open relationships?

Geriatrix said:
The distinction is only that clear if you're religious or somehow view emotions as you.
I see it more like pair bonding,where a relationship is also defined by our evolved biological criteria, not only the perception we call emotions. If those biological needs are compromised the relationship becomes trivial. Now I realize it will not be like that for all people and cultures but there's a biological and evolved mechanism behind our natural feelings of jealousy and just calling it insecurity and selfishness would be a little bit, um, wrong.
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That is interesting. I dont think jealousy = insecurity 100% of the time.
 
scarlett said:
Dont try to get to me by saying that you think i think.. im not good enough etc because I dont agree with your views on the matter.

I find the way you view open relationships very interesting and somewhat enlightening, I also find how you nit pick my posts and make me out to be insecure and how i view myself as not being good enough
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Scarlett, no need to get all defensive. All we have to go on are the words you type so of course we need to draw conclusions based on that. You questioned why someone would feel the need to have sex with someone else on more than one occasion. This lead me to draw the conclusion that you could not understand why your partner would seek to dock his ship in another port when he has a perfectly good port at home. By saying that you lose sight of the fact that it is not about the sexual act but the thrill that goes with it when you explore new territories.

People who feel sex is the only way to prove you love someone interest me....

blunomore said:
So the proponents of open relationships (or of at least considering it) say monogamy is for people who are insecure and jealous. I am sure there are such people around!

However, in my book it is much more of an achievement to be able to stay happily committed to a person than to flit around like a butterfly.

Someone who is unable to committ, to work on a relationship and to stay faithful is weak, fickle and easily influenced. Not attractive characteristics.
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So we can't name call but proponents of monogamous relationships can? As as for you saying it is an achievement staying committed, that makes it sound like it is some sort of contest. It should be something you happily do and not something that sounds like it is a chore.

Oh and by the way, that argument about not having a monogamous relationship because one individual cannot possibly met all your needs - hogwash. That is the very nature of humanity - we can never be 100% happy and have all our needs met 100% in this life ... you WORK on the relationship and do the best you can with the person you chose to be with ...... and if it is not good enough, you end it and move on.
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Shame, the old fashioned view of a monogamist.... why not get 95% of what you want from the person you love and then get the remaining 5% elsewhere? Oh, I know, because society dictates that this is the way it should be.

And the women who agree to an open relationship does so 9 times out of 10 out of fear of losing the man. Grow some backbone, sister.
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Ha ha ha oh really! And this from someone who apparently has no experience on the matter? Are you not perhaps just saying this as you are fearful that your partner will realise he is missing out as other woman are being far more adventurous and you aren't?

I know of many a woman who have broached the subject of swinging long before their partners have. I also know of many who clearly do not partake purely for the sake of their husbands.... so let's not generalise based on your prejudices Blu!
 
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Here an intersting article from The Times Online:

We protect monogamy like some sacred cow, but for me it has always felt like a dictatorship.” Alexandra Salafranca, 27, and her husband had a year of “theoretical discussions” about the rights and wrongs of monogamy. She brought it up first. “I have never understood why you can have lots of friends but only one lover. When I was younger, I was always cheating on my boyfriends, either emotionally or physically,” she says.

Things changed when she met her husband. “He was my soul mate, my angel, but after we had been married for two years, I started to feel an itch again.” She went straight into therapy. “I have a dysfunctional family, so I assumed it was all something to do with my upbringing, but as time went on, I realised that there was nothing intrinsically wrong with me. That was when the dialogue with my husband opened up. At first it made him sad, but then he started to say, ‘So I can see other girls?’ ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘As long as we tell each other everything beforehand… and that we are always each other’s priority.’”
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More:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7037676.ece
 
LancelotSA said:
Scarlett, no need to get all defensive. All we have to go on are the words you type so of course we need to draw conclusions based on that. You questioned why someone would feel the need to have sex with someone else on more than one occasion. This lead me to draw the conclusion that you could not understand why your partner would seek to dock his ship in another port when he has a perfectly good port at home. By saying that you lose sight of the fact that it is not about the sexual act but the thrill that goes with it when you explore new territories.

People who feel sex is the only way to prove you love someone interest me....
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I dont want to get confused, is that what you think monogmous relationships are about proving you love someone because you only have sex with them?
 
There really is no need to get all Bolshie about this. For some people in this thread open relationships will work - others not. Being on either side of this divide doesn't make the other side wrong.
 
scarlett said:
I dont want to get confused, is that what you think monogmous relationships are about proving you love someone because you only have sex with them?
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...that comment was aimed at the last sentence in your post. The one where you said :

entertain the idea of my boyfriend/husband coming home after having sex with another woman to climb into bed with me and pretend to love me.
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So just because he had sex with someone else it means that he can't possibly love you and must just be pretending.
 
I think im too far gone for this..
@Lancelot you read my posts and think WTF and I read your posts and think WTF, and to escape being called naieve again ;) I'd rather just tell you that you should write a book or something, because you are very good at getting your point accross and making something that is so foreign to me and what I might have called insane and really crazy before make a lot more sense.
 
An "Open relationship" is plausible in theory, put in practice it rarely works. The main reason for this is jealousy...I can't see how that can work?

The other thing I wondered was, say as in the OP scenario with the movie, that the girl has sex with that same other person MORE THAN ONCE and it becomes a regular sex buddy, does that still constitute an open relationship? Certainly that would invoke jealousy. There is a difference between being in a relationship where you are allowed to have sex with random other people, and having regular other partners where a level of relationship can develop.
 
scarlett said:
I think im too far gone for this..
@Lancelot you read my posts and think WTF and I read your posts and think WTF, and to escape being called naieve again ;) I'd rather just tell you that you should write a book or something, because you are very good at getting your point accross and making something that is so foreign to me and what I might have called insane and really crazy before make a lot more sense.
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Nah, books take too much time... just pop over with your BF and we can give it and try ;)
 
Stefanmuller said:
An "Open relationship" is plausible in theory, put in practice it rarely works. The main reason for this is jealousy...I can't see how that can work?

The other thing I wondered was, say as in the OP scenario with the movie, that the girl has sex with that same other person MORE THAN ONCE and it becomes a regular sex buddy, does that still constitute an open relationship? Certainly that would invoke jealousy. There is a difference between being in a relationship where you are allowed to have sex with random other people, and having regular other partners where a level of relationship can develop.
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That should be a rule. It should just be about sex. No calling and chatting on the phone the whole time. No going to movies and dinner. Otherwise you are right, you then get to the stage where you are just involved in more than one relationship.

That is why I, and others, felt the OP story was not a true reflection of a real world open relationship.
 
Different strokes for different folks I guess....

My upbringing and value system is totally against this, no matter what the so-called benefits are ...

Close, warm, loving and caring marriage FTW !
 
LancelotSA said:
That should be a rule. It should just be about sex. No calling and chatting on the phone the whole time. No going to movies and dinner. Otherwise you are right, you then get to the stage where you are just involved in more than one relationship.
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But why no calling or chatting on the phone and going to movies? A person must be really insecure if you start trying to control what your partner does and with who. You don't own your partner and get to dictate with ho and how they spend their time.
 
LancelotSA said:
So we can't name call but proponents of monogamous relationships can? As as for you saying it is an achievement staying committed, that makes it sound like it is some sort of contest. It should be something you happily do and not something that sounds like it is a chore.

I know of many a woman who have broached the subject of swinging long before their partners have. I also know of many who clearly do not partake purely for the sake of their husbands.... so let's not generalise based on your prejudices Blu!
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You reading comprehension ... it sucks.

Staying committed is a not a constest (to think of most things as a contest is typically male, so I cannot fault you for that).

Rather think of it as a test of your OWN character - forget for a moment of competing against anyone else. Surely you have heard of the adage that the best victory a human can achieve, is being victorious over your own flaws and weaknesses. Try it ;)
 
But wanting an open relationship is not a flaw or weakness. It is merely different to what you believe, blu.

That's my main objection to the anti-open relationship crowd in this thread. They seem unable to grasp the fsct that an open relationship is a perfectly healthy state for a lot of people if they are honedt with themselves. There is nothing immoral, dirty, weak or wrong with it if both partners are honest with each other.
 
I reckon it can work as long as you don't really love the person. Difficult especially for a guy who loves a girl to accept that she's getting shagged by another guy.

I've told girls before my current girlfriend who I felt lukewarm about that we should keep our relationship more open ... basically it meant I could shag other chicks and they could do the same, my feelings for them were lukewarm though so I didn't really care, even when they told me when they got laid by another guy.

With my current girlfriend though, I'd never allow another penis near her!
 
Kilgore_Trout_Redux said:
But wanting an open relationship is not a flaw or weakness. It is merely different to what you believe, blu.

That's my main objection to the anti-open relationship crowd in this thread. They seem unable to grasp the fsct that an open relationship is a perfectly healthy state for a lot of people if they are honedt with themselves. There is nothing immoral, dirty, weak or wrong with it if both partners are honest with each other.
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No-one has yet answered me satisfactorily as to , if you want multiple partners, why you bother going around telling people you are in a RELATIONSHIP ? What does that relationship entail ?
 
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