Paying for Dates

Jola said:
FFS it's the first date, and it is just coffee - stop agonising over it.

See how it goes, you can start worrying later ! Behave yourself and you may get lucky!
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See? Thats what bothers me about it. I'm not looking to get lucky. I'm looking for someone I enjoy being with more than anyone else. I want sex sure, but quite frankly 9 out of 10 women would be the one getting lucky.

The reason I'm agonising about it is that I'm pretty new to this going on dates thing.
 
Anony-mousse said:
But you expect a bit much from a first date over coffee, don't you think?
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All I expected was that she at least offered.

She said thank you. If She hadn't we would be having a whole other discussion.
 
cbrunsdonza said:
Your missing the point about the romantic part of dating, nothing to do with 50s or "norm". Are you the guy that also believes flowers are a commercial thing? I've always given a bunch of flowers the day after a date and yet to have a date who has complained regardless of how "progressive" they are.
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I'm all for that, trust me. But it is nice for the woman to show signs that she is progressive, even if it's a simple offer and she has no intention of paying on a first date. If the guy then takes her up on the offer (:D), then she's welcome to choose not to see him again.

Obviously this all becomes a moot point as you start going on more dates together.
 
Nick333 said:
All I expected was that she at least offered.

She said thank you. If She hadn't we would be having a whole other discussion.
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How old is she?

Did you think about that she might be insecure as well? Perhaps she didn't know what to do or if she should offer or not? Did you ask her to go out with you? If yes then it's absolutely okay for her to expect you to pay because it is an invitation.
 
Anony-mousse said:
How old is she?

Did you think about that she might be insecure as well? Perhaps she didn't know what to do or if she should offer or not? Did you ask her to go out with you? If yes then it's absolutely okay for her to expect you to pay because it is an invitation.
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In her 30's. Ja, I'm pretty sure its not such a big deal really. I think what really bothers me is that I'm not really into the old fashioned thing and I'm worried its still the norm. :D I suppose I could respect her for having the self respect to expect a guy to pay. Having said that I prefer it when people offer to pay. I just think it's polite. I'm not particularly upset and I don't see it as a personal insult. I realise where shes coming from if she does just expect it. It may all be academic anyway. She may have her own reasons for not wanting to see me again. She might read myBB.
 
Nick333 said:
In her 30's. Ja, I'm pretty sure its not such a big deal really. I think what really bothers me is that I'm not really into the old fashioned thing and I'm worried its still the norm. :D I suppose I could respect her for having the self respect to expect a guy to pay. Having said that I prefer it when people offer to pay. I just think it's polite. I'm not particularly upset and I don't see it as a personal insult. I realise where shes coming from if she does just expect it. It may all be academic anyway. She may have her own reasons for not wanting to see me again. She might read myBB.
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Ya, she might read it. However, I actually expected her to be 18 or so, no offense, but if she is in her 30s she could have offered to pay, it is not her first date in life I assume.

Let it go, the next date will show. Let us know.
 
Nick333 said:
I had a first date on the weekend and I was fully prepared to pay. It was only coffee after all. What bugged me some what was that she didn't even offer to contribute. If she had I would have insisted, after all it was my invite, but surely in this day and age she should have offered?

Also, do modern women expect the guy to pay for all dates? If so I've got a problem because I don't think I should have to be paying someones way to enjoy their company.

I'll have to go back to drunken zipless ****s that occasionally turn in to something else. Actually, that might be best for a guy like me. :erm:
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When I was still playing the field, if it was a dinner date, when I got I always used to reply with "Ill pay for the meal and you get the tip". I dont recall ever ever having a problem.

Best of luck out there.
 
Anony-mousse said:
Ya, she might read it. However, I actually expected her to be 18 or so, no offense, but if she is in her 30s she could have offered to pay, it is not her first date in life I assume.

Let it go, the next date will show. Let us know.
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Because you thought I was 18? Point taken. :p Yeah I could see how she would be offended by this but *shrugs it's not really a huge personal attack. I really don't think she thinks she scored big wit a cup of coffee or two.

I've just always met women at pubs and parties and things. I've never really ever been on a first date. I honestly think I should stick to the older woman thing. They're just more confident and easier to read.
 
Female perspective time?
I know a fair amount of women who expect men to pay all the time. And are proud of the fact. They're greedy gold-diggers, though. If you find yourself with one of those, jump ship.

First date: Some offer, some don't. We all kind of have the expectation that you should pay even if we do offer, though :p

Rest of the dates: Alternating is best, or each paying your own share. I prefer the former, but it depends on what works for you. It's fair, and doesn't create expectations on the paying party's side.

And if she never offers, cut your losses and find someone else.
 
AvatarS said:
Female perspective time?
I know a fair amount of women who expect men to pay all the time. And are proud of the fact. They're greedy gold-diggers, though. If you find yourself with one of those, jump ship.

First date: Some offer, some don't. We all kind of have the expectation that you should pay even if we do offer, though :p

Rest of the dates: Alternating is best, or each paying your own share. I prefer the former, but it depends on what works for you. It's fair, and doesn't create expectations on the paying party's side.

And if she never offers, cut your losses and find someone else.
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Of course. Thank you! I was actually hoping for a female perspective. As long as the majority of woman don't expect men to pay all the time I'll calm down to a panic.
 
A few years ago I went through a phase of about 6 months of dating, sometimes 3 to 4 dates a week, the approach I developed was as follows:


  • 1st date, only drinks or coffee, I paid (always easier to walk away from drinks than a meal)
  • 2nd date, depending on outcome of first, if still sounding out then drinks again, if some real interest then a meal, but nothing too expensive yet, I paid
  • 3rd date, now we're in the realm of real interest and we start clarifying expectations (unspoken expectations are generally the cause of distress), here I would expect to see some sort of indication from her side as to whether she would be prepared to pay, if nothing was forthcoming then I would politely ask if she would mind going dutch and gauge the response, this would determine if there was a next date or not :D

This approach worked well for me and I had a lot of fun in the process
I am now happily married to a woman that has no problem picking up the bill and we regularly take turns :)
 
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imho i wouldn't mind if she said hey let me pay half, though to be totally honest its very very difficult accepting she will pay half :)

even if it is just a friend :)
 
cbrunsdonza said:
#1) If you asked her out, then you pay.
#2) If she asked you out, then you pay.
#3) If she is just a friend, then you pay.
#4) If she offers to pay with any of the above, then she is most likely desperate and looking for another date.

If you want her to pay with any of the above, including #4, then she will also no longer be interested in you.
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+100%

with women u just k@k & betaal boet - till death do u part!! :D
 
Nick333 said:
Which is why I think coffee is a good first date. I mean its just coffee so I'll pay and you get the next one. Maybe I should have tossed in my share and just waited her to take care of hers?
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no, you did the right thing paying for it. Wondering if you should get annoyed that she didnt offer is a bit much.
It honestly wouldnt have crossed my mind about paying for it. Whether it was a coffee or a 3 course meal. After a few dates i think she should start offering to pay for stuff, or at least make an effort.

It will be fairly easy to decide if she is a leech later on. Throwing things away on a first date over a cup of coffee when you dont know the reasons for her not offering etc is going to leave you alone.
 
all this about the bill, how was the rest of the date?
 
tau1z said:
no, you did the right thing paying for it. Wondering if you should get annoyed that she didnt offer is a bit much.
It honestly wouldnt have crossed my mind about paying for it. Whether it was a coffee or a 3 course meal. After a few dates i think she should start offering to pay for stuff, or at least make an effort.

It will be fairly easy to decide if she is a leech later on. Throwing things away on a first date over a cup of coffee when you dont know the reasons for her not offering etc is going to leave you alone.
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Maybe I am being a bit of a douche about it. I don't really mind paying for a cup of coffee or a meal and I suppose some woman still want a bit of romance or whatever. Let me just make it clear I have no problem paying for a first date. I asked her out. Maybe next time I'll just ask if I can buy the chick a coffee or whatever and save myself the wondering.

The truth is theres just something about paying a womans way that strikes me as somewhat servile. It just seems to set the wrong tone. I might just have issues. :D
 
You asked her out. You pay.

The price of a cup of coffee is really not worth agonising over. What matters is did you enjoy her company or not. That was the actual purpose of the date.

If you enjoyed her company ask for a second date. By the third date you can start worrying about whether she is willing to contribute... in cash or kind :D

ps. kidding about that last bit lol
 
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