confused :(

[superB]

My ex and I broke up at the beginning of December. It was quite an ugly end with many a harsh word exchanged. While we both had a part to play in the events leading up to the break up it was ultimately my actions (and lack of forethought) that ended the relationship. I was devastated and constantly harrassed him, telling him over and over that I would be here if he changed his mind (oh how pathetic I can be when I suffer a broken heart).

I then disappeared into a very dangerous situation and cut everybody of worth out of my life. My ex was the only one who cared enough to say something and he basically saved my life. Ever since then we have started to sort of / kind of / maybe work things out. We both agreed that we would need to take it painfully slow in order to have any hope of reconciliation.

I, however, seem to have had a very different idea of what 'slow' really means. As far as he is concerned he only wants to see me on weekends because I live too far from him (10kms :/) and it is an uneccessary expense to drive out to my place if he is only going to stay an hour or two. I on the other hand, would like to see him at least once in the week and I suggested we alternate the travelling so there is no unfair expense incurred for one party. He just isnt interested. I'm extremely hurt by all of this as I'm a lot more needy than him. I miss him so much I go a little crazy and get very unreasonable and crap on him for the stupidest stuff. WTF is wrong with me? Anyway, the point of this very long winded post is to ask one thing: Am I being pushy by saying I want to see him during the week? I would be more than happy to drive to his place to spend some time with him but I also dont want to invite myself over. I'm really struggling to maintain a balance between 'I love you and will do anything to be with you (stalker)' & 'I'm too proud and too independant to let you see that I need you so much (stubborn and pathetic)'.

What would you do? I know he is trying to protect himself, but I feel like this is more to me than it is to him :/

 

[Nicci]

Time heals all wounds. Give time time.

 

[syntax]

I dont think he wants to take it slow, or anywhere at all really..... He prob cares alot about you, and wants to still try help you get back on your feet.

I was in the exact same situation, and i did the same thing with my ex, i msg'ed her, called etc but did limit contact, i worried that if i did not she would do something stupid/irrational. I didnt want the relationship, but i cared enough to try keep in contact without making it seem like we were getting back together

 

[superB]

I dont think he wants to take it slow, or anywhere at all really..... He prob cares alot about you, and wants to still try help you get back on your feet.

I was in the exact same situation, and i did the same thing with my ex, i msg'ed her, called etc but did limit contact, i worried that if i did not she would do something stupid/irrational. I didnt want the relationship, but i cared enough to try keep in contact without making it seem like we were getting back together

If that really is the case then that would make him a liar & he is NOT a dishonest person at all. Never has been. He is the one person in the world that I trust completely.

 

[koeks]

My ex and I broke up at the beginning of December. It was quite an ugly end with many a harsh word exchanged. While we both had a part to play in the events leading up to the break up it was ultimately my actions (and lack of forethought) that ended the relationship. I was devastated and constantly harrassed him, telling him over and over that I would be here if he changed his mind (oh how pathetic I can be when I suffer a broken heart).


What would you do? I know he is trying to protect himself, but I feel like this is more to me than it is to him :/

give the man a break.stop being pushy.
You want him to live on your terms, when you are happy with things, now he must be happy.

People like you make me sick. You want people's lives to revolve around yours.

give him time and stop wanting to control everything

 

[Nicci]

You sound very clingy. Some men dont like clingy girls. Stand up for yourself, show him you are OK without him, make him wonder, play hard to get, that works 80% of the time. People always want what they cant get - thats a fact - so show him, make him want you.

 

[Hosehead]

When the walls go up, they can take forever to come down.
It may happen, that he drops his self defensive mechanisms over time, (they are there to protect against further hurt) Don't push it.

 

[blunomore]

I sometimes get confused with the posters on the Forum Are you male/female, SuperB?

Back to you question: maybe try to get something that would take your mind off him for a bit, like a hobby? Also, if you seem less clingy, you become more desirable. He will want to know what you're up to and what you're keepig yourself busy with. If not, then I think he is ready to move in, sad but true.

 

[stoke]

You basically forced him to stop you from killing yourself using guilt-trip logic, weather intentional or not, is irrelevant, and now you think you have some kind of honest relationship going with the guy.

In the process of him "saying something to you that basically saved your life", he has realised that you will probably go straight back there if he lets you go again.

All you've done is proved that he is a nice guy who cares about people.

Break up with him good and proper and rediscover yourself and your interests. At the moment you sound like an empty shell, and that is not the way to live. Just find yourself again. The same one he liked before.

No guarantee's though.

 

[superB]

You basically forced him to stop you from killing yourself using guilt-trip logic, weather intentional or not, is irrelevant, and now you think you have some kind of honest relationship going with the guy.

In the process of him "saying something to you that basically saved your life", he has realised that you will probably go straight back there if he lets you go again.

All you've done is proved that he is a nice guy who cares about people.

Break up with him good and proper and rediscover yourself and your interests. At the moment you sound like an empty shell, and that is not the way to live. Just find yourself again. The same one he liked before.

No guarantee's though.

You have no idea what you are talking about. The dangerous situation that I found myself in was in no way related to our break up. I think that your having made that assumption just goes to show how people like to jump to conclusions. For you to also assume that I would go straight back 'there' should we ever decide to part ways fully is once again very presumptuous of you. You have no idea where there is. And FYI the 'there' in question has been present for 10 years and my relationship with this man is only 3 years old.

I am very far from an empty shell. I have a very defined sense of self and subsequently a very strong sense of what I want and what I dont want. E.g. I want to be in a relationship with this man and while he is still amiable to the possibility I will do what I can to encourage progress between us. My question was more about whether I am being unreasonable about wanting to see hime during the week.

Perhaps get a full story before deciding the way things are.


EDIT: As for being the person I was when we met - not an option. I have made huge strides i.t.o. of growing emotionally. I can assure you that reverting back to the person I was 3 years ago would be completely self destructive.

 

[Pitbull]

My very honest opinion will scare you.

So I'll with hold it till you are ok to hear it

 

[syntax]

You basically forced him to stop you from killing yourself using guilt-trip logic, weather intentional or not, is irrelevant, and now you think you have some kind of honest relationship going with the guy.

In the process of him "saying something to you that basically saved your life", he has realised that you will probably go straight back there if he lets you go again.

that was my point, i got shot down

 

[stoke]

You have no idea what you are talking about. The dangerous situation that I found myself in was in no way related to our break up. I think that your having made that assumption just goes to show how people like to jump to conclusions. For you to also assume that I would go straight back 'there' should we ever decide to part ways fully is once again very presumptuous of you. You have no idea where there is. And FYI the 'there' in question has been present for 10 years and my relationship with this man is only 3 years old.

I am very far from an empty shell. I have a very defined sense of self and subsequently a very strong sense of what I want and what I dont want. E.g. I want to be in a relationship with this man and while he is still amiable to the possibility I will do what I can to encourage progress between us. My question was more about whether I am being unreasonable about wanting to see hime during the week.

Perhaps get a full story before deciding the way things are.


EDIT: As for being the person I was when we met - not an option. I have made huge strides i.t.o. of growing emotionally. I can assure you that reverting back to the person I was 3 years ago would be completely self destructive.

KK.
So, what's the full story?

EDIT: Nevermind. I finally read the question that you asked.
Is it reasonable for you to expect him, your ex, and potential future boyfriend to visit you more often? Yes it is. It's reasonable to expect him to spend every moment possible with you, while it is also reasonable of you to remind him to also spend time with his friends and himself.

That what you wanted to hear?

 

[syntax]

Seems like ppl are trying to offer some advice and help and you are getting angry when they give it. Why bother asking...or at least correct them in a way that is not nasty.

I will leave you to ur own devices and recommend anyone else to do the same

 

[superB]

Seems like ppl are trying to offer some advice and help and you are getting angry when they give it. Why bother asking...or at least correct them in a way that is not nasty.

I will leave you to ur own devices and recommend anyone else to do the same

Please show me where I have been angry or nasty?

 

[CathJ]

give the man a break.stop being pushy.
You want him to live on your terms, when you are happy with things, now he must be happy.

People like you make me sick. You want people's lives to revolve around yours.

give him time and stop wanting to control everything

That's rather strong, koeks. You don't know her situation, and to say she wants to control everything and that she makes you sick is totally uncalled for.

To the OP: I don't think that wanting to see him more often is unreasonable, but in the situation I don't think you should push it. You'll end up seeming clingy and possibly pushing him further away. In the longer term, you'll have to decide whether occasional contact is better than none; and you'll have to evaluate where the relationship is going (to be honest, it doesn't sound like it's going far, but then it's very difficult to assess it from the info you've given us) and whether you're okay with that. If you've made such great strides since then, you don't want to get stuck in a relationship that degrades your self worth and leaves you feeling clingy; if that's what it ends up being, it might well be better (although difficult) to get out of it, get over it, and get into a healthier relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but it might well be better for you.

 

[Pitbull]

SuperB

I'll shoot from the Hip anyway....

I would suggest you do the following, grab a couple of mates and hit the town. First sexy single guy you see.... Make conversation and get hooked up. The problem you're having is self confidence. You've been with you Ex for a couple of years I take it. You now feel that you can't go out and meet new people. YOU ARE VERY WRONG!.

Leave the useless mother. He has another woman, that is why he tries to see you as little as possible. He just wants to make you think there is hope so you don’t go and do something stupid to yourself.

GO OUT AND GET LAID ! Find the love of your life, have kids and live happily ever after I can hook you up with nice, descent guys if you want

Come to think of it, My brother in-law needs a new GF, I hate his wife and he is in the process of getting devorced

 

[Geriatrix]

10km isn't far and an hour or two isn't long. If this, once a week, is too much for him what does that tell you?

Don't want to sound harsh but it sounds like you are maybe pushing him into a corner and he doesn't know how to handle the situation.
If you want to see if he's serious about the relationship let him do what he wants to. Don't call and nag him. Just go on with your life. Leave the decision to call and visit up to him. If he really wants to see you and be with you he'll make the time.

And like Niccia said, most men find independant(emotional too) women attractive.

 

[Nicci]

SuperB, how old are you?

 

[superB]

Ok so the general impression I'm getting is that it seems to all of you that he is not interested? If that is the case then I accept your views. I am not exactly objective about this situation (seeing as I'm slap bang in the middle of it) which is why I asked for general advice.

Am I right in saying his actions seem more like that of somebody who isnt interested? Tell me straight so that I dont go on kidding myself and makinga fool of myself in front of a man who may not love me...