Marriage/Relationship Advice

FlippyCake said:
My wife has male frineds, she has lunch with them from time to time....is that cheating?
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When I hear myself talk like this, my internal watchdog tells me, "You're self justifying, why?"
Often, its because I am being dishonest with myself.

You're self justifying and by what I've read, you're already emotionally "cheating". This is understandable because your wife has retracted her emotionality from you, leaving you wanting.
This further speak to how your wife has withdrawn and if you cannot get to the bottom of the "why" then your marriage is not going to work.
Get out while you're not willing to destroy each other.
 
DMNknight said:
When I hear myself talk like this, my internal watchdog tells me, "You're self justifying, why?"
Often, its because I am being dishonest with myself.

You're self justifying and by what I've read, you're already emotionally "cheating". This is understandable because your wife has retracted her emotionality from you, leaving you wanting.
This further speak to how your wife has withdrawn and if you cannot get to the bottom of the "why" then your marriage is not going to work.
Get out while you're not willing to destroy each other.
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You know its got to a point where apart from a quick kiss hello we have no other physical contact in a day.

She always used to hang on to me or hold my hand or put her legs across my lap, she now sits in a single seater in the lounge when she can.

Surely if even the base level touching and holding is not there, something is seriously missing.

I will always take the time to pat her ass when walking by and it used to illicit smiles and now she does not even blink an eye.
 
FlippyCake said:
Why work 7 days a week for 12 to 13 hours a day when you have a home life and some pressing issues to deal with?

I cant even get her to come outside and garden with me because she gets such huge anxiety about having to leave her phone 15m away at the braai area
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Well my wife was like this before we got married.

She was constantly on her phone, worked long days and weekends too. We had a temporary break-up because she said I was playing to many computer games and not helping out at home. Which I guess was true.
Anyway long story short, she eventually quit her job because they were asshats, we later got back together and things improved.
 
schuits said:
Well my wife was like this before we got married.

She was constantly on her phone, worked long days and weekends too. We had a temporary break-up because she said I was playing to many computer games and not helping out at home. Which I guess was true.
Anyway long story short, she eventually quit her job because they were asshats, we later got back together and things improved.
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Very glad to hear that.

While she works I do my best to pick up any slack in the house, be it maintenance, putting on some washing or the likes but she is quick to moan if one morning the dishwasher is not turned on and I get the "I do everything around here" speech
 
FlippyCake said:
If I wanted to feel muscles up and down a woman's body I would have married a gym junkie, I cannot tell you what its like to have sex and run my hands up her back to feel muscles, to hold her arms and feel muscles...…..its a turn off for me.....big time!
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doth protest too much
 
FlippyCake said:
She is definitely goal focused and driven, I will give her that hands down. She always accomplishes what she wants to how she wants to.

An underlying factor could be something to think about. Her father passed away when she was 9 and was a pro body builder.

Sexual assault or trauma? Never gave it a seconds thought, I would like to say that if it had happened she would tell me as we have always been open but you never know how people will react to things like that happening
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No, a sudden onset in motivation to change her body away from something you find attractive.
That she has not explained this means she doesn't want you or anyone else to know about the reason.
That's also down to a variety of reasons ranging from feeling unattractive as a girl, to feeling powerless during an attack or attempted attack.

Has someone asked her straight up?
Why have you changed your body?
What keeps you motivated to continue?
Why muscles instead of fitness?

Each answer may peel back a layer to eventually get to the core of the motivation/change.

P.S. Attempted/Sexual assault is often not reported for a variety of reasons.

Sorry, I am not pushing the rape angle... I am just trying to say, She is being powerfully motivated to change her body. You need to check into the why's of it.
 
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DMNknight said:
No, a sudden onset in motivation to change her body away from something you find attractive.
That she has not explained this means she doesn't want you or anyone else to know about the reason.
That's also down to a variety of reasons ranging from feeling unattractive as a girl, to feeling powerless during an attack or attempted attack.

Has someone asked her straight up?
Why have you changed your body?
What keeps you motivated to continue?
Why muscles instead of fitness?

Each answer may peel back a layer to eventually get to the core of the motivation/change.

P.S. Attempted/Sexual assault is often not reported for a variety of reasons.

Sorry, I am not pushing the rape angle... I am just trying to say, She is being powerfully motivated to change her body. You need to check into the why's of it.
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I see your point better now.

Never asked her straight up but will do that.

I hear you on the rape angle, it is something to consider.
 
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You say you have already spoken to your wife about how she looks and the lack of attraction from your side. It sounds like she does not care what you think. Or perhaps she doesn't think you are serious or that it is such a big deal. You should have a chat to her and figure out which one it is.

If she does not care what you think, then I'm pretty sure she has checked out and it might be time to call it.

Either way, you need to make a choice asap. You can't sit on the fence with this one. You have such strong feelings for someone that is not your wife AND you are actively engaging with new chic. This is a dangerous path and very unfair on your marriage.

Another thing;
You said new chic is 24...she is also going to do a lot of growing up over the next few years. She might also change what she likes etc. If you choose to leave your marriage, I would recommend you make sure it is because you don't want to be married to your wife and not because you want to date the new chic instead.
 
TechGirl04 said:
You say you have already spoken to your wife about how she looks and the lack of attraction from your side. It sounds like she does not care what you think. Or perhaps she doesn't think you are serious or that it is such a big deal. You should have a chat to her and figure out which one it is.

If she does not care what you think, then I'm pretty sure she has checked out and it might be time to call it.

Either way, you need to make a choice asap. You can't sit on the fence with this one. You have such strong feelings for someone that is not your wife AND you are actively engaging with new chic. This is a dangerous path and very unfair on your marriage.

Another thing;
You said new chic is 24...she is also going to do a lot of growing up over the next few years. She might also change what she likes etc. If you choose to leave your marriage, I would recommend you make sure it is because you don't want to be married to your wife and not because you want to date the new chic instead.
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If a divorce is on the cards it will definitely be because the marriage has fallen apart and cant be fixed.
As much joy as the new chick brings in now its not to say I want to run off and marry her.

I have told my wife often about my feelings about the muscles and she just says she is enjoying the transformation and while she understands how I feel I must also understand that its a passion of hers.

I will admit yes I do have strong feelings for this other chick but its not just to get her into bed, if that is all I wanted I would have done it already. I have told her that while I am married nothing of the sort will happen and she understands and accepts this.

24 is young yes, and I would expect her to change, the change my wife has made has been like jumping in the opposite direction
 
DarkDragon said:
I have a question, in ten years time you're with your "soul mate" and she makes radical changes to her appearance, strict gym regiment will you be here asking the same question about another "soul mate" and that you are over wife 2 because her appearance is not appealing to you anymore?
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Lol in 10 years his new soulmate will be 34 and he will be 46.

Maybe she will prefer a toned muscular guy in his 20s.
 
FlippyCake said:
I will admit yes I do have strong feelings for this other chick but its not just to get her into bed, if that is all I wanted I would have done it already. I have told her that while I am married nothing of the sort will happen and she understands and accepts this.
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If that's the case, then it sounds like your marriage is already over.
 
chefdude98 said:
Lol in 10 years his new soulmate will be 34 and he will be 46.

Maybe she will prefer a toned muscular guy in his 20s.
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Again we don't know what the future holds, yeah I might be overweight/underweight/too old.

We cant base life on what if's I guess
 
TechGirl04 said:
If that's the case, then it sounds like your marriage is already over.
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Just trying to put it out there this is not just based on a piece of ass or wanting to get laid. I respect the boundaries of my marriage, maybe not enough to be having an "emotional affair" I guess but that line wont be crossed
 
All marriages have ups and downs. Most of the time if you stick it out a bit and work on your marriage it comes right, and even moves in a better direction. A lot of people just give up way to quickly on relationships, especially if their are kids involved, which fortunately is not the case here.
 
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