Advice on ending a long term relationship

B-1 said:
.Then why isn't she taking care of the home? He's mentioned they share cleaning, cooking responsibilities. He has to do most of the shopping etc. If she was a slippers and whiskey in hand when he got home and everything from cleaning to admin was done. I'm sure he would have been happy.
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Because he's been using the time trying to get her back into work and earning an income.

He might have experienced a close call with the coof that made him realize he's in this alone (provisioning) for the both of them. It has probably skrikked him a bit.

He should rather have told her what she needs to do around the house, otherwise she can GTFO.

"You want to stay at home all day sweetheart? Sure you can! Just make sure to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, and and and....I'll take care of bringing home the bacon."
 
r4nd0m said:
Because he's been using the time trying to get her back into work and earning an income.

He might have experienced a close call with the coof that made him realize he's in this alone (provisioning) for the both of them. It has probably skrikked him a bit.

He should rather have told her what she needs to do around the house, otherwise she can GTFO.

"You want to stay at home all day sweetheart? Sure you can! Just make sure to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, and and and....I'll take care of bringing home the bacon."
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Only because when they got into the relationship she told him no kids and careers.

A home maker wife doesn't need to be told what to do they take the initiative and do the best they can. Its pretty clear to me from his point of view that she is just scraping by doing as little as possible. If she really wanted to be the dutiful wife and really took the initiative I'm sure he would be OK with it. He mentions money but only because thats what they set out at the start of the relationship and he wants her to earn a decent living for herself and accomplish something instead of wasting her life away lounging around doing as little as possible.
 
r4nd0m said:
I agree with you that solace is a valid path, but it's not so much fear, rather realizing what you have and knowing it's pretty good.

The unhappiness is on OP's end and most likely within himself because he's tired of being pappa provider. That's fine, but he went along with this for a good number of years. She's resigned herself to her gender role (sans kids).

If hypergamy were a man, it would be OP. It's no different than a chick wanting her partner to earn more and be more ambitious. The gender roles are turned on their heads. He now wants a modern setup but lived a traditional lifestyle for how long? 18 years he says.

He should have gunned for this back in his 20s when the working women didn't have kids to go with them.
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Just because a lady is financially supported by her partner and is a housewife doesn’t imply she is any less dynamic than a working lady, it’s just another role to play and how the individual does that is up to them. The op seems to be miffed that his wife puts in little effort into any aspect of her life and leaves near the full burden of managing their combined lives up to him.
 
skimread said:
OP you don't need someone to acknowledge your feelings for them to be valid.
You are not married but living together and need a break. She is just a financially dependent roommate She has given up on life and life is about living. Your presence in her life is not improving her but worsening her. You two both collectively are worse than added individually. As simple as that. She has to sort herself out. Her parents have to sort themselves out. Things are going to get 100X times worse with age if you let it continue. Dependence will get so much worse. You tell her you need to go on a break. Deep down she probably resents you. You also will resent her more and more.

She isn't close to the person you entered the relationship. She does the bare minimum and doesn't even fill the role of a housewife. Tell her you want a break so both you guys can sort each other out. This is the best time to do it.
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I sat down and talked to her about all of this. We're taking a break from each other for 6 months. With a check in at 6 months, to meet each other on equal independent footing. And then take it from there. If she needs more time, so be it. If I need more time. Same.

Emotionally laden, but we walked away from that convo, feeling far more at ease.

No disagreement from her.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
I sat down and talked to her about all of this. We're taking a break from each other for 6 months. With a check in at 6 months, to meet each other on equal independent footing. And then take it from there. If she needs more time, so be it. If I need more time. Same.

Emotionally laden, but we walked away from that convo, feeling far more at ease.

No disagreement from her.
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Good for you mate. If there was no disagreement she must have been feeling the same. What a weight off your shoulders
 
Thank you to everyone, and their insights, opinions, and view points. You guys are all a wild bunch with very different ideas. And I appreciate all the facets. All the criticism, all the questions and sleuthing. Each one valuable in its own way. And between all of this, I figured out a path forward, that benefits not only me, but potentially the missus too.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Thank you to everyone, and their insights, opinions, and view points. You guys are all a wild bunch with very different ideas. And I appreciate all the facets. All the criticism, all the questions and sleuthing. Each one valuable in its own way. And between all of this, I figured out a path forward, that benefits not only me, but potentially the missus too.
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im not wild
 
r4nd0m said:
Yeah, but in OPs case, I'd question this particular aspect of unhappiness.

He has 18 years with this woman, and he met her in his 20s. They're probably both towards/in their early 40s. He says she is loyal, and they had great chemistry earlier on. You can rekindle that.

Have you seen the dating pool these days? What exactly is he going to find? Single moms with kids (the exact thing he does not want) and past trauma/baggage? A woman who doesn't want kids (like his current spouse)? A woman who is going to have a career and build something with him? They're going to expect him to foot the bill! They're looking for a provider.

He is dropping her all because of 1 quality she doesn't have, but forgets the qualities she does have (which mirror his) and the time spent together.

I'm all for getting out and realizing the sunk cost fallacy, but he has, by today's fscked up dating pool, a decent contender (based on his preferences) with 18 years of history and loyalty.
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You are not wrong, and your views informed a lot of my kickoff conversation. Explaining to her that she is truly a silver dollar. I appreciate your input.
 
This thread did not exist yesterday (or for the first 7 hours of today) and now it has way over 200 comments already.

I guess a lot of people are revealing that they are constantly thinking of breaking up! ;)
 
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MagNorthDigital said:
I sat down and talked to her about all of this. We're taking a break from each other for 6 months. With a check in at 6 months, to meet each other on equal independent footing. And then take it from there. If she needs more time, so be it. If I need more time. Same.

Emotionally laden, but we walked away from that convo, feeling far more at ease.

No disagreement from her.
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Well done. Taking steps forward is much better than living a life of quiet desperation.

It's really the best time of the year to have done it. Everyone is on holiday so she won't feel guilty for not working as no one else is. She has the start of the year to begin something new and sort herself out and create new years resolutions. Also the time of the year where she can reconnect with her parents and get finality there as they are a bad example to her. She might see what she could end up by living with them which will also change her.

In 6 months you will have totally different perspective and can then reassess. In the meantime you could try and see what online dating or in person events are to test the market. Just meeting people. Not entering into relationships.
 
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