Open Relationships?

So she wants the emotional involvement of another relationship plus the sex with another woman? I know people who do the swinging thing which imo is far safer as far as jealousy and avoiding the complications of one partner being in love with 2 people.

Letting her have an open relationship is looking for trouble. She will fall in love with the other woman and want to spend more time with her, while trying to justify that she still loves you as well.
 
Nick333 said:
I'm not judging based on a belief that the religious model for marriage is the best or only - although I do believe that - I'm judging on the impression that the OP is willing to do or allow anything to keep his SO happy.
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Maybe he is? Perhaps for him that alternative is better than ending the relationship. We can argue that he is doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking, but again we really don't know the details. I would imagine that he has weighed it. Perhaps the idea of asking her to permanently switch off what is presented as an immutable part of her sexuality seems too much to ask of her in which case the tables would be turned on who is sacrificing for the other.
 
This really isn't the best place for this discussion but here goes.
Read up on polyamory and swinging and try to provisionally label what you're proposing. Then reach out within those communities. Zapoly have meetups in most cities in ZA and email discussion groups, also there are swingers clubs in most cities. These are no-pressure places with strict rules for everyone's safety and you will be completely safe going as spectators to feel out the vibe and chat to people.
Generally if you are 100% open and honest and set ground rules (but not cast in stone as the relationship can and will evolve) and the relationship is strong to start with, you'll be ok. This isn't a band-aid to fix a broken marriage. It's higher grade relationship stuff.
I think it's completely naive and unrealistic to believe that you are capable of catering to every need and desire of your partner yourself and the divorce figures agree. If you're allowed to play outside with permission, or play together with others, then there is no incentive or reason to cheat which strengthens the relationship
 
Nick333 said:
I'm being a bit harsh, but I honestly think open relationships or having multiple SO's (especially for women) is BS. If I was to wager on it, I'd bet the OP is just to weak to put his foot down and tell his SO her happiness isn't paramount. He's probably so scared of losing her that he's unwilling to risk losing her by telling her no about anything or just admitting he's not enough for her. In fact he's probably not enough because he's weak. Judgemental, but that's my judgement for his (and everyone else's) consideration (judgement).
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That is a lot of assuming from the little that he shared. We don't know either people, their relationship or their situation. Why would the OP be weak for feeling secure in his relationship?

The OP is right in two regards, not telling his wife what to do AND supporting her. Even if someone doesn't support their wife, the very least they could do is not order them round like property
 
Marriage is already hard, this sounds like a massive additional amount of complexity.

It comes down to time. Modern life does not leave much of it and splitting your time between two lovers while not causing damage to the relationship with the other partner is something I do not think could really work, but that is me. I am about as old school as you get relationship wise.
 
Have you noticed how dog's who are kept in a confined space will take the first available opportunity to to run free even when they have every toy and treat imaginable. Yet when you go to a farmhouse with no gate's and fences you find the dogs hanging out on the back porch.
 
cupcake said:
Have you noticed how dog's who are kept in a confined space will take the first available opportunity to to run free even when they have every toy and treat imaginable. Yet when you go to a farmhouse with no gate's and fences you find the dogs hanging out on the back porch.
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Nice analogy until you put a border collie in the example ;-)
 
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From what I've seen through friends of mine when people "convert" from closed relationships to open ones, especially after quite some time, it almost never works.

It does however work if from the very start the relationship was open.

So be careful of opening a door you potentially can't shut.
 
OCP said:
Nice analogy until you put a border collie in the example ;-)
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Ha ha ha! I had a collie that would roam the farm but the majority of the day she was on the stoep and the remainder she was "working" the neighbours sheep. When you called for her she would always come sprinting home, she was loved.

You are always going to have those dogs who like to eat out of dustbins, roll in **** and roam so far they can't find their way home, normally it's the one's with sad stories.
 
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Asgard85 said:
With 4 in 10 marriages in South Africa ending in divorce before the 10th anniversary according to StatsSA perhaps there is something to be said for altering the operation of a marriage to a situation which, for as long as both parties agree and are content with the arrangement, effectively removes the possibility of cheating. Something I understand to be significant cause of friction.
Setting and sticking to agreed rules and limit and managing jealousy would be key, of course.
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What's the reason for getting married in the first place then.
 
cupcake said:
Have you noticed how dog's who are kept in a confined space will take the first available opportunity to to run free even when they have every toy and treat imaginable. Yet when you go to a farmhouse with no gate's and fences you find the dogs hanging out on the back porch.
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Have you noticed how humans are absolutely nothing like dogs?
 
smkungfu said:
What's the reason for getting married in the first place then.
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Marriages aren't JUST about sex and to many people, it's not a "hang up" like it is to others.

You can hold everything else dear to the marriage and outsource the sex if that works for you.
 
SauRoNZA said:
Marriages aren't JUST about sex and to many people, it's not a "hang up" like it is to others.

You can hold everything else dear to the marriage and outsource the sex if that works for you.
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But that's why I ask, why get married then? Isn't that a commitment to ONLY one person?
 
smkungfu said:
But that's why I ask, why get married then? Isn't that a commitment to ONLY one person?
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Well I suppose one could debate that point, but it seems to me from the OP that his wife had some unresolved attractions which she has now come to terms with and expressed after they have been married for some time.
People grow and change over time and I think the point here made by the OP is to question whether a marriage can also grow and change to accommodate this.

For some the boundaries of a marriage are hard and fast and will never be changed - for those people then to not be married is the logical solution. For others, the solution appears to be to change the marriage so that the new aspects of the people it in can fit into it.
 
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You are setting yourself up for a sexless marriage.

Sexless for you, not her.
She will be happy to have her cake and eat it too.
You will stay married as long as you can tolerate it. She will not end it. Why would she? she is free to do what she wants with who she wants. Her needs are met.

You are screwing yourself, something you will have to get used to again.
 
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