r4nd0m]

Its not just "money", it's value. She stopped bringing value to our relationship. Your question made that crystal clear in my mind.

Is she a traditional woman? Is she willing to become one?

I'm not sure about the dynamics of the relationship, but have you two ever discussed that?

Traditional: You provide income (provider role), she maintains hearth and home.
Current model: You both earn but assume gender roles or help each other out where needed.

If you're open to the traditional model, then you can't look to her in times of crisis (that's your job), but she must support you all the way. She must cook, clean, shop and take care of all the admin. Not sure if she can or will do that.

 

[Iamn0tageek]

Hope this oke's situation gets sorted.

Thank goodness I've never been engaged, married or had kids.

Sure I jerk my piel but then again I don't have any relationship kak

OP, hope you figure this out my good man.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Been paying for my wife, my step-daughter and our two kids on my own for almost 27 years now.
I lost my job about 6 months before we were married. She took the gamble. She was earning more than me when we were married, but when my son was born, we decided she would be at home to raise the kids.
It was a decision we both made. I'm very happy we did. I make the money, she spends it. I don't have to think about the budget much at all.
Maybe spending is the issue?

Nope, we both spend responsibly, we both know what hard times looks like, so saving and being mindful of where money goes, has occupied many a conversation.

A few years ago, I stopped and asked myself, how is she going to survive without me, sure, there will be assets, insurance, and a place to stay. But how is she actually going to live? Not just exist.

So I started having conversations with her, to that effect. With wine, and without. Het answer was always, "she is happy in the now", which at first was charming, until the sh_t hits the fan and she goes, "what are you going to fo now?"

Thats the moment, I knew.

 

[Snyper564]

I've toured this line of thought so many times, trying to justify it by thinking, okay, maybe if i add more love, more patience, more resources, more advice, more tutoring to her situation it would make her step up.

For a decade, I gave her everything I had, For two decades we ate, drank, traveled and lived wherever, whenever we wanted.

At the start of our journey, she worked, we both saw the fire in the other person, we both contributed equally. And that has always been the agreement, until she decided it wasn't.

Its not just "money", it's value. She stopped bringing value to our relationship. Your question made that crystal clear in my mind.

You gonna have to work on it long term, sit down and discuss it. There is more to a relationship than just money. Set and define goals and work towards it. You don't just have skills and earn money over night. What work did she do beforehand how old are you guys?

I have been married over 9 years now (dated since 2006) but we are a rock solid team. There is none of this contributing equally "stuff" from a money perspective at times she earned more at times I have earned more but we pull together as a team. If she does well we do well if I do well we do well.

 

[r4nd0m]

Hope this oke's situation gets sorted.

Thank goodness I've never been engaged, married or had kids.

Sure I jerk my piel but then again I don't have any relationship kak

OP, hope you figure this out my good man.

Don't you want someone else to though?

For the low, low price of your freedom, accrued capital and peace of mind, you too can get into this lifetime deal my friend.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

@MagNorthDigital If money was not a problem, would you still want to get out of the relationship?
And as asked before, is she contributing by cleaning, cooking etc?

I would want her to step up to the plate, even if I won the lottery yesterday. I've tried everything to get her to generate value for herself, but that seems to be my duty. She is happy hanging onto my back, emotionally.

We share duties around the house, we both cook, and clean.

If money was no object, i'd give her the same ultimatum.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Before you action anything go and see a lawyer. It may not be as easy as just walking away cleanly so best to get advice so you don't end up in court having to still take care of her.

I'll get in touch with him, just to make sure. Thank you.

 

[Snyper564]

I would want her to step up to the plate, even if I won the lottery yesterday. I've tried everything to get her to generate value for herself, but that seems to be my duty. She is happy hanging onto my back, emotionally.

We share duties around the house, we both cook, and clean.

If money was no object, i'd give her the same ultimatum.

The question is what does this look like?

You say money is the issue but if she won the lottery it's still an issue.

What.
Do.
You.
Want?

And not only this what does it look like?

 

[KoKaRoT]

The question you gotta ask yourself is can you see yourself without her tomorrow and have a smile on your face, no thoughts of her or missing her or that bond.
If yes, move on. You have checked out.


If not, then you as a man, sit her down and tell her how it’s going to go.
Help her get her CV in order and get her to start applying for jobs, even remote online work like a virtual assistant.
If she actively works on that then something should come up. Take the job and seek alternatives if it’s not ideal.

The dating world has changed OP, I was there 2 years ago after being in a 8 year relationship. The dates were like drawing blood from a stone, conversations were shallow, zero sense of humour, replies in one word or two.

You also need to get your act together, you don’t be with someone for 18 years or w.e with no commitment. I’m not sure why she hang around for that long but if chicks sense the dude not gonna commit after a few years they find replacements.
You have to realise you also sabotaging her future, like you want her to get past that age so she can’t have kids or it gets harder for her. Don’t be a that guy.

Either it’s done or you work on it.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Did you not freely make a solemn and public vow to her and to Almighty God that you would remain faithful and united to her for the rest of your life no matter what the circumstances? That's the very essence of marriage - a permanent and irrevocable lifelong commitment that no-one can sunder.
If so, don't be a cad and go back on your word. Man up and hold your feet to the fire.

That said, I suspect the real reason is you've grown tired of using one another for 18 years. If you still loved her and cared for her as a person and not an object to be used you wouldn't be asking the question here.

Fickle man. Fickle woman. So quick to make promises and hop into bed. So pathetically weak and inconstant when you get weary of playing the game. So sad that neither of you can take one another and life seriously enough to build an enduring relationship. You have sabotaged yourselves. So very sad.

Bru, you have -1 concept of what you're talking about, in this context.

Maybe it helps someone else. But those stones are missing me.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

AA

I'm more than likely going to end up with an addiction to some physical activity, like climbing, running or powerlifting.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

We gonna have a problem with this thread as OP went mia at 3am... Till he pops up all we do is speculate

"Went MIA", More like fell asleep

 

[r4nd0m]

A few years ago, I stopped and asked myself, how is she going to survive without me, sure, there will be assets, insurance, and a place to stay. But how is she actually going to live? Not just exist.

So in this sentence you say what purports to love and care of her, but in your OP you're asking us if you should effectively abandon her with no/minimal financial support.

In the above scenario you'd be dead and she'd have to figure things out versus you alive right now and kicking her out for what you say is effectively her being 'useless'?

You're contradicting yourself or you're not explaining properly.

 

[skimread]

Something is off. A person cannot not contribute anything or do nothing. It goes against human nature. She must do something
What does she do all day?

Her answer of living in the now when you question her future makes zero sense as she doesn't do anything from what you describe.

Regarding the bad holiday she planned. One is only good at something you have done many times and have an interest in. You can't hold it against her.

You have to ask yourself how does her parents live. What example did they set for her. Did the mother also do nothing and not look after the household? However she doesn't have a kid when her mother did, so something is just off?
It sounds like she has no grasp or reality of what one has to do to survive. It seems you have isolated her from the real world struggles.

How old is her parents? Can she go move back in with them?

 

[bromster]

I've toured this line of thought so many times, trying to justify it by thinking, okay, maybe if i add more love, more patience, more resources, more advice, more tutoring to her situation it would make her step up.

For a decade, I gave her everything I had, For two decades we ate, drank, traveled and lived wherever, whenever we wanted.

At the start of our journey, she worked, we both saw the fire in the other person, we both contributed equally. And that has always been the agreement, until she decided it wasn't.

Its not just "money", it's value. She stopped bringing value to our relationship. Your question made that crystal clear in my mind.

This seems to be the answer you're looking for. She is not contributing value. So either:

1) Get rid of her and find 'value' elsewhere.

2) Question why your perception of 'value' has been largely financial.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Doesn't work that way. Court is gonna make you pay for her for a long time. Of course we give the best advice on the internet, specially relationship advice, but do go see a good lawyer. Lawyer will also help you write a resignation letter.

I'm afraid you stuck with that madam, financially . So might as well help her bring out the best of her.

For a long time she didn't have to work. You allowed it. So now technically you are to blame for this as well. It only became a problem when things got a little bit tough. Doesn't it usually?

Thing is, no it wasn't just when things where going tough. After she left a decent job, I was interested in getting her another one, she wasn't. Things went smooth as silk, as long as I was working, hoping and supporting her. When all my time was going into making us better, building a long term future, her time was going in to herself. And failing to generate value.

Hard times just drained my resources, not hers, cause she had none.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

If she’s not working then she should be maintaining close to 100% of the house in order to free up time and energy for you to work and relax.

What does she do while doing nothing? You need to take control of these enablers in order to focus her mind elsewhere.

What is she good at?

What are her reasons for underperforming?

There is honestly not that much to maintain, it's a joint effort, as far as cooking, cleaning and housework goes.

She was in fintech, and switched to surface design, and has been trying to freelance for years now. With cash being poured in, and nothing that generates value, coming out.

 

[Snyper564]

Thing is, no it wasn't just when things where going tough. After she left a decent job, I was interested in getting her another one, she wasn't. Things went smooth as silk, as long as I was working, hoping and supporting her. When all my time was going into making us better, building a long term future, her time was going in to herself. And failing to generate value.

Hard times just drained my resources, not hers, cause she had none.

I asked your ages and what she did?

 

[MagNorthDigital]

The situation you're in OP is why I don't date anymore or have a relationship.

It's difficult to thrive in this world on a sole income and getting a partner who is not contributing anything (work, income, motivation, aid) makes you bitter (special circumstances aside).

People want a lot of you, but they give so little.

The problem here is you've let this carry on for 18 years and only now realized and had enough. In a marriage there must be some sort of recompense for the time she has spent with you.

If she is incapable as you say, part of that reason is because she was with you the whole time. Whether you enabled it or tried to guide her, 18 years is a long time. She will need assistance (financially), especially if you "took" her "good years" (youth, fertility, etc...).

I was there, supporting her, trying to get her to step up, for herself. I've been asking her to be my equal since her "good years".

I've been assisting her this entire time. Not only financially, but in terms of time, connections and space.

18 years is a long time for sure.

 

[skimread]

There is honestly not that much to maintain, it's a joint effort, as far as cooking, cleaning and housework goes.

She was in fintech, and switched to surface design, and has been trying to freelance for years now. With cash being poured in, and nothing that generates value, coming out.

She doesn't get income then where does she get money for her art ? her savings?

You might find that she lets you pay all the bills but might have gotten inheritance or has a big amount of money stashed away. She might be an only child and figured when her parents pass away she is set for life. Why would she want to do a boring 9 to 5 job when she is already set? If I had parents that are closed to death who would leave me a big estate why would I work hard in a repetitive job I hate?