Depression.

[TribbleZA]

@TribbleZA may I ask what happened to your son?

He had COVID during the Delta variant. His dad died on the day he was put onto a ventilator. I went in two days later. Luckily they woke him a week later and he was ok. He refused to get the shots as he believed them to be harmful. Skip 3.5 years and he developed a bad cough. I took him in to emergency when breathing became difficult and they discovered he had an embolism (blood clots blocking his lungs). They took him into the theatre to clear the clots up and as they cleared the lungs, his heart gave out. He was filled with blood clots. They tried to do a bypass but were unable to get his heart started again. He went in on the morning of the 20th Nov and died in the early hours of the 21st.

 

[TribbleZA]

So yesterday I was asking myself, what is the point of all of this. I'm very analytical, and one thing came to mind, which is what is the percentage of my life spent feeling happy, or even neutral vs sad/depressed, and I must say I was forced to disctract myslf from the topic as it made me feel worse.

These helped me a little

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I am not finding the other I wanted. It explains that the human experience is not a happy one. That it is not important to be happy - but it is important to be doing life. Experiencing it. Adverts and movies make us believe that happily ever after exists. That life should be a happy experience. Life is about pain. I will see if I can still find it.

But this is also something we should be doing

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View this content on Instagram

 

[saturnz]

last night the news spread in my circle of gaming friends that someone I played against/with took his life

he was going through some (mental) issues the past while and it just got too much

 

[TribbleZA]

last night the news spread in my circle of gaming friends that someone I played against/with took his life

he was going through some (mental) issues the past while and it just got too much

That is really sad. It is quite a shock when someone ends it, we always wonder if someone could have prevented it. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Gaming friends fill a really important space in our lives, even if we don't meet them.

 

[Zuner]

Sometimes it helps to step back from the numbers and just focus on the small moments that bring a bit of ease or light, even if they feel tiny in comparison. Those small things matter more than we think. Many of us wrestle with the same kind of spiral, so I really do understand where you are coming from.

I fully agree, and wish i could step back, but my brain runs on the numbers, I have tried. I usually realise i'm running numbers after i've run them, then it's too late.
I have to resort to distraction, In the past, more than a decade ago, that was alcohol, now it's music, or a motorcycle ride. I can only distract myself, I can't switch it off.

The small things help a lot to bring me out of the dark, but sometimes it's difficult to manufactur those, they definitly maytter a lot.

 

[Creag]

@TribbleZA I cannot imagine your pain. But I have a small feeling for it. Close family friends lost two of their sons to motorcycle accidents (16 months apart). No matter how strong they were on the outside, their grief was always still tangible. It never went away. You are in my prayers, love and thoughts in your difficult time

 

[Zuner]

These helped me a little

View this content on Instagram

View this content on Instagram

I am not finding the other I wanted. It explains that the human experience is not a happy one. That it is not important to be happy - but it is important to be doing life. Experiencing it. Adverts and movies make us believe that happily ever after exists. That life should be a happy experience. Life is about pain. I will see if I can still find it.

But this is also something we should be doing

View this content on Instagram

View this content on Instagram

The problem with me is, I'm too analytical, I often agree with statements such as these as i do with this, for the most part, though I cannot switch off analysing, so I question things applying my logic and life experience, this leads to frustrations in people trying to help me, which leads them pulling away, which leads to more lonliness.
I wish i could switch it off. I don't know how, I've tried for years.

He makes a lot of good points, If I was capable of doing things as he says. "Let it go", that's impossible for me.

 

[chrisc]

Since 1981 a group of friends have met every 1st January for a lunch and chat. I am the last one left. The last one died in March this year at 79

Of the 11 guys, there are 4 widows. 4 of the guys never married

I have another Jewish friend who is 96. We see each other now and then. All his friends have died. His daughter lives in New York and flies over 3 times a year

This is one thing you never think of when younger

 

[purple face]

Since 1981 a group of friends have met every 1st January for a lunch and chat. I am the last one left. The last one died in March this year at 79

Of the 11 guys, there are 4 widows. 4 of the guys never married

I have another Jewish friend who is 96. We see each other now and then. All his friends have died. His daughter lives in New York and flies over 3 times a year

This is one thing you never think of when younger

Oh wow that's crazy you have already lived life. Good for you

 

[gogga_]

He had COVID during the Delta variant. His dad died on the day he was put onto a ventilator. I went in two days later. Luckily they woke him a week later and he was ok. He refused to get the shots as he believed them to be harmful. Skip 3.5 years and he developed a bad cough. I took him in to emergency when breathing became difficult and they discovered he had an embolism (blood clots blocking his lungs). They took him into the theatre to clear the clots up and as they cleared the lungs, his heart gave out. He was filled with blood clots. They tried to do a bypass but were unable to get his heart started again. He went in on the morning of the 20th Nov and died in the early hours of the 21st.

Life can be so unfair . You are in my thoughts and prayers .

 

[Lupus]

He had COVID during the Delta variant. His dad died on the day he was put onto a ventilator. I went in two days later. Luckily they woke him a week later and he was ok. He refused to get the shots as he believed them to be harmful. Skip 3.5 years and he developed a bad cough. I took him in to emergency when breathing became difficult and they discovered he had an embolism (blood clots blocking his lungs). They took him into the theatre to clear the clots up and as they cleared the lungs, his heart gave out. He was filled with blood clots. They tried to do a bypass but were unable to get his heart started again. He went in on the morning of the 20th Nov and died in the early hours of the 21st.

I'm so sorry

 

[OnlyOneKenobi]

Since 1981 a group of friends have met every 1st January for a lunch and chat. I am the last one left. The last one died in March this year at 79

Of the 11 guys, there are 4 widows. 4 of the guys never married

I have another Jewish friend who is 96. We see each other now and then. All his friends have died. His daughter lives in New York and flies over 3 times a year

This is one thing you never think of when younger

The fact that you and your friends kept that tradition going for so many years says a lot about the strength of those bonds. I can only imagine how hard it must be being the last one left, carrying all those memories with you. It is difficult when the people we care about are no longer physically with us, but they're never really gone - they will always live on in our hearts and memories.

 

[TribbleZA]

The problem with me is, I'm too analytical, I often agree with statements such as these as i do with this, for the most part, though I cannot switch off analysing, so I question things applying my logic and life experience, this leads to frustrations in people trying to help me, which leads them pulling away, which leads to more lonliness.
I wish i could switch it off. I don't know how, I've tried for years.

He makes a lot of good points, If I was capable of doing things as he says. "Let it go", that's impossible for me.

I struggle too. I have a friend who has managed to keep me here, he has taught me to look at things differently. But it still isn't easy. You have to find some reason to stay. I am lucky that I have two children I love dearly, and I would not do that to them while they are still so dependent on having me around. I am not suggesting you find a person - they are temporary. But try and find a passion or a purpose. I want to have a little cabin in the woods where I can feed all the wildlife that roams in the area. That is what I look forward to, that holds me.

 

[TribbleZA]

Since 1981 a group of friends have met every 1st January for a lunch and chat. I am the last one left. The last one died in March this year at 79

Of the 11 guys, there are 4 widows. 4 of the guys never married

I have another Jewish friend who is 96. We see each other now and then. All his friends have died. His daughter lives in New York and flies over 3 times a year

This is one thing you never think of when younger

I can imagine what you are going through. My mother is 82 and has watched so many of her friends pass away. A 92 year old friend passed just last week. It was traumatic as she had a stroke and they put her on a feeding tube in hospital. She was unresponsive. She would not have wanted to be like that. Even my friends have started dying. Family too. I guess it is going to get a lot more depressing as we age, if we aren't the next to go. These are not things we think about at all until it starts to happen. My mother says that eventually you attend more memorials than you do birthday parties.

I think the trick is to enjoy something in each day. For me it is feeding the wild birds. This makes me happy. You have to find something that takes you out of your head, and do that. My succulents also help. At the most surprising times they bloom and look so beautiful.

 

[TribbleZA]

Life can be so unfair . You are in my thoughts and prayers .

Thank you - but I keep reminding myself that other people have it much worse. Met a man who lost his whole family in an accident, and he was the driver. Three kids and his wife. I was blessed to have my son for as long as I did. A client told me his son committed suicide and he wasn't even 16 yet. I really am blessed with the friends and people around me.

We are helping a new internet radio station get started. Yesterday they did a dedication to my son, and played his favourite songs. These are people I have only known for a few weeks and they have been so kind and caring. My son would have loved it!! But this would not have happened had my son, who works with me, not told them about his brother. I think we need to learn to bring people into our lives, we need to open up more. Most of my other clients don't even know that I have lost my son. I would not have experienced all that care and love had he not said anything. It really helped me get through the day.

 

[The Darkness]

I think the worst dark moment I've experienced so far is that I am not loved by anyone nor do I have anyone to love. Most of my immediate family has died. The last family member I had a good connection with died last year. My old friends I had to distance myself from because they were stoners and I've been clean from weed for three years now, so I couldn't hang around them any more. The remaining friend I had moved away last year to another country and we have lost contact.

My boss might be bummed that he has to hire someone else, but if I had to take myself out tomorrow no-one else would really care.

And that's what scares me, I don't even have to worry about "loved ones" because I don't have them, so why do I continue alone?

Maybe just some hope that things could be better, that I still have time to try to course-correct and build a another life for myself, but at my age and financial situation it just seems unsurmountable. I see a Clinical Psychologist twice a month and while it helps having someone to talk to I get the feeling that they really are out of their depth.

How can you live being alone and without love.

It's a slippery slope to get 'diagnosed' with all of these terms and to think one is different from the 'normal' people. Everyone has self-doubt, struggles with staying focussed and feels like an impostor. Change your situation and start seeking purpose, start looking for things to do that contribute to the good in the community - it can be simple things; join the neighbourhood watch and do weekly walk arounds, volunteer at the SPCA, or charities, start going to the local church and get involved. All of these communities are filled with people who won't judge you, who will care that you're there, and you'll help people who really need it.

Your life has chapters - the 'weed' chapter is closed, no need to look back - it's just part of your journey that led you here, rather look forward and take some active steps to get out of your rut. The feeling one gets in bringing kindness and joy to other humans is very powerful. Balance this with something physical - hiking club, boxing gym etc and you'll be meeting many new people all with positive paths.

Also, you say "course-correct and build a another life for myself "; this is a very bleak way to view things - you're not on the wrong course; your life is your life, everything you've done so far has brought you to this point. Had you taken a different path this doesnt mean it would be 'better'. That alternate path could have put you into a mangled car pile up. You're here now, yesterday is gone. Just move forward and seek purpose. The rest will sort itself out.

 

[chrisc]

The fact that you and your friends kept that tradition going for so many years says a lot about the strength of those bonds. I can only imagine how hard it must be being the last one left, carrying all those memories with you. It is difficult when the people we care about are no longer physically with us, but they're never really gone - they will always live on in our hearts and memories.

I have photos taken at all the meetings since we started.

Some died in unusual ways
One fellow was hit by a speeding motor-bike on Beach Road in Milnerton while unpacking his car for the Milnerton Market
Another went on a "Safari" in Tanzania and contracted a tropical disease which seemed to eat away his insides
My insurance-broker friend, always a health and fitness enthusiast, succumbed to an incurable genetic disease which at first affected his balance. Soon he was unable to walk and died after 4 months
The others were strokes or heart-attacks. Some had no warning of the event

 

[Zuner]

I struggle too. I have a friend who has managed to keep me here, he has taught me to look at things differently. But it still isn't easy. You have to find some reason to stay. I am lucky that I have two children I love dearly, and I would not do that to them while they are still so dependent on having me around. I am not suggesting you find a person - they are temporary. But try and find a passion or a purpose. I want to have a little cabin in the woods where I can feed all the wildlife that roams in the area. That is what I look forward to, that holds me.

This is one of my struggles, I am alone, always have been this is my biggest struggle i've had all my life.
I had a few passions, I saw this term a few posts back and it resonnated with me, Anhedonia, I knew it was a thing, didn't know what it is called. I struggle with motivation, the things I am passionate about take too much effort.

Don't get me wrong though, I try, It just isn't as joyus as it used to be, and just like most things I end up asking what's the point, I know people are temporary as you said, but it sure would be nice to share these passions with somebody.

Anyway, I don't want to linger on this feeling, thank you for entertaining my slight slip into the darkness, I have to withdraw for a moment else this will overcome me.

 

[The Darkness]

This is one of my struggles, I am alone, always have been this is my biggest struggle i've had all my life.
I had a few passions, I saw this term a few posts back and it resonnated with me, Anhedonia, I knew it was a thing, didn't know what it is called. I struggle with motivation, the things I am passionate about take too much effort.

Don't get me wrong though, I try, It just isn't as joyus as it used to be, and just like most things I end up asking what's the point, I know people are temporary as you said, but it sure would be nice to share these passions with somebody.

Anyway, I don't want to linger on this feeling, thank you for entertaining my slight slip into the darkness, I have to withdraw for a moment else this will overcome me.

Why the need though to ascribe a name to everything? This is just natural; one starts doing something with passion, then down the line it becomes routine. This 'shine' wears off and it feels mundane. Everyone gets this - some push on for fear and need (kids, bills etc). Boredom fuels change. Nothing wrong with it, find the next thing that gives you the fizz

 

[AnimateX]

Don't have much to add at the moment, other than this song. So many things I miss and regret too, life doesn't prepare you for the loneliness when you get older and people pass on and relationships wane.