stuck in a rut

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sickOfIt

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Ok, first off - posting under a different name for obvious reasons.

I need some advice - let me explain my situation.

I'm in a bit of a rut. I feel like life is passing me by. I'm not sure why, but it seems I can't seem to make any good friends. Most of my varsity friends are male (like me) and tend to keep to themselves. I'm tired of seeing people posting "fun" photos on facebook and wishing I could have the same. Also sick of seeing people finding their wives, going to weddings etc alone..

My question is, how do I go about getting some decent friends? Currently I'm finding that all my invitations get declined. I have tried inviting a couple of friends (mostly female) just for coffee but it seems my SMSes get ignored. I also don't get invited anywhere to do anything.

It's not like I am ugly, or obese or stupid - and I have a good education, decent job, my own house and car. I just can't see what the problem is. Another issue is that I don't drink (alcohol) or smoke (anything) and REFUSE to do those things to "fit in". I'd prefer to hang with people who don't need chemical intake to function normally. I'd also prefer to avoid anything to do with religion - before someone suggests joining a church.

So what is the solution? I can't seem to find a way out of this rut. How am I ever going to meet a life partner... since they say a high percentage of people meet their SO through friends.. It's not like I don't have friends (from varsity, work etc) but they are all guys and all how the same interests as me. I need some variety in my life. I have mostly everything I want/need except the social side of things.

One option is to try something like datingbuzz but that has not worked for me so far. Too many guys hitting on the girls on there so you need to be super-rich or super-fake to catch any nice girl's attention :mad: (in my experience at least). Have also looked at smartdate.co.za but they never seem to have events in my age category. www.singlesevents.co.za also did not respond when I tried to register.

I mean are there people out there like me who do not drink or arrange events centred around getting wasted that are still able to have fun and have normal friends :confused:

I'm pretty sure many people can relate to this... I suppose I should tag this post with FML :(
 
If you don't hang out with drinkers your not going to find much partying happening dude.

Sadly drinking has nothing to do with fitting in but if you find yourself going to parties and not drinking you will find less enjoyment.

Drinking is not something people do too be cool or fit in, drinking is something people to do to enhance their enjoyment. The world would be so boring without alcohol. I am not saying you must start drinking but don't expect to have a fun filled life if you think hanging out with drinkers is not fun.

Dude having normal friends in my opinion includes people that drink, normal people drink and have fun just like any other person, just because people enjoy getting wasted and having a jol does not make us abnormal.
 
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There's definitely women out there, just seems like ur not going at it in the right way. I would start hitting up old girlfriends, female acquaintances to check whether they know of any single women out there.
 
Killadoob: I think you're slightly mistaken about why people drink. Of course, I'd hazard an educated guess that the vast majority do like alcohol, but there are definitely some people who do it just to be cool. I know, because I know of people who have done it this way. It's amazing how varsity changes some people in quite a dramatic way. There is this one person who was a prefect at school last year, and he hardly had any photos of him published on FB drinking. But this year, he's always like in a new FB album every week, always with beer and looking quite drunk - it's actually becoming a running joke between other mates of his that he's doing it 'just to be cool' - I've personally avoided him at varsity because I honestly dislike people who do not act themselves (he was the resident computer geek at school). Then there is another friend who admits he downs beer 'to please other people'...(downing as in drinking the beer in 7 seconds) yet he actually 'hates alcohol'.

@SickofIT: Yeah, I had the same situation a few years back but then I just became more friendly towards people and it's been good ever since :) I am lucky in that bar one or two of my friends, they are not heavy drinkers. I personally do not relate to getting wasted as well. What we do is usually play tennis, soccer etc. in the holidays, and sometimes watch sports events there as well. I don't go out as much as the partiers, but I don't really mind that. Also your situation is compounded that you at work, while I'm at university :p. Possibly join a sports club or something?

Edit: I know you said you not particularly religious, but most of the people who'll fit your profile will be in these religious groups. It's amazing how many of the religious people had girlfriends. Maybe just go on a camp or two and try and find a gf and then not go on the camp ever again?
 
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What sort of music do you like? If you like rock, you should look at going to see a few local bands. The people that generally go and see bands are very friendly. Let me know if you are keen.
 
Chris said:
Edit: I know you said you not particularly religious, but most of the people who'll fit your profile will be in these religious groups. It's amazing how many of the religious people had girlfriends. Maybe just go on a camp or two and try and find a gf and then not go on the camp ever again?
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Like he said. You can find some fine and upstanding women at church. Of course if you're an atheist, you might be losing out.

The best thing that has happened to me 3 years ago was when a schoolmate of asked me to join a group of them where they discuss actual topics in a Christian context. We still meet up every Thursday evening where we drink drink red wine and generally have a good time. I still don't have a girlfriend but that's my problem :(. I have a great group of friends. We go camping or go on trips regularly.

You can also try and join a sport club. Tennis, squash!!!...

Bottomline is get a common interest with a group of people.
 
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Listen to "Weightless" by All Time Low.. It's your situation but has a positive side :)
And don't worry about it, its life, will always pas over
 
Just be patient is my advice ;) Things happen when you least expect it. Just last year I was posting that I'd never have a girlfriend, because I'm happy by myself. Fact remains, I was happy alone, but she came and held onto me, first girl that ever really wanted me (I usually went for them). She's amazing, smart, we live together and share everything we have. She's really everything in my life and I can't imagine now being without her.

Just keep the faith in other terms, things change.
 
If you refuse to hang out with people who:

1) Drink
2) Smoke
3) Have religion

Then you've basically cut out 99% of the population right there.

a friend of mine Jacques refused all 3 of those things but never avoided them or the people around him. It's their choice.

So perhaps your attitude regarding this is what keeps other people from inviting you with when they do go out.

Also, don't SMS. SMS is lame. It's like emailing or asking someone out over MSN. You give them the option to NOT REPLY. Very powerful. When I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone I just get them to email me so I can ignore it whenever I'm ready (or SMS, ignore all phone calls etc)

So. Pick up the phone. PHONE SOMEONE and ask them out. Piece of cake man (you're not against cake too hey?)
 
Thanks guys. Yeah, my problem is that I'm in the "religious" category but not too much into religion. Not really an atheist, but I have my own belief system :)

Tennis etc sounds good, I'm just not sure how to go about it. I'm going to try Action Netball.. It seems like fun and there are some nice fit people to hang out with

Yeah, was easier back at varsity. There are no interesting people where I work, because of the IT type of work I do - so it is a constant challenge. I'm sure things will "just come right" but in the meanwhile time just ticks by and I don't get any younger.

Yip, I'm definitely into Rock music (not so much the South african stuff - But I'm open.)

I like the idea of getting a girl at a church event and then bailing (provided I can convince the girl to bail as well.. :)

Oh and lastly, I've tried the old girlfriends / girl-friends (mentioned in OP) but that pool seems very dry at the moment. Oh well. Luck just not on my side at the moment. Though it's not all about finding a girl, though that solves a lot of problems :) I'm just keen to meet up and do stuff with like minded mates (Tennis, sports, dinner parties, movies etc). Totally not a fan of night clubs, loud places etc. I'm a tad more grown up now and prefer the quieter stuff and daytime activities...
 
Picard said:
Like he said. You can find some fine and upstanding women at church. Of course if you're an atheist, you might be losing out.
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You also get the best freaky girls in there. They'll blow your mind (among other things) ;)

But I think most people who reply to this thread will agree. Just because your values are not to drink/smoke or discuss/avoid religion. Doesn't mean other people have the same outlook.

Accept others for the failed beings they are, have a good time, be designated Dave. Laugh at them when they puke their guts out.Take pictures, post them on facebook and ridicule them "Remember that time when you tried putting your sisters dildo up your ass because you were so ****ing wasted?!"

That doesn't mean YOU have to get wasted to have a good time dude
 
Just face it YOU ARE DULL. I am not saying it to nasty. You said you are not ugly stupid or obese. Well I'm fat not too ugly and not stupid and I have a active social life and many friends. So take ur non fat non ugly non stupid self and become non DULL :D.

Jises you need to get out. If you are inviting someone for coffee via SMS NO WONDER you are being ignored. Buy some airtime :p make a actual phone call interact with the person and only then invite them for a cuppa Joe at Seattle or something.

Charm scho mite also be a option :cool:
 
Honestly going out to coffee with people you don't hang out with is well rather awkward i find.

I would not ask someone out for coffee, i would say hey there is rugby match on sat wanna go to the pub?
 
AcidRaZor said:
If you refuse to hang out with people who:

1) Drink
2) Smoke
3) Have religion

Then you've basically cut out 99% of the population right there.

a friend of mine Jacques refused all 3 of those things but never avoided them or the people around him. It's their choice.

So perhaps your attitude regarding this is what keeps other people from inviting you with when they do go out.
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+1, you can still be yourself and enjoy the company of people who drink/smoke/whatever. Their beliefs, morals and values don't have to align with yours in order for you to form friendships and relationships. If you are sincere and real towards people, the right ones will recognise that and be drawn to you.

teraside said:
Just be patient is my advice ;) Things happen when you least expect it. Just last year I was posting that I'd never have a girlfriend, because I'm happy by myself. Fact remains, I was happy alone, but she came and held onto me, first girl that ever really wanted me (I usually went for them). She's amazing, smart, we live together and share everything we have. She's really everything in my life and I can't imagine now being without her.

Just keep the faith in other terms, things change.
Click to expand...

This has pretty much always been the case for me. You tend to meet people when you stop trying to and just go out and enjoy your life. It's like woman are drawn to guys who are ignorant to them in a sense, if that makes sense ;)

I'm currently doing a course on human relations and one of the things they teach is that people stay in a rut because they don't use their abilities to get out of it. I'm starting to gain a whole new perspective on life and even though it was expensive, it's been worth every penny. PM if you'd like more info.
 
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Thing is the "neediness" factor. It's just off putting. I love my girlfriend, but if she gets all needy on me, I usually have a short temper with her. I appreciate the bond and togetherness of a relationship, but I also know that you've got to have yourself sorted out in life, meaning, if I weren't around, she needs to continue living as she does, strong and confident, responsible and on her own two feet.

Long story short, if you are needy, you come across needy, no other way around it. If you are comfortable with yourself and whom you are, you are an individual and can live like one. I don't intend to marry, my girlfriend's cool with my decision. I don't intend on having children either, she's cool with it too. That's how it goes. She does and lives the way she knows how and so do I.

We're individuals. Yet we're together and if she'll have me, we'll be together for many years to come.

Don't be needy or like a little kid who stubbed his toe and is crying for an hour over it. It's off putting.

In a group surrounding, where many folks sit, you never want to talk to the sulker, or the grumpy guy, unless you're just like they. You want to make conversation with the people who are functional. They don't need to be funny or eccentric, they just need to be 10:4 ;) :D :p
 
get a mate or two thats single and go to a club. have a few beers and try to enjoy yourself - girls will notice if you're having fun and see you as a "fun guy" and not the boring person you really are. tip the barmen well.

put a sock in your pants

exchange those R100/R50 for loads of 20's and 10's - put them all in your wallet. note: do have a few R100/R200 notes and ONLY use them when paying for drinks - keep wallet visible (like half open) in front of other ladies.

do not buy them drinks.

...something is bound to happen to you soon.... otherwise start making conversation.

but the keyword hereis "clubs" - you can't go wrong with hundreds of chicks at one place - especially if a lot of them are drunk.

good luck.
 
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there are always some girls or widows at funerals that need a shoulder to cry on also some AA meetings or some weddings. use the newspapers.
 
ha ha ha just don't mess it up with your money in your pants and your socks in the wallet.
 
What i'd recommend is wait, it will happen when it needs to.

And keeper -1 thats just sick, its some of the worst advice i've ever heard someone give another person.

I'm also quite a quiet guy and it sometimes feels as if i am "invisible" sometimes but i have realised that i must see myself as visible for others to see me.
 
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