Ready to OD again

[grok]

Thanks for all the replies. Even the negative ones.
I have some really bad ass depression today and it all came out at once. I need to let it out. I won't OD and I feel ashamed of my actions. I'm just tired of going through this every day non stop. It never ends.

Don't stress, there'll always be someone here to listen when you want to vent.
And some of us might even understand what you're going through..

 

[CamiKaze]

Most people do not understand how to deal with a depressed/suicidal person.

This is a very, very important comment.
This is one of the most misunderstood illnesses that one can have.
I wish that there was more awareness around this.

And BTW, op, you might want to contact SADAG. They have a toll free number where they talk you through your situation:
http://www.sadag.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=11&Itemid=114

Another thing that you can do, if you have medical aid is to go to a Wellness Clinic where they book you off for 21 days.
Now this, is a beautiful way to use your sick leave before the cycle runs out. A holiday worth having.

 

[ToxicBunny]

This is a very, very important comment.
This is one of the most misunderstood illnesses that one can have.
I wish that there was more awareness around this.

100% on this..

So many people think the "Oh but everything will be ok" or "Pull up your socks and get over it" comments are the sorts of things that help a depressed person, when in reality they generally achieve nothing, or achieve exactly the opposite results....

 

[Polly101]

Another thing that you can do, if you have medical aid is to go to a Wellness Clinic where they book you off for 21 days.
Now this, is a beautiful way to use your sick leave before the cycle runs out. A holiday worth having.

and this is why your medical aid is so expensive dear viewers.

Using medical benefits for "holidays"

I don't discount the hospitalisation of patients who are acutely in need of treatment - eg a nervous breakdown etc, but calling it a holiday is not correct

I was in hospital (legitimately - broken sacrum) and the auntie in the bed opposite me told me she took time off every year on the anniversary of a bad event, she said it was nice to get time off work and a bed and meals made for her and good medicine to make her sleep...

 

[Neuk_]

This is a very, very important comment.
This is one of the most misunderstood illnesses that one can have.
I wish that there was more awareness around this.

This cannot be stressed enough and is one of the reasons why I mention I am not a professional when talking to someone who is looking for help. Sometimes just being an ear to listen helps...

 

[Dryden]

I just want to comment on post #42 regarding the wellness facility... (I'm gonna ramble so sorry in advance)

If things are getting too much for you, and your meds aren't working the way they should, or you are feeling suicidal then please get yourself treatment and if need be, go get yourself booked in for a few weeks. It really helps. It is a PMB for any person on medical aid so if you have MA you will be able to go. That's why the stays in these facilities are limited to 21 days as that's what MAs pay)

As a lifelong depressed person who's struggled with addiction and self harm I can wholeheartedly say that these things work. I've come out of one (Poortview in the West Rand) in the last month and I feel so much better. You get assigned a psychiatrist and a psychologist that you see every day. You get taught how to deal with life stresses and how to get yourself out of your mental predicament. They sort out your medication (they can be very pill happy but still) and I left there feeling a better person and more positive about life in general.

My 2 c.

 

[|tera|]

Thanks for the other replies. Corelli. I'm not worth less than you because I haven't travelled the world or worked or lived in other countries.
If you knew my history with my illness and the impact it has had on my life since I was 16 years old, you would not have said what you did.
Some things are out of a person's control. I can't control Bipolar disorder like a television remote or car or anything else. With medication I am able to suppress the symptoms.


ToxicBunny: Still in IT. Major depro as well because my motorcycle was stolen a short while ago and I didn't have insurance on it. So unable to enjoy nature or have a ride.

 

[CamiKaze]

and this is why your medical aid is so expensive dear viewers.

Using medical benefits for "holidays"

I don't discount the hospitalisation of patients who are acutely in need of treatment - eg a nervous breakdown etc, but calling it a holiday is not correct

I was in hospital (legitimately - broken sacrum) and the auntie in the bed opposite me told me she took time off every year on the anniversary of a bad event, she said it was nice to get time off work and a bed and meals made for her and good medicine to make her sleep...

This is not why the medical aid is expensive. You are by default paying a lot already. Why not use it for something constructive.
I call it a holiday because it is a break from the depressive cycle that we find ourselves in at the work place and at home.
It puts you in a different space where you have access to Psychiatrist and Psychologist, to doing therapeutic exercises that helps free the mind of things that contributed to your situation.
A physical problem like a broken sacrum is not the only reason why people need to go to hospital.
Your statement is the reason why awareness needs to be raised and why not many people understand how to deal with a depressed and suicidal person.
Take the money out of the situation and focus on getting your mind in a healthy state is the key of this topic.

 

[Milano]

Thanks for all the replies. Even the negative ones.
I have some really bad ass depression today and it all came out at once. I need to let it out. I won't OD and I feel ashamed of my actions. I'm just tired of going through this every day non stop. It never ends.

You have no reason to feel ashamed about discussing things that are on your mind. And it's good to know you have put away any thoughts of suicide.

From your original post you are tackling a couple of things. Both depression and financial issues. Do you think the depression makes your finances appear worse then they are, or are you having some real financial issues? Have you looked at debt counseling? If there are some financial issues then perhaps someone could recommend a route for you to possibly ease that burden.

What are a few changes that you would like to make? A better job in your current town? Or have you considered a move to some other city completely? Is that something you could see yourself doing and potentially enjoying further down the line?

 

[|tera|]

Due to meds, having sleep apnea as well and damage to my body from OD I've used up all my sick leave. I also don't have medical aid.

So you can see why things suck as well.
Not the worst. Most days are peaceful enough when you are by yourself, ROFL

 

[Venomous]

So I've overdosed in 2016 and 2017 and was promised the moon and stars by my mind, but nothing has changed.

I'm literally in a dead end job where the second half portion of my May salary was only paid out yeesterday.

I can't afford the basics in life and spent all morning at home after refusing to go to work to see if I can get a loan somewhere. Subsequently denied everywhere I tried.

So I guess this is just me telling myself that the last 2 months showed that my life is a mess and there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't turn to family and have no friends in any case. It's just time to let my Bipolar mind kick in amd let go into the void.

Nice to have known you all.
I'm done with this.

If you do that then you are an idiot.

You can go see the doctor. Go see a govt doc if you don't have the cash...
And further to that - start looking for another job.
Ask work to pay you what they owe you as you need the money to survive.

 

[CamiKaze]

Not the worst. Most days are peaceful enough when you are by yourself, ROFL

This is not really, always healthy btw... This just means that you are going to a space of comfort where you waste too much time in your mind.
As others have mentioned, take a walk more often, get out of your comfort zone and there will be other/new things to process in your mind, where you will now pay less attention to that neural pathway that places you in that depressed hole.
Practice this often and your mind will slowly readjust what comfort really is. The point is getting to happy comfort, not the current comfort that is clearly not working for you.

 

[SpliceGold]

This is not really, always healthy btw... This just means that you are going to a space of comfort where you waste too much time in your mind.
As others have mentioned, take a walk more often, get out of your comfort zone and there will be other/new things to process in your mind, where you will now pay less attention to that neural pathway that places you in that depressed hole.
Practice this often and your mind will slowly readjust what comfort really is. The point is getting to happy comfort, not the current comfort that is clearly not working for you.

100% agree with that! The more I sulk and sit around depressed and suicidal the more I will get. One needs to keep the mind busy as it can be so toxic if left to wander. The mind needs to be kept so busy that there is no time for any negative/toxic thoughts.

 

[|tera|]

You have no reason to feel ashamed about discussing things that are on your mind. And it's good to know you have put away any thoughts of suicide.

From your original post you are tackling a couple of things. Both depression and financial issues. Do you think the depression makes your finances appear worse then they are, or are you having some real financial issues? Have you looked at debt counseling? If there are some financial issues then perhaps someone could recommend a route for you to possibly ease that burden.

What are a few changes that you would like to make? A better job in your current town? Or have you considered a move to some other city completely? Is that something you could see yourself doing and potentially enjoying further down the line?

I've recently started working on a plan to move my career forward.
It will take a few months though and only after this will I be able to decide to move
I'd have to stay committed to my goals though and keep my depression in check. I can't start before my depression is sorted out.

 

[|tera|]

Ok guys. I'll smoke. Then go shower. Lol

 

[CamiKaze]

I'd have to stay committed to my goals though and keep my depression in check.

Go with the motions of your depression and accept it. You will need the skills and coping mechanisms later in life, or to pass this knowledge on to others.

I can't start before my depression is sorted out.

You can. You need to be in a new environment. It's pretty much similar to what I said earlier about your mind readjusting itself. You need to realize that your current surroundings is not working for you. Acknowledge this.
Do you think that others that are moving to other jobs are healthy minded? I don't. They have realized that they need to get out for their own mental health.

 

[SpliceGold]

Ok guys. I'll smoke. Then go shower. Lol

And breath! Breathe in positivity and breathe out the negative! You can do it! Stay positive and strong! I find smoking cigarettes don't help me at all. I just end up chain smoking then having a horrid smokers cough. Do what works for you. Everyone reacts differently. DM me if you need to talk. Its good to get things out, especially the really traumatic things that have happened that one tends to bottle up due to feeling embarrassed, judged etc.

 

[Milano]

I've recently started working on a plan to move my career forward.
It will take a few months though and only after this will I be able to decide to move
I'd have to stay committed to my goals though and keep my depression in check. I can't start before my depression is sorted out.

Absolutely. Keep us updated on your progress. If you hit any bumps or lows hit the post button - even just post what's on your mind. Many of us have been through the same or similar rough times and are able to lend support.

 

[SpliceGold]

Absolutely. Keep us updated on your progress. If you hit any bumps or lows hit the post button - even just post what's on your mind. Many of us have been through the same or similar rough times and are able to lend support.

So true! We all think we alone battling these sorts of things but we are not! There are people that do care and want to help. Its good to speak to others that can relate to what you going through.

 

[|tera|]

So to revive this topic. I feel even more depressed than I did this day.
I feel like I'm habitually and intentionally driven to commit suicide by the people in my life.
Am I wrong to perceive things this way?
I'm seriously starting to make plans to end my life. I'm just tired of this ****.