Open Relationships?

[pinball wizard]

More like rat's?

More like humans actually.

 

[cupcake]

More like humans actually.

Humans and Dogs Use Same Brain Area to Get Others' Emotions
https://www.livescience.com/43544-humans-dogs-brain-emotions.html

 

[pinball wizard]

Humans and Dogs Use Same Brain Area to Get Others' Emotions
https://www.livescience.com/43544-humans-dogs-brain-emotions.html

In no way does that article suggest that humans and dogs behave in a similar way in the context that you are suggesting.

 

[SauRoNZA]

But that's why I ask, why get married then? Isn't that a commitment to ONLY one person?

In my mind, it's a commitment to saying "we are a team, and sticking it out for the long haul".

Part of being that team is seeing the other person being at the happiest and living the best life and if that means they want to fulfil some desires the fact that the other person can "let go" is exactly what would make it a marriage.

Some people see marriage as caging up their significant other and claiming them as their own...this generally doesn't end well and leads to many years of silent suffering before blowing up.

Many people get married too early. They attach themselves to another person before they've even truly discovered themselves and that ultimately leads to these kinds of situations where people want to explore. Some people can get into it and others can't.

You can ask yourself why do people get married only to cheat anyway? The same logic applies but more often than not it's in search of finding themselves or things lacking in their partner. Rather an open and honest relationship in my view than going behind their backs and cheating.

 

[cupcake]

In no way does that article suggest that humans and dogs behave in a similar way in the context that you are suggesting.

So you would argue that confining humans doesn't cause them to act out and try to get free? And having freedom to choose doesn't give them the ability to decide to choose love, comfort and safety without feeling trapped?

 

[pinball wizard]

So you would argue that confining humans doesn't cause them to act out and try to get free? And having freedom to choose doesn't give them the ability to decide to choose love, comfort and safety without feeling trapped?

I would argue that humans are complex complicated beings that operate on a level far removed from a lesser animal's basic needs.

 

[cupcake]

I would argue that humans are complex complicated beings that operate on a level far removed from a lesser animal's basic needs.

It's just an analogy and I do agree humans are complex but that being said we have a hierarchy of needs and the desire to freely choose is fundamental.

 

[Grimis]

Watch me cock-up this quoting story.

sapunter.net

Let us know if that guy got his wedding ring back pls.

I did laugh at this, and that thread.

I don't believe this for a nanosecond. Honesty is the best policy....to thine own self be true

Yes honesty and simple pure honesty are always best, leaves no room for speculation. So no reason to lie.

If your wife bi? Gay ?



But all I read about it set hard boundaries, set the rules etc. Go to reddit and read on it... people get burned quickly and relationships crash and burn if people don't stick to it.

Good luck!

Bi

So, OP, do you get to have a side chick or dude? How important is your happiness to your SO? Not very I'm guessing.

You've made quite a few assumptions here by the looks of it. Nothing on the side for me, life's busy. Keeping one lady happy is work enough for me.

With 4 in 10 marriages in South Africa ending in divorce before the 10th anniversary according to StatsSA perhaps there is something to be said for altering the operation of a marriage to a situation which, for as long as both parties agree and are content with the arrangement, effectively removes the possibility of cheating. Something I understand to be significant cause of friction.
Setting and sticking to agreed rules and limit and managing jealousy would be key, of course.

Just past the 10th wedding anni, ~17 years total thus far. All very valid input. We are the last\2nd last of the only remaining couples out of the friends we've had going through life. People are generally surprised at our interaction together in the beginning.

The best boundary would be to not be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with other people.

Putting other people's happiness ahead of your own, or deriving your happiness from the happiness of your partner is nonsense.

Sorry, OP, but this makes you a cuck. You need to think long and hard about things.

You are starting to sound quite insecure. You want to start a thread about something? You can use new name, its ok.

I'm being a bit harsh, but I honestly think open relationships or having multiple SO's (especially for women) is BS. If I was to wager on it, I'd bet the OP is just to weak to put his foot down and tell his SO her happiness isn't paramount. He's probably so scared of losing her that he's unwilling to risk losing her by telling her no about anything or just admitting he's not enough for her. In fact he's probably not enough because he's weak. Judgemental, but that's my judgement for his (and everyone else's) consideration (judgement).

Very judgmental and IMO more of these insecurities of yours coming out. The door has been open for her to leave since day one, I've been quite clear and honest. If I'm not doing it for her that is life. Thankfully this isnt the case. Feet are firmly planted by both of us.

No, but each relationship is clearly different. One size doesn't fit all.

As things stand it would appear that for many people marriage is not what they thought or hoped it would be - maybe some of those would benefit from a modification to it. The alternative is as usual divorce but maybe for some folks they prefer to explore alternatives rather then end things.

I'm simply suggesting that perhaps the puritanical / biblical definition doesn't work for everyone, and if that is the case then they should be free to define what does work for them. The next person may not understand but then the next person is not behind their closed doors. We can make all kinds of assumptions about the character of each person in the OP's relationship but it's frankly irrelevant what we say - only they can answer themselves on the matter.

A beam of light! Yes I dont think things are all cut and dried and fitting in all nice and perfect in a little mold in anybodies relationship. If she'd like to explore a little by all means go for it, but we will set some boundaries, discuss it and research, see what pitfalls there are etc and then repeat it all one more time.

So she wants the emotional involvement of another relationship plus the sex with another woman? I know people who do the swinging thing which imo is far safer as far as jealousy and avoiding the complications of one partner being in love with 2 people.

Letting her have an open relationship is looking for trouble. She will fall in love with the other woman and want to spend more time with her, while trying to justify that she still loves you as well.

Yes, sex with another female is the goal, this may or may not end up being 'relationship material' and naturally there is going to be the possibility of feelings developing. If it does we will continue as it started, open discussions, honesty and planning. I'd rather not look at it in the 'swinging' scene scenario - this really IMO is just some subset of open-cheating\polyamory but I understand where it comes from why its brought up.

Maybe he is? Perhaps for him that alternative is better than ending the relationship. We can argue that he is doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking, but again we really don't know the details. I would imagine that he has weighed it. Perhaps the idea of asking her to permanently switch off what is presented as an immutable part of her sexuality seems too much to ask of her in which case the tables would be turned on who is sacrificing for the other.

Yes its all been weighed carefully, why should I ask her to turn off her attraction to other woman whilst around\with me? No, she has the right to be who she likes so long as it doesnt degenerate into BS. There are plenty details, ask if you'd like to know.

This really isn't the best place for this discussion but here goes.
Read up on polyamory and swinging and try to provisionally label what you're proposing. Then reach out within those communities. Zapoly have meetups in most cities in ZA and email discussion groups, also there are swingers clubs in most cities. These are no-pressure places with strict rules for everyone's safety and you will be completely safe going as spectators to feel out the vibe and chat to people.
Generally if you are 100% open and honest and set ground rules (but not cast in stone as the relationship can and will evolve) and the relationship is strong to start with, you'll be ok. This isn't a band-aid to fix a broken marriage. It's higher grade relationship stuff.
I think it's completely naive and unrealistic to believe that you are capable of catering to every need and desire of your partner yourself and the divorce figures agree. If you're allowed to play outside with permission, or play together with others, then there is no incentive or reason to cheat which strengthens the relationship

Thanks for this, if this isnt the place kindy pop me a PM with the correct address? The label which we looked for is essentially ethical non-monogamy (non-monogamy based on ethical rules). Will pass on swingers, and clubs too if possible. Yes relationships are always evolving, if they are not you are doing something wrong. A good reply, thank you again.

Have you noticed how dog's who are kept in a confined space will take the first available opportunity to to run free even when they have every toy and treat imaginable. Yet when you go to a farmhouse with no gate's and fences you find the dogs hanging out on the back porch.

This person has the right idea.

Was waiting for this one too, we'll see if shes willing?

From what I've seen through friends of mine when people "convert" from closed relationships to open ones, especially after quite some time, it almost never works.

It does however work if from the very start the relationship was open.

So be careful of opening a door you potentially can't shut.

Opening doors inevitably causes wind to blow through and open other shutters\windows or shutting other doors. This is all part of life.

 

[The_Ogre]

The only open relationships I'd entertain would be between my two side-chicks, on one condition. My wife should never find out!

 

[blindfury]

Yes. open marriages is a foreign concept to people who have their own struggles making monogamy work. I am married and Bi, and my husband still and always will come first in every department. Assuming people are weak and unsatisfied in one area or another in their marriage seems very narrow minded. May I suggest you watch GOT.
We can only hope for actual real info - I would also like to know the answers to your question.

 

[Hagu13]

In my mind, it's a commitment to saying "we are a team, and sticking it out for the long haul".

Part of being that team is seeing the other person being at the happiest and living the best life and if that means they want to fulfil some desires the fact that the other person can "let go" is exactly what would make it a marriage.

Some people see marriage as caging up their significant other and claiming them as their own...this generally doesn't end well and leads to many years of silent suffering before blowing up.

Many people get married too early. They attach themselves to another person before they've even truly discovered themselves and that ultimately leads to these kinds of situations where people want to explore. Some people can get into it and others can't.

You can ask yourself why do people get married only to cheat anyway? The same logic applies but more often than not it's in search of finding themselves or things lacking in their partner. Rather an open and honest relationship in my view than going behind their backs and cheating.

A lot of sense in your posts.
In my experience most women (and a higher proportion of men than will admit) are bisexual. So if are in a relationship with such a person, why insist that they shut down that side of their sexuality? In fact, like expecting teenagers to abstain, it's just not going to work. Either they will do so and be unhappy which may cause them to leave the relationship, or they will get their kicks behind your back. Even if you never find out there will be strain on the relationship from guilt and secrets.
In my relationship we are headed towards marriage as we are very close, share the same interests and function very well as a team and it would offer more security and continuity for my child if something should happen to me. That said we have been non monogamous from day 1 (well ok day 8 actually). We only play together which eliminates the jealousy if one partner is out on a date without the other.
Some people are able to be monogamous for life without feeling the need to stray, and that's fine for them. Most of us don't seem to be able to do that. So if a couple is ok to admit and embrace that I say go ahead. But relationships are harder than being single. Open relationships/swinging are harder still. Polyamory is probably the hardest.

 

[The_Ogre]

Yes. open marriages is a foreign concept to people who have their own struggles making monogamy work. I am married and Bi, and my husband still and always will come first in every department. Assuming people are weak and unsatisfied in one area or another in their marriage seems very narrow minded. May I suggest you watch GOT.
We can only hope for actual real info - I would also like to know the answers to your question.

We are very weak and unsatisfied in you not posting pics so we can verify your bi-ness

 

[Stefan.dl]

A friend of mine married a women, 6 months later she left him for another women, he also let her "experiment" with the other women. Don't do it.

 

[Beyond.Celsus]

Open relationships.
Do what you like.

Open marriages?
If you have the need to be with more that one person at a time, marriage is not for you.

 

[Asgard85]

A friend of mine married a women, 6 months later she left him for another women, he also let her "experiment" with the other women. Don't do it.

So the solution would have been what? Refuse and have her go behind his back? Refuse and have her resent him until she leaves him anyway because it becomes too much?

Denying someone permission doesn't change the fundamental issue at play.

Also, your friends are not representative of everyone. It's quite possible that this scenario may play out that way, but then it may not and actually be better for those involved in the long run.

Too many variables to make a proclamation I reckon.

 

[pinball wizard]

Yes. open marriages is a foreign concept to people who have their own struggles making monogamy work. I am married and Bi, and my husband still and always will come first in every department. Assuming people are weak and unsatisfied in one area or another in their marriage seems very narrow minded. May I suggest you watch GOT.
We can only hope for actual real info - I would also like to know the answers to your question.

Wait.

Your knowledgeable wisdom filled advice to the OP is to watch make believe?

 

[Fulcrum29]

I know married women banging other men. How their husband's wish that it could be other women they bring to bed...

Open relationships are nothing new, some are more open about it, but most leave it behind closed doors where it is no other person concern.

I know about one open relationship where the husband wants to bang every woman he meets but is a real dick when his SO bangs another man and not a woman. I honestly don’t see this open relationship survive.

I must say, people that I know which are in open relationships, they seem to be happy.

 

[Anti-Chris]

@Grimis screw whatever society tells you is normal and what you have to and should not do... Do whatever works for you and makes you happy as long as it doesn't harm others in the process.
I can use my life as an example:
My wife and I got married very young (20 and 19) - They told us we were too young and it wouldn't last.
I didn't have a stable job or alot of money - They told us to first build a career.
We had 2 kids very early (at 22 and 21 we already had 2 kids)- Again, told us that we should wait
We started exploring swinging after 2 years of marriage - They will tell you it will affect your marriage and the marriage wont last

Today, we have been very happily married for 15 years, we are still best friends and do everything together. We went through tough times, but I believe it helped us build character and strengthened our relationship, because we know that we can depend on each other. 2 awesome kids that makes us proud, we are still young enough to enjoy most things with them, because the generation gap is not that big.
We have moved from swinging to a more "open" relationship that mostly involves her having male "lovers", mostly just for the sexual pleasures since we are emotionally 100% committed to each other. Our needs comes first before any 3rd parties needs or arrangements.
We trust each other 100% and we are 100% honest with one another.
Our relationship works for us, we are happy in it, does not hurt or harm anyone, why the hell, should it bother anyone what we do or how we do it.
Discuss it openly and set boundaries from the start. Be 100% honest with each other, if you think there might be the slightest chance that you would want to be "experiment" with your wife's girlfriend for instance, mention it from the start.
Enjoy life to the fullest, don't limit your happiness because of what any "holy" book might or might not say. They are all bullshit in any case.

 

[The_Ogre]

Yeah, but she has brought it up, so who says she hasn't tried it yet.

The best advice I can give you OP is that one day if she comes home late again, wait until she sleeps then smell her bottom lips as well as the top ones. If they smell the same, we have bad news for you.

To get things even, you then have to meet up with this third party. If you enjoy it, don't stop.

Congratulations, all three of you now have two partners without the other knowing.

Win-win-win

 

[pinball wizard]

Watch me cock-up this


.

I think that's your entire problem right there.