Depression.

copacetic said:
. Meds-wise, I am reluctant to try SSRIs again, as they, frankly, completely break my dick and turn me existentially numb.
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To be honest, does that matter? Are you having a sexual relationship with anyone while you plumb the depths of your psyche?
 
Splinter said:
To be honest, does that matter? Are you having a sexual relationship with anyone while you plumb the depths of your psyche?
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It wouldn't be such a huge issue, if there was not the risk of it extending past the period you are on the meds for, which seems to have been the case with myself and in any event, I'd say the numbness was the bigger problem.

As for a sexual relationship, not as we speak, but there's certainly nothing stopping me (or many other people) from being in a relationship while we figure out our heads. If I was going to wait for it all to come right before I did anything, I may as well just surrender now and go to bed.

**

In the context of my previous post in the thread, for what it's worth, these new meds are not working, and I'm having a pretty torrid time of things. Meh. It's a bit disheartening when you do the right thing/s as far as possible and it just doesn't seem to get any better.
 
Are you working copa? And where's your family?

Don't answer if the questions are too personal.
 
copacetic said:
I am. My family is in PE, I am in Cape Town. :)
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Oh yes, now I remember when you moved to CT.

At least you're at work for several hours a day and hopefully that keeps you from feeling depressed. Such a shame they can't get your meds right.

Have you tried cannabis or CBD oil, it seems like a panacea. Not with THC, you don't want to get caught up in that again in case it takes you down.
 
maumau said:
Oh yes, now I remember when you moved to CT.

At least you're at work for several hours a day and hopefully that keeps you from feeling depressed.
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It doesn't really work like that (with me at least). I feel depressed just about all the time (going on about 2 decades+ now). Some situations can certainly distract from this and the severity ebbs and flows but it's a constant companion. My own dark passenger, to steal a phrase. Work (or any other task that requires some degree of thought, concentration and memory) I struggle with, as either I have built-in cognitive issues, or it's do with my brain chemicals (what I hope to be the case).

Such a shame they can't get your meds right.
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It is indeed. I'm really in two minds about the meds thing at the moment, given how this current one is working out. I'll give it another month though, see how it goes.

Have you tried cannabis or CBD oil, it seems like a panacea. Not with THC, you don't want to get caught up in that again in case it takes you down.
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I have not, although I am certainly willing to look into it. Right now though, practically, I don't have the several hundred Rand this experiment would entail.

Thanks for the interaction, it is appreciated.
 
It's such a pleasure copa :)

Anybody who's suffered depression can relate to that feeling where no matter what you're doing there's tiny part of you that's not engaged. Almost as if your face is smiling, your voice is joking but what you put out physically doesn't relate to how you feel emotionally.

Depression does not belong in the life of a young guy who should be carefree and looking forward to what the future might bring.

P.S. is the oil so expensive?
 
maumau said:
It's such a pleasure copa :)

Anybody who's suffered depression can relate to that feeling where no matter what you're doing there's tiny part of you that's not engaged. Almost as if your face is smiling, your voice is joking but what you put out physically doesn't relate to how you feel emotionally.

Depression does not belong in the life of a young guy who should be carefree and looking forward to what the future might bring.

P.S. is the oil so expensive?
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I can't even hide it these days, and I have a strong feeling that I really should not be inflicting my internal state on those around me but pretending otherwise seems, dishonest? Maybe I should get some acting lessons.

I'm not sure 'young guy' really applies to me any more (I'm 34). That said, I'd like the second half to be a bit better than the first half, if possible...

As to the price of the oil - It's a fairly costly business, from what I've seen - And probably not the sort of item where you want to cut corners.
 
copacetic said:
That said, I'd like the second half to be a bit better than the first half, if possible...
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This sounds worse than it is - I've not had a terrible life by any means, and I've known and know many amazing people and had some interesting experiences. It's not like I've been locked in a basement for the last three decades, and I don't want to give that impression.
 
copacetic said:
So, as EX_mrs_ant_man says: 'Don't **** with depression'.

I started the year with what amounted to a small-scale nervous breakdown. Nothing dramatic externally, but I was barely coping with day to day tasks and the thought of suicide was persistently gnawing at me.

Long story short, after much ruminating about medication I was willing to take and some adventures with a clueless (but well-meaning) GP that has included a 3-week slide into the beginnings of a Lorazepam habit, I am currently taking 30 mgs of Mirtazapine, an often overlooked medication in favour of the SSRIs (which I am not willing to use, the primary reasons being that they run a significant risk of breaking your dick completely and also made me almost completely emotionally numb), that turns out to be a pretty efficient antidepressant provided you can avoid the ravenous cravings it engenders (this is no joke) and the subsequent enfattening this will cause. Along with this, I was advised by a psychiatrist to try 50 mgs of Sulpiride (an atypical antipsychotic - sounds scary, right?) twice per day when necessary (to deal with anxiety). I'm ambivalent on this one at this stage - It's hard to tell if it's doing anything to be honest.

In any event, I'm just laying this bare for the simple reason that I keep trying to deal with this without medication, and every single time, I inevitably fall victim to the depression monster and if I can save someone from this trouble, that would be great. The bottom line is that some of us have a crazy chemical ****storm in our heads, and medication is an absolute necessity if we are to have any hope of the semblance of a normal life.

There is no shame in taking medication, is all I'm saying. Whatever your thoughts on the matter (dear reader - I'm sure you are eminently sensible and empathic regarding all this), there is a very strong social and societal frowning-upon when it comes to these drugs. They are indeed over-prescribed and in many respects are not to be trifled with, but if they are needed, goddamn are they a miracle.

To those who don't understand this, rejoice. To never know the skewing of reality brought about by clinical depression is something not to be taken lightly.

In any event, my life is still objectively a bit of a mess, but at least I can take stock and improve it, without wanting to kill myself all the time now.
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Clinical depression- my longtime friend.
Anyway, the real cause is more complex, in my case its depression caused by having to battle so much in life, because of ASD (DSM V).

The drugs I now take are Schedule Six- Fun at the Pharmacy. I need a script for every time I get them, and it gets handled with a whole little procedure because the guavamint thinks I am gonna get high.

But yes, they are life-savers. They do work, and they make life worth living again.
There are a few judgemental people on this forum, so kudos to you for laying it bare.
 
Got the same thing, probably more. Was diagnosed with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy to top it all off as well, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Unlike most of you, I went off the meds. I figured I could solve it myself.
 
So after almost 3 months of anti-depressants, I've decided to go off them. I just don't feel like being a little bit more motivated is worth all the down sides.
 
Lot of jokers in this thread, not so funny when it hits home. My wifes brother (Or my brother in law) is fighting for his life now. He got hit with depression, tried to take his own life. We got the call 03:00 am Last Friday. Dont think we have had any proper sleep since, SO rushed through and has been in PTA since, I'm stuck at home having to manage staff. At critical point today, machines will be switched off. and then we have to wait and see.

Well, I am exhausted, lost 3 days of income. And the **** will still start.
 
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I've.... battled with mental health for many years, and I've finally found two things which helped.

The first is, understanding why I battle. I went through a difficult childhood, although I never really thought of it as traumatic. One day, it occurred to me that my childhood may have been traumatic, and that I should see if I can find a book about childhood trauma. So, I bought Childhood Disrupted. Its on takealot for R200.

The book explains how trauma that occurs when you are under the age of 18 permanently affects your brain. It affects the way your brain develops, the way the different regions of your brain communicate and how much grey matter you have. Some of the symptoms that result from this include always being stressed. When childhood trauma survivors encounter a stressful situation, their stress response does not switch off. The stress hormones stay in your body far longer than are needed. Being constantly saturated in stress hormones then leads to health problems later in life - in fact, a large part of the book is devoted to the health problems that childhood trauma survivors experience - including depression but also including things like cancer, diabetes and heart issues.

There is a lot more detail of how your brain is affected, and it is interesting to read. I won't go into all of it here, but I'll list some of the areas that are affected. They include decision making, your fight or flight response, mood regulation and emotional awareness.

Reading that.... made everything make a lot more sense to me. My issues went from being a black box, to being something a lot more understandable. And no, you don't just get over it with time - not even 70 years later. Yes, it is permanent.

But, luckily, it is possible for your brain to change with time. This is referred to as neuroplasticity. So, its permanent if you do nothing about it, but you can recover. Will you ever be "normal"? I have no idea, and honestly I don't think so. But, I think it might be possible at least for me to one day get married. At the moment, any kind of romantic relationship is utterly impossible for me.

The book lists some ways of changing your brain, although I don't think it goes into quite enough detail. It also lists something called EMDR (or EDMR), which I think is actually pseudoscience and doesn't work.

In any case, the best method hands down for changing your brain is meditation. Meditation has been scientifically proven to change your brain in permanent and positive ways. I have been meditating daily for 30-45 minutes per day, for the last 2 weeks. So far, I've found it has... changed my attitude a bit. I'm still aware that I'm damaged, and maybe more aware than ever just how bad and how permanent the damage is. But, I'm a lot more accepting of it, less judgmental, and maybe more compassionate towards those that harmed me in the past. I don't dwell on the past so much any more.

It hasn't led to a permanent reduction in stress, but I can notice an immediate temporary reduction. Meditate for 20 minutes and watch your stress disappear. Its quite cool. I'm used to taking 2-3 days for my stress levels to return to normal after a stressful event, with meditation, its a lot faster. I still get stressed as hell. And, in fact maybe I feel it more now. Like, I'm aware that, within 30 minutes of meditating, I can usually feel stress creep back in. I think this is how it has always been for me, and I've just noticed now, because of meditation.
 
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